I wish I had more to drink in the apartment. You'd better believe I'm going to stock up. It's going to be a long summer.
She has yet to confirm, but things are shaping up to be precisely as I feared. Tonight I cried for the first time in 6 years. It was just a single tear that escaped the threshold of my eyelids, but that's a really big deal. What's really frustrating is I have no idea if it is merited. I still cannot bring myself to blame her. She would never intend for things to play out this way. To be fair she did offer adequate disgression before and even during my persuit of her affections. I still think she is worth all the struggle I'm facing and more.
I live
fearing tomorrow
She has yet to confirm, but things are shaping up to be precisely as I feared. Tonight I cried for the first time in 6 years. It was just a single tear that escaped the threshold of my eyelids, but that's a really big deal. What's really frustrating is I have no idea if it is merited. I still cannot bring myself to blame her. She would never intend for things to play out this way. To be fair she did offer adequate disgression before and even during my persuit of her affections. I still think she is worth all the struggle I'm facing and more.
I live
fearing tomorrow
Well, she's back tomorrow. I'm as anxious and nervous as I expected. I hadn't heard from her over the last week, save for a single text exchange.
Just passing the time while she's away. Trying to pick up good habits and healthy routines.
I bought a little table set for the balcony. Been taking in the rays these past few days. Nice, sunny, warm week in Portland.
I've started working out a bit-- just basic calisthenics to tone up. Eating a little healthier. Nothing drastic, but I've been making an effort to be more conscious about my choices.
I just need to get out more. Socializing is still quite tasking for me. I actually feel physically exhausted after having a social conversation with someone with whom I am not already closely acquainted. I suppose it will get easier over time as I force myself to do it. I often feel like I just don't have a lot to offer in the way of interesting conversation-- an issue of self esteem, essentially.
but hat's enough rambling...
I bought a little table set for the balcony. Been taking in the rays these past few days. Nice, sunny, warm week in Portland.
I've started working out a bit-- just basic calisthenics to tone up. Eating a little healthier. Nothing drastic, but I've been making an effort to be more conscious about my choices.
I just need to get out more. Socializing is still quite tasking for me. I actually feel physically exhausted after having a social conversation with someone with whom I am not already closely acquainted. I suppose it will get easier over time as I force myself to do it. I often feel like I just don't have a lot to offer in the way of interesting conversation-- an issue of self esteem, essentially.
but hat's enough rambling...
Well, it's 2 and a half weeks later.
Things have been completely wrapped up with the ex. She's in her new apartment, and we are not speaking much. She seems to be doing fine, but I don't suppose she would let me know otherwise.
My current interest is still driving me wild. Things are immensely more clear about how we feel about eachother. Although she said just a couple of days ago she is still not ready to date, we have been seeing eachother outside of work. I've been to her place, she's been to mine. I honestly feel like our relationship is only getting stronger. We're getting pretty comfortable and increasingly affectionate.
I guess it's only the definitive emotional responsibility of "dating" that frightens her, not the relationship itself. She has been hard to reach at times, and she keeps really busy. Weekends have gone by when she doesn't seem to have a second to even talk. She's going out of town for what I assume will be a week in a few days. I'm sure that will be pretty frustrating. She deserves a vacation though. March was a tough month for her.
So that's where we are. She's still in the driver's seat for this thing. It's a little scary. I'm still hoping to earn boyfriend status. It's unclear if that will ever happen. She says she doesn't want to date, but she acts like she does when we're together.
Until next time
Things have been completely wrapped up with the ex. She's in her new apartment, and we are not speaking much. She seems to be doing fine, but I don't suppose she would let me know otherwise.
My current interest is still driving me wild. Things are immensely more clear about how we feel about eachother. Although she said just a couple of days ago she is still not ready to date, we have been seeing eachother outside of work. I've been to her place, she's been to mine. I honestly feel like our relationship is only getting stronger. We're getting pretty comfortable and increasingly affectionate.
I guess it's only the definitive emotional responsibility of "dating" that frightens her, not the relationship itself. She has been hard to reach at times, and she keeps really busy. Weekends have gone by when she doesn't seem to have a second to even talk. She's going out of town for what I assume will be a week in a few days. I'm sure that will be pretty frustrating. She deserves a vacation though. March was a tough month for her.
So that's where we are. She's still in the driver's seat for this thing. It's a little scary. I'm still hoping to earn boyfriend status. It's unclear if that will ever happen. She says she doesn't want to date, but she acts like she does when we're together.
