i hadn't thought about it until now, but i'm going to have to shut my account down on this site. at least temporarily, while i'm off gallivanting around the world. i'd love to be able to check on it while i'm gone, but i'm not sure how feasible that is. so, as soon as i can figure out how to deactivate my account, and just after i make sure my contact info will stay visible (i trust you guys and want you to be able to contact me if you want/need), i'm gone. it was a great run. thanks for the laughs and the friendships and the boobies.

must get this down before i forget or think it's a dream or something.

okay, so: there's this girl named Amira. she's ridiculously cute and doesn't know it. i've always believed she'd be a little too much work for me, but damn. Trevor lives with her, in her father's house. Trevor knows of her through (my other brother) Tanner. Tanner lived at her house before Trevor did. my family is horrible at house hunting, apparently. anyway, that's how i know her, first as Tanner's friend, then Tanner's roommate, now Trevor's roommate. anyway.

i was downtown, looking for something to do. i thought a friend of mine would be at Shakespeare's, but he wasn't. so i left, heading down 6th towards 35. thought about checking out Pure (last time i was there, $1 Lonestar), but they didn't appear to have anything special, so i kept walking.

it was then i ran into Amira. she was going to meet up with her best friend Emily, who just took her last final. but Emily didn't know where she was going, so she was lost too. so Amira and i walked and talked a bit, looking for Emily. Amira was sort of hoping Trevor was downtown, so she could buy him a drink, but i'm a (family name withheld), so i'd do in a pinch. we ran in to Emily around Congress. then we all walked right back to Shakespeare's. it was me, Amira, Emily, Jamie, Ravi, and Maggie. we had one drink at Shakespeares, then decided to head to The Library. (Amira says, "why go to one crappy bar, when you can go to two?")

we're at Shakespeare's, everybody having whatever time they were having, when i broke the news to Emily: Amira and I wanted to dance. we, separately of each other, wanted to dance. Amira suggested Barbarella, who was playing dancy 60s-70s music. Emily passed the motion by the rest of the board, who approved. so we headed off to Barbarella to try their dancing.

this is all boring to you so far, huh? yeah, would've been to me, too. if not for what happened at Barbarella.

we were at Barbarella. $2 PBR, James Brown-era dance music. Brilliant! i drank a PBR and talked to Maggie for a minute, before i tried dancing. (not drunk enough) Amira sat down beside us before i finished the first PBR (i bought two), so i offered her the second beer. we all talked for a minute before a song came on that made me say "i must dance". so Amira and i danced with Emily and Jamie and Ravi (Maggie wasn't feeling well, and so wasn't dancing) and it was fun. Amira and Emily went to the bathroom, i went to buy more beer.

as i was in (stupid fucking long-ass) line, Emily came by. i grabbed her and offered her a drink (like a gentleman), but she declined and added "you should get one for Amira." so when the bartender came to me and asked "whaddya want?", the only thing i could think of was "two Lonestars." i felt bad, but Amira drank it anyway. (she doesn't like Lonestar, you see)

we danced more. about 1:30, Maggie and Emily decided to go home. Jamie and Ravi are an actual couple, so they were off dry-humping somewhere. Amira and i danced. and danced. and to cut a long story short, we danced and kissed and i'm kinda sitting here stoned and typing this freaking out a tiny little bit. but i think i'm over-estimating the possible reaction of news like that getting out to the world.

we kissed. a lot. and well. she gave me a ride to my car, and we talked a little bit about what we were doing. we decided to go to our separate homes and sleep, then see how we feel in the morning. dear god, why do i feel the need to type this stuff out to strangers? weirdo. i kissed a girl who i've thought was very cute for a long time but who was off limits due to her relationship with my brother, and i just wanted the world to know. in a quiet way.

howdy folks! didja miss me? yeah, me neither.

i'm selling all my stuff and running off to Europe for a currently unknown amount of time. i'm scared shitless of the idea, but i'm doing it anyway. because it's a thing i feel needs to be done. or something. i'm starting in England, and i have a friend in China, so i'll be hitting that up to the best of my ability. probably towards the end. i dunno.

