Hey Look.... its me. Crazy, I know.
I feel like I have done so much growing up in the last 7 months. It is fucking incredible, even if it is not good. I guess the one complaint that I have to share is this. So I met a girl a year ago. She was beautiful and captivating. We went out twice, because she was sneaking around to see her ex-boyfriend who used to beat the shit out of her. We talked semi frequently, I had feelings for her still, but never told her, that really hurt. Whatever. February rolls around and she wants to start hanging out. So I said ok, she was going through a major court thing. Valintines Day I see her. She crys, I listen to her, I don't make any moves because it's not right. We start seeing eachother more often, we start calling eachother. I feel good, things move very slow, but they do move, which I felt was unusual because her history is not one that takes things slow, but I don't pressure people. We see eachother every week, we kiss and hug, I spend the night with her. May rolls around I don't see her through that whole month, we speak sporadically. At the end of the month she has to move. So it turns out that her mother and myself end up dismantling her furnature and wrap it and what not. The next weekend I rent a U-Haul on the hottest day of the year at that point. We load it up, and then we move her, like four blocks away from me. I assemble her new apartment. Essentially it is just the two of us moving her in. The next weekend I meet her dad. Things seem good. Then she says we gotta talk. " I'm not where you're at. When I think of the person that I want to be with, its you, you are perfect. I wan't you in my life. I might wake up in a week from now, six months from now, a year from now and realize I threw away the only thing that meant something. But I am interested in someone that I work with. " I am polite, I respect the fact she had the courage to say that. " I don't talk to her except...
Hey Look.... its me. Crazy, I know.
I feel like I have done so much growing up in the last 7 months. It is fucking incredible, even if it is not good. I guess the one complaint that I have to share is this. So I met a girl a year ago. She was beautiful and captivating. We went out twice, because she was sneaking around to see her ex-boyfriend who used to beat the shit out of her. We talked semi frequently, I had feelings for her still, but never told her, that really hurt. Whatever. February rolls around and she wants to start hanging out. So I said ok, she was going through a major court thing. Valintines Day I see her. She crys, I listen to her, I don't make any moves because it's not right. We start seeing eachother more often, we start calling eachother. I feel good, things move very slow, but they do move, which I felt was unusual because her history is not one that takes things slow, but I don't pressure people. We see eachother every week, we kiss and hug, I spend the night with her. May rolls around I don't see her through that whole month, we speak sporadically. At the end of the month she has to move. So it turns out that her mother and myself end up dismantling her furnature and wrap it and what not. The next weekend I rent a U-Haul on the hottest day of the year at that point. We load it up, and then we move her, like four blocks away from me. I assemble her new apartment. Essentially it is just the two of us moving her in. The next weekend I meet her dad. Things seem good. Then she says we gotta talk. " I'm not where you're at. When I think of the person that I want to be with, its you, you are perfect. I wan't you in my life. I might wake up in a week from now, six months from now, a year from now and realize I threw away the only thing that meant something. But I am interested in someone that I work with. " I am polite, I respect the fact she had the courage to say that. " I don't talk to her except for her text message a week later. " How are things? " Things are how you can expect them. " " I don't know what that means, but I hope you are good. I miss you. " I go back home to see my mom on fourth of July. She goes to visit her mom who lives 20 minutes away from my mom in Northern California. I get a voice mail from her, " I know you don't care for me but my mom wants to take you to dinner to say thanks for helping me move. " Fuck you for saying I don't care about you. I am the only guy who ever did, and didn't treat you like shit. On the Fourth she asks me to come see her in Foster City. I do because I had some things on my mind. I end up driving her to the airport, she asks me how my visit with my mom has been. I tell her that I was there to try and figure my shit out. We talk and she tells me how she felt worse after she said those things, but she doesn't change my mind, I was fighting my tears back, I didn't ask her to reconsider her choice. I said that I respect your opinion, and I don't want to not see you, but you need to respect that I feel hurt and angry. She said that she wants to be there for me like she would for any of her friends. I tell her that you can't do that when you are the reason I feel this way. I felt like I said some things I wanted to say and I felt good, but that feeling disapeared. On the following Saturday I go to see Brand New in Hollywood with my roommate. I get back and I had a guest who wanted to go into Hollywood and go to some bars even though he is Straight Edge. She asks me right when I am going to