I feel as if what matters most to me is quickly slipping away. I don't know how to handle this at all. I can't get a decent night's sleep, I lay my head down feeling sad and defeated and I wake up feeling sick. I can't eat... I tried, I got a shitty meal from BK and made it half way through before it felt like it was gonna come rushing back out of me. My head and my heart have never felt this way. I feel depressed. I feel lethargic. I make it through the motions of the day. I shower, go to work, tattoo some people, talk to my co-workers, put a smile on my face for brief seconds but its soon washed away by the never ending thoughts. Thinking about someone else so much and wondering what they're truly thinking and feeling on the inside is so hard. Fear of the unknown is tearing my insides apart. I go back to think of the first time I saw her face in real life, how scared and excited I was all at once. I never felt the way I felt when she rode home clinched to my arm tight with her head on my shoulder. The first night she spent with me I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. The following month we spent together were tough for the both of us but as long as we were together I didn't care. I knew that we would make it through the petty drama and all the shit that came up. We decided to uproot and move here together to be closer to her family who I also grew to love. I spent the next few months exploring this place with her and building little traditions together here. I spend a couple poorly chosen days making my biggest mistake ever and things almost came to a sudden ending. I spent the next couple months begging and pleading that she forgive me and trying to prove to her that while it was a stupid and bad mistake that I would never ever make the same mistake again. It was hard but her actions and the moments we had that eventually followed showed me that deep down she wanted to believe me and that I had my work cut out for...