monetarily i'd prefer to couch-surf, but i think hostels may freak me out less. i'm weird and insecure and scared like that.

if anybody has any friends or anything i could stay with, that would be great. but i'm pretty sure nobody reads this, so it's no big deal.

i meant to write in here about my worries and fears and preparations and stuff like that, but i ended up watching several episodes of Lost instead. i fail.

my birthday is on Thursday. i'm having lunch with the family at Chipotle at 11, then selling plasma at 1, then the Big-Ass Twitter Happy Hour starts at 6. it's a relatively full day for me.

god. this trip, possibly combined with my impending 28th, has me feeling fucked up lately. my brother, the other day, described me as "either Jacob Danger or Jacob Whiny-Pissy-Moany, depending on the day", and that's a recent thing. i dunno. i say "i dunno" a lot.

my ex, hethr, came over a few nights ago, to cook me dinner and give me my birthday presents. she and i aren't really speaking yet, it's too soon, and with the Europe thing impending, she figured she might not have a better time. whatever. so she cooked some fucking delicious steaks with onion and asparagus and it was fucking delicious. she gave me Leonard Cohen's debut album on vinyl, a book of Leonard Cohen's poetry, and a burned copy of mewithoutYou - I Never Said I Was Brave, on CD. significant because i've never been able to find that CD anywhere ever. so all in all, she gave me probably one of the best birthday gifts i've ever gotten, and i got a little choked up. and that was okay, until she tried to spend the night. that's not cool, yo. i slept on the couch, she slept in my bed, we haven't talked since. bleh.

i went to return my father's vinyl collection to him, since it's not mine to sell. he said i could sell them. the first record he ever bought was an original pressing of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. i got choked up again, thinking about selling something that i've always thought was special to him. but perhaps i'm an idiot for assuming he gets attached to his record collection. dunno.

so i'm scared and i'm feeling kinda emotional and feeling like i'm wasting my life/time staying up late watching movies and browsing the web and such and i dunno. i'm only typing this because i'm afraid to put it anywhere else. i'm afraid to tell my parents about my middling little feelings, like they're worth something. or perhaps like they're worth nothing. i dunno. i'm gonna stop typing now before something really dumb happens.

thanks for reading, if you did.

it's now 2:41. the first guest arrived at 6:23. the last guest left maybe ten minutes ago. i'd say it was a good night.

today was a potluck event i put together. in that i had a potluck at my apartment. two people brought cookies. i made beef lo mein, and i've got visible burns to prove it. Larilynn brought two HEB-brand packaged salads, with the croutons and dressing and all that. it was good, but i'm still not sure which salad i had. Pete & Alina brought some green beans with almonds thing. i like green beans, but not almonds. it was good anyway.

Cait & Sean were the first to arrive, as usual. her cookies are delicious. after that came Pete & Alina, then Larilynn, and Karl took up the rear, as far as reasonably-late arrivals are concerned. Joanna came after 10, bringing bread. all-in-all it was delicious. my lo mein was awesome(ish), and i dug the green beans (not the almonds). we all drank beer, and we played a shit-ton of Scattergories.

after that/when Pete & Sean were off getting more beer, after Karl left, --fuck it. i'm just gonna wing it here.

i'm kinda stoned and a little drunk and i had a lot of fun tonight. i played my music for a few people, and some of us smoked, and we all had a really good time and for some reason i just really wanted SG to know that; to know that i had a really good time tonight. that is all. i'm gonna really regret this the second i submit it. good evening, sir(s) and ma'am(s).
.

feel special: you guys are getting the full explanation/story, whereas my twitter and facebook friends only get the abbreviated version. here goes!

i've decided to go offline for a week. checking my email once a day, not checking this site or FB or Twitter or anything. i'm even removing the apps from my iPhone. don't worry, it's not hard to get a hold of me. my email and phone number are easily located, if you look for them. sometimes even if you don't. anyway.

reasons: if you've been reading this through my last few posts, you've probably noticed i'm a bit of a sad-sack lately. it's true, i'm not afraid to admit it. but it's not a state of being that i enjoy. so i'm going to try to fix it. of course, finding a job is a big part of that. figuring out what the fuck i'm doing with myself is another. but another, subtle, part of it is my seeming inability to care about other people in a meaningful way, to make any basic human connection to another person.

