Keep it simple (5-19-11)
So last night I find myself watching reruns of Cheers on the TV Land channel at 2am. I remember how much I used to love watching that show. It reminds me of a simpler time in my life and more than that I marvel at the simplicity of the characters and the writing. They come to the same place every day, do the same thing and have the times of their lives. Yes on occasion they venture outside of Cheers to do or see other things but when they do they bring “Cheers” with them. Does that make sense to you? These people live within the confines of their happy place and wherever they go they take it with them. It sounds so simple… and beautiful.
“The only true gift is a portion of yourself” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m the type of person who loves to try new things and go on little adventures. I think it adds spice to life. I’m also the type of person who likes some stability and consistency to fall back on when I come back from the adventures. I need a good base otherwise I have nothing to build on. I can’t have the frosting without a nice cake under it. Okay, I think you get it. The problem I think I sometimes have is that I don’t always bring “myself” when I go out and do these things. I used to think I was very shy and anti-social but I don’t believe that anymore. I now think I’m simply very untrusting of people, especially those I don’t know. I don’t bring myself out until I feel like it’s safe to come out, so to speak. I talk in intermittent spurts while my mind is racing and reading trying to figure out the person or people in front of me. I’m always thinking. Can I share part of myself with these people? Do I WANT to share myself with this person? Will they judge me? Will they or could they hurt me if I open up a bit? Do they even deserve to get any of me? I know that last one sounded a bit arrogant but screw that, I’m not wasting time or myself around ignorant people or people who give me bad vibes/energy. There’s no use giving love, joy or hope to someone who has none of things and does not want to receive them. I try to put out good energy but I’m not going to use a spray bottle on a raging inferno. Anyway as you can see, I feel strongly about it but maybe not so much that I should assume 98% of the people I meet are this way.
“The aspects of things that are most important to us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein
The problem is that I hold on too tight. I have to find a middle ground between gullible and skeptical, between discerning and overlooking. The past few years I’ve opened up a little more and those who know me can probably see it. A couple years ago I was a very private, very reclusive person who generally would only give things away in the form of a blog rather than in person. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been blogging a lot less this year. It’s not because I grow tired of blogging or that I have nothing to say. It’s because I’m letting more things out of me around real people so I have less for the online peeps.
“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity” -Charles Mingus
This whole thing is about me letting go and being me no matter what or where the circumstances. It’s what I strive to be. It would seem like a basic thing, just be yourself all the time. But with all the phonies out there and the hiding in here it can be a real challenge. I just have to remind myself from time to time it’s all about keeping it simple.
“I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.” – Albert Einstein
So last night I find myself watching reruns of Cheers on the TV Land channel at 2am. I remember how much I used to love watching that show. It reminds me of a simpler time in my life and more than that I marvel at the simplicity of the characters and the writing. They come to the same place every day, do the same thing and have the times of their lives. Yes on occasion they venture outside of Cheers to do or see other things but when they do they bring “Cheers” with them. Does that make sense to you? These people live within the confines of their happy place and wherever they go they take it with them. It sounds so simple… and beautiful.
“The only true gift is a portion of yourself” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m the type of person who loves to try new things and go on little adventures. I think it adds spice to life. I’m also the type of person who likes some stability and consistency to fall back on when I come back from the adventures. I need a good base otherwise I have nothing to build on. I can’t have the frosting without a nice cake under it. Okay, I think you get it. The problem I think I sometimes have is that I don’t always bring “myself” when I go out and do these things. I used to think I was very shy and anti-social but I don’t believe that anymore. I now think I’m simply very untrusting of people, especially those I don’t know. I don’t bring myself out until I feel like it’s safe to come out, so to speak. I talk in intermittent spurts while my mind is racing and reading trying to figure out the person or people in front of me. I’m always thinking. Can I share part of myself with these people? Do I WANT to share myself with this person? Will they judge me? Will they or could they hurt me if I open up a bit? Do they even deserve to get any of me? I know that last one sounded a bit arrogant but screw that, I’m not wasting time or myself around ignorant people or people who give me bad vibes/energy. There’s no use giving love, joy or hope to someone who has none of things and does not want to receive them. I try to put out good energy but I’m not going to use a spray bottle on a raging inferno. Anyway as you can see, I feel strongly about it but maybe not so much that I should assume 98% of the people I meet are this way.
“The aspects of things that are most important to us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein
The problem is that I hold on too tight. I have to find a middle ground between gullible and skeptical, between discerning and overlooking. The past few years I’ve opened up a little more and those who know me can probably see it. A couple years ago I was a very private, very reclusive person who generally would only give things away in the form of a blog rather than in person. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been blogging a lot less this year. It’s not because I grow tired of blogging or that I have nothing to say. It’s because I’m letting more things out of me around real people so I have less for the online peeps.
“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity” -Charles Mingus
This whole thing is about me letting go and being me no matter what or where the circumstances. It’s what I strive to be. It would seem like a basic thing, just be yourself all the time. But with all the phonies out there and the hiding in here it can be a real challenge. I just have to remind myself from time to time it’s all about keeping it simple.
“I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.” – Albert Einstein
Words and Actions
Here I am the day after my first ever poetry reading. I have mixed feelings. I read 5 pieces in all and the experience was phenomenal but there was one thing missing… my friend. I wrote a poem for her and she hadn’t seen or heard it yet and I was going to perform it for her. Even though I recently wrote it, I learned it down cold so I could recite it without paper. She didn’t show. She didn’t show because I hurt her the night before. I didn’t support her so she didn’t support me. I’ll get back to this later.
For many years I wanted to read poetry in front of a crowd. It seemed like every time I was ready to do it something happened like the poetry series I was going to try closed down or the person who ran a different series moved to another state. I began to wonder if these were signs that it wouldn’t happen. Did I miss my chance? The major regular poetry reading events were gone and I heard only rumors or bits about other little ones around town. I packed away the pieces I wrote and kinda forgot about poetry for a while.
A little over a year later I met someone who moved me so much that I started to write again. She was extraordinary, so much so that I felt inspiration finally return. She was my muse although she didn’t know it. I started to write about her and then I started to write about other things. My poetry sabbatical had ended. Now I had all these poems and I wanted to share them with her, with you, with everyone but how?
Several more months passed and I was still writing poetry every now and then because she and other things kept inspiring me. A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned that they were going to start poetry readings at Caffe Aroma. This was it! This was my chance to get in front of that mic after all this time and fulfill a dream. This was my chance to share with my inspiration a piece that was written just for her. I committed to going even though at the time it was still a few weeks away.
As the days closed to poetry day I wrote a few new pieces. I wrote one about fear that I was going to read first. I wrote a new one for my friend. I mentioned that I wrote one for her when she asked about an older one I wrote for her and she wanted me to email it to her. I declined although she almost convinced me to do it. I wanted her to hear it from me. I wanted to see the look on her face. I stuck to my guns.
I arrived almost an hour before the scheduled start time. It was raining steadily all evening. I wondered if this would affect the turnout. On the facebook page for the event 12 people said they’d be there and 1 was the host so I thought there would be around 10 poets. I liked this open mic poetry thing a lot because it was their first one so it would be small, a friend was hosting it, it was at a place I’m very comfortable in and I knew a few friends were going to be there to support me. This was the right place and time to break my poetry reading cherry.
As it turned out there were only 4 actual readers and that was including me. I had more friends there than that (5)! The place wasn’t full but it was definitely more than half full. The first reader went, an 84 year old poetry pro. His pieces were thought provoking and I tried to listen as much as I could but I knew I was next and my nerves were on crack. I felt so twitchy. I keep telling myself 2 things. The first was to take a nice deep breath when I felt extra tense. The second was that I kept reminding myself to enjoy it. This was my first time. I couldn’t do it for the first time after this. Enjoy it Ed, this is your moment. When the first reader finished he called me up and I grabbed my stack of words and walked up there.
There was a nice tall chair set up next to the mic so I sat down and I think the chair really helped. I was beyond nervous. I took a quick look at my friends and then I started the first piece “Fear”. The piece talks about how my fears keep me from doing things, even from trying things sometimes. I tackled my fears head on by doing this piece right out of the gate. This moment was years in the making and when I reached the end of that piece I knew I’d be alright. My mindset switched from “I don’t know if I can do this” to “Try not to stumble on your words that much”. I began the 2nd piece with a brief introduction about it being short and silly and how it was “written for someone who I thought was coming tonight but isn’t here.” A guy in the front volunteered to take her place. I allowed it and began. This was the only piece I could do without the benefit of a page in front of me and so I did it that way. When I finished that piece and received a great ovation my nervous energy had turned into adrenaline and a rush that had me higher than I’d been in years!
I went up a second time and did a few more pieces because there weren’t too many readers and although I think my tongue stumbled a little a few times, I felt like it went well. I did a piece on President Obama and how I felt in 2008 the day after he won and another one on my identity crisis growing up that continues to this day.
