Listen to Music. The Exquisite Lux Divon A Most Special Sparkle.
This has recieved a spectacular review.
This past year has been probably the most turbulent of my entire life. I experienced the first loss of someone who I actually mourned despire the fact I do not believe in it. Through my xanga I found my way to the path of my true self and made numerous concious realizations. I have experienced the disintigration of what for a long time I thought was the last relationship I would ever have or need. Amongst many other things. I have not felt right for a long time. Lately I have been so sensitive that I have been having reactions to things more than I ever recall having. At work I carry a retractible keychain and it rests on my hip. A few weeks ago I let it retract and the vibration of the chain rent straight into my hip, I thought I was going to vomit and collapse. I didn't, I kept myself together. My spine has not felt the same since. The way I feel has always been weird but just more so lately. After she broke up with me I thought I was okay. I am still in love with her. I will always be. I have other women that I love. No rebounding, no bullshit. We have had almost no contact since. She sent me a christmas card and I cried. She saw that and left a comment. I responded and read in her journal about this episode with some guy. I will not say what I wanted to do to him. She IM'd me asking for my address. She is mailing back stuff of mine she says she shouldn't still have. I have a lot of her stuff which she says she doesn't need. I am not sure what to say about that. All I know is that in a recent email exchange I have been falling into tears. I have been thinking about it a lot. It was my whole life and it is all gone. She moved home, I moved here. my sisters marriage fell apart. I have barely seen them since. She broke up with me and just stopped talking to me. Deep down I always knew what was going to happen. That it would end. I always know the truth. I always know what is happening. I always know what will happen. At least way deep down. it is not what I wanted to happen and I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did anyway. I think about all the things we did together and never will again. I think about all the things that I am not sure I will ever be able to do again. It was a life I loved, a life I was happy with, and a life I knew I could not keep. I wanted a life with her. Their was a magic to how we did get together. when I fell in love with her it opened me up to be able to love as i do now. If not for her I could not give the love that I do those who are able to enjoy it now. Perhaps that was her purpose in my life. It has changed my life dramatically from what I was before her. Although since I came to her rescue and later moved in together their was a certain uneasiness. Their was often behavior that made me question if she really wanted to be with me. Maybe it is good that I am moving. I recently told her about what has come up. Some one found me that needs my help. Some one who is very gifted, talented and intelligent. She needs love, care, attention and help to turn her life around. I am going to move to the north east for about a year or so to help her finish school and take care of her son. This has become a point of a lot of stress. Mixed reviews from my family and others I have told. In essence I am putting my life and plans on hold. I have been told it is wrong to put the lives of others before mine. Others have asked if she is using me. It has been made clear that her life is at stake and that of her son. I can make a difference. I know this is a matter of my fate. She deserves a chance at a better life. Her son deserves to have a decent life. My life is not my own. I am here to serve those who need me. I would not be doing this for just anyone. She is someone who is worth saving and I belive can be. Deep down she wants to be. I am the only one who can do it. It will not be easy by any means. It will be complicated and strained. I know this is not making sense really. What it all comes down to is this, No one else is me. No one else can do what I can do. Their are far more facets to this than I have explained. this is my path, My fate. I am not sacrificing my other relationships. although I do fear the strain on them. As i have said my life has no value to me. If you need me, then you are why I am here. It has been suggested to me recently that I want to be needed. That is not the case at all. I have absolutely no interest in living or being a human. If I was not forced to be alive. If I was not needed then I would be gone. I am trapped by love and empathy. I really do not want anyone to be dependent on me. To be honest I am continuously baffled by the love that others would share with me. I am very insecure about it all. I know that all I love will be taken from me. I must always fear hurting those that I love. I can I belive in the love of someone who will just leave when their problems are solved. I want them to be strong and independent. I want them to be healthy, powerful and confident. I want them to be with me because they are emotionally crippled or projecting fantasies on me. I can barely even see straight. Need me because I am everything you desire in a man. Need me because what you are with me you could never be with anyone else. Love me for all the reasons that I love you. Pure unconditional love because I am all the things that I am. love because who I am touches you in places you never knew anyone could touch you. You get the idea. This was a mess. I should erase it later. I need to do somthign else now.