Until next time
Thanks for all the well wishes
Let me start today by elaborating on a couple story lines I left wide open the other night:
I mentioned that I am still wrapping up my break up situation. The girl I've been talking about fortunately had a very quick turnover after breaking it off with her guy. He found an apartment within the week and he moved out while she was out of town for the weekend. It's sounding like I have 1 more day until my ex is out of here for good. She got the keys to her new apartment on Monday, but she's been really dragging her feet about moving all her stuff. I'm trying to remain patient, but I must say I'm frustrated about it. You might cringe from hearing this, but my ex and I have been living together for 6 months since we broke it off. Perhaps now you can sympathize with my hopes to be over and done with this move as quickly as possible. It's been a long stretch of unpredictable outbursts of hostility, passive aggression, depression, and shamefully, sexual relapse as we shared our 1 bedroom apartment.
Why choose to live in those conditions altogether? The answer points back to the reason she moved in to begin with a year and a half ago. She had been living in southern Louisiana, where she and I met in college. Since we started dating in 2007 I had gotten to a point where I was ready to escape the monotany of Baton Rouge. I had the grand scheme of moving out of state and getting a place for both of us. Due to the timing of lease agreements there was a 3 month period when it made sense to float through at my parents' house while my ex finished up her degree program and wrapped up her obligations in Louisiana. After all that, we would ride off into the sunset together...
That didn't happen. She decided she did not want to move away from her friends and family. What was a very temporarily long distant relationship had become one indefinitely. That obviously shook the foundations of our relationship, and the inevitable break up occurred over what ended up being a year living in different states. She saw other people. I indended to see other people, although I can't say I never lifted a finger to that goal. The living with parents thing is not sexy. She and I remained close friends through all this. At one point I visited her while she was seeing someone. That stirred up old emotions. She decided she didn't like her new guy so much, and we got back together. That was a rather short lived affair, as the stress of long distances reappeared in no time.
You may be wondering why I didn't just move back to Louisiana. It's a fair question, and upon reflection I think I was resentful about the abandonment of our initial plan to move somewhere together. That's obviously not the end of the story, however. We'll fast forward to me moving to Portland to start culinary school. Sure there were plenty of culinary schools where I was living, but it was time to get far away from all the stale feelings of the failed relationship, not to mention the guest bedroom at my parents' house. My ex and I kept talking. She's still seeing other people, I'm finally giving it a shot now that I have my own place again. It's not too clear how things turned around, but she and I began getting closer again through phone conversations. She popped up for a visit, again while seeing someone although this time they were only in the flirtation/courtship phase of the relationship. We have a great time together while she's visiting. She voices a conflict about who she likes more, me or this dude she's seeing. Fine, fine... I tell her to do what she feels is right for her, and apperantly the other guy was just as supportive. Wouldn't you know it, she decides she doesn't like him so much. So begins long distance relationship round 3, and as you can probably guess the same frustrations come about. We argue, we make up (all on the phone, mind you). We redefine the relationship a few times... "exclusive... open... hiatus.. etc." Eventually we are not dating again.
Then comes what I believe to be the beginnings of our ultimate fall out. Not only is she willing to give it another shot, but this time she's ready to move in. Red flags all in mind, I state my concern about all the trouble we've had keeping it together in the past. Living together forces us to live in an incredibly uncomfortable environment if things go south. She replies quite maturely with an understanding that if things don't work out, then they don't work out and she'll get her own place. What I now see was a major gamble and ultimately the big folly was our intention to virtually pick things up where we left off in the relationship when we were both in Baton Rouge. I think we both expected to both feel and act like the people we were over 4 years ago. We jumped in with both feet based on what we remembered, and not what we are. Things did not go as planned, as you know. I grew weary of everything. The slightest things she would do began to annoy me, and my interest in the relationship waned. Come time to renew or terminate the lease agreement at the time, and I say perhaps it's a good idea to find different places.
As we approach today we are at the end of a second lease term living together. She was unable to secure a place to stay before we had to be out of the old place. My overwhelming guilt over the situation forced me to invite her to stay with me for a second lease. She had, after all, moved across the country to be with me. She knew no one else in the area. The situation I put her in still troubles me today, but I must remember our long history is hardly enough to continue a relationship. If I'm checked out of the relationship, it's not fair to pretend I'm still in it, for either of us.
That story ended up being longer than I intended. I'd say it's pretty thorough, so that's good. It does mean I'll have to update on what's going on with my new romantic interest at another time, however. Sorry for boring you with such a long tangent.
Until next time
Let me start today by elaborating on a couple story lines I left wide open the other night:
I mentioned that I am still wrapping up my break up situation. The girl I've been talking about fortunately had a very quick turnover after breaking it off with her guy. He found an apartment within the week and he moved out while she was out of town for the weekend. It's sounding like I have 1 more day until my ex is out of here for good. She got the keys to her new apartment on Monday, but she's been really dragging her feet about moving all her stuff. I'm trying to remain patient, but I must say I'm frustrated about it. You might cringe from hearing this, but my ex and I have been living together for 6 months since we broke it off. Perhaps now you can sympathize with my hopes to be over and done with this move as quickly as possible. It's been a long stretch of unpredictable outbursts of hostility, passive aggression, depression, and shamefully, sexual relapse as we shared our 1 bedroom apartment.