Everyone said I didn’t look nervous despite my insides rattling something fierce when I was up there. A friend even took video of my performances and I can’t wait to see them. Overall the night went nearly perfect with only the one thing lacking to prevent perfection… the absence of my friend, the unknowing muse.
The night before she invited me out along with 3 other friends. I accepted because I hadn’t seen her in nearly 5 weeks and I missed her greatly. She’s super busy with her job so there have been times where I wouldn’t see her for long stretches but this was probably the longest stretch of not seeing her in the year that I’ve known her.
She picked me up on the way to our destination and I was so happy to see her again. She looked even prettier than the last time I’d seen her. I was in awe. We babbled excitedly all the way down so much so that I forgot to tell her where to turn. We met up with another friend and 4 of us went to a bar to await the 5th.
There were people everywhere and it was pretty loud. We all got drinks and posed for a few pictures. Things seemed okay when a guy arrived who I hadn’t seen before. She went right over to him and greeted him and then led him by the hand to our group to meet everyone. Now things began to click. I knew why I hadn’t seen her in so long. There was a new guy. I wish she had told me he was coming because my insides went spinning rapidly when all of it hit me. All my silly hopes and dreams were crushed. It shocked my system but nothing was more shocked or hurt than my heart. I knew how she felt about me, why did it hurt so much?
Somewhere around the 2nd month we knew each other I mentioned to her that I had developing feelings for her through writing. She quickly pointed out that she didn’t have them for me. It was a hard pill to swallow. We were getting to know each other and with every meeting my feelings for her grew. Sometime during the winter those feelings grew into something I hadn’t felt since the supposed love of my life almost 8 years earlier. I knew she didn’t feel the same but like a fool I hoped that the more she got to know me and more we connected over time, experiences, moments and memories that something would develop. I'm a good guy. We obviously have some sort of connection. I thought that my love for her would somehow create a love for me. I knew the odds weren't in my favor but if there is just the slightest, smallest chance you could find someone to be with you for the rest of your life you take that chance.
Everyone who I talked to seeking advice warned me of this strategy. They told me to move on, stay away from her, forget about her, avoid the inevitable pain, embarrassment and heartache in store for me. It wasn’t a strategy, I mean she was my friend and a close one at that. I cared deeply about her. How do you kick someone like that out of your life? I had shared some amazing and memorable times with her and that’s just in the first year we knew each other. I wondered how do I maintain this great friendship without getting hurt, hurting her or making things too uncomfortable?
My plan was simple, don’t tell her how I feel. Bury it. I hoped one of two things would happen: 1- She’d eventually fall for me and everything would be fine or 2- Enough time would pass where my feelings would fade, I’d meet someone else or I would be able to accept the facts and get over it. Obviously I was pulling for #1 but either would have avoided what would happen on that night. As it turned out, my feelings didn't fade, every woman I met I compared to her and they didn't compare and although deep down I knew the truth, I guess I wanted to believe in some hopelessly romantic way that she'd fall for me. Unfortunately when I saw her flirting with this new guy and being handsy I was filled with so much jealousy, anger, hurt and who knows what else. The level of emotional pain surprised and overwhelmed me. There was this woman I adore who didn’t adore me with another guy having a great time. It was eating me up inside. I remember thinking “I waited over a month to see you so I could see this”. I could feel my eyes getting watery. One of the people in the group asked me if I needed a drink. I accepted and he got me a big margarita. I drank it within 20 seconds and put the glass on the bar.
What was I going to do? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to drink myself so silly that I wouldn’t remember the moment. I thought of her. I didn’t want to ruin her night or any of our other friends by being an ass. I didn't know what I'd do. Would I say snooty things? Would I just be really quiet while the hurt tore me apart inside? I didn’t want to hurt her so I said goodbye to each person including the new guy and I took off. I thought I was doing the right thing but what I didn’t know was that by leaving I really hurt her feelings. So by trying not to hurt her, I hurt her anyway. The last thing she said to me was that she’d see me the next night for the poetry thing. I think I nodded as I hurried out the door. I wonder now if I would have reacted the same way if I knew he was coming and she told me about him prior to his arrival.
I marched my way home walking a 40 minute walk in 30 minutes fighting back tears. I felt so small. I felt so naïve. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know I’d react how I did but I also thought it was just going to be some old friends hanging out. The new guy surprised me and the bare truth laid out in front of me tore me down to my core. I finally saw and became 100% certain that her and I was not to be. My hopes, dreams and love no matter how foolish were destroyed. I am a passionate, sensitive, prideful, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and while those things often do me credit, in this instance they did great harm. I wished I could turn off my feelings for her. I asked my heart several times that night why I felt the way I did about her. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I fell in love with her.
The next day my mind was consumed with my pain, my nerves and my poetry reading, so much so that I didn’t write her to apologize for leaving. She didn’t write or text either. I didn’t know or think she was hurt or anything, just surprised. I never meant to ruin her night. I tried to save it. Of course I was blinded by my pain and I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I discovered she wasn’t happy with me when she didn’t show. She didn’t even text or call to say she couldn’t make it. Nearly that whole hour I was at the coffeeshop before the reading started I kept looking out the window, hoping my muse would show. I was waiting to see her coming down the sidewalk or crossing the street, filling my heart with joy. I understood she was with some guy now and that my hopes and dreams were gone but I still really wanted to recite her poem to her. As my inspiration, I owed her that.
After I got home feeling as high as can be with a wonderful 1st reading behind me something in the back of my mind was starting to bother me. So I promptly wrote her to apologize and she replied quickly telling me how she felt. I didn’t support her so she didn’t feel like supporting me. Then my great night went in the crapper as the guilt took over and I felt so awful inside for hurting the one person in the world I least wanted to hurt.
I don’t know where things are between us now. Can we still be friends? I hope so but at the same time I can’t change how I feel. You can’t tell someone not to love someone. On the one hand my unresolved feelings have a resolution I wasn't expecting, on the other I've only loved 2 people in my entire life, including her. Love doesn't come easy for anyone, especially me. Yep, I'm an idiot. I hope she can forgive me. If she wants me to stay away, I'll disappear and never bother her ever again. I don't know what to do about it. It's out there now. There's no more hiding my feelings. There just a love unrequited. The feelings are already beginning to fade. Once upon a time very recently I loved this woman... does she even care? Does that mean anything to someone who doesn't feel the same way?
She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. It sounds cliché and corny but she makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to shoot for the moon and go places I’ve never been. She makes me want to take better care of myself. She makes me want to live life more passionately and courageously. The bottom line is that she makes me very happy and I am so comfortable around her. I definitely want her to be happy but more than anything I just wish it could have been with me. If she had opened her heart to me, I would have loved her like she's never been loved. Without her I feel like an uncompleted poem. I want to finish it. I want to share it. I want to read it to you but without my muse, I don’t have the words.
Here I am the day after my first ever poetry reading. I have mixed feelings. I read 5 pieces in all and the experience was phenomenal but there was one thing missing… my friend. I wrote a poem for her and she hadn’t seen or heard it yet and I was going to perform it for her. Even though I recently wrote it, I learned it down cold so I could recite it without paper. She didn’t show. She didn’t show because I hurt her the night before. I didn’t support her so she didn’t support me. I’ll get back to this later.
For many years I wanted to read poetry in front of a crowd. It seemed like every time I was ready to do it something happened like the poetry series I was going to try closed down or the person who ran a different series moved to another state. I began to wonder if these were signs that it wouldn’t happen. Did I miss my chance? The major regular poetry reading events were gone and I heard only rumors or bits about other little ones around town. I packed away the pieces I wrote and kinda forgot about poetry for a while.
A little over a year later I met someone who moved me so much that I started to write again. She was extraordinary, so much so that I felt inspiration finally return. She was my muse although she didn’t know it. I started to write about her and then I started to write about other things. My poetry sabbatical had ended. Now I had all these poems and I wanted to share them with her, with you, with everyone but how?
Several more months passed and I was still writing poetry every now and then because she and other things kept inspiring me. A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned that they were going to start poetry readings at Caffe Aroma. This was it! This was my chance to get in front of that mic after all this time and fulfill a dream. This was my chance to share with my inspiration a piece that was written just for her. I committed to going even though at the time it was still a few weeks away.
As the days closed to poetry day I wrote a few new pieces. I wrote one about fear that I was going to read first. I wrote a new one for my friend. I mentioned that I wrote one for her when she asked about an older one I wrote for her and she wanted me to email it to her. I declined although she almost convinced me to do it. I wanted her to hear it from me. I wanted to see the look on her face. I stuck to my guns.
