Dave Attell

Yeah I know who she is.

I love them yeah. If I had enough money I’d get a strip club and only have girls with tats and piercings in it. I think it’s cool. You never see that in strip clubs. They want like the girl next door or something but those girls are cooler.

I get guys. I don’t get any chicks. For every girl there are 100 drunk guys and usually those girls have boyfriends who are afraid to approach me so there’s not too many comedy groupies for me. I guess if I was more attractive because funny doesn’t equal tall.

He’s pretty tall.

They asked me to do it. It’s a cool festival. It’s in Vegas and you get to live out all your Vegas Rat Pack fantasies so it should be good. I’m on the show with Louis CK who is a very funny guy. The other guy is Daniel Tosh who I worked with years ago at the Gator Growl in Florida. He’s a great comic. He’s a really great writer and very prolific.

Yeah, he’s an up and comer. He’s the next big thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I really wish they had let the audience grow. People would have found out about it. The fact that they used the “C” word…

Yeah, the fact that he used the word cunt. That was just, “wow, this is good. Louis is really doing it.” I would have saved that for the Christmas special.

Nah, I don’t have a big enough dick. I would have had a stunt cock do it or I would have shown a picture of a horse.

Well, evidently he thought so. Isn’t that what really penis size is?

Once you have a bit of a name people know what you’re talking about. But years ago when I used to play the hotel casino, there were a lot of people there on the package deal and not so much the hipster crowd. I think they’d come in hoping to see Don Rickles or something like that. I’m a little blue for them. I don’t have enough gambling jokes because that’s really not one of my big addictions. But you’ve got to talk about it a little bit when you’re there.

No, I’d rather drink and go to the strip club and lose money with dignity. But I like craps and blackjack and that kind of stuff. One time early in my career I left my paycheck with the casino. You’re like, “Hey that was a waste.” So you have to learn to budget.

I live in Manhattan. I was going to have to leave but I finally bought a place. But I might have to move out to LA if I want to get anything happening.

Probably, last year I did a pilot for Fox. I want to do more of that kind of stuff. I’ve been on the road for a year and a half now trying to get new material for a DVD. So now I’m pretty close. I want to do a CD and a DVD double release. Hopefully I’ll have that out by the beginning of next year so that was my main focus the last couple of months. I did a little movie work but I have to start doing my own stuff now.

That was Sam Kinison’s thing. I just did that the one time. I asked some girl, “Where’s your boyfriend?” She said, “He couldn’t come.” So I called him at home and everybody laughed. I’m not really a big college act. I’m too old and bitter but kids seem to like it. It’s really cool because usually the crowds are really attentive but unfortunately I’m not political or anything like that so I really am just telling them dick jokes or drunk jokes that they haven’t experienced yet. Since they’re partying they don’t know that drinking can be a problem. I’m like a dose of the future when I show up there.

Yeah. Put you right in the hospital it was so good.

Yeah but I’d like to do more specials, especially overseas or at big events here in the America. But I think Comedy Central just wants series, they don’t want hour specials. So that was the big rub with it. People always ask me where that show is and I’m like, “Well where the fuck were you when it was on?” I was doing interviews every day, all day long for weeks at a time to get people to watch it and then finally I’m like, “Ok, well I don’t want it to get lame and tame. I’m going to quit.” I’m glad people liked it so I wish it could continue on in some form.

I would have loved to have been there at the Saddam Hussein trial. That would have been cool. They should have sold more tickets. I would have liked to have done some more with the troops. I’ve done some USO stuff over in Afghanistan, I wanted to go over to Iraq but they said I was too dirty. I’d also like to do fun events like Burning Man and all that shit. It’s really up to Comedy Central wherever I can hopefully go.

Yeah but everybody has been there. We’ve all seen the hallucinogenic freak show thing.

They don’t. They drink a lot of water; that means ecstasy.

Nah, just a scene here and a scene there. Nothing really, I’m not an actor. I’m hoping to ease myself into it but I’m getting old now so I got to get into it. It’s hard being on the road because you miss all these auditions. Once I get the DVD out I’ll probably get off the road for a bit.

I just want more control over what I do. I’ve been on the road for ten years straight and I’ve been doing comedy for about 19 years. So it would be good to get off the road and do some other things just because it gets harder to produce product on the road. But I know how it is to be a whore for the cash so it’s hard to give up the one thing you’re making money on. I’d like to put out other types of products like movies but I’m not famous or anything, so it’s hard.

Yeah they’ll hook you up with somebody but those are the ideas that never work. It’s probably best when you take something from your life and turn it into a sitcom. The reason Ray Romano’s show was so genius was because that was Ray’s real life. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a sitcom or anything like that. There are a lot of opportunities out there for movies and things like that too.

Yeah, he’s a great comic. I’m sure he’ll figure out something to do. I loved Colin’s show. That broke a lot of comics out that we only knew about really in New York like Patrice O’Neal, Jim Norton and Rich Vos. A lot of them have gone on to do bigger and better things. That’s because of Colin. Everything you saw them doing on the show they used to do at night just talking to each other and putting each other down. The best part of the show was when they would just go at each other.

Doug Stanhope is probably the guy. He just got back from doing some places in England. I think he’s probably the most true to the comedy I like. He’s a guy who really says, “Fuck everybody.” He says what he thinks and he’s viciously funny. I’m surprised he’s not bigger than he is. Here’s a guy who’s been playing, not even clubs, just bars. He decided to go to these bars and just be down and dirty. I’m a bit of a whore so I’d be like, “Well, where’s the money in that?” But he’s just doing it because he wants to do it. He’s the real deal.

Yeah, especially when I’m working to get new material. You’re looking for the joke that’s working and more importantly, the one that’s not. It’s hard to listen to yourself. No comic wants to listen to themselves bombing but that’s the job. I think you learn everything from bombing.

Sometimes I do especially when I’m sick of the material. I’ll be looking for something to happen. I like the thinking outside of the box I put myself in. But I like to kill. I appreciate my audience, they’re usually really good drinkers and comedy fans. I get a little angry when they think I’m more the guy they see on TV instead of a comic that can say anything because then it is like they’ve come to see a character and I’m not a mascot.

Probably yeah, functional though.

No, I don’t drink during the day, I’ve got shit to do. At night I drink but since I’m getting older, it gets to the point where it’s ridiculous hearing about all the shit you did or said or whatever.

No, nobody will pull an intervention on you if you’re making more money than them. Unless your friends think the gravy train is going to end. Like “You’ve got to stop drinking but keep paying my rent.” It’s like everybody’s afraid to mess up the cosmic balance.

Comedy Central didn’t want me drinking so much but then they saw that that sponsorship was there. Then they’re like “Can you drink this?” I was like “all right.” The smoking on stage is hard because some places won’t let you do it. So I’m trying not to smoke on stage but sometimes I’ll just do it because I’m so bored or ramped up from traveling. I’m not proud of that but it seems to be a habit I can’t get rid of.

I like to drink with my friends because going to bars can become a big scene sometimes. I try not to drink and drive. That’s the good thing about living in the city; you can get into the cab. There are a lot of negatives in drinking and a lot of positives to it. But think people have to go out there and find their inner drunk.

Jameson.

I like it chilled. I know you’re not supposed to chill a whiskey but it really tastes good and you can drink a lot of it if you chill it.

by Daniel Robert Epstein

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