Why choose to live in those conditions altogether? The answer points back to the reason she moved in to begin with a year and a half ago. She had been living in southern Louisiana, where she and I met in college. Since we started dating in 2007 I had gotten to a point where I was ready to escape the monotany of Baton Rouge. I had the grand scheme of moving out of state and getting a place for both of us. Due to the timing of lease agreements there was a 3 month period when it made sense to float through at my parents' house while my ex finished up her degree program and wrapped up her obligations in Louisiana. After all that, we would ride off into the sunset together...
That didn't happen. She decided she did not want to move away from her friends and family. What was a very temporarily long distant relationship had become one indefinitely. That obviously shook the foundations of our relationship, and the inevitable break up occurred over what ended up being a year living in different states. She saw other people. I indended to see other people, although I can't say I never lifted a finger to that goal. The living with parents thing is not sexy. She and I remained close friends through all this. At one point I visited her while she was seeing someone. That stirred up old emotions. She decided she didn't like her new guy so much, and we got back together. That was a rather short lived affair, as the stress of long distances reappeared in no time.
You may be wondering why I didn't just move back to Louisiana. It's a fair question, and upon reflection I think I was resentful about the abandonment of our initial plan to move somewhere together. That's obviously not the end of the story, however. We'll fast forward to me moving to Portland to start culinary school. Sure there were plenty of culinary schools where I was living, but it was time to get far away from all the stale feelings of the failed relationship, not to mention the guest bedroom at my parents' house. My ex and I kept talking. She's still seeing other people, I'm finally giving it a shot now that I have my own place again. It's not too clear how things turned around, but she and I began getting closer again through phone conversations. She popped up for a visit, again while seeing someone although this time they were only in the flirtation/courtship phase of the relationship. We have a great time together while she's visiting. She voices a conflict about who she likes more, me or this dude she's seeing. Fine, fine... I tell her to do what she feels is right for her, and apperantly the other guy was just as supportive. Wouldn't you know it, she decides she doesn't like him so much. So begins long distance relationship round 3, and as you can probably guess the same frustrations come about. We argue, we make up (all on the phone, mind you). We redefine the relationship a few times... "exclusive... open... hiatus.. etc." Eventually we are not dating again.
Then comes what I believe to be the beginnings of our ultimate fall out. Not only is she willing to give it another shot, but this time she's ready to move in. Red flags all in mind, I state my concern about all the trouble we've had keeping it together in the past. Living together forces us to live in an incredibly uncomfortable environment if things go south. She replies quite maturely with an understanding that if things don't work out, then they don't work out and she'll get her own place. What I now see was a major gamble and ultimately the big folly was our intention to virtually pick things up where we left off in the relationship when we were both in Baton Rouge. I think we both expected to both feel and act like the people we were over 4 years ago. We jumped in with both feet based on what we remembered, and not what we are. Things did not go as planned, as you know. I grew weary of everything. The slightest things she would do began to annoy me, and my interest in the relationship waned. Come time to renew or terminate the lease agreement at the time, and I say perhaps it's a good idea to find different places.
As we approach today we are at the end of a second lease term living together. She was unable to secure a place to stay before we had to be out of the old place. My overwhelming guilt over the situation forced me to invite her to stay with me for a second lease. She had, after all, moved across the country to be with me. She knew no one else in the area. The situation I put her in still troubles me today, but I must remember our long history is hardly enough to continue a relationship. If I'm checked out of the relationship, it's not fair to pretend I'm still in it, for either of us.
That story ended up being longer than I intended. I'd say it's pretty thorough, so that's good. It does mean I'll have to update on what's going on with my new romantic interest at another time, however. Sorry for boring you with such a long tangent.
Until next time
Not feeling great.
To continue the saga: She has been out of town since Saturday morning up until late last night. The last time I saw her was Friday night, and I had been texting her little reminders of how I feel about her. You know.. just to make sure I stay on her mind. They are all in the form of Haiku-- very romantic, in my objective opinion.
Anyway, through all this effort I never heard a word from her. It's kind of the story of this whole affair, and I can't bring myself to blame her. First, she was dealing with a failing (very) long-term relationship that ultimately ended with a break up, of which she has been in the throws for about 2 weeks now. I should mention she was living with him, which complicates things to an immense degree. That is precisely why I can completely sympathize, as I am in virtually the same situation, only I am still days away from the end of my ordeal. She came home to an empty house, you see. More on that later...