I arrived almost an hour before the scheduled start time. It was raining steadily all evening. I wondered if this would affect the turnout. On the facebook page for the event 12 people said they’d be there and 1 was the host so I thought there would be around 10 poets. I liked this open mic poetry thing a lot because it was their first one so it would be small, a friend was hosting it, it was at a place I’m very comfortable in and I knew a few friends were going to be there to support me. This was the right place and time to break my poetry reading cherry.
As it turned out there were only 4 actual readers and that was including me. I had more friends there than that (5)! The place wasn’t full but it was definitely more than half full. The first reader went, an 84 year old poetry pro. His pieces were thought provoking and I tried to listen as much as I could but I knew I was next and my nerves were on crack. I felt so twitchy. I keep telling myself 2 things. The first was to take a nice deep breath when I felt extra tense. The second was that I kept reminding myself to enjoy it. This was my first time. I couldn’t do it for the first time after this. Enjoy it Ed, this is your moment. When the first reader finished he called me up and I grabbed my stack of words and walked up there.
There was a nice tall chair set up next to the mic so I sat down and I think the chair really helped. I was beyond nervous. I took a quick look at my friends and then I started the first piece “Fear”. The piece talks about how my fears keep me from doing things, even from trying things sometimes. I tackled my fears head on by doing this piece right out of the gate. This moment was years in the making and when I reached the end of that piece I knew I’d be alright. My mindset switched from “I don’t know if I can do this” to “Try not to stumble on your words that much”. I began the 2nd piece with a brief introduction about it being short and silly and how it was “written for someone who I thought was coming tonight but isn’t here.” A guy in the front volunteered to take her place. I allowed it and began. This was the only piece I could do without the benefit of a page in front of me and so I did it that way. When I finished that piece and received a great ovation my nervous energy had turned into adrenaline and a rush that had me higher than I’d been in years!
I went up a second time and did a few more pieces because there weren’t too many readers and although I think my tongue stumbled a little a few times, I felt like it went well. I did a piece on President Obama and how I felt in 2008 the day after he won and another one on my identity crisis growing up that continues to this day.
Everyone said I didn’t look nervous despite my insides rattling something fierce when I was up there. A friend even took video of my performances and I can’t wait to see them. Overall the night went nearly perfect with only the one thing lacking to prevent perfection… the absence of my friend, the unknowing muse.
The night before she invited me out along with 3 other friends. I accepted because I hadn’t seen her in nearly 5 weeks and I missed her greatly. She’s super busy with her job so there have been times where I wouldn’t see her for long stretches but this was probably the longest stretch of not seeing her in the year that I’ve known her.
She picked me up on the way to our destination and I was so happy to see her again. She looked even prettier than the last time I’d seen her. I was in awe. We babbled excitedly all the way down so much so that I forgot to tell her where to turn. We met up with another friend and 4 of us went to a bar to await the 5th.
There were people everywhere and it was pretty loud. We all got drinks and posed for a few pictures. Things seemed okay when a guy arrived who I hadn’t seen before. She went right over to him and greeted him and then led him by the hand to our group to meet everyone. Now things began to click. I knew why I hadn’t seen her in so long. There was a new guy. I wish she had told me he was coming because my insides went spinning rapidly when all of it hit me. All my silly hopes and dreams were crushed. It shocked my system but nothing was more shocked or hurt than my heart. I knew how she felt about me, why did it hurt so much?
Somewhere around the 2nd month we knew each other I mentioned to her that I had developing feelings for her through writing. She quickly pointed out that she didn’t have them for me. It was a hard pill to swallow. We were getting to know each other and with every meeting my feelings for her grew. Sometime during the winter those feelings grew into something I hadn’t felt since the supposed love of my life almost 8 years earlier. I knew she didn’t feel the same but like a fool I hoped that the more she got to know me and more we connected over time, experiences, moments and memories that something would develop. I'm a good guy. We obviously have some sort of connection. I thought that my love for her would somehow create a love for me. I knew the odds weren't in my favor but if there is just the slightest, smallest chance you could find someone to be with you for the rest of your life you take that chance.
Everyone who I talked to seeking advice warned me of this strategy. They told me to move on, stay away from her, forget about her, avoid the inevitable pain, embarrassment and heartache in store for me. It wasn’t a strategy, I mean she was my friend and a close one at that. I cared deeply about her. How do you kick someone like that out of your life? I had shared some amazing and memorable times with her and that’s just in the first year we knew each other. I wondered how do I maintain this great friendship without getting hurt, hurting her or making things too uncomfortable?
My plan was simple, don’t tell her how I feel. Bury it. I hoped one of two things would happen: 1- She’d eventually fall for me and everything would be fine or 2- Enough time would pass where my feelings would fade, I’d meet someone else or I would be able to accept the facts and get over it. Obviously I was pulling for #1 but either would have avoided what would happen on that night. As it turned out, my feelings didn't fade, every woman I met I compared to her and they didn't compare and although deep down I knew the truth, I guess I wanted to believe in some hopelessly romantic way that she'd fall for me. Unfortunately when I saw her flirting with this new guy and being handsy I was filled with so much jealousy, anger, hurt and who knows what else. The level of emotional pain surprised and overwhelmed me. There was this woman I adore who didn’t adore me with another guy having a great time. It was eating me up inside. I remember thinking “I waited over a month to see you so I could see this”. I could feel my eyes getting watery. One of the people in the group asked me if I needed a drink. I accepted and he got me a big margarita. I drank it within 20 seconds and put the glass on the bar.
What was I going to do? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to drink myself so silly that I wouldn’t remember the moment. I thought of her. I didn’t want to ruin her night or any of our other friends by being an ass. I didn't know what I'd do. Would I say snooty things? Would I just be really quiet while the hurt tore me apart inside? I didn’t want to hurt her so I said goodbye to each person including the new guy and I took off. I thought I was doing the right thing but what I didn’t know was that by leaving I really hurt her feelings. So by trying not to hurt her, I hurt her anyway. The last thing she said to me was that she’d see me the next night for the poetry thing. I think I nodded as I hurried out the door. I wonder now if I would have reacted the same way if I knew he was coming and she told me about him prior to his arrival.
I marched my way home walking a 40 minute walk in 30 minutes fighting back tears. I felt so small. I felt so naïve. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know I’d react how I did but I also thought it was just going to be some old friends hanging out. The new guy surprised me and the bare truth laid out in front of me tore me down to my core. I finally saw and became 100% certain that her and I was not to be. My hopes, dreams and love no matter how foolish were destroyed. I am a passionate, sensitive, prideful, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and while those things often do me credit, in this instance they did great harm. I wished I could turn off my feelings for her. I asked my heart several times that night why I felt the way I did about her. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I fell in love with her.
The next day my mind was consumed with my pain, my nerves and my poetry reading, so much so that I didn’t write her to apologize for leaving. She didn’t write or text either. I didn’t know or think she was hurt or anything, just surprised. I never meant to ruin her night. I tried to save it. Of course I was blinded by my pain and I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I discovered she wasn’t happy with me when she didn’t show. She didn’t even text or call to say she couldn’t make it. Nearly that whole hour I was at the coffeeshop before the reading started I kept looking out the window, hoping my muse would show. I was waiting to see her coming down the sidewalk or crossing the street, filling my heart with joy. I understood she was with some guy now and that my hopes and dreams were gone but I still really wanted to recite her poem to her. As my inspiration, I owed her that.
After I got home feeling as high as can be with a wonderful 1st reading behind me something in the back of my mind was starting to bother me. So I promptly wrote her to apologize and she replied quickly telling me how she felt. I didn’t support her so she didn’t feel like supporting me. Then my great night went in the crapper as the guilt took over and I felt so awful inside for hurting the one person in the world I least wanted to hurt.
I don’t know where things are between us now. Can we still be friends? I hope so but at the same time I can’t change how I feel. You can’t tell someone not to love someone. On the one hand my unresolved feelings have a resolution I wasn't expecting, on the other I've only loved 2 people in my entire life, including her. Love doesn't come easy for anyone, especially me. Yep, I'm an idiot. I hope she can forgive me. If she wants me to stay away, I'll disappear and never bother her ever again. I don't know what to do about it. It's out there now. There's no more hiding my feelings. There just a love unrequited. The feelings are already beginning to fade. Once upon a time very recently I loved this woman... does she even care? Does that mean anything to someone who doesn't feel the same way?
She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. It sounds cliché and corny but she makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to shoot for the moon and go places I’ve never been. She makes me want to take better care of myself. She makes me want to live life more passionately and courageously. The bottom line is that she makes me very happy and I am so comfortable around her. I definitely want her to be happy but more than anything I just wish it could have been with me. If she had opened her heart to me, I would have loved her like she's never been loved. Without her I feel like an uncompleted poem. I want to finish it. I want to share it. I want to read it to you but without my muse, I don’t have the words.
