glamerdork

I dyed my hair red yesterday. I also dyed some of the toliet seat red, but I managed to fix that. --

So now i'm sitting here with preztels and warm coke, attempting to find something interesting to do. I'm planning on heading downtown around 1 because I have to be at the Reskin at 4 for strike.

And commercialism is really bothering me. Everything relatively afforadable that once was unique is now marketed to the whole. I don't remember it being this bad when I was growing up, but maybe that's just because I wasn't faced with the knowledge that it's all about brainwashing!

I was speaking to my friend Sara on the phone the other day. Sara and I went to a theatre intensive together at UCLA two summers ago. Now she's at BU majoring in advertising. I mentioned to her how I know I'd be good at advertising, but I could never bring myself to do it. It's against my morals. She joked about how ironic it was that they tried to teach them ethics.

See- I'm at this stage in my life right now where I really do not know what i want to do. I *thought* I wanted to do theatre... but slowly I'm becoming unsure. I guess what drew me to theatre so much is that there are parts of it that are still less- commercialized than the majority of america. I didn't want to be an art major because it's nearly impossible to have a career as a fine artist- I'd end up drawing/painting for someone else. Most likely in order to sell whatever they're selling. I don't want to work for someone else.

So what if I personalize everything I do? It's like-- they all say that like it's a bad thing. Fuck college for being a business to train thought clone zombies. I do not want to be just another robot in a parade of useless technologically advanced similiarity. Where is this world headed anyway? Everything we do is for someone else- we're not allowed to take a moment to do the things that only our minds can come up with. We want everyone to understand. If my costume designs are too intellectual for an audience then I'm the one at fault.

And I'm not saying that I should personalize something like designs for a show. Theatre *is* about the audience. So maybe I'm in the wrong field. But the question remains, is there a right field????

There's no crying, no crying in baseball...

and no right field in my life.

And, as I was saying, I hate how college is such a buisness. It's like-- you have to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to attend a school that teaches you to be like everyone else. If I'm going to pay thousands and thousands of dollars (well, if my parents are going to pay...) then I want to be learning how to exemplify my best self. Is exemplify a word? -- Anyways...

When I was in Berkeley, my family went to a Chinese resturaunt. My fortune cookie read: You will make a name for yourself.

Not that I believe in fortune cookies.

And not that I don't automatically at "in bed" to the end of them...

but I want to believe it. I want to think that I have something special to offer to this world. I don't know if it's in the area of theatre. Lately, i've had this urge to help people. I think that if I can find a way to help people through the arts that is not commercialized, I will find the right place for me to be.

Then again, I do need to make money. I would like to one day have a house and perhaps a family--

therefore, I know that I, like everyone else, will have to give in to America the beautifully discusting.

No one can escape it..... so why not give in?



fuck.