Secondly, the purpose of her little trip was to settle family business for her late grandfather, to whom she seems to have been very close. There's no arguing about that. She deserves time to grieve and handle it in whatever way she decides. All I can do is be here for her, and I've made that clear to her.
Today was the first time I've seen her since her return, and I cannot begin to express how excited I was. Mind you, I was also equally terrified to see her. As I mentioned in my last post, she felt the need to push me away. It was clear that she was feeling a bit self destructive/self loathing over her break up. I argued, albeit the next day, that I would not give up so easily. She is absolutely worth the effort and struggle. If I don't make an honest effort at all costs, I will honestly feel like I will have turned my back on what seems to be the best match for me that I have ever met in my life. Her arguement is that she is not stable enough to date anyone due to the emotional weight of her recent break up. Again, that's all fine and I will never blame her for that. She appreciated my stance, and admitted that her efforts were in support of what she thought was "best," and not what she actually wanted. To get back to my point, however, that is exactly why I was terrified to see her again after she has had this time (without speaking to me) to prepare to push me away again, this time prepared to withstand my opposition. I'll probably elaborate on that in a future post as this is probably not over yet...
To move the story along, she did not seem as ecstatic to see me today. She was not rude, and it may be just the sense I got from our inherent coyness which we continue due to our concern for workplace fraternization, but she was defintely more casual with our exchange than I was hoping. It bummed me out. I have since sent her an innocent message stating that I am glad she is back, yileding still no response. It makes me feel pathetic and takes quite a toll on my confidence.
I should have an opportunity to have a real conversation with her tomorrow. Hopefully things will be cleared up. There is tons more to say, but I am about to fall asleep on my keyboard. The saga shall continue another day...
To continue the saga: She has been out of town since Saturday morning up until late last night. The last time I saw her was Friday night, and I had been texting her little reminders of how I feel about her. You know.. just to make sure I stay on her mind. They are all in the form of Haiku-- very romantic, in my objective opinion.
Anyway, through all this effort I never heard a word from her. It's kind of the story of this whole affair, and I can't bring myself to blame her. First, she was dealing with a failing (very) long-term relationship that ultimately ended with a break up, of which she has been in the throws for about 2 weeks now. I should mention she was living with him, which complicates things to an immense degree. That is precisely why I can completely sympathize, as I am in virtually the same situation, only I am still days away from the end of my ordeal. She came home to an empty house, you see. More on that later...
Secondly, the purpose of her little trip was to settle family business for her late grandfather, to whom she seems to have been very close. There's no arguing about that. She deserves time to grieve and handle it in whatever way she decides. All I can do is be here for her, and I've made that clear to her.
Today was the first time I've seen her since her return, and I cannot begin to express how excited I was. Mind you, I was also equally terrified to see her. As I mentioned in my last post, she felt the need to push me away. It was clear that she was feeling a bit self destructive/self loathing over her break up. I argued, albeit the next day, that I would not give up so easily. She is absolutely worth the effort and struggle. If I don't make an honest effort at all costs, I will honestly feel like I will have turned my back on what seems to be the best match for me that I have ever met in my life. Her arguement is that she is not stable enough to date anyone due to the emotional weight of her recent break up. Again, that's all fine and I will never blame her for that. She appreciated my stance, and admitted that her efforts were in support of what she thought was "best," and not what she actually wanted. To get back to my point, however, that is exactly why I was terrified to see her again after she has had this time (without speaking to me) to prepare to push me away again, this time prepared to withstand my opposition. I'll probably elaborate on that in a future post as this is probably not over yet...
To move the story along, she did not seem as ecstatic to see me today. She was not rude, and it may be just the sense I got from our inherent coyness which we continue due to our concern for workplace fraternization, but she was defintely more casual with our exchange than I was hoping. It bummed me out. I have since sent her an innocent message stating that I am glad she is back, yileding still no response. It makes me feel pathetic and takes quite a toll on my confidence.
I should have an opportunity to have a real conversation with her tomorrow. Hopefully things will be cleared up. There is tons more to say, but I am about to fall asleep on my keyboard. The saga shall continue another day...
I feel I've done what was necessary, and things are looking up for the time being.
She tried to scare me away, but I let her know I wouldn't give up that easy.
She seemed to appreciate the sentiment, although it took a day of nausea for me to collect my thoughts.
Imagining a life when we are strangers again made me literally sick. Absolutely the worst future I can think of.
She tried to scare me away, but I let her know I wouldn't give up that easy.
She seemed to appreciate the sentiment, although it took a day of nausea for me to collect my thoughts.
Imagining a life when we are strangers again made me literally sick. Absolutely the worst future I can think of.
Hard to believe it has been 2 weeks.
A lifetime of emotions have occurred in that time.
Things are not good at the moment.
A lifetime of emotions have occurred in that time.
Things are not good at the moment.