Chasing Dreams (7-1-10)
I came back from the store with 3 bags full of the next 4 days. As I made my way down a familiar street I asked myself, was I really alive? Was I really pursuing my dreams? If you’ve ever walked along that path you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dreams are truly realized by people who need to create. They make something out of nothing. They make legends out of a basic idea. They walk with their heads held high against the backdrop of a perfectly reachable sky. The stars align and the air whispers words of encouragement as they make their way… towards the destiny they once foresaw as recently as yesterday. Dreams are bigger than our daily desires. Dreams are worth more than you have in your pocket. You can’t put a finger on it because chasing dreams are for the rich in spirit and young at heart. If you are both those things you are on the right track. I know I am those things but I can often lose my way. For as rich in spirit and young at heart I feel sometimes I think my dreams are so big that I can’t figure out where to start. Maybe I dream too big. Maybe I have too many dreams. I’ve made several come true in the course of my life but there are always more. Fulfilling a dream is incredibly satisfying but for me, once I get a taste I need more. Dreams turn into rabbits… they multiply. Perhaps I’ll know my time is up when I stop dreaming. I can’t even fathom such a day but maybe it’s out there.
Am I really pursuing them? The simple answer is I am. But if I were to look more closely I’d wonder if I am going after them as hard as I should. I know, I know. I’m probably overthinking it. How hard can you go after them? In life there are things we have to do to get to the things we want to do. The point is my mind has been all over the place of late. I’ve been thinking back about the things I did, the things I wanted to do and the dreams I’ve had and still have. It always leads me to the same place. It leads me to my life’s work… the search for 5 primary things. I’ve been writing about them for years. If you’ve followed my blogs over time you might remember I often write about them at the end of each year to update my progress. I wrote about them at the end of every year with the exception of the last one. I’m not sure why I didn’t do it but maybe I’m making up for it now. If you take away all the little things, all the trivial and mundane which I dearly love my life boils down to the search for 5 major things: love, worth, self, truth and courage.
“Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.”
Love- My search for love is more than what you’d think. Yes it is primarily about someone to spend my life with, growing and learning about the world and each other through our bond but it also includes a search for love in the world. I’m talking about a love for people, for life, for places, for knowledge and accomplishments. When you walk the earth spreading love, love finds you. When you project love, love responds. I believe that. Sometimes petty things, other people, emotions, negative energy and even bad luck shake my faith in love. Occasionally I have to remind myself to love but it’s never hard to be reminded if I go long enough without it because love is all around and I can’t help but absorb it.
But let’s get back to the search for “her”. My faith in that gets shaken more often. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time and I have so much love to give but I just can’t find someone worthy of that love that reciprocates my feelings back to me. It always seems the ones I want don’t want me and the ones who want me don’t interest me. Basically it’s the equivalent of banging my heart into a wall. I believe in chemistry and connections but if you’ve read my work over the long term you’ll know I don’t subscribe to the theory of “the one”. There are so many people we can be compatible with and could truly love in this world. Even someone like me with my selectiveness and standards could fall for so many different women. Every time I think I have it figured out, life humbles me. Every time I’m ready to give up I meet someone who tickles my fancy and I start all over again. I’m sick of it. I really want to find someone who is an amazing person and who makes me feel great and vice versa. I’m sick of dating. I’m sick of trying so hard. I’m sick of letting people in and getting hurt. I want to find one person who makes me want to devote my life to her and be happily ever after and done with it.
So with a weary heart my search for love continues. For as long as my heart beats I’ll have love to give. I’m waiting for love to give back. I’m dreaming the what seems to be impossible dream. Don Quixote ain’t got nuthin on me!
“Self-worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy.”
Worth- Your worth is what you bring to the party. It’s what you are and the gifts you possess. It’s born into you. I sometimes struggle with this. I know that we are all born with something to contribute it’s just that I’m not always sure of what that is as far as I’m concerned. We are all worthwhile and have value. Sometimes we lose track and forget that we do but it’s always there. I think my feelings of worth fluctuate all the time because I do lose touch and forget. Also I’m the kind of person who needs support and reminders during those times of doubt or forgetfulness. I feel like I don’t have that person or people that I am really close to that will help me out when I’m lost so it takes me longer to find my way back. I need to change that… no man is an island.
“Take the time to come home to yourself every day”
“We must be our own before we can be another's”
Self- With regards to the 5 things I seek, I feel I’ve made the most progress here. When I think back to how I was at various times of my life and I remember how I denied so much of my true personality it makes me smile. It makes me smile because of how silly I was, worried about people’s reactions or opinions of me. I pretended to be other people or what I thought other people wanted me to be and it was ridiculous. I had friends I shouldn’t have had. I tried to hook up with women I knew deep down were not for me. It’s funny how many masks we wear. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to be more comfortable within my skin. I accept my flaws. I accept your flaws. Most times I don’t hold them against you… or me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still work to do. I need to love myself unconditionally. I can have a love/hate relationship with myself. It took a long time to even love myself a little but I reached that place a while back. There’s definitely acceptance of who I am but I can really get down on myself for my mistakes. It’s funny because I don’t care about mistakes when we are speaking externally but internally, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s kind of like I passed self 101 with flying colors but I’m currently in self 102. I’ll get there. The fact that I can love myself some of the time leads me to believe that I can love myself all the time someday.
“Truth is the secret of eloquence and of virtue, the basis of moral authority; it is the highest summit of art and of life”
Truth- I seek out truth like I’m heavily addicted to it. It’s about wisdom. It’s about knowing the answer. It’s about honor and a moral code. It’s about leading a good life and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day. It’s also about learning the truth. If there’s one thing that drives me batty, it’s not knowing. Knowing the truth is so much better than wondering what it is, at least for me. Even if it’s an unpleasant truth I prefer that to having no idea whatsoever. Maybe that’s why I know a little about so much… I don’t want to be left out of the truth parade.
On the other side of the truth coin, I hate deception and dishonesty. I’m not a complete saint or anything like that, I’ll lie on occasion but only about something I deem insignificant and generally only to protect someone’s feelings. For that same reason I will consider stopping short of revealing something. Withholding is not dishonesty when done for noble intentions but it isn’t something we should pat ourselves on the back for either. Sometimes it’s necessary to avoid being mean or cruel, which I feel like is slightly worse than being dishonest.
I see a great deal of honor in truth and I see a great deal of truth in honor. It’s why I live the life I live. The few who know me know that my faith in god or any higher power is shaky at best but they’ll also know that I am spiritual without being religious. I don’t know what’s right for you and whatever it is I say embrace it and be happy but for me, perhaps I take bits and pieces from various theories and religions and have cultivated it into my own code. That’s my truth. I believe in the wind, the sun and the moon. I believe in life giving us signs and I believe in a satisfied mind. Do I believe in fate? Sometimes, but only because I saw the Matrix one too many times.
All I really know is that there is some truth out there. We create it; we discover it and we can embrace it if we want to. I gobble it up like Pac Man and I always want more.
“Your options are limited only by your fears”
Courage- I think Dr. Cornel West has said it best: “Courage is the great enabling virtue that allows one to realize other virtues like love, hope and faith.” You can’t love, hope or believe without courage. What is life without courage? The times when I get most upset with myself are when I am a coward. When I do not stand up for myself, for others or for what’s right I get downright pissed at myself. Maybe it isn’t always fair but that’s how I feel. Courage isn’t easy though. It’s really hard not to go with the grain. It’s hard to shake things up for ideals. We get so comfortable in our lives and I am no exception but sometimes I believe silence and indifference are just as bad as the injustice and evil being ignored or tolerated.
Then there’s daily life. I see a pretty woman. For ten minutes I debate internally whether to talk to her and then before I know it the opportunity vanishes. I let fear have the last word. This also coincides with the relationship between not knowing and truth as I mentioned above. So instead of talking to her where the worst that would happen would be it wouldn’t work, I’ve now left myself wondering what might have been and I’m now angry at myself for letting fear dictate my actions or inactions… wondering and fear – a double whammy. Getting shot down doesn’t seem so bad then, huh? Unfortunately logic can sometimes get drowned out by emotion and fear is a biggie.
In truth, I’ve been more courageous these past few years but I don’t know if it’s from lessons learned and strength developed or from several near death experiences. Maybe those are the same thing. Having 3 experiences where you feel lucky and blessed to have escaped them alive and intact can open your eyes a bit. Hell, one should do the trick. It will give you courage going forward. It will make you wake up and feel lucky and happy that you have and it will make you feel less afraid to face the day and the challenges ahead. I’m saying this as much for my benefit as I am for anyone who reads this but life IS short. Time IS of the essence. Muster the courage to make yourselves happy. Dig deep and find the ability to not let fear get the last word. Search the depths of your being and summon the courage to chase your dreams. That’s what life is all about to me… chasing dreams.
