7deuce

The professor I work with at the writing center at my school actually looks forward to reading my writing every week. She is convinced I have a future in literature and is trying to get me to change my major. My sister (who is an english teacher) was helping me proof read my latest narrative for class last night and she also thinks I am a good writer. She said that she thought I wrote a lot like Nicholas Sparks. It got me to thinking, Am i really that good of a writer? So i figured i would try to get some other opinions. And if any of you would actualy like to take the time to read it and give me your HONEST opinion i would really apriciate it. So here it is the narrative i just wrote for my english class:

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...and My Heart Stopped


I looked down and saw the engagement ring on her finger and my heart stopped. All of the memories I had of being with her, holding her and just seeing her came flooding back all at once.

* * * * *

It had been over a year and a half since Jennifer had broken up with me and there hadnt been one day that I had not thought of her. She had been so important to me in ways she didnt even know. She opened my eyes to all kinds of new music, activities and realms of thought. She helped me have faith in myself and opened my eyes to the reality of where my life was heading; that I needed to do things to improve myself physically, as a person and as a father. I lived for making her happy and proud of me. Maybe this is not the way a person should go through life but she was what kept me getting up in the morning. When she left me it felt as if I had died.



During the first year after our relationship ended I crawled through life. I only left my house to go to work or to pick up and drop off my daughter. Just getting out of bed in the morning was an effort. I annoyed everyone I knew with my depressed attitude and my pessimistic comments about everything. I was short tempered with my father and my daughter, neither of whom deserved any of my frustrations directed at them. All I wanted was to be able to curl up in a ball and be left alone.



Not only did the depression, caused by our break up, turn me into an extreme introvert but it caused me to act out at work as well. I started shirking my responsibilities at work and that led to confrontations with the people who worked for me and whom I worked for. It was all an ugly mess that ended in my getting demoted, then fired, from the job I had had for the last seven and a half years.



After I lost my job I spent the whole day everyday lying in bed watching television and feeling sorry for myself. I felt alone, unwanted and useless. My depression started to overwhelm me. I soon realized that either I needed to get up and force myself into action or that my depression would reach a point of no return.



I realized that being fired put me into a unique position: I could take stock of where I was in my life and where it was going. First I thought about getting another job, but at the time the job market was stagnant. Then I tried to collect unemployment but because I had been fired my claim was denied. Finally it came to me: Why not go to college? So I started the process of getting my college and financial aid applications in.



When Jennifer and I had been dating she had talked to me about the joys of mountain biking. When I received my tax return I decided that a great way for me to get out of the house and get in shape would be to purchase a mountain bike. So eleven hundred dollars and at least a thousand miles later I was feeling and looking better than I had since Jennifer and I were going out.



So, there I was a year or so after Jennifer had left me, improving myself mentally and physically and hoping I was heading in the right direction in life. My application for college had been accepted and I had been given a grant and student loans. I was riding fifteen miles a day on my mountain bike. Things should have been great. I knew I needed to move on with my personal life but my heart wouldnt let me. I was still thinking about Jennifer every day; wondering how she was, if she was happy, if she ever thought of me or us.



In June I attended the orientation day at my college. It was a fun day, but I felt a little lonely because I was older and there alone, while most of the other students were much younger and there with friends and family. Afterwards I went to a local bar that Jennifer and I used to frequent together to have a beer and just relax a little while before I went home.



It was about three in the afternoon and I was sitting there watching ESPN when I felt a tap on my shoulder, Hey you. I turned around and there she was more beautiful than I remembered.



I awkwardly said hello and quickly looked down as she sat down next to me and started to talk to me. I think she could tell that it was a little difficult for me to be in that situation because she asked if I was ok and if I wanted her to leave me alone. I said that I was ok because honestly I just wanted to be near her so I could feel her warmth and breathe her cent.



I told her I had been to see Social Distortion (one of her favorite bands) a few weeks ago and that I was surprised I hadnt seen her there. She said that she would have been there but instead she had been in Boston picking up her boyfriend at Logan. I felt the blood drain away from my face when I heard boyfriend but tried to appear indifferent.



She asked if I wanted to play a game of pool. I said I would. I grabbed a cue for my self. Oddly though, instead of getting one for herself, Jennifer just asked if we could share the one pool stick. I thought this was weird because there were plenty of other sticks around but agreed anyway (I could never say no to her and still cant). Every time she took the stick from me she said thank you and I just kind of nodded.



The whole time she was there with me I couldnt look at her or talk much, because I knew once I started doing either it would be near impossible to stop. Then it happened; I really looked at her and saw how beautiful she looked and a feeling of longing to hold her started to overwhelm me and I felt tears well up in my eyes. After our game of pool was over I said it had been nice to see her again and that I had to go. I hurried op the stairs and out the door so that I wouldnt give into the feelings I was having and make a fool of myself.



After I left, I started to analyze all that had happened to see if there was any indication that she might want to get back together. After a while though I chastised myself by saying, Shawn, youre being a fool. She broke up with you and you need to move on.



I started college in September after a short nine year break from school. It all seemed familiar in a way but different and a bit scary as well. I thought my first day would be more hectic than it was. I was still worried about some things though but most of my concerns had been quashed. Also, I was starting to genuinely realize that I might actually enjoy returning to school.



My first day was so much better than I thought it would be. I met new people who helped ease my transition to my new life as a student. The professors I met seemed intelligent and helpful. And the atmosphere just seemed a pleasant one over all.



Although things seemed to be going well I did have concerns. I worried about how I would be able to balance getting my school done on time, work, and being a good father to my six year old daughter all at the same time. I felt that with the work load I was dealing with that I wouldnt be there for her enough during a time in her life that she needed my help most. I wanted to be there for her when she needed me but I also knew that by my going to school and finding a good career I would better both of our lives.