I feel as if what matters most to me is quickly slipping away. I don't know how to handle this at all. I can't get a decent night's sleep, I lay my head down feeling sad and defeated and I wake up feeling sick. I can't eat... I tried, I got a shitty meal from BK and made it half way through before it felt like it was gonna come rushing back out of me. My head and my heart have never felt this way. I feel depressed. I feel lethargic. I make it through the motions of the day. I shower, go to work, tattoo some people, talk to my co-workers, put a smile on my face for brief seconds but its soon washed away by the never ending thoughts. Thinking about someone else so much and wondering what they're truly thinking and feeling on the inside is so hard. Fear of the unknown is tearing my insides apart. I go back to think of the first time I saw her face in real life, how scared and excited I was all at once. I never felt the way I felt when she rode home clinched to my arm tight with her head on my shoulder. The first night she spent with me I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. The following month we spent together were tough for the both of us but as long as we were together I didn't care. I knew that we would make it through the petty drama and all the shit that came up. We decided to uproot and move here together to be closer to her family who I also grew to love. I spent the next few months exploring this place with her and building little traditions together here. I spend a couple poorly chosen days making my biggest mistake ever and things almost came to a sudden ending. I spent the next couple months begging and pleading that she forgive me and trying to prove to her that while it was a stupid and bad mistake that I would never ever make the same mistake again. It was hard but her actions and the moments we had that eventually followed showed me that deep down she wanted to believe me and that I had my work cut out for me to make it right. She had some terrible deep hurtful issues come up that seem to have put her into a deep funk. Things would be better than ever one day, then the next day I was the enemy and everything was slowly starting to crack.... But little fleeting moments clarity seemed to show through and gave me a lot of hope that we could together seal the cracks and continue building upon the foundation that we started. Two days ago things started out amazingly I woke up and she climbed into our bed and we talked and held each other, laughed, cried a little and she told me that she would never leave and would always be here with me. We had amazing sex that made me feel as close to her physically as I felt mentally and emotionally when she told me what she told me mere minutes before. We got ready and headed out for the day. After a silly lunch where she was being silly in only a way she knows how to (wearing a Boba Fett helmet to golden corral) and I stood by slightly embarrassed but very amused. We later went to the shop so I could do a quick tattoo on my day off. She got a phone call or text from her family (not sure which it was initially) telling her they want to push her to go to college in New york city. We talked briefly and then got home when I tried to talk more about it and look into weighing options for me to live in NYC and find a shop to tattoo at. That's when all hell broke loose she said I missed the point and that her trying to go to school is for her to do something to improve her life as an adult. I agreed and still agree whole-heartedly. The events of that day and of the previous days that she assured me that this was going to work and that we were going to overcome our problems led me on to assume that her wanting to look into school in NYC meant that I was going to be invited to look for work and a place for us (or me if necessary) to live so we could be together and I could be there for her and be supportive of her. So after arguing back and forth and eventually getting very heated I grabbed my car keys and drove off. She said to leave her alone so I did. I got several text and phone calls later from her saying that she was being wired some money from her mom to go to Myrtle Beach in the morning. She didn't make it until morning before she called a friend to come get her. I also got a call from her mom trying to mediate us during our argument. I didn't get a chance to see her or apologize to her face or to hug or kiss her before she was gone. We've been talking and texting back and forth the past couple days. She says that a "break" will give her time to sort her shit out so she can come back to "us" and to her home here with me. She says that she loves me and cares about me and that I'm her family and that everything will be okay. I told her that I love her and care about her more than anything in the world and that I will never give up on us or on her and that I have all the faith in the world in her that she will be a success in anything she applies her time and effort to. It's so hard to tell where things will end up and if she will come back to me. I have until the middle of March before I have to make my next move in life I want that move to be with her and for us to go where ever she wants to go. I know her family thinks the best thing for her is to go off to school and get her education and be productive on her own and probably that I am holding her back. Truth is that I refuse to hold her back I want her to be a success. I feel like she has told me sincerely time and time again what she wants to do and I think she can and I think I can help her do it. If it isn't what she chooses I have no problem in helping her in any way I can to do something else. I don't want to choose what she does in life for her or discourage her from doing anything at all. I just want to be with her for whatever that is and be happy and healthy and loving and supportive and caring for her. and to have her here for me to love and care about me. We have this way of looking at each other. I've never seen it in anyone else's eyes. No matter how hard things are, how shitty anything else in my life is, no matter how worried I am when she looks at me with those grayish blue eyes I am instantly calmed because I know that I have truly found the one person in life that I love and the one person that inspires me to try harder and be better and to remain sane (no matter how crazy this whole situation is making me now.) I'd give anything to be able to see that face again and to wake up next to her again and know that everything was truly okay and that she was at peace with herself and truly happy and felt the same way about me. She is beautiful inside and out, she is so intelligent, she is funny, sweet, caring, sexy, and loving. She makes me feel truly alive and always calls me out on my bullshit when needed. She is my muse. In situations like this she keeps me on the edge of my seat awaiting whatever will come next. I look at her and I see my future... I don't care how long it takes to get to that future as long as we are together for the ride. If this turns completely for the worst then a huge part of me will have been taken away and the hole left will never be able to be filled by anyone or anything else. I feel short of breath with every call or text I get from her.I Just hope that I see or hear "I'm coming home" or "come get me" in the near future. She needs her time to find out what she wants to do with her life and I hope that for her I fit into the equation. This hurts so much and I'll stick it out through the pain. I'd do it 10 times over if in the end she came back and stayed.



Come home soon. I want to tickle your back, and face, run my fingers through your hair, hold you, feel your arms around me, I want to feel the shortness of breath I get when you kiss me in the way that only you know how to. I want to see those eyes look back at me as if to tell me that everything is perfect. I want to hear your voice when you call me Punkin. I want to make your body feel great in that special way that hopefully only I know how to. I want to laugh with you when our dog interrupts us at the most intimate moment. I want to see the world with you and I want you to lead the way. I promise that everything will be amazing for the both of us. I don't care what anyone says or thinks. You are my priority. If it ever felt like you aren't I am sorry but you always have been. I need you and I need to know that you want me. This is all I have left are the words that I can put together to hopefully show you how I feel. The actions will speak so much louder as soon as you are here with me again if you come home. This is the truest most honest pile of feelings I have ever felt and have ever put into words. If you truly love me or know me at all you know its all true. This is the only promise I can make to you Anja, Please let me have the opportunity to make good on it.



I will always love you.