i was talking to a very old friend of mine last night. first time i've talked to him in maybe a year. he was the last person i feel confident saying that i cared about. we talked for a long time. his view was basically "you want to hang out with me because you're depressed. i don't want to hang out with you because you're depressed. you don't want my friendship, you want me to fix you." which is more accurate than i'd like.

he thinks i'd be happier if i spent more time around my friends, which i really haven't been doing lately. i've just sort of stopped spending time with people, not sure why. in this day and age, it's almost harder to NOT be in constant contact with one's friends. and yet, i've managed it. i'm on FB and Twitter and myspace almost constantly, but my actual meaningful time spent is almost nil. plus, i spend time on the internet instead of doing things i should be doing, like jobhunting or reading or playing music or really anything and everything.

so i'm done with it. no facebook, no twitter, no SG, no myspace, none of it. for a week. i still have people's phone numbers and addresses, and they have mine. we'll see what happens. perhaps i'll replace the internet with movies and TV, or books, or constant masturbation. who knows?

at around midnight tonight my self-imposed exile begins.

perhaps, for fuller effect, i should outlaw TV and music as well, but... baby steps. one thing at a time. wish me luck, and i'll see you in a week.

let's see... where to start? i suppose the big things would be, in chronological order: moving in to a new apt in May, my roommate/ex-girlfriend moved out, and i lost my job.

the apt. thing isn't much worth talking about. it's smaller, cheaper, 'nuff said.

about a month and a half ago, i was just having a very not-cool day, and when i got home from work i basically said to hethr "i want you out of here by the end of next month". i figured a month and a half is more than enough time to find another place, right? anyway, we fought about that for a while, about why i'd want that, why she doesn't, how it's not fair to her after all she gave up or whatever, and yeah. she acquiesced. after that, things sort of settled down a bit (knowing there's an end in sight will do that), and we maybe started treating each other as friends again. so that was nice. she's still not happy about it, but she moved her bed and cat to her new house a few days ago, so it's done. she's coming back after work to get (hopefully) the last of her stuff. sometimes she never wants to see me again, sometimes she wants to stay friends, i'm always ambivalent. i'm broken like that. anyway.

backstory: about three weeks to a month ago, i had to see my boss about my long call times. i had to sign a thing saying i understood that if the calls stayed long, i'd get fired, and i had a month or whatever to straighten out. yesterday, i went in to work at 8, as always. around 10:30ish, i get a chat from my boss, can i go see her please? i know what it's about, so i respond "am i fired?" "come see me please", is the response. so i do. and i am. and i sit in the reception area while she goes and loads a box with my stuff and i'm out by 11.

without a roommate, without a job, i have enough in my bank account to pay rent once. maybe, MAYBE i'll have money left. dunno yet. so i'm looking for jobs, and probably going to look into scientific studies and selling plasma. i'd sell my body, but i'm insecure about myself and wouldn't know how to start anyway.

good things: my brother's new band is playing at Emos on April 10th (you should totally go see them and buy me a beer); i'm sort of, in some indefinable way, feeling better about myself. i think i feel like i know myself a little better than i did before. i don't necessarily like myself, but at least i know myself, y'know? and that's good.

i usually buy things to cheer myself up, but obviously that's not an option. so instead i'm trying to force myself to make music. write something, play something, really just anything, at least once a day. determination and perserverance are things i don't have much of. so we'll see how this goes. perhaps i'll pawn my instruments and buy useless shit, haha! dunno. anyway. now you're pretty well up-to-date on my world. sorry i'm boring and/or depressing. i'm working on it. i promise i'm not like this all the time, i just seem to save it up for blogging. and yes, i owe you another cookie. bye!

short version: my brother was taken to the hospital last Friday night for extreme drunkenness, and i'm done drinking for a little while. also, i dropped my iPhone in water, so i'm using a Razr for a bit.