“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly”
I came back from the store with 3 bags full of the next 4 days. As I made my way down a familiar street I asked myself, was I really alive? Was I really pursuing my dreams? If you’ve ever walked along that path you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dreams are truly realized by people who need to create. They make something out of nothing. They make legends out of a basic idea. They walk with their heads held high against the backdrop of a perfectly reachable sky. The stars align and the air whispers words of encouragement as they make their way… towards the destiny they once foresaw as recently as yesterday. Dreams are bigger than our daily desires. Dreams are worth more than you have in your pocket. You can’t put a finger on it because chasing dreams are for the rich in spirit and young at heart. If you are both those things you are on the right track. I know I am those things but I can often lose my way. For as rich in spirit and young at heart I feel sometimes I think my dreams are so big that I can’t figure out where to start. Maybe I dream too big. Maybe I have too many dreams. I’ve made several come true in the course of my life but there are always more. Fulfilling a dream is incredibly satisfying but for me, once I get a taste I need more. Dreams turn into rabbits… they multiply. Perhaps I’ll know my time is up when I stop dreaming. I can’t even fathom such a day but maybe it’s out there.
Am I really pursuing them? The simple answer is I am. But if I were to look more closely I’d wonder if I am going after them as hard as I should. I know, I know. I’m probably overthinking it. How hard can you go after them? In life there are things we have to do to get to the things we want to do. The point is my mind has been all over the place of late. I’ve been thinking back about the things I did, the things I wanted to do and the dreams I’ve had and still have. It always leads me to the same place. It leads me to my life’s work… the search for 5 primary things. I’ve been writing about them for years. If you’ve followed my blogs over time you might remember I often write about them at the end of each year to update my progress. I wrote about them at the end of every year with the exception of the last one. I’m not sure why I didn’t do it but maybe I’m making up for it now. If you take away all the little things, all the trivial and mundane which I dearly love my life boils down to the search for 5 major things: love, worth, self, truth and courage.
“Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.”
Love- My search for love is more than what you’d think. Yes it is primarily about someone to spend my life with, growing and learning about the world and each other through our bond but it also includes a search for love in the world. I’m talking about a love for people, for life, for places, for knowledge and accomplishments. When you walk the earth spreading love, love finds you. When you project love, love responds. I believe that. Sometimes petty things, other people, emotions, negative energy and even bad luck shake my faith in love. Occasionally I have to remind myself to love but it’s never hard to be reminded if I go long enough without it because love is all around and I can’t help but absorb it.
But let’s get back to the search for “her”. My faith in that gets shaken more often. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time and I have so much love to give but I just can’t find someone worthy of that love that reciprocates my feelings back to me. It always seems the ones I want don’t want me and the ones who want me don’t interest me. Basically it’s the equivalent of banging my heart into a wall. I believe in chemistry and connections but if you’ve read my work over the long term you’ll know I don’t subscribe to the theory of “the one”. There are so many people we can be compatible with and could truly love in this world. Even someone like me with my selectiveness and standards could fall for so many different women. Every time I think I have it figured out, life humbles me. Every time I’m ready to give up I meet someone who tickles my fancy and I start all over again. I’m sick of it. I really want to find someone who is an amazing person and who makes me feel great and vice versa. I’m sick of dating. I’m sick of trying so hard. I’m sick of letting people in and getting hurt. I want to find one person who makes me want to devote my life to her and be happily ever after and done with it.
So with a weary heart my search for love continues. For as long as my heart beats I’ll have love to give. I’m waiting for love to give back. I’m dreaming the what seems to be impossible dream. Don Quixote ain’t got nuthin on me!
“Self-worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy.”
Worth- Your worth is what you bring to the party. It’s what you are and the gifts you possess. It’s born into you. I sometimes struggle with this. I know that we are all born with something to contribute it’s just that I’m not always sure of what that is as far as I’m concerned. We are all worthwhile and have value. Sometimes we lose track and forget that we do but it’s always there. I think my feelings of worth fluctuate all the time because I do lose touch and forget. Also I’m the kind of person who needs support and reminders during those times of doubt or forgetfulness. I feel like I don’t have that person or people that I am really close to that will help me out when I’m lost so it takes me longer to find my way back. I need to change that… no man is an island.
“Take the time to come home to yourself every day”
“We must be our own before we can be another's”
Self- With regards to the 5 things I seek, I feel I’ve made the most progress here. When I think back to how I was at various times of my life and I remember how I denied so much of my true personality it makes me smile. It makes me smile because of how silly I was, worried about people’s reactions or opinions of me. I pretended to be other people or what I thought other people wanted me to be and it was ridiculous. I had friends I shouldn’t have had. I tried to hook up with women I knew deep down were not for me. It’s funny how many masks we wear. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to be more comfortable within my skin. I accept my flaws. I accept your flaws. Most times I don’t hold them against you… or me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still work to do. I need to love myself unconditionally. I can have a love/hate relationship with myself. It took a long time to even love myself a little but I reached that place a while back. There’s definitely acceptance of who I am but I can really get down on myself for my mistakes. It’s funny because I don’t care about mistakes when we are speaking externally but internally, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s kind of like I passed self 101 with flying colors but I’m currently in self 102. I’ll get there. The fact that I can love myself some of the time leads me to believe that I can love myself all the time someday.
“Truth is the secret of eloquence and of virtue, the basis of moral authority; it is the highest summit of art and of life”
Truth- I seek out truth like I’m heavily addicted to it. It’s about wisdom. It’s about knowing the answer. It’s about honor and a moral code. It’s about leading a good life and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day. It’s also about learning the truth. If there’s one thing that drives me batty, it’s not knowing. Knowing the truth is so much better than wondering what it is, at least for me. Even if it’s an unpleasant truth I prefer that to having no idea whatsoever. Maybe that’s why I know a little about so much… I don’t want to be left out of the truth parade.
On the other side of the truth coin, I hate deception and dishonesty. I’m not a complete saint or anything like that, I’ll lie on occasion but only about something I deem insignificant and generally only to protect someone’s feelings. For that same reason I will consider stopping short of revealing something. Withholding is not dishonesty when done for noble intentions but it isn’t something we should pat ourselves on the back for either. Sometimes it’s necessary to avoid being mean or cruel, which I feel like is slightly worse than being dishonest.
I see a great deal of honor in truth and I see a great deal of truth in honor. It’s why I live the life I live. The few who know me know that my faith in god or any higher power is shaky at best but they’ll also know that I am spiritual without being religious. I don’t know what’s right for you and whatever it is I say embrace it and be happy but for me, perhaps I take bits and pieces from various theories and religions and have cultivated it into my own code. That’s my truth. I believe in the wind, the sun and the moon. I believe in life giving us signs and I believe in a satisfied mind. Do I believe in fate? Sometimes, but only because I saw the Matrix one too many times.
All I really know is that there is some truth out there. We create it; we discover it and we can embrace it if we want to. I gobble it up like Pac Man and I always want more.
“Your options are limited only by your fears”
Courage- I think Dr. Cornel West has said it best: “Courage is the great enabling virtue that allows one to realize other virtues like love, hope and faith.” You can’t love, hope or believe without courage. What is life without courage? The times when I get most upset with myself are when I am a coward. When I do not stand up for myself, for others or for what’s right I get downright pissed at myself. Maybe it isn’t always fair but that’s how I feel. Courage isn’t easy though. It’s really hard not to go with the grain. It’s hard to shake things up for ideals. We get so comfortable in our lives and I am no exception but sometimes I believe silence and indifference are just as bad as the injustice and evil being ignored or tolerated.
Then there’s daily life. I see a pretty woman. For ten minutes I debate internally whether to talk to her and then before I know it the opportunity vanishes. I let fear have the last word. This also coincides with the relationship between not knowing and truth as I mentioned above. So instead of talking to her where the worst that would happen would be it wouldn’t work, I’ve now left myself wondering what might have been and I’m now angry at myself for letting fear dictate my actions or inactions… wondering and fear – a double whammy. Getting shot down doesn’t seem so bad then, huh? Unfortunately logic can sometimes get drowned out by emotion and fear is a biggie.
In truth, I’ve been more courageous these past few years but I don’t know if it’s from lessons learned and strength developed or from several near death experiences. Maybe those are the same thing. Having 3 experiences where you feel lucky and blessed to have escaped them alive and intact can open your eyes a bit. Hell, one should do the trick. It will give you courage going forward. It will make you wake up and feel lucky and happy that you have and it will make you feel less afraid to face the day and the challenges ahead. I’m saying this as much for my benefit as I am for anyone who reads this but life IS short. Time IS of the essence. Muster the courage to make yourselves happy. Dig deep and find the ability to not let fear get the last word. Search the depths of your being and summon the courage to chase your dreams. That’s what life is all about to me… chasing dreams.
