When idealizing the future, most people simply assume that by the time they reach their mid-40s they will have settled down into some sort of relationship. The sweaty brows, clammy hands and awkward kisses of first dates will be a thing of the past -- something they will look back on over evening martinis with their significant other and laugh off heartily with a "thank-god-that's-over-with" roll of their eyes. In his new memoir "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single," author Eric Schaeffer, 45, writes frankly about what happens when this idealized future does not come to fruition as soon as one hoped. Schaeffer -- who also directed the films "My Life's In Turnaround" and "If Lucy Fell" -- takes readers through the ins and outs of one New Yorker's experience with love and loss in the big city, creating a personal and illuminating work that never shies from being up front and honest about looking for romance in a decidedly less and less romantic world.
SuicideGirls gave Schaeffer a call to talk about looking for love and what happens when you just can't seem to find it...
Erin Broadley: So how are things going since your book came out?
Eric Schaeffer: Pretty good. Im doing a national book tour that Im actually going to film and make a documentary out of. Basically like, Eric Schaeffer: I Cant Believe Im Still Single from Portland to Portland. I have a friend thats going to get married in Portland, Maine at the end of the month so this documentary is going to be me having dates in almost every city while Im doing this tour about a book that is about me still being single.
EB: Like a self-referential experiment?
ES: Exactly. Its about the whole nature of singledom, how people get hooked up, chemistry, whether theyre happy and why theyre not. Ill end up in Portland, Maine at this wedding where there will be a girl that Ive always had a crush on. So thatll be the bookend.
EB: Have you been doing public readings?
ES: Yeah, Ive been doing readings in New York and theyve been great -- huge and fantastic. Everybody digs it.
EB: Are people rooting for you to get out of the single life?
ES: People have been really nice. Its weird. I didnt expect some of the responses. One being, Wow, so you cant get dates? And Im like, No, of course I can get dates. I can get as many dates as I want I just cant find people I want to have second dates with. So thats the problem. The other response I get is, Oh, you should be less on a mission. You want it too much. And Im like, Listen, Im not on a mission. I just wrote a book about my experiences being single. Im on the hunt in a bad way. In the book, people get the sense that Im just looking for a wife -- that anyone could be my wife. But Im not just looking for a wife; Im looking for someone I can fall in love with and can have a relationship with that can lead to marriage and babies. Just like everyone else! But somehow, by stating it its weird.
EB: Well, women get away with saying that stuff all the time.
ES: Or they dont. Theyre afraid to. They dont want to say it because theyll scare the man off.
EB: But within certain circles -- woman to woman -- thats the shit talked about openly. Like, sharing baby names youve picked out by the end of the first date.
ES: Right. But somehow when you say what everyone else is thinking, people recoil. I wish more people would come out of the woodwork with friends to hook me up with. Thats what I dont understand. I get a certain amount of letters from girls saying, Hey I think youre cool. I definitely want to go out with you. But I thought thered be more after this book. Maybe people are shy. My friends say, Dude, they dont expect you to respond to them. To them, youre like a celebrity. Theyre writing this guy who is in movies and TV shows and wrote a book.
EB: They dont realize how available youre actually making yourself.
ES: Exactly. And its true! Some people write me and dont think its really me. They think I have some secretary.
EB: People think this is some character youve created to promote your work.
ES: Exactly. Ive read that Im supposedly doing an Andy Kaufman thing. Thats over thinking it. I wrote a book, Im very approachable. Ive written to people. I once wrote Sheryl Crow a letter and dropped off my movies at her managers office.
EB: What about the thing with Molly Ringwald?
ES: Well, Molly and I really went out. But Ive never been afraid to just ask for what I want. I figure you go around once in life and although its uncomfortable and scary and it sucks to get rejected, none of that is as bad as staring at your ceiling at night, wondering and knowing that you didnt have the guts to try. That really sucks.
EB: Yeah, thats really not something youll ever get to brag about or tell stories about later. Even if you get rejected, you still have an experience to talk about and a story to tell. If you dont try, youve got nothing.
ES: Exactly. I forget who said this quote--and Im not even getting it right--but Ive always loved the quote thats something along the lines of, Success in life is moving gracefully from heartache to heartache and not letting it get you down. Basically thats it. It preaches a philosophy that life is difficult and not supposed to be easy but if you can make it from one thing to the next and dont let it break your spirit or reflect on your self-esteem then youre okay.