long version: the roommate (hethr) and i went to see Master Pancake heckle Goldfinger on Friday at 10. we had much fun and and afterwards, because we were feeling good from not having fought all day, we decided to go dancing. we pre-gamed in the car on her wine (we planned ahead and brought it from home), then went to Barbarella around 12:30-1ish. decent music, lot of assholes, expensive drinks.

my brother (Trevor) showed up a little later, so i bought the three of us (hethr, Trevor and i) all a shot of Powers and a Lone Star. there was a bit more dancing after that, and i ended up dancing with some blonde girl who hethr assures me was a bit of a horse-face. oh well. i go to buy her a drink, because i'm a sucker like that, and a mutual friend of Trevor and mine taps me on the shoulder. i'm told i should probably keep an eye out for/on Trevor, as he didn't seem to be doing so well. the girl, meanwhile, has apparently gotten a drink from someone else, so i'm of no interest. but no matter, i have other things on my mind now.

i'm pretty well sauced, and i start searching for my brother, getting more frantic the longer i search. the place isn't very big. i check the smoking area (he wouldn't be there), and even the girl's restroom (actually by accident). at that point, hethr texts me, telling me she needs to go. she has work in the morning. but i don't care about that. she's never seen me actually care about another person at all before, so she figures i'm just being difficult. i'm not. we fight. we yell. she slumps against a wall outside some bar, crying. i'm an asshole.

i walk away from her, thinking she'll follow. so i walk to the car, thinking i'll call Trev's phone once hethr and i get situated. she doesn't follow, so i walk back to where she was, calling Trev's phone as i walk. hethr's gone, and someone who isn't Trev answers and hands the phone to someone else who isn't Trev. i'm told that he's outside Barbarella (he wasn't there 5 minutes before), and he's not doing so good.

i find him between two cars, having just vomited, and being patted on the back by some dude i've never seen before. (why does everybody instinctively pat vomiters on the back like that? weird.) Trev's got his eyes fully closed, he's barely coherent, and completely unable to stand at all, even for a second. he can't even lean on me. so i kick in to full Brother-mode, if i wasn't there already. i pick the fucker up and sling him over my shoulder like the (in)famous sack of old potatoes. i get about 30 feet with him, yelling at anyone who asks "is he okay?" all the way. (of course he's not fucking okay! if he were, you wouldn't ask! be helpful or fuck off!) after i manage to round one corner, i realize i can't carry him to my car. (i guess i figured if i could get him home he'd be fine. i dunno. wasn't thinking too well.) i set him down against a wall and try to keep him awake while i try to regain my strength.

before i get strength, the ambulance arrives. they ask him the questions (what year is it? seven. who's the president? Toonces the cat. what's your name? yes please). they strap him to the gurney and off they go. before they go, i'm told that i'm not allowed in the ambulance. i'm too drunk. they don't want me riding with him, and they don't want me driving to him. fuckers.

so i call the parents, tell them what i know (not much), and realize at about 2:48, i need to move my car or it'll get towed. i should not have driven. not at all, not even a little bit. i moved my car to just of MLK, near some friends of mine. i call my roommate when i realize i lost her. some girl apparently saw us fighting, and drove hethr home. so hethr, not very sober herself, comes and picks me up.

i realize i need to pee, while i'm waiting, so i go behind a gas station. beside me is one of those ice cream coolers, with water in it. in to that water i drop my phone. mid phone call. luckily, i had Trev's phone. he's passed out, he won't need it. so i use his phone to complete the calls i need to make (giving directions to hethr. twice.) she arrives, i use google maps to assume he's at Brackenridge, so we go there. i call my dad, he comes out and talks for a bit. Trev's awake and talking, they gave him electrolytes or saline or maybe just a juice box or something, i dunno. Dad takes my car key, and sends hethr and i home.

we get home around 4-5am, and hethr decides i need to calm down, so she hands me a beer.

the next day, around 3, i get up and get picked up by Mother. she takes me to their house, where my brother and my car and his car are located. turns out he barely ate anything all day Friday. one of the first things he says to me is that i'm an asshole. ah, brotherly love. my parents have stuck their hospital visitor stickers on his flask, and he's still wearing the paper pajamas from the hospital. the family sits around for a bit, telling stories about the previous night and laughing more than we should. Trevor and i both decide to stop drinking for a while.

