Dear fuckers,

Good evening to you, those delightful few who read my blog. May your scratch tickets be winners, your beers icy cold & your cocktails garnished with the all dazzling trimmings your eyes so rightly deserve.

In todays pointless rant, Lawn, Spring Heeled Jack, Spoons, In two minds, Hexy, Gone to the dogs, Killer Hornets & a dazzling musical spectacular, courtesy of the 2012 Eurovision song contest. So prepare, (as you must when reading my blogs) to lower your standards.

LAWN, when was the last time you smelt it freshly cut? (This question is rhetorical & will not be on next week’s test paper)

SPRING HEELED JACK was sighted in London in March this year. This guy tears women’s clothes apart & breathes fire in your face for fun. When cornered he bounds over buildings or dissolves in the darkness. He hasn’t been spotted since 1908. I think the people of London can sleep safely, reality factor...zero?
http://www.epsomguardian.co.uk/news/9600213.Taxi_driver_breaks_silence_over__dark_figure_/

SPOONS, no matter how far away you put them in the sink, they migrate to just under where the water spout is so that when you turn on the tap you get soaked. They lie in wait until nightfall when you wake up from a fish sponge induced dream to get a glass of water, I’m on to you spoons!

I’M IN TWO MINDS, I want to live in the inner city but I also want to live in a house near the mountains & have a dog called Bexley. Me and Bex will be the best of friends. Life will be a bit lonely as I’m not in the city & not near potential friends. However a dog is a better friend than a human. I can live in the city, not have a great little friend I can affectionately call Bexley Speed & still be lonely because I’m so damn socially awkward & eccentric that people generally beat a path away from me. This is the case in Melbourne as I haven’t lived there for 17 years like I have in Newtown. So people haven’t warmed to my take on existence.

Dear fuckers,

Good evening to you, those delightful few who read my blog. May your scratch tickets be winners, your beers icy cold & your cocktails garnished with the all dazzling trimmings your eyes so rightly deserve.

In todays pointless rant, Lawn, Spring Heeled Jack, Spoons, In two minds, Hexy, Gone to the dogs, Killer Hornets & a dazzling musical spectacular, courtesy of the 2012 Eurovision song contest. So prepare, (as you must when reading my blogs) to lower your standards.

LAWN, when was the last time you smelt it freshly cut? (This question is rhetorical & will not be on next week’s test paper)

SPRING HEELED JACK was sighted in London in March this year. This guy tears women’s clothes apart & breathes fire in your face for fun. When cornered he bounds over buildings or dissolves in the darkness. He hasn’t been spotted since 1908. I think the people of London can sleep safely, reality factor...zero?
http://www.epsomguardian.co.uk/news/9600213.Taxi_driver_breaks_silence_over__dark_figure_/

SPOONS, no matter how far away you put them in the sink, they migrate to just under where the water spout is so that when you turn on the tap you get soaked. They lie in wait until nightfall when you wake up from a fish sponge induced dream to get a glass of water, I’m on to you spoons!

I’M IN TWO MINDS, I want to live in the inner city but I also want to live in a house near the mountains & have a dog called Bexley. Me and Bex will be the best of friends. Life will be a bit lonely as I’m not in the city & not near potential friends. However a dog is a better friend than a human. I can live in the city, not have a great little friend I can affectionately call Bexley Speed & still be lonely because I’m so damn socially awkward & eccentric that people generally beat a path away from me. This is the case in Melbourne as I haven’t lived there for 17 years like I have in Newtown. So people haven’t warmed to my take on existence. There are no friends to vouch for me, I’m not playing any gigs. I’m just treading in a sea of socially frigid waters. Just a strange fucker in a new town. Please give me your thoughts. knives2meatyou can reply in video form with a nightmare inducing meal.

A special hoy to HexcodeRose who’s always got something lovely & positive to say to me, God bless you & your cotton socks

GONE TO THE DOGS, this just doesn’t sound that bad. I can imagine a society of dogs. Yes they’d be the occasional fight, but without humans goading dogs to their deaths in the crazed pits of nefarious gambling dens, it would actually be peaceful. Handshakes would of course be replaced by a nose up the brown badger and that weird nose to ass ying yang thing they do.

KILLER HORNETS! Think hornets are bad in your neck of the woods? Spare a thought for the Japanese, they have a three inch variety that shoots acid into your eye. The acid also has a pheromone that attracts other three inch eye dissolving killing machines in the area to join in the ocular destroying activity. Vespa Mandarinia Japonica, (known by it’s cute critter name, the Japanese Giant Hornet), kills around 40 people a year. Thought you should know that.

Finally, from the polished turd that is the Eurovision song contest comes the entrant from Georgia, grab a drink, sit the children round, open a large family sized bag of crisps & enjoy. If Borat had a hip, good looking cousin, he would be in this band.

[YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE]