An Analysis of Cereal Mascots (Part 1)

I've unfortunately been asked this before...and the answer is yes, this is satirical :p

Toucan Sam

In order to detect Fruit Loops, Toucan Sam advises kids to follow their noses. His expertise in olfactory detection is evidently based on his large...beak? This is completely fallacious; a bird's beak is a structure primarily used for eating, and though it does also sport the nostrils, there's no evidence that the size of a beak is proportionate to a bird's level of olfactory proficiency. The turkey vulture, for example, can smell a rotting corpse from miles away, and their beaks are quite modestly sized. Though a Pig Sam or Shark Sam would have been more appropriate, a toucan was apparently selected because of the discouraging notion that small children are unable to distinguish the proper difference between a nose and a beak.

The cereal itself, once found, is usually sitting all by itself, often hiding in some alcove or other secluded area, spoon and all. One might wonder who has been stashing it, and if they begrudge Sam for finding and consuming it. Yet it must occur frequently, for Fruit Loops are not particularly pungent, and even a modestly endowed sniffer like the toucan merely has to follow its scent to find its mysteriously convenient locations.

Lucky the Leprechaun

The hyperactive leprechaun with his thoroughly predictable name has sole legal possession of his Lucky Charms. His quest is to prevent roving bands of ethnically diverse, breakfast-hungry children from finding it. This is a variation on the legendary leprechaun hiding its pot of gold from all but the most gifted seekers (why a mythical being requires capital at all is unknown to me, but dragons also seem to crave treasure even if they lack opposable thumbs for picking it up). Lucky, however, is always a failure at hiding his cereal, and in fact seems to take pleasure in giving his pursuers clues to finding it. This is possibly why he was demoted from carrying gold to breakfast cereal, or his strange behavior perhaps, given his ethnicity, can be attributed to alcohol abuse.

His pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds and purple horseshoes have at times been supplemented by red balloons, rainbows, double stars (in addition to the usual orange six-pronged Star of David), and others.

Cap'n Crunch

The Cap'n (a phonetic cockney misspelling of the word "captain"), who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Phil, distributes his cereal by dropping in at random locations and handing it out charitably. His system is not unlike the Kool-Aid Man, and he has even been known to cause massive property damage by smashing through walls in his strange earthbound ships. Despite this, it's unknown as to whether or not he is in fact certified to command a sailing vessel of any kind, let alone the fully rigged wooden replicas he prefers to use. How he seems able to arrive virtually anywhere regardless of the presence of any large bodies of water is a mystery.

Cookie Crook (and pet)

Cookie Crisp is apparently such a valuable commodity that it must be kept guarded under lock and key, sometimes spoon, milk and all. In charge of its care is the Cookie Cop. Perhaps there's only a very small amount of Cookie Crisp at any given time, which would explain why the Cookie Crook and his dog are forced to hunt the cereal being guarded by this specific protagonist, despite their repeated failed attempts. Presumably arrested each time for attempted robbery, the penalties against the attempted theft of breakfast cereals must be exceedingly light and provide no rehabilitation efforts, for the Cookie Crook is soon back for another try. His dog, always a willing accomplice, is arrested along with him, despite his species. Perhaps the dog's ability to speak and walk on his hind legs has granted him the designation of a person, at least as far as the law is concerned. If that's the case, then he should be arrested on sight anyway for the crime of indecent exposure, for he never wears any pants.

The Cookie Cop drives a paddy wagon and wears what appears to be a British constable's uniform. He carries a night stick, but no firearm. This is strange, since he's operating in America, yet follows antiquated British trends.

The Cookie Crook and his dog both seek to hide their identities behind thin eye masks. This disguise is a hideous failure, as they're both instantly recognizable due to their uncannily strange appearance.

Dig 'em

The Sugar Smacks frog Dig 'em (another phonetic misspelling of the ambiguous term "dig them"), in complete opposition to his nutritional requirements as a frog, has abandoned carnivorous feeding in favor of corn, honey, and dairy products. It's highly doubtful that a frog can subsist on such things, yet Dig 'em seems in perfect health as he seeks to promote the virtues of his obscene diet, admittedly toward creatures more appropriate to its consumption.

The Trix Rabbit

In direct contrast to Lucky the Leprechaun, the Trix Rabbit must obtain his cereal from others. One wonders why he should be the mascot for a cereal he's not allowed to possess. He's always waxing and waning on the deliciousness of his cereal, though he never manages to obtain it. His persistence may be attributed to mental addiction, which assumes that he has ingested the cereal at least once in the past, or perhaps he's simply operating on the unproven delusion that the cereal is as worthwhile as he credits it. It's altogether possible that, were he to actually obtain the cereal, his anticipation would be such that it would fail to satisfy him. Nevertheless, it's apparently illegal for giant anthropomorphic rabbits who lack genitals to eat it. The commercials are all very clear that consumption of Trix has been relegated solely to prepubescent children, but we have yet to see this statute in writing or in any other form except when asserted directly to the rabbit. Strangely, no arrests have been made against human adults who purchase the cereal. Summary: This may be a veiled case of prejudice.

Sonny

Sonny is a bird, though exactly what species of bird is unclear. Regardless, no birds are known for their affinity for chocolate, and yet Cocoa Puffs have a potently addictive biochemical effect on Sonny, for he literally loses his mind while eating them. He spends his life collecting the cereal, yet is a very generous addict, as he is all too willing to share it with others. It's lucky for him that no other humanoids suffer his addictive attachments, or else he would be arrested for soliciting drugs to minors and thrown into prison and perhaps rehab.

Honey Nut Cheerios Bee

The Bee is an enormous, shocking mutation of an insect. He has forsaken his instinctive social behavior, and instead embarks on a crusade to cover all Cheerios with honey. He can't possibly produce this much honey on his own - he has never been shown collecting nectar at all - and since all bees in a colony are female, he has perhaps broken out of his role as a subservient breeder, enslaved one or more colonies, and steals the honey they produce in service to his bizarre fetish. As a male, he has appropriately never stung anyone, a fortunate habit, as to do so would mean his death.

Entomologists must be very interested in how this bee has lost two of his legs, gained fingers and toes, a button nose, ball-and-socket humanoid eyes, and a horizontal jaw complete with teeth, not to mention his grotesque size. If mutations of this sort are infecting the valuable bee population, then steps must be taken immediately.