“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly”
Forever is only a year or two
I’ve noticed a whole lot of infidelity in the news of late. I don’t know what that says about us as gossip guys and gossip girls but it’s everywhere right now. If you put on the television they are talking about Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards and plenty of other philanderers. If you are in line at the supermarket or drug store you’ll see the faces of those involved plastered all over the magazines and “news” weeklies. Publically, people say what these men are doing is wrong and they should be condemned for it. In private hoards of guys are in awe at how much tail these celebrities have bagged and envy their lifestyle. I heard a few guys talking about Tiger the other day and both were sympathetic to HIM! They thought he was getting a raw deal. He had how many mistresses? I think the number was 15 at last count. Now I don’t really care what these celebrities do with their lives but when they are role models to kids and are all over my television trying to sell me things, I’d prefer if they weren’t complete douchebags. What’s more annoying than the sparkling smile of a heartless jerk?
Speaking of annoying, at first I was annoyed with the media’s craving for bad celebrity behavior in lieu of real news but now I’m really annoyed with what seems to me as the increasing glorifying of infidelity. I know it’s not reported as such but what I think is happening is a lot of people are seeing this stuff all over the news and are not disgusted by this behavior anymore. Moreover, I think a growing percentage are approving of it. I’ve heard and read people talking about how they wished they could be Tiger or many of these other guys. It’s amazing how desensitized we’ve become to what used to be utterly deplorable behavior. My how times have changed.
I realize cheating has been going on since before the toga times but I’m afraid that before too long it’s going to be thought of as a “cool” thing to do, if it’s not already. I’m not against being with lots of people, but for Pete’s sake, don’t get married and do that. Don’t get seriously involved and then do someone wrong like that. If you are single and want to juggle a dozen relationships, more power to you. I could never do that but if you can and want to, enjoy yourself. I don’t feel like anyone should be involved with more than one person at a time, but that’s just me. I hate to say it, but I am old fashioned that way.
Speaking of which, do you remember watching television when we were younger and they always made a big deal out of “going steady”? A guy would give a girl a pin, his jacket, or some little trinket to let her know she was his only girl. Do you remember when people looked at getting married as more of the sacred institution it was meant to be? It astonishes me how frivolously people jump into marriages these days. I know people who’ve gotten married within mere months of dating. I know even more people who’ve gotten engaged within a few months of dating. Now I’m not saying it’s wrong because I’m not in your shoes but to someone analytical like I am, I can’t believe it or understand it. How can you know someone that well after a dozen weeks? The statistics back me up as there are now more divorces than ever. As of now, nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce and more than that, marriages on the whole have declined over the years. So basically less people are getting married, and more people are divorcing.
Why has this occurred? I think it’s a byproduct of our lifestyle. Go to the supermarket and see how many different breads you can get. Do you remember when your choices were 4 or 5 types of bread? Now you can get 30 different kinds! We have a ton of choices out there when we are making the most minor decisions. The fact is we have a ton of choices in many aspects of our lives and I think that freedom impacts our thinking in other areas. I mean, we live in buffet times. We have so many options that some people want to try them all, or as many as they can. If they don't they feel like they may be missing out on something. This can develop greed, selfishness and overindulging. People like me who often finds one thing I really like and stick with it are deemed boring. Perhaps people feel the same way about their choices for sex, mates or relationships. They want it all. That's wonderful for you but please don't deceive or prey on those who want it the other way. Some people's meaningless "fun" ruins other people's serious lives.
Marriage seems as unimportant now as it has ever been. I’m not the religious sort who has some biblical definition of marriage, nor am I a social conservative who doesn’t want gays and lesbians to marry but one thing I agree with them on is that I hold marriage to be a beautiful, special and sacred thing. That’s what I feel. I think it’s the highest compliment you can give to another person. It’s an investment and you are going all in. It’s telling someone that you want to give the rest of your life to them. It’s unselfish, heartfelt and the ultimate promise. To me, it’s life as art. I think of a great marriage like I would a piece of great art. I look upon it the same admiration and respect. With all these divorces and the infidelity it’s like someone is running through the art museum drawing evil mustaches on all the artwork. Now it seems, forever is only a year or two.
Perhaps this bothers me too much. I’ve certainly been called an idealist on more than one occasion. Maybe I’ve seen too many old movies this year. Perhaps I am a dying breed. I just want I do to mean everything I do should mean instead of I think so, or I do until something better comes along or I’ll give it a try. As one of my great mentors once famously said, do or do not… there is no try. See, the 900 year old little green alien with the pointy ears gets it.
I’ve noticed a whole lot of infidelity in the news of late. I don’t know what that says about us as gossip guys and gossip girls but it’s everywhere right now. If you put on the television they are talking about Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards and plenty of other philanderers. If you are in line at the supermarket or drug store you’ll see the faces of those involved plastered all over the magazines and “news” weeklies. Publically, people say what these men are doing is wrong and they should be condemned for it. In private hoards of guys are in awe at how much tail these celebrities have bagged and envy their lifestyle. I heard a few guys talking about Tiger the other day and both were sympathetic to HIM! They thought he was getting a raw deal. He had how many mistresses? I think the number was 15 at last count. Now I don’t really care what these celebrities do with their lives but when they are role models to kids and are all over my television trying to sell me things, I’d prefer if they weren’t complete douchebags. What’s more annoying than the sparkling smile of a heartless jerk?
Speaking of annoying, at first I was annoyed with the media’s craving for bad celebrity behavior in lieu of real news but now I’m really annoyed with what seems to me as the increasing glorifying of infidelity. I know it’s not reported as such but what I think is happening is a lot of people are seeing this stuff all over the news and are not disgusted by this behavior anymore. Moreover, I think a growing percentage are approving of it. I’ve heard and read people talking about how they wished they could be Tiger or many of these other guys. It’s amazing how desensitized we’ve become to what used to be utterly deplorable behavior. My how times have changed.
I realize cheating has been going on since before the toga times but I’m afraid that before too long it’s going to be thought of as a “cool” thing to do, if it’s not already. I’m not against being with lots of people, but for Pete’s sake, don’t get married and do that. Don’t get seriously involved and then do someone wrong like that. If you are single and want to juggle a dozen relationships, more power to you. I could never do that but if you can and want to, enjoy yourself. I don’t feel like anyone should be involved with more than one person at a time, but that’s just me. I hate to say it, but I am old fashioned that way.
Speaking of which, do you remember watching television when we were younger and they always made a big deal out of “going steady”? A guy would give a girl a pin, his jacket, or some little trinket to let her know she was his only girl. Do you remember when people looked at getting married as more of the sacred institution it was meant to be? It astonishes me how frivolously people jump into marriages these days. I know people who’ve gotten married within mere months of dating. I know even more people who’ve gotten engaged within a few months of dating. Now I’m not saying it’s wrong because I’m not in your shoes but to someone analytical like I am, I can’t believe it or understand it. How can you know someone that well after a dozen weeks? The statistics back me up as there are now more divorces than ever. As of now, nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce and more than that, marriages on the whole have declined over the years. So basically less people are getting married, and more people are divorcing.
Why has this occurred? I think it’s a byproduct of our lifestyle. Go to the supermarket and see how many different breads you can get. Do you remember when your choices were 4 or 5 types of bread? Now you can get 30 different kinds! We have a ton of choices out there when we are making the most minor decisions. The fact is we have a ton of choices in many aspects of our lives and I think that freedom impacts our thinking in other areas. I mean, we live in buffet times. We have so many options that some people want to try them all, or as many as they can. If they don't they feel like they may be missing out on something. This can develop greed, selfishness and overindulging. People like me who often finds one thing I really like and stick with it are deemed boring. Perhaps people feel the same way about their choices for sex, mates or relationships. They want it all. That's wonderful for you but please don't deceive or prey on those who want it the other way. Some people's meaningless "fun" ruins other people's serious lives.
Marriage seems as unimportant now as it has ever been. I’m not the religious sort who has some biblical definition of marriage, nor am I a social conservative who doesn’t want gays and lesbians to marry but one thing I agree with them on is that I hold marriage to be a beautiful, special and sacred thing. That’s what I feel. I think it’s the highest compliment you can give to another person. It’s an investment and you are going all in. It’s telling someone that you want to give the rest of your life to them. It’s unselfish, heartfelt and the ultimate promise. To me, it’s life as art. I think of a great marriage like I would a piece of great art. I look upon it the same admiration and respect. With all these divorces and the infidelity it’s like someone is running through the art museum drawing evil mustaches on all the artwork. Now it seems, forever is only a year or two.
Perhaps this bothers me too much. I’ve certainly been called an idealist on more than one occasion. Maybe I’ve seen too many old movies this year. Perhaps I am a dying breed. I just want I do to mean everything I do should mean instead of I think so, or I do until something better comes along or I’ll give it a try. As one of my great mentors once famously said, do or do not… there is no try. See, the 900 year old little green alien with the pointy ears gets it.