EB: So what ended up happening with the letter to Sheryl Crow?
ES: Well, Im in love with her music and I think shes hot and I figured I might as well. I wrote her a letter (laughs) basically saying I though she was hot -- in probably more charming words than that -- and left it with a copy of If Lucy Fell at her managers office but unfortunately never heard back. I think a lot of people assume thats how it is if they write me. Obviously Im not anywhere near as famous as Sheryl Crow but in my own little corner of the celebrity totem pole, theres not much of a distinction.
EB: They might get the wrong impression because of that celebrity that youre not interested in the common girl.
ES: Thats exactly right. And when I do respond to these women sometimes I find that they wanted to keep me a fantasy. When I become real I become not as interesting to them or they freak out and think that theyre not worthy.
EB: People end up loathing you for the same reasons they love you.
ES: Yes! And its a tough pill to swallow because it feels good and I get lulled into thinking they really dig me and that Im so cool and then when something happens and I become human they can turn really quickly. So Ive had to be careful with that.
EB: What are some of the challenges youve come across as a writer when it comes to taking your personal experiences and putting it out there for the world? Are there different challenges writing for film than there were for this book?
ES: Well, there were two things that were very different about writing movies and writing this book. Even though some of my movies are thinly veiled autobiographical stories, they are still about a character. Its a different name. But this book is not; this book is about Eric Schaeffer. I didnt think it would make that big a difference, but it does. Its more naked to stand out there without pretense. This is my life, whereas in movies I can always say some of its true and some of its not. I wasnt expecting to feel this exposed. Thats been a unique experience to adjust to.
The other thing about movies, when I write the screenplay I have two more bites at the apple -- shooting the film and then editing. I try to write the screenplay as I see the film being but it comes to life in the filming and casting of it. Then I can mold and shape it in editing. It takes on a life of its own after the initial writing process. The writing process is almost like the birth of the baby and then as it grows up it gets all these adjustments from its environment and its growth period. Whereas in the book, I finished the first draft and was like, Wait a minute, this is all there is? If I hand this in now, they just read this? Theres no second or third bite to take to change it. I know it seems obvious but it was very surprising for me. So I spent a lot more time writing this book even though Im very fast and the whole thing only still took five months.
EB: What parts of the book are you focusing on when it comes to your public readings?
ES: (Laughs) Well it depends a little bit on my audience. Generally if Im in a Barnes & Noble Im not going to read the dominatrix stuff, as much as thats near and dear to my heart. But if I went on Howard Stern then obviously I would talk about that. At Barnes & Noble and even independent bookshops where its a more mainstream public venue, I usually read the introduction, which talks about my mental makeup and introduces the character of April who I date throughout the whole book. It sets up the dating dynamic and sets up my -- at times -- crazy mind and the way I think about things.
EB: I loved the beginning where you write about how at one-year-old you were blown across the room trying to perform cunnilingus on an electrical socket. I thought that was a great way to set the tone.
ES: Yeah, I usually read that part and then the Internet dating chapter -- the Nerve.com-whoring chapter, because I think that sort of sets the tone for all of my dating exploits in a nutshell. Blind dates and fix ups and how awful that can be and the Internet dating where I was trying to become number one on a dating website, which is kind of tragically great.
EB: On the cover of your book is a personal ad. What out of all the different dating methods you tried ended up being the seediest or least worth it?
ES: The cover of the book is a mock personal ad. I never really did one of those. I figured the Internet has made them obsolete. The Internet is a personal ad venue for modern times. I found that everything other than just meeting someone in the grocery store or on the street started to get a little sketchy. The Internet is a perfectly great way to meet people but I just started to get a little obsessed with it. It can start to take the place of going for walks down Broadway where you could actually meet a real live girl walking down the street. I definitely have a proclivity towards sexual addiction. It doesnt rule my life but if Im a little lonely and its 1 AM and Im earnestly on the Internet looking for a girl I can date but someone kind of pops up thats open to just hooking up, I can go that way. Everyone has their own morale about whats sketchy and seedy but it just started to guide me away and down a path that wasnt where I wanted to be going.
EB: Youre from New York and I think a lot of your work really reflects the idea of living and loving in a big city. What do you think is so hard about finding love in the big city as compared to small towns? It seems that with so many people crammed into such a small area that your chances of meeting someone would be higher.