This has recieved a spectacular review.
This past year has been probably the most turbulent of my entire life. I experienced the first loss of someone who I actually mourned despire the fact I do not believe in it. Through my xanga I found my way to the path of my true self and made numerous concious realizations. I have experienced the disintigration of what for a long time I thought was the last relationship I would ever have or need. Amongst many other things. I have not felt right for a long time. Lately I have been so sensitive that I have been having reactions to things more than I ever recall having. At work I carry a retractible keychain and it rests on my hip. A few weeks ago I let it retract and the vibration of the chain rent straight into my hip, I thought I was going to vomit and collapse. I didn't, I kept myself together. My spine has not felt the same since. The way I feel has always been weird but just more so lately. After she broke up with me I thought I was okay. I am still in love with her. I will always be. I have other women that I love. No rebounding, no bullshit. We have had almost no contact since. She sent me a christmas card and I cried. She saw that and left a comment. I responded and read in her journal about this episode with some guy. I will not say what I wanted to do to him. She IM'd me asking for my address. She is mailing back stuff of mine she says she shouldn't still have. I have a lot of her stuff which she says she doesn't need. I am not sure what to say about that. All I know is that in a recent email exchange I have been falling into tears. I have been thinking about it a lot. It was my whole life and it is all gone. She moved home, I moved here. my sisters marriage fell apart. I have barely seen them since. She broke up with me and just stopped talking to me. Deep down I always knew what was going to happen. That it would end. I always know the truth. I always know what is happening. I always know what will happen. At least way deep down. it is not what I wanted to happen and I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did anyway. I think about all the things we did together and never will again. I think about all the things that I am not sure I will ever be able to do again. It was a life I loved, a life I was happy with, and a life I knew I could not keep. I wanted a life with her. Their was a magic to how we did get together. when I fell in love with her it opened me up to be able to love as i do now. If not for her I could not give the love that I do those who are able to enjoy it now. Perhaps that was her purpose in my life. It has changed my life dramatically from what I was before her. Although since I came to her rescue and later moved in together their was a certain uneasiness. Their was often behavior that made me question if she really wanted to be with me. Maybe it is good that I am moving. I recently told her about what has come up. Some one found me that needs my help. Some one who is very gifted, talented and intelligent. She needs love, care, attention and help to turn her life around. I am going to move to the north east for about a year or so to help her finish school and take care of her son. This has become a point of a lot of stress. Mixed reviews from my family and others I have told. In essence I am putting my life and plans on hold. I have been told it is wrong to put the lives of others before mine. Others have asked if she is using me. It has been made clear that her life is at stake and that of her son. I can make a difference. I know this is a matter of my fate. She deserves a chance at a better life. Her son deserves to have a decent life. My life is not my own. I am here to serve those who need me. I would not be doing this for just anyone. She is someone who is worth saving and I belive can be. Deep down she wants to be. I am the only one who can do it. It will not be easy by any means. It will be complicated and strained. I know this is not making sense really. What it all comes down to is this, No one else is me. No one else can do what I can do. Their are far more facets to this than I have explained. this is my path, My fate. I am not sacrificing my other relationships. although I do fear the strain on them. As i have said my life has no value to me. If you need me, then you are why I am here. It has been suggested to me recently that I want to be needed. That is not the case at all. I have absolutely no interest in living or being a human. If I was not forced to be alive. If I was not needed then I would be gone. I am trapped by love and empathy. I really do not want anyone to be dependent on me. To be honest I am continuously baffled by the love that others would share with me. I am very insecure about it all. I know that all I love will be taken from me. I must always fear hurting those that I love. I can I belive in the love of someone who will just leave when their problems are solved. I want them to be strong and independent. I want them to be healthy, powerful and confident. I want them to be with me because they are emotionally crippled or projecting fantasies on me. I can barely even see straight. Need me because I am everything you desire in a man. Need me because what you are with me you could never be with anyone else. Love me for all the reasons that I love you. Pure unconditional love because I am all the things that I am. love because who I am touches you in places you never knew anyone could touch you. You get the idea. This was a mess. I should erase it later. I need to do somthign else now.
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~Sparkles