Once a week... Day 18
So I had an interesting week. On Tuesday and Wednesday I totally fell off my wagon. Hard enough to stay steady, but I had a very sexual weekend and by Tuesday I couldn't handle it anymore. Understand that I mean I went elsewhere than this site; I don't experience the same drastic drop in spirits when I come here. And drop I did, I was the lowest I've been since starting this on Wednesday and Thursday, more self doubt, more anxiety. My housemate brought home some girl friends on Thursday, and I couldn't talk to them. I mean that literally, I would try and think of something to say, and nothing would come to mind. This is the problem I've had for as long as I can remember and it pretty much stopped being an issue on day 2. So to have it come back so strongly was quite the shock; I return from that shock a new man.though, my resolve has been doubled.
It helps that I've met a wonderful woman who gets everything. It was the contrast of meeting her, and the girls on Thursday that really helped drive home the lesson. Not sure what will come of this, but it's a complete turnaround for me. It was part of the reason I fell off the wagon, and now it's going to be a big part of why I'm done.
So I had an interesting week. On Tuesday and Wednesday I totally fell off my wagon. Hard enough to stay steady, but I had a very sexual weekend and by Tuesday I couldn't handle it anymore. Understand that I mean I went elsewhere than this site; I don't experience the same drastic drop in spirits when I come here. And drop I did, I was the lowest I've been since starting this on Wednesday and Thursday, more self doubt, more anxiety. My housemate brought home some girl friends on Thursday, and I couldn't talk to them. I mean that literally, I would try and think of something to say, and nothing would come to mind. This is the problem I've had for as long as I can remember and it pretty much stopped being an issue on day 2. So to have it come back so strongly was quite the shock; I return from that shock a new man.though, my resolve has been doubled.
It helps that I've met a wonderful woman who gets everything. It was the contrast of meeting her, and the girls on Thursday that really helped drive home the lesson. Not sure what will come of this, but it's a complete turnaround for me. It was part of the reason I fell off the wagon, and now it's going to be a big part of why I'm done.
Day 12
My intention beginning this was to post more frequently then I have; however, I continue on. So far things have been up and down, but mostly up. It's interesting what floats to the top when my mind wanders. My mind is always darting back to porn, usually it's the addiction thought.
The addiction thought: the voice that addicts experience in their subconscious that reminds them they haven't done it recently. It's important to remember that it uses your voice.
So the struggle has been reminding myself not to look. The benefits have been strong though. I've been happy, taking things less personally and wonder of wonders I can talk. My experience in bars up to this point has been pretty solitary. Between lack of confidence, my hearing loss, and the loud music I would usually end up dancing or sitting quietly nursing a beer. The entire time knowing full well that I could talk to anyone if I wanted to. My confidence is higher than it's ever been, I can talk to anyone and do anything. More and more I realize things that have been holding me back, and it come back to this bull shit time and again.
My intention beginning this was to post more frequently then I have; however, I continue on. So far things have been up and down, but mostly up. It's interesting what floats to the top when my mind wanders. My mind is always darting back to porn, usually it's the addiction thought.
The addiction thought: the voice that addicts experience in their subconscious that reminds them they haven't done it recently. It's important to remember that it uses your voice.
So the struggle has been reminding myself not to look. The benefits have been strong though. I've been happy, taking things less personally and wonder of wonders I can talk. My experience in bars up to this point has been pretty solitary. Between lack of confidence, my hearing loss, and the loud music I would usually end up dancing or sitting quietly nursing a beer. The entire time knowing full well that I could talk to anyone if I wanted to. My confidence is higher than it's ever been, I can talk to anyone and do anything. More and more I realize things that have been holding me back, and it come back to this bull shit time and again.
Day 3
When I was young we moved a lot, and I hated it. At about 14 we moved again and I decided I was tired of never knowing anyone at school; having no confidence to go make friends I decided to home school. There is an amazing program in the mountains called DESK, and that was how I got my first computer (and the internet). I still remember going to pick it up from the school, my red iMac. School was fun from home, I had the house to myself, and a computer to screw around on when I wasn't doing work.
