brandonlongwood

so i went to a rich buddy of mine and told him that i was going to make him famous. i told him that i had found a new route he could take to ship his product and gain a competitive advantadge. i asked him to front me some cash so i could make a demonstration voyage and prove i knew what i was talking about. he dug the idea and financed my expedition.

i rounded up a bunch of people to come along with me and we set out on a voyage. along the way we got lost. so lost it wasnt even funny. i was scared shitless and my crew was about to beat my ass when we finally reached our destination. but the only thing is, i didnt realize i was lost. i meet some amazingly open and trusting people who have quite a lot going on for them despite the fact that they dont live as technically sophisticated of a life as i do. they showed me how they had mastered such complex concepts as astrology, metaphysics and other sciences. they welcome me into their home and share their lives and culture with me. they show me all kinds of exotic foods and precious minerals and teach me about their way of life. i dig em so much, i decide to kidnap a few of em and take them home with me. i wanted to show the folks back home how ripe these people were for enslavement and subjugation.

i get back home and show off the goods i found on my trip. the exotic plants, animals, minerals and people are well reveived and i am a hero. when word gets out about my travels, other people scramble to make the same trip on their own and get in on this latest opportunity. i get to make a second trip but i am given direct orders to be nice to the people i find and to maintain peaceful relations with them. instead, i take hundreds of them as slaves. see, i had no money for my trips so i had to find a way to keep costs down and recoup my expenses. besides, these bastards were hostile towards me. they could not recognize that i was a true master of the game and didnt give me the props that i deserved. so i had to show them how strong my pimp hand was.

my investors were NOT happy with the fact that i was enslaving these people. moreover, when i made my third trip, i discovered that the folks from back home who set off on the journey to find a world of riches and spoils, found only wilderness and a hostile environment that they had no idea how to navigate. everyone was out to get me and i ended up being arrested by the playa-hating investors that set me up on my first trip. even though i would make a couple more trips where i would steal from and aid in the eventual enslavement of the indigenous people of these lands, i never came close to getting the love that i had after my first trip. you know its hard out here for a pimp. and i was learning that these "savages" didnt like the idea of colonization too much and they could be pretty damn hostile when rubbed the wrong way.

i died a rich man who never knew that he made several trips to a location that was nowhere near where he believed (and led others to believe) he was intending to go. but i am such the man that my exploits will be discussed for more than 5 centuries. and in one country they will actually shut down their entire government for the whole day each year just to honor me.

my name is christopher columbus and i am a fraud. please make sure to teach your children about me.