The Time Travelers Life
“You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one”
-John Lennon
When you are a kid you don’t have much. We don’t know much and not much is expected of us, although don’t ask a kid that, they might disagree since they know everything. It’s true though. As kids we aren’t expected to pay bills, go to work or raise a family. Yes we had some responsibility but it was cake. We basically had school and chores. Compare that to the grown up world and it’s a vacation. Because we had so much time on our hands when we were kids we had to find things to occupy that time. In my case it was a lot of cartoons, sports, toys and maybe the occasional book.
When those things didn’t fit the bill, I spent a lot of time daydreaming and using my imagination. Sometimes I’d incorporate my imagination into the sports and toys. I remember going over to School 36 in Days Park many days after school. Someone painted a baseball strike zone box on the brick wall facing the park. I never knew who did it but I was really thankful. Occasionally I would go over there with my mitt and a tennis ball (a baseball might have damaged the wall) and I would pitch a game. I’d pretend there were batters coming up and I’d keep track of how many outs there were and what the count was. I’d pretend that if I threw a lousy pitch the invisible team would get a hit and it seemed like I was always pitching for a team that had a one run lead so it was imperative to throw good pitches. Most times I won but occasionally I’d pretend I’d lose a close game, especially if I was thinking about pitching another game right away. Then I could redeem myself and help my imaginary team to ultimate victory.
I’d use my imagination with my G.I. Joe and Star Wars action figures too. I’d grab a large box and cut it up taking a long flat side from the box or sometimes a few of them taped or bound together, lay it face down and pretend it was the interior of a space ship for the action figures. I’d find some wood or even better some Styrofoam and carve it into furniture and parts of the ship. I’d make a deck complete with stations for the crew, a sick bay, personal quarters, a rec room and usually a landing dock too. I’d pretend the crew was on a mission like something out of Star Trek, or Aliens. “Aliens” was a popular mission… a bunch of space marines going to a foreign planet to encounter something unexpected. I’d use He Man figures as ferocious monsters because they were noticeably bigger than the G.I. Joes.
When sports or toys weren’t on the menu or if I needed a break, I’d plant myself somewhere comfortable and daydream. It’s something I do to this day and it’s something I find very healthy. I think everyone should do it. Sometimes you can get away from stress, boredom and the trials of daily life simply by pretending you are elsewhere. I’d often play little games in my mind. I’d wonder what it would be like if I were Teen Wolf, Ferris Bueller or part of the Breakfast Club. What would I do different? I’d dream about being a sports hero or a singer songwriter. I’d dream about being a photographer for Sports Illustrated when they were shooting their swimsuit issue. I’d dream about winning the lottery and what I would buy and who I would help. I’d dream about so many things but one of my all time favorites that I still dream about is having a superpower.
Have you ever played that game or had that conversation? You ask, “If you could have one superpower what would it be?” Growing up I’d always change my mind. One week I wanted to be able to fly, the next I wanted invisibility. Seeing movies and reading comics would always give me more ideas. For a long time I wanted the Force, like in Star Wars. For a brief period I even wanted the Schwartz. When I was younger I could never really decide. There’s so many cool superpowers out there, how could I?
I’ll still think about it once in a while but when I do the last few years I’ve always wanted the same power: the ability to time travel. I know that sounds a tad on the selfish side but maybe that’s a byproduct of being single for as long as I have. If I had a wife or my own family perhaps I’d desire a different imaginary superpower. With the ability to time travel I think about all the wonderful things I could see. Right off the bat, if I had that ability I’d go ahead a few days and get the Powerball or Mega Millions numbers and play them. Then I’d donate most of the cash to charities because I could always get more cash later.
Imagine the possibilities with time travel. I know what some of you might be thinking, why not go into the past and stop horrific things from happening. I could stop assassinations and wars and tragedies. There are no limits to the types of things I could do but I have to be honest and however silly I have given this a lot of thought over the years. I’m not interested so much with what I could do with the superpower but more what I could see.
There are no rules for time travel because no one can do it but I feel like there’s an unwritten code or prime directive if you will about altering events in the past. I don’t have much of a conscience about tweaking the future because it hasn’t happened yet but taking something off course no matter how good intended a time traveler would be could have disastrous results. Do you remember Back to the Future? Michael J. Fox accidentally going back in time caused so much trouble he almost wiped out his family and town’s existence. Plus his tinkering with past events caused the need for not one but 2 subpar sequels! He barely did anything and he “fixed” it but even that still had ramifications. No wonder Doc Brown was all over him about not altering a single detail.
I guess I’m saying that things that happened needed to happen to get where we are. So with that in mind I would use my superpower to see things in the past, not change them. Most of my travels would be related to the arts and travel. Could you imagine being in New York City in 1976 and seeing Blondie at a dive bar? I’d go to Minnesota around 1980 and see Prince. I’d go to the Whiskey in the 60’s to see the Doors. I’d go see the Beatles at Shea Stadium. I would go to Woodstock and see all those bands and stoned naked hippies. I’d go and see old Super Bowls, old Olympic games (could you imagine being in Berlin to see Jesse Owens stick it to the Nazis in 1936?) and I’d revisit a ton of local history. I’m a huge fan of my hometown and I would absolutely love to see it in its heyday.
Before we go any further there are several important questions to be answered about my time traveling superpowers. Would I let anyone know of my power? How would I handle the logistics of the time traveling? What would I affect in my own past? What would I affect in the future?
Going a few days into the future so I can learn of the winning lottery numbers for a mega jackpot is key. It’s key because once I’m rich I don’t have to work any longer so I’d have the whole day to explore things in other times. While most would be out working, I’d be out of time. Secondly I could buy a house so I can time travel in peace and privacy. It would be my hub. No one would know I was gone for large chunks of time. Thirdly, to go back to certain times would require certain clothing, perhaps specific coins or paper money so I could blend in and not look like Marty McFly in Back to the Future where the whole town thought he was in the Coast Guard or something like that because his 80’s vest looked like a life preserver to them. My goal would be to blend in and take in the beauty and sights, not to be a spectacle or draw attention to myself. Like I said, I would give lots of cash to charities but also having tons of cash will unable my time traveling to be easier. I’d be able to buy period clothes, get authentic currency and make certain my trip would go smoothly. Even if it’s a superpower, it’s not cheap!
Would I let anyone know? I would say no, but down the road when I’ve mastered the ability, who knows. If it got out on a massive level then there would be expectations and discussions. Could you imagine? People would want me to go back and kill Hitler, stop 9/11, maybe even save Jesus, who knows? There would be debate about my actions or lack thereof. Think about it, it would be hell to have a superpower in this day and age with public knowledge. The media are everywhere, hatred still runs rampant when someone disagrees and I might even have to worry about my life because of people who would think I was the devil or in league with him. As Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker, “with great power comes great responsibility”. So the more I thought about it, the less likely I feel like I’d let anyone know I lived the Time Traveler’s Life.
I already mentioned how I feel about changing anything in the past. I would only want to go and see historic events or things that were just plain cool. I’d want to blend, not stick out. I’d be taking a great risk as it is just by going to different places. Something as simple as me littering in the past could greatly impact the future so I’d have to be careful with all my actions and even my words. I know the temptation would be there to alter my own past. I could get better grades, make the right choices, eliminate mistakes, hook up with someone I missed a chance with and even prevent bad things from happening to me but I wouldn’t do that. Changing one decision I made in the past could make things better but also it could make things remarkably worse. I’m reminded of a simple cliché, what’s done is done. I would only be a ghost of the past, nothing more.
What about the future? What would I disrupt? What would I force forward? This is very interesting. If I went ahead 30 years and brought back things would that be wrong? How I feel about affecting the past is not how I feel about changing the future. Why? Because there is no future. How do we know what will happen and when? If I went into the future and found the cure for cancer and brought it back and gave it to someone, how are we to know that the person I gave it to didn’t discover the cure anyway? Maybe I was supposed to give it to them… maybe that’s how “we” discover it. How could we know? You simply cannot know what will happen in the future, especially the further you go down the line.
Would I stop great catastrophes from happening from knowledge I’d get from the future? I think I’d do my best. If I knew something big was going to happen I would try to warn people as anonymously as I could. It would be tough because maintaining my secret would be key. Besides if I wandered around predicting the future people would think I was a crackpot or worse. Some might think I was a criminal or associated with criminals if I tipped authorities about future tragedies. They’d say, “How did you know about that? You must have been involved somehow”. I would have to carry that weight… the weight of knowing that I couldn’t prevent everything bad from happening.
Damn, the more I think about it, having a superpower would be hard work. But if and when the day comes… I’ll be ready.
