i havent written in such a long time, im warning you, this is probably going to be a really long one. ive actually had tons to talk about just not the time or motivation to write about it. which is too bad, because one of the reasons i like keeping a journal here is to help me remember all of the craziness and absurdity that is my life.

the boy and i have been having a rough time of things. indiscriminate anger and a lack of attention and affection has made me skittish and resentful, nagging about practical life issues (especially finances) and a lack of praise for the good things has made him defensive and combative. weve gone through the cycle grozens of times, im unhappy and try to talk, he gets defensive and starts fighting, we fight, i cry, eventually he apologizes, we talk forever, we both get exhausted and promise to try harder with our problems, i get hopeful for the future, rinse, repeat. i dont think he can fully comprehend how damaging his anger or ignorance of me is to me and how hard it is to continue to be patient. on the one hand, i see how much hes grown, and how much hes worked on his issues in a relatively short period of time and it makes me really proud and hopeful, but on the other i dont want to get more emotionally/psychologically damged or bitter about anything while i try to ride things out. plus he thinks that if he opens himself up, and lets himself be vulnerable to another, theyll immediately leave, and i dont want to prove that true. two fridays ago it got to the point that i was so emotionally depleted and exhausted and so crushed that after a big fight and then reconciliation, when i truly thought things were going to change for the better, but there was just another big fight the next day, i needed to escape and replenish myself and so wenley took me out for a drink and i spent the night at her house. at the time he thought i was trying to punish him, but i really just needed to get away. things looked fairly grim. but the next day we...

i havent written in such a long time, im warning you, this is probably going to be a really long one. ive actually had tons to talk about just not the time or motivation to write about it. which is too bad, because one of the reasons i like keeping a journal here is to help me remember all of the craziness and absurdity that is my life.

the boy and i have been having a rough time of things. indiscriminate anger and a lack of attention and affection has made me skittish and resentful, nagging about practical life issues (especially finances) and a lack of praise for the good things has made him defensive and combative. weve gone through the cycle grozens of times, im unhappy and try to talk, he gets defensive and starts fighting, we fight, i cry, eventually he apologizes, we talk forever, we both get exhausted and promise to try harder with our problems, i get hopeful for the future, rinse, repeat. i dont think he can fully comprehend how damaging his anger or ignorance of me is to me and how hard it is to continue to be patient. on the one hand, i see how much hes grown, and how much hes worked on his issues in a relatively short period of time and it makes me really proud and hopeful, but on the other i dont want to get more emotionally/psychologically damged or bitter about anything while i try to ride things out. plus he thinks that if he opens himself up, and lets himself be vulnerable to another, theyll immediately leave, and i dont want to prove that true. two fridays ago it got to the point that i was so emotionally depleted and exhausted and so crushed that after a big fight and then reconciliation, when i truly thought things were going to change for the better, but there was just another big fight the next day, i needed to escape and replenish myself and so wenley took me out for a drink and i spent the night at her house. at the time he thought i was trying to punish him, but i really just needed to get away. things looked fairly grim. but the next day we had somewhat of a breakthrough, and even though he was very depressed and i was emotionally drained and it seemed like the event might be cancelled or something and it was a 6 hour drive, we decided to go to pavements end. a big part of the decision for me had to do with wanting to see fractal again, as she was the only person we knew there. and that was probably the best thing we couldve done. we talked the whole way down in a way that we hadnt for a long time, quality conversations about our thoughts and feelings that reestablished a bond and made us both remember why we thought the other was so cool. and then we got there and the event was absolutely amazing.

so the cops of the county where the burn was scheduled heard about it ahead of time and goddamit if it didnt sound like a rave to them. charging admission for a big party in the dessert with domes and stages and sound systems? must be a rave. and even though it was on private land, they strong armed the owner of the land to sign a tresspassing form so they could get the event out of their county. so the first night, we roll up to the road in the rolling desert hills at about midnight, trying not to hit the long-tailed desert mice that kept bounding across the road (the boy's comment was 'whats wrong with the feild theyre in? is the field across the road the much better? maybe thats where the mice have their "after-field".) and there are three cop cruisers blocking the road to the land. they tell us to go to a public park 5 miles down the road and that the people on the property cant leave until noon the next day. so in short, they werent even trying to shut the event down, just move it out of their county. so the first night half of the party (with none of the organizers) had no idea what was going on and just set up a camp at the campsite and tried to figure out what was going on. and fractal was stuck at the other site, so the boy and i knew NOBODY. we stumbled around in the dark, watched some fire performers drank and started trying to socialize. we happened upon a camp of sexy people with cool hair so we stopped and started talking to them. so naturally the sexiest freakiest people there were fractal's friends, the members of saturnalia (www.saturnalia.biz). they are the most amazing fire performers ive ever seen, but that comes in later in the story. so we drank, mingled, danced to the impromptu funk band that started playing, fucked by a bush, and i tried to drunkenly seduce one or two of the party goers. since we didnt bring a tent, we ended up passing out in the front of my $300 car with generous speckling of stars above and the scorpions scuttling below.

more later, i need to start my day now..........