Is there any worse way to see oneself than as a failure? I bet there really is, but with everything that tags along, it's a lot to swallow and not easily shaken...
I know I'm not really failing, but I'm dropping out of school for now because I just can't afford it. $600 a month is more than I can handle- I never should have jumped into this position, in all honesty, but I couldn't bear the thought of not going back this fall. Last year my fiance and I lived together, and he covered most of the bills while I took care of my school and the house... I grew tired of being dependent, and he moved back with his parents while I rode out the lease we were on- I spent he summer at my parents', then set up an apartment with a friend of mine for the school year. Got a new job, but they never seem to be able (or willing?) to schedule me for enough hours.
Money talk is whiney and boring.
The lesson I've learned, overall, is that: Time is my most valuable resource. Everything takes time, it's a universal currency. I can use it to make money, to learn, to help others, to invest in myself... I can ration it, budget it, schedule it, but not stop it. My biggest question has always been "how will i prioritize my time?" I have this planner, where I'd record class times, meeting times, homework, volunteering, shopping lists, chores lists... so many lists. I was obsessive about that thing. But I think back, and living like that, with every waking minute rationed out and every minute rested viewed as a waste, a failure... it's not who I am. I was on a mission, dead set on my goals and meeting them in a timely manner... but I feel like I sacrificed my personality along the way- I used to be so free-spirited, open-minded and spontaneous; fun-loving. I think I'm ready for some new things. I'm taking this time off from school to take my time back, to develop, to seek inspiration, to try new things and seek new views.
I...

Is there any worse way to see oneself than as a failure? I bet there really is, but with everything that tags along, it's a lot to swallow and not easily shaken...
I know I'm not really failing, but I'm dropping out of school for now because I just can't afford it. $600 a month is more than I can handle- I never should have jumped into this position, in all honesty, but I couldn't bear the thought of not going back this fall. Last year my fiance and I lived together, and he covered most of the bills while I took care of my school and the house... I grew tired of being dependent, and he moved back with his parents while I rode out the lease we were on- I spent he summer at my parents', then set up an apartment with a friend of mine for the school year. Got a new job, but they never seem to be able (or willing?) to schedule me for enough hours.
Money talk is whiney and boring.
The lesson I've learned, overall, is that: Time is my most valuable resource. Everything takes time, it's a universal currency. I can use it to make money, to learn, to help others, to invest in myself... I can ration it, budget it, schedule it, but not stop it. My biggest question has always been "how will i prioritize my time?" I have this planner, where I'd record class times, meeting times, homework, volunteering, shopping lists, chores lists... so many lists. I was obsessive about that thing. But I think back, and living like that, with every waking minute rationed out and every minute rested viewed as a waste, a failure... it's not who I am. I was on a mission, dead set on my goals and meeting them in a timely manner... but I feel like I sacrificed my personality along the way- I used to be so free-spirited, open-minded and spontaneous; fun-loving. I think I'm ready for some new things. I'm taking this time off from school to take my time back, to develop, to seek inspiration, to try new things and seek new views.
I guess you could say I'm in revision.
That's partially why I'm here- I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I have a feeling coming here is a step on the right track.
A plus from all this is that I'll have both more free time and more free money. The question is- for what use?