Above all of this, though, was a feeling of enjoyment. It felt so good to be able to use my mind in constructive ways on a daily basis. Also, I wasnt sure I ever knew exactly how much I needed to be around others who also want to expand their minds and who enjoyed intelligent conversation. All of this seemed to help me have a healthier view of myself and my future.



A month or so later I was out on my daily bicycle ride down on the abandoned Old Hill Village road. I had about two and a half miles left on my ride when I saw another mountain biker heading my way. She looked familiar as she went by and then I realized it was Jennifer. I turned around to see if she had noticed me and saw that she had stopped and was looking back at me. I tried to stop and turn around at the same time and dumped my bike. All I could think about was how foolish I must have looked. My face must have been beet red when I walked up to her because she said, It happens. I smiled and we exchanged pleasantries.



She said that I was the last person she expected to see down there. I thought, Yeah I know. Ive changed a lot since we broke up. There are a lot of other things you dont know about me now. Would you like to have dinner and Ill catch you up? But I didnt say it although I wanted to.



Then we looked down at the same time and noticed that I had gotten a flat tire when I dumped my bike. If I didnt seem embarrassed before it certainly must have been obvious then. She asked if I had stuff to fix my flat. I said I did. Then realized that I had left my tire pump in my truck and even if I could fix it I had no way to fill the tire with air. She didnt have a pump either but offered to walk the last two and a half miles back to the parking lot with me.



We talked about a lot of different things. At one point she said, The reason that Im down here is that I have a bet with, and she seemed to pause, a friend about who can lose ten pounds first. I smiled and wished her good luck. Inside, though I was thanking her because I thought I knew that she was referring to her boyfriend and that she was trying not to hurt my feelings.



When we finally got back to the parking lot I told her, kind of shyly, that it had been really good to see her and thanked her for walking back to my truck with me. She smiled at me and said that it wasnt a problem.



Again, I started thinking about exactly what had happened and analyzing it all: Why would she not say it was her boyfriend when she had mentioned him last time? Was that an indication that she wanted to get back together with me? And again I had to berate myself and make myself forget those thoughts.



After those two days I started consciously thinking that it was time to move on with my life and find someone else because Jennifer already had. But deep inside of me there was a part that wouldnt let go of the memories of her. There was a voice telling me that I would never find anyone else like her, that all the women I would meet would seem, in a way, fake and that it would be unfair to myself as well as them if I were to pursue a relationship when all I would be doing is holding them up in comparison to Jennifer. In the end though that voice started to fade and I began to think I was ready to find someone else.



A few weeks after I started college everything in my life seemed like it was starting to come together, I was (for the first time in over a year) content. I was enjoying going to school and being around the people I was meeting there. It also seemed that I was truly happy with where my personal life was. I even wrote about it in my web log: I am figuring out that I don't need her. Don't get me wrong she is still my ideal woman and if she were to call me today (which for the first time right now I am willing to say out loud to others other than myself: she is never going to do) I would take her back in a heart beat. But I know now that the only person I need other than myself is my daughter. I really felt that I was moving on with my life.



Then the night before I had my first narrative due for my English class I was meeting my sister, Beth (who is a middle school English teacher) down at the same bar Jennifer and I used to go to so that she could proof read my paper. Again I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard, Hello, Mr. Wheeler.



I turned around and there Jennifer was. Every time I see her I cant help but think how beautiful she is. This time was no exception.



She saw that I had been making my own notes on my narrative and offered to help. She is a Science teacher at Merrimack Valley High School, so I accepted her offer. She pointed out some things that I needed to fix. In general she was a big help.



There was another Social Distortion show coming up and I asked her if she was going. She said she wasnt because she was trying to save up some money. I knew that she had been thinking about saving up for a house so I asked her if she was trying to buy one. She paused for a moment looking down at her hand and then showed me it. I looked down and saw the engagement ring on her finger and my heart stopped. All of the memories I had of being with her, holding her and just seeing her came flooding back all at once. I didnt know what to do so I just turned around quickly. As someone had overheard that she was getting married asked her a question, I drained the pint of Guinness I had just bought. Then, partly because I had drunk my beer too fast and mostly because of the shock of what I just found out was taking me over, I almost puked on the bar. I composed myself enough to stand up, curtly said thank you to Jennifer for proofreading my paper and started to leave.



She put her hand on my arm in a way that sent memories of her running through my mind: memories of her touch and being held by her, memories of picking out Halloween costumes, of cooking Thanksgiving dinner, of Christmas shopping and Christmas morning and so many more it overwhelmed me.



She said something that snapped me back to reality. I think it was something to the effect of, It was really good seeing you. I just nodded and started for the door. On the way out I bulled over a guy who was about to take a shot at the pool table. I quickly apologized and ran out. I must have looked utterly ridiculous.



I have since written a letter to her: Dear Jennifer, please don't marry him. I LOVE YOU! I have loved you since I first met you and always will. The personal issues I was dealing with that caused you to break up with me have been dealt with. I have improved my life by leaps and bounds. He may be everything you want, but so now am I and I promise no man could love you more or do as much to make you happy as I will. So again.... please don't marry him. I am sick with the thought of never being with you again. I love you.


Since that night I have felt myself slipping back into my depression. It worries me because it feels worse than it ever has before and because not even going to school smothers the feeling. Im sure I will work through this but it would be so much better if I didnt have to.

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Also I would still like some advice on whether or not I should send the letter i refered to or one like it to Jennifer to let her know how i feel?

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