Is is pathetic to become jealous of some you purposely try to avoid through mySpace? I could really do with a answer to that question it's ridiculous, I'm sat in my room cleaning my face just because I've read 3 or 4 lines on a profile, admittedly its a bit more substantial than being jealous of a photo album but it's not much.

The more i go on the more i end up thinking about NOTHING but her, which considering that it feels like I'm seeing her less and less means I'm spending more time in my head. When she's around I'm captivated ... mesmerized and just amazed that this girl will even talk to me nine times out of ten, yet when I'm here, or at college or work and I'm effectively on my own, cause as much as you try you can't stop me from thinking this shit i can't loss the thoughts that upset me.

So she txt me earlier to find out what I was doing and I snapped into life, thinking if she wants to know what I'm doing maybe she's free maybe she wants to me. But no I'm pretty sure that only I would jump to such ludicrous conclusions. The truth of the matter was she was just asking, making conversation so why the shock she her answer to the same question tells tales of her being (quite understandably for the normal folk) with her BOYFRIEND!

So I brushed it off did my best to leave it at that, but it's near impossible, I feel such jealously that he gets to see her and I don't, its sad. In fairness I could have done without the reminder that she was with him ... that one sucked when i was sat here on my own but really again I have no right to be upset about it. Really I have no right to be blabbering all this out of me.

She's not left my head all day ... everything i've done, she's the constant. She's kinda like the screen saver of my mind, unless I'm being forced to think about something else like talking to someone or something like that she's...

Is is pathetic to become jealous of some you purposely try to avoid through mySpace? I could really do with a answer to that question it's ridiculous, I'm sat in my room cleaning my face just because I've read 3 or 4 lines on a profile, admittedly its a bit more substantial than being jealous of a photo album but it's not much.

The more i go on the more i end up thinking about NOTHING but her, which considering that it feels like I'm seeing her less and less means I'm spending more time in my head. When she's around I'm captivated ... mesmerized and just amazed that this girl will even talk to me nine times out of ten, yet when I'm here, or at college or work and I'm effectively on my own, cause as much as you try you can't stop me from thinking this shit i can't loss the thoughts that upset me.

So she txt me earlier to find out what I was doing and I snapped into life, thinking if she wants to know what I'm doing maybe she's free maybe she wants to me. But no I'm pretty sure that only I would jump to such ludicrous conclusions. The truth of the matter was she was just asking, making conversation so why the shock she her answer to the same question tells tales of her being (quite understandably for the normal folk) with her BOYFRIEND!

So I brushed it off did my best to leave it at that, but it's near impossible, I feel such jealously that he gets to see her and I don't, its sad. In fairness I could have done without the reminder that she was with him ... that one sucked when i was sat here on my own but really again I have no right to be upset about it. Really I have no right to be blabbering all this out of me.

She's not left my head all day ... everything i've done, she's the constant. She's kinda like the screen saver of my mind, unless I'm being forced to think about something else like talking to someone or something like that she's there.

Foolishly I clicked on her profile ... had a quick skim through nothing seemed different lets be fair it rarely does then my eyes forced me to read some thing I didn't want to read 'confirmation'. Confirmation that ever if its in a way that only im concocting in my head that I'm right. Slowly but surely I'm loosing the most important thing in my life.

So I cried ... I cried like a little bitch, I've not done that in soooooo long, but oddly the last two times, it was for the same reason. I hate the fact that I have to do that, as if my brain is trying to remind me how much i need her by shedding out the tears, its ridiculous.

And while I'm here I may as well get it all gone, she's leaving in July, for a week mind. In her head she knows it upsets me, she knows because she was reluctant to tell me, because she apologized before the words passed her lips but I do wonder if she knows why it upsets me so much. Something tells me she doesn't oh well she'll probably read this so I'll just talk it out, like a mature adult.

But everything reminds me of her ... that doesn't look like it's going away, and I'm glad. I'd rather go through this knowing that it is because I do actually have something in this world that I care about more than me than I would sit here numb and lifeless with nothing really mattering to me. This makes me human, slightly drunk but human never the less.

I know you'll read this ... so let me apologize for any upset I have caused. You know I love you, and that wasn't what this was intended for in the slightest. i miss you a day in I miss you.