endquire

due to my current affliction I will be focusing my work in my xanga. I just do not trust myself and I am so afraid of hurting anyone that I care about. When I have some semblance of myself back I will write in here again. I wish I could explain how much I love. I am sorry I am what I am. I have to go now.

To anyone who would like to know about how I spent my Saturday it is one page over. I have a lot on my mind. Well I always do. All I do all day is discuss and rant about everything in my head. Sometimes out loud. My external and my internal are quite separate. Almost nothing of what I really am inside gets out. I largely run on auto pilot anyway. Everything is automatic. I minimize the need for any external thought. I have a decent enough illusion of a person for people to interact with. It is interesting how far you can get with people on simple set responses. Few people merit really conscious interaction. I try to ignore as many people as possible. It is best to keep my interactions with others to that which is absolutely necessary or desirable. Nothing inside me is ever created or destroyed. It all exists at once. Their is so much I would destroy about myself. Well I should never have been born. I wish I could at least kill my hope, my optimism, and a few of my personalities. All in balance, right? All of them pull in all their own directions at once keeping me here, in my place, on my path. Yes they are useful. Their is nothing that I cannot understand. No perspective I am alien to. I have awareness that transcends my consciousness and life. The balance is better. It is like when I was describing where I live to someone. She pointed out how it seemed to be a rather nice place to live. In many senses it is. It has its own balance. I function because I am all good and all evil running at full power together. The power to feel and give infinite unconditional love. To be able to give and serve as I am needed. Yet to be able to wield my dark side in the ways it is appreciated and desired. This is all ridiculous. if anyone reads this they will think I am insane. Which really I am but no one will every really know. althought their are some with the keys to my secrets. Those who really deserve to know. Those who really were meant to see those deepest places within me will find their way in. I am to be used by those who appreciate the gifts I have to give. I am to be loved by those who were truly meant to love me. Those who will truly accept me and want to really find their rightful place in here. When I find one of those people I do try so hard to help them. Most people will never be closer than arms length. Which is good. The funny thing is that the more dangerous someone could be to me the closer I let them in. Their is someone out their who understands me more than anyone else ever has. She is the most dangerous and frightening person that I have ever met. She found love in me and is afraid that she will harm me. I raise no guard to her. Their is someone else out there who could mean just as much to me. I am trying to open myself up. She fills me with fear and dread. No one in this world will feel what it is to be loved like they will. I am so close to finding my Ultimate level. Soon my truth will be opened and all that I am will be. I have felt it. I have tasted it. When I feel my passion and all the power flowing through me. From the earth into the stars. That feeling when you are afraid to that if you touch her she will turn to ash and blow away. The feeling that when you make love to her she will feel your whole life flow through her, feel your power and then see with new eyes. To make her new and pure with my touch and the gift of all that I have inside me. Their are things I dare not say and I dare not dream. Maybe listening to Sigur ros is messing with me. One of the reasons I prize music is that it has always allowed me to feel emotions that I could not feel otherwise. Sort of a connection to humanity that has been rather elusive. My senstivity and empathy are one thing. The others inside me are another. Regardless of my wishes I am here. My sisters pivotal act has me on a path of "good". I make such an effort to be my ideal. To be what I think should be. I make every effort to be as unselfish as I can. I make every effort to be as polite and considerate as possible. I work ever harder to be what I feel a gentleman, a prince, should be. I sublimate all of my aggression and violent needs into my sexual power and such distractions as video games and toys. I do own and purchase a lot of weapons. Sex and death. I know the cost of the other path. It is a shorter path. It is an easier path. It is a path I can walk all alone and never care. I have taken the path of life, love, and sexuality. The path where I am an animal that hungers, feels, and breathes. So many people waste their lives in all of the illusions. Most are so dull they are happy with it. I never wanted this life. I do not want to take it for granted like every one else. I do not want to waste it. So I will devote it and all I am to those fate has told me to. In the end all is to be able to scoop all those that deserve it and hide them away as I watch the world burn itself out. Then I could set them all back down. Tell them is it all safe and clean. You are free to find your real potential. The true beauty of humanity. None of this makes sense or what I intended to write. I have in intention of reading what I wrote nor do I remember now. I might in a few days. Who knows. I looked at Ondines profile and her set. I avoided it for so long. She is still dead. I still have questions. I have no real fears in my life. I will do everything I can to be as unleashed and open as possible for the sake of my love. My love is everything. It is what I am. It is my salvation and the path to my truth. god their is so much more.

Also I have someone who is far more than a best friend. She has a most special place with me. Despite are differing taste in women.

I just bought Sigur ros, frou frou, dj shadow and suck it and see(just the cd, not the dvd).