“You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one”
-John Lennon
When you are a kid you don’t have much. We don’t know much and not much is expected of us, although don’t ask a kid that, they might disagree since they know everything. It’s true though. As kids we aren’t expected to pay bills, go to work or raise a family. Yes we had some responsibility but it was cake. We basically had school and chores. Compare that to the grown up world and it’s a vacation. Because we had so much time on our hands when we were kids we had to find things to occupy that time. In my case it was a lot of cartoons, sports, toys and maybe the occasional book.
When those things didn’t fit the bill, I spent a lot of time daydreaming and using my imagination. Sometimes I’d incorporate my imagination into the sports and toys. I remember going over to School 36 in Days Park many days after school. Someone painted a baseball strike zone box on the brick wall facing the park. I never knew who did it but I was really thankful. Occasionally I would go over there with my mitt and a tennis ball (a baseball might have damaged the wall) and I would pitch a game. I’d pretend there were batters coming up and I’d keep track of how many outs there were and what the count was. I’d pretend that if I threw a lousy pitch the invisible team would get a hit and it seemed like I was always pitching for a team that had a one run lead so it was imperative to throw good pitches. Most times I won but occasionally I’d pretend I’d lose a close game, especially if I was thinking about pitching another game right away. Then I could redeem myself and help my imaginary team to ultimate victory.
I’d use my imagination with my G.I. Joe and Star Wars action figures too. I’d grab a large box and cut it up taking a long flat side from the box or sometimes a few of them taped or bound together, lay it face down and pretend it was the interior of a space ship for the action figures. I’d find some wood or even better some Styrofoam and carve it into furniture and parts of the ship. I’d make a deck complete with stations for the crew, a sick bay, personal quarters, a rec room and usually a landing dock too. I’d pretend the crew was on a mission like something out of Star Trek, or Aliens. “Aliens” was a popular mission… a bunch of space marines going to a foreign planet to encounter something unexpected. I’d use He Man figures as ferocious monsters because they were noticeably bigger than the G.I. Joes.
When sports or toys weren’t on the menu or if I needed a break, I’d plant myself somewhere comfortable and daydream. It’s something I do to this day and it’s something I find very healthy. I think everyone should do it. Sometimes you can get away from stress, boredom and the trials of daily life simply by pretending you are elsewhere. I’d often play little games in my mind. I’d wonder what it would be like if I were Teen Wolf, Ferris Bueller or part of the Breakfast Club. What would I do different? I’d dream about being a sports hero or a singer songwriter. I’d dream about being a photographer for Sports Illustrated when they were shooting their swimsuit issue. I’d dream about winning the lottery and what I would buy and who I would help. I’d dream about so many things but one of my all time favorites that I still dream about is having a superpower.
Have you ever played that game or had that conversation? You ask, “If you could have one superpower what would it be?” Growing up I’d always change my mind. One week I wanted to be able to fly, the next I wanted invisibility. Seeing movies and reading comics would always give me more ideas. For a long time I wanted the Force, like in Star Wars. For a brief period I even wanted the Schwartz. When I was younger I could never really decide. There’s so many cool superpowers out there, how could I?
I’ll still think about it once in a while but when I do the last few years I’ve always wanted the same power: the ability to time travel. I know that sounds a tad on the selfish side but maybe that’s a byproduct of being single for as long as I have. If I had a wife or my own family perhaps I’d desire a different imaginary superpower. With the ability to time travel I think about all the wonderful things I could see. Right off the bat, if I had that ability I’d go ahead a few days and get the Powerball or Mega Millions numbers and play them. Then I’d donate most of the cash to charities because I could always get more cash later.
Imagine the possibilities with time travel. I know what some of you might be thinking, why not go into the past and stop horrific things from happening. I could stop assassinations and wars and tragedies. There are no limits to the types of things I could do but I have to be honest and however silly I have given this a lot of thought over the years. I’m not interested so much with what I could do with the superpower but more what I could see.
There are no rules for time travel because no one can do it but I feel like there’s an unwritten code or prime directive if you will about altering events in the past. I don’t have much of a conscience about tweaking the future because it hasn’t happened yet but taking something off course no matter how good intended a time traveler would be could have disastrous results. Do you remember Back to the Future? Michael J. Fox accidentally going back in time caused so much trouble he almost wiped out his family and town’s existence. Plus his tinkering with past events caused the need for not one but 2 subpar sequels! He barely did anything and he “fixed” it but even that still had ramifications. No wonder Doc Brown was all over him about not altering a single detail.
I guess I’m saying that things that happened needed to happen to get where we are. So with that in mind I would use my superpower to see things in the past, not change them. Most of my travels would be related to the arts and travel. Could you imagine being in New York City in 1976 and seeing Blondie at a dive bar? I’d go to Minnesota around 1980 and see Prince. I’d go to the Whiskey in the 60’s to see the Doors. I’d go see the Beatles at Shea Stadium. I would go to Woodstock and see all those bands and stoned naked hippies. I’d go and see old Super Bowls, old Olympic games (could you imagine being in Berlin to see Jesse Owens stick it to the Nazis in 1936?) and I’d revisit a ton of local history. I’m a huge fan of my hometown and I would absolutely love to see it in its heyday.
Before we go any further there are several important questions to be answered about my time traveling superpowers. Would I let anyone know of my power? How would I handle the logistics of the time traveling? What would I affect in my own past? What would I affect in the future?
Going a few days into the future so I can learn of the winning lottery numbers for a mega jackpot is key. It’s key because once I’m rich I don’t have to work any longer so I’d have the whole day to explore things in other times. While most would be out working, I’d be out of time. Secondly I could buy a house so I can time travel in peace and privacy. It would be my hub. No one would know I was gone for large chunks of time. Thirdly, to go back to certain times would require certain clothing, perhaps specific coins or paper money so I could blend in and not look like Marty McFly in Back to the Future where the whole town thought he was in the Coast Guard or something like that because his 80’s vest looked like a life preserver to them. My goal would be to blend in and take in the beauty and sights, not to be a spectacle or draw attention to myself. Like I said, I would give lots of cash to charities but also having tons of cash will unable my time traveling to be easier. I’d be able to buy period clothes, get authentic currency and make certain my trip would go smoothly. Even if it’s a superpower, it’s not cheap!
Would I let anyone know? I would say no, but down the road when I’ve mastered the ability, who knows. If it got out on a massive level then there would be expectations and discussions. Could you imagine? People would want me to go back and kill Hitler, stop 9/11, maybe even save Jesus, who knows? There would be debate about my actions or lack thereof. Think about it, it would be hell to have a superpower in this day and age with public knowledge. The media are everywhere, hatred still runs rampant when someone disagrees and I might even have to worry about my life because of people who would think I was the devil or in league with him. As Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker, “with great power comes great responsibility”. So the more I thought about it, the less likely I feel like I’d let anyone know I lived the Time Traveler’s Life.
I already mentioned how I feel about changing anything in the past. I would only want to go and see historic events or things that were just plain cool. I’d want to blend, not stick out. I’d be taking a great risk as it is just by going to different places. Something as simple as me littering in the past could greatly impact the future so I’d have to be careful with all my actions and even my words. I know the temptation would be there to alter my own past. I could get better grades, make the right choices, eliminate mistakes, hook up with someone I missed a chance with and even prevent bad things from happening to me but I wouldn’t do that. Changing one decision I made in the past could make things better but also it could make things remarkably worse. I’m reminded of a simple cliché, what’s done is done. I would only be a ghost of the past, nothing more.
What about the future? What would I disrupt? What would I force forward? This is very interesting. If I went ahead 30 years and brought back things would that be wrong? How I feel about affecting the past is not how I feel about changing the future. Why? Because there is no future. How do we know what will happen and when? If I went into the future and found the cure for cancer and brought it back and gave it to someone, how are we to know that the person I gave it to didn’t discover the cure anyway? Maybe I was supposed to give it to them… maybe that’s how “we” discover it. How could we know? You simply cannot know what will happen in the future, especially the further you go down the line.
Would I stop great catastrophes from happening from knowledge I’d get from the future? I think I’d do my best. If I knew something big was going to happen I would try to warn people as anonymously as I could. It would be tough because maintaining my secret would be key. Besides if I wandered around predicting the future people would think I was a crackpot or worse. Some might think I was a criminal or associated with criminals if I tipped authorities about future tragedies. They’d say, “How did you know about that? You must have been involved somehow”. I would have to carry that weight… the weight of knowing that I couldn’t prevent everything bad from happening.
Damn, the more I think about it, having a superpower would be hard work. But if and when the day comes… I’ll be ready.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
When I see great acts of kindness it inspires me. When the act is close to home, it really inspires me. I guess the closer the kindness the stronger the effect. They showed Extreme Home Makeover tonight in my city and I never felt so inspired to get out and do something to help other people. I've seen that show a few times and it is a tearjerker and all but when you see them on a street you used to live on helping someone it really pulls on the heart.