leave, what I was doing. So her and her friend come with us. The car ride is so fucking akward. I get to The Velvet Margarita and start to drink to make it less difficult. She invites us back to her place. We talk about bullshit. I take my guest home and she asks me to come back so I do. Her friend ends up going to sleep. I am sitting facing her dining room wall. She starts running up behind me and running away, but when I look up at her she kisses me, it felt like forever. I missed her so much, and I still care about her, she is like my achillies heel. Then she pulls me onto her floor, wrestles my shirt off, pulls my belt off and for the first time we end up having sex. As a side note it happens to be the first time that I have sex. See as fucked up as I might sound, I am not interested in fucking to fuck. I don't agree with one night stands. I am a name, I have a face, I have feelings, I am not disposible. We laugh and joke through it. Part of me felt like yeah this is her missing me, but in the back of my head I felt like it was just going to go back to her not wanting to see me in that respect again. After the sex was over. We sat kissing and holding hands, I told her that I am the only real man who loves you. She said, " You love me? " Me: Yes. she repeats it again. We end up falling asleep on her floor where she uses my arm as a pillow. Sunday we talk and she says she feels like she ruined my first time, and that she wants me to know she is not a slut, and doesn't usually do things like that. I don't regret being with her, I regret the aftermath which was in the back of my head. Monday rolls around, and I see her but she is cold, but I didn't make any moves I could feel it in the air. When I left she messages me " Are you OK? " I told her I was confused, then she told me she was drunk and doesnt remember how it started. I refreshed her memory. I was so angry I was in tears via these text messages. Turns out I am disposable. So tuesday rolls around and she says come over. Its like midnight. We go through her old tour photos, She plays the new Killers song like 14 times. We bullshit. Now I am not a big fan of The Killers, but lyrically that song felt like it was written for that moment. She was wearing what she wore the night that all that shit went down. Her shorts are so baggy that I just see her panties. She looked so beautiful she looked like a fucking angel. But I respected her space still because the bounderies that she made, that she broke, hadn't been re-established and you have to fucking do that, just its respect. I felt so sad that night because it felt like I was looking at someone who's lips I would never taste again, and who's body I would never feel against mine. I didn't make any moves and neither did she. It hurt me so bad. Yesterday I tell her that, she said she felt it was the perfect evening and feels like she cant give me what I want. At this point I felt I just wanted someone who wanted to be with me that could meet me half way. I am not judgemental, I am a gentleman, I have gotten better looking, I am smart, I am sometimes slightly funny, I am loyal, fully honest, 100% caring. I don't hurt people who don't mess with me, I don't loose my temper. How could one person manipulate and use another person, like that? Why would someone be like that? What do you gain? Why me, why do that to me, when I have never hurt you? Tonight I think might be a showdown of sorts. Sorry to write a huge stupid thing but is on my mind. Thanks for your time.
loading your activity feed...
I feel like I have done so much growing up in the last 7 months. It is fucking incredible, even if it is not good. I guess the one complaint that I have to share is this. So I met a girl a year ago. She was beautiful and captivating. We went out twice, because she was sneaking around to see her ex-boyfriend who used to beat the shit out of her. We talked semi frequently, I had feelings for her still, but never told her, that really hurt. Whatever. February rolls around and she wants to start hanging out. So I said ok, she was going through a major court thing. Valintines Day I see her. She crys, I listen to her, I don't make any moves because it's not right. We start seeing eachother more often, we start calling eachother. I feel good, things move very slow, but they do move, which I felt was unusual because her history is not one that takes things slow, but I don't pressure people. We see eachother every week, we kiss and hug, I spend the night with her. May rolls around I don't see her through that whole month, we speak sporadically. At the end of the month she has to move. So it turns out that her mother and myself end up dismantling her furnature and wrap it and what not. The next weekend I rent a U-Haul on the hottest day of the year at that point. We load it up, and then we move her, like four blocks away from me. I assemble her new apartment. Essentially it is just the two of us moving her in. The next weekend I meet her dad. Things seem good. Then she says we gotta talk. " I'm not where you're at. When I think of the person that I want to be with, its you, you are perfect. I wan't you in my life. I might wake up in a week from now, six months from now, a year from now and realize I threw away the only thing that meant something. But I am interested in someone that I work with. " I am polite, I respect the fact she had the courage to say that. " I don't talk to her except...