Thanks for reading all this. i owe you another cookie.

apparently the earthquake in Chile knocked the earth off it's axis by three inches. interesting.

hi. hethr, my roommate/ex-girlfriend, went to look at some rental houses today with some of her new friends. she's looking for a place to live. i'm glad for her to go, it's a little awkward at the apartment since we broke up. i'm just worried, as i am wont to do, that she'll be moving out into a worse place, because she feels like she has no better options, and not because she wants out of here. i dunno. i'm weird like that. i worry. anyway.

i won a pair of tickets to Master Pancake's presentation of Goldfinger this Friday at 10pm. if you don't know what that is, google Master Pancake. live movie heckling, in the style of MST3K. i've heard it's brilliant, and now i guess i'll find out. my question is this: i don't know who to take. i don't want to take hethr but i fear i will because i don't have anybody else to take. i'd like to take a lady, but none are interested in me that i'm interested in. i'm not sure that sentence made sense. recap: i have a ticket for a funny movie this Friday, who should i take?

i'm on Twitter: AxisOfPudding. feel free to stalk me.

i've decided i'm no good for relationships. i can fuck like a champion, and sometimes make you think i care, but i'm complete rubbish at actually caring. never been any good. this bothers me. instead of working on it, i've decided to write this blog and then eat a bacon sandwich. i have a good feeling about that decision.

i'm almost beyond broke right now. i have to save up to be poor. but it's completely my fault, i bought shit i didn't need instead of saving my money for rent and/or drugs and hookers. at least i get paid weekly, and paid relatively well.

now for the good stuff:

Master Pancake.

i'm reading more lately. no real reason, just taking more time, i guess. currently "Me of Little Faith", by Lewis Black, and also "God's Debris" by Scott Adams. i'm pretty sure there's not a reason i'm reading two books about faith at the same time, but i've been wrong before.

i'm writing songs more lately. mostly, i think, because i haven't been making music around any musicians lately, so i don't feel any need to measure up. so that's both good and bad. i wrote an almost complete song about power-tools on my lunch break, which is a lot of progress for me. usually i work longer to make less. anyway.

i have no pictures for you, so there's nothing to break up the monotony of this blog. sorry. thanks for reading this far, if you've read this far. i owe you a cookie.

maybe i should update this more. i've gotten out of the habit of blogging anywhere. mostly i lurk lately. anyway.

hi. i'm currently working at Apple, and mostly enjoying it. i got told today that i have a voice for talk radio or commercials. that made me feel good.

i need to trim my hair and clip my nails. perhaps i'll do that now.

hi. how are you? remember me? i'm jacob. i think we met at that one party held by a mutual acquaintance of ours. yeah, you were pretty drunk by the time i got there, so i don't blame you for not remembering me. although i hope you got that stain out, that was a pretty cool shirt.

enough of that crap. hi. first off: no, i don't know why i don't update more. and no, i don't know if this means i'll be updating more in the future. what am i, psychic?

three things which are sort of related: i don't know why, but my body's been wanting me to eat more lately. not that i've been eating less, but my body seems to want more. damn me for being half bear! eat and sleep, eat and sleep, that's all my body wants lately! so i've been eating salad like it's the key to immortality. haha! take that, body! you want me to get blobby and furry and shit in the woods, but i've thwarted you!! haha! also, i recently decided i enjoy chipotle ranch dressing. but it's too expensive for this cheapskate, so i've got the Hidden Valley Spicy Ranch, which is okay, but not as good. oh well. and thirdly, Thousand Island as a salad dressing is dead to me. henceforth, it shall only be a dip, used occasionally, without enthusiasm.

three other things which are sort of related: Chuck Norris, Jesus Christ, and Chewbacca the Wookiee.

so, the real reason i'm updating this, is to show you something. some of you may have seen it before, some of you have not. all of you should watch, and afterwards change your underwear. it's in two parts just to be difficult, and SG won't let me post the videos, so bear with me.

part one:
(edit: videos removed by BBC. well damn)

part two:
(edit: videos still removed by BBC. move on, nothing to see here)

you may now change your underwear.