The precise moment that I first looked up naked women has been lost in my memories; what I didn't know was how much it would effect my life. The first women who loaded are still vivid in my memory; tall, voluptuous brunettes. I didn't connect that dot until more recently. It was the tall, voluptuous brunette I lived with who read the history on my new computer and explained how porn really works. The woman who are coerced and the abuses that can be present behind the scenes.
It was that discussion that really shaped my tastes. After all, I was already hooked; I didn't know it when it happened, but that first taste of porn has changed my life in incredibly widespread ways. When I found out that woman often aren't enjoying whats happening to them on screen, I stepped back and tried to stop looking. The more I thought about it though, the more I figured I'll just look at art, and not photos. That way I'm not hurting anyone. My love of books was transformed into a love of comic book porn and written erotica; I'd found a medium where the girls are always having a good time.
That was it for a long time. My tastes have wandered, but that was always the core of my addiction; drawn and written porn. My readings have taught me that porn addiction leads to a lot of issues based on desensitization from watching more and more extreme videos and images; I think it was the early turn to less stimulating forms of porn, as well as porn of a more mutual nature that has allowed me to avoid or delay some of the effects of long term use. On the other hand I started at such a young and formative age that I believe it reinforced my tendency to withdraw instead of to step up.
That was much how it went until high school and University.
When I was young we moved a lot, and I hated it. At about 14 we moved again and I decided I was tired of never knowing anyone at school; having no confidence to go make friends I decided to home school. There is an amazing program in the mountains called DESK, and that was how I got my first computer (and the internet). I still remember going to pick it up from the school, my red iMac. School was fun from home, I had the house to myself, and a computer to screw around on when I wasn't doing work.
The precise moment that I first looked up naked women has been lost in my memories; what I didn't know was how much it would effect my life. The first women who loaded are still vivid in my memory; tall, voluptuous brunettes. I didn't connect that dot until more recently. It was the tall, voluptuous brunette I lived with who read the history on my new computer and explained how porn really works. The woman who are coerced and the abuses that can be present behind the scenes.
It was that discussion that really shaped my tastes. After all, I was already hooked; I didn't know it when it happened, but that first taste of porn has changed my life in incredibly widespread ways. When I found out that woman often aren't enjoying whats happening to them on screen, I stepped back and tried to stop looking. The more I thought about it though, the more I figured I'll just look at art, and not photos. That way I'm not hurting anyone. My love of books was transformed into a love of comic book porn and written erotica; I'd found a medium where the girls are always having a good time.
That was it for a long time. My tastes have wandered, but that was always the core of my addiction; drawn and written porn. My readings have taught me that porn addiction leads to a lot of issues based on desensitization from watching more and more extreme videos and images; I think it was the early turn to less stimulating forms of porn, as well as porn of a more mutual nature that has allowed me to avoid or delay some of the effects of long term use. On the other hand I started at such a young and formative age that I believe it reinforced my tendency to withdraw instead of to step up.
That was much how it went until high school and University.
This is my first blog about quitting porn.
Understand that this isn't a rejection of woman, or masturbating. I definitely don't have a problem with this website, this is simply a rejection of artificial pleasure.
There are too many hang ups associated with the over use of porn for me to continue to indulge myself. These emotional effects that are becoming linked to porn are incredible, in that they can be incredibly detrimental to trying to live an active and healthy life.
I am a 27 year old man. I am in private college studying what I hope will be a major part of my life for many years. I have looked at porn and masturbated since I was very young. I intend to document my struggles here.
I'll end with two links. the first is a video that made me more aware, the second is a story that made me think and crave good things.
Understand that this isn't a rejection of woman, or masturbating. I definitely don't have a problem with this website, this is simply a rejection of artificial pleasure.
There are too many hang ups associated with the over use of porn for me to continue to indulge myself. These emotional effects that are becoming linked to porn are incredible, in that they can be incredibly detrimental to trying to live an active and healthy life.
I am a 27 year old man. I am in private college studying what I hope will be a major part of my life for many years. I have looked at porn and masturbated since I was very young. I intend to document my struggles here.
I'll end with two links. the first is a video that made me more aware, the second is a story that made me think and crave good things.