ES: I know, its so true and thats a really good question. Ive thought about that a lot because Ive spent a lot of time in rural Vermont where I have a house and everyone knows everybody else. And the thing about a big city I find, first of all I dont drink, smoke, do drugs and Im not terribly social so I dont really go out to a lot of parties and hang out with big groups of people. That certainly cuts down my chances right there and it takes a lot of women out of the pool. Also, in the city theres a ton of people but its almost an extroverted isolationism. It almost starts to make you feel even more pathetic that
EB: That theres so many people right there within your reach but you still cant make it happen?
ES: Yeah like, How the fuck can I live in NYC and be relatively good looking and relatively successful and relatively funny and nice and not have a girlfriend?
EB: Is that what you would describe as the plight of the regular guy?
ES: Yeah, because thats what I am. People think when they read the book that Im outlandish and doing all these crazy things but thats not how I live my life every day. Its a fucking book. Im entertaining and Im going to put in some of the highlights.
EB: Yeah, no one wants to read about the day you got up and changed your socks.
ES: (Laughs) Exactly. So there are a lot more people in the big city, there are people who are really great and friendly but theyre very motivated and they have their blinders on. Theyre going from point A to point B really quickly and theres no time for bullshit. We have so much data flying at us that in order to make it through your day you have to have blinders on to make it through. But at some point you have to be able to turn that off to reach out and say hello. In small towns people are probably more approachable but the downside is that you already know the six available girls in the town.
EB: Yeah, and your best friend has already dated three of them.
ES: And if you like them but theyre not for you then what are you going to do? Go to the next town?
EB: Do you think driving a cab for so many years helped inform your storytelling abilities and how you observe people? Cabbies in NY hear more crazy stuff than priests do.
ES: The thing about being in the cab is that Im such a voyeur and I love people watching. Being on the streets of NY for 10 hours a day as a cab driver, you get this bizarre treatment of anonymity. It was a lovely time where I could just sort of watch and gather life experience.
EB: Its been 10 years since If Lucy Fell came out. In that time, have there been any major changes in the way you view your romantic exploits?
ES: Thats a unique and different question. I work hard at evolving as a human being so in 10 years -- from 35 to 45 -- a lot has happened. The main thing thats changed is Ive opened up -- not by intention necessarily -- but my physical parameters of whats attractive to me have massively opened up. Now I find myself being physically attracted to all different kinds of women. Thats been a big change for me physically and sexually. Emotionally, I spent time doing the Hollywood glamorous life in the fast lane and that was really fun to explore. But now, Ive done that so I wouldnt be seduced in any way by a hankering that I need to live life in the Hollywood supermodel world. Now it doesnt matter if a woman is a supermodel or a waitress. Im lucky in that I satiated that itch and that need to experience that in my life. Now Im more wide open about what I find attractive physically and emotionally.
EB: Your book is more than just a list of love interests. You include a lot of stuff that just sets the mood and informs your personality and it makes sense when you put it all togetherlike the part where you discuss getting banned for life from Conan OBrien and then eventually it all comes back around to what happened with Liza, your ex-fianc. Its a pretty surreal story.
ES: Yeah, I know. I love how bizarre and serendipitous life can be. That situation was just weird. [Conan and I] had this great interview, Id been on his show before and, when I went to get back on again, the word was that apparently Id been so abrasive and confrontational that he never wanted to have me on again. I was confused because I thought we had just had some witty, sparring repertoire. I thought it was all in good fun. I was shocked when after I had been on twice I wasnt allowed back. So then I filed that away and then the bizarre, freakish coincidence that my ex ended up with him shortly after we broke up. It was just another in a series of, Huh?!
EB: You cant make stories like that up, man.
ES: I know, I know. And you know what? Listen, Im glad theyre together. We werent meant to be. So God bless her, I hope theyre happy. Its just a bizarre situation. Ive seen him one time since. It was so weird. I was waiting to get on a plane a couple years ago and he came walking up to the terminal. Ill never forget it. He saw me from 100 feet away and his eyes lit up. I was the last person in line so he got right behind me. I looked at him, he looked at me. I didnt say a word. He didnt say a word. But I got this really interesting sense, like a really nice vibe, that was odd to me and took me completely by surprise. I felt this nice bonding vibe. This was just my vibe, I could be totally wrong but I felt a very conciliatory bonding human vibe from him that was very moving for me. But that was the end of it.
EB: A nice little bookend.
ES: Yeah, it was interesting to me. And I hope Im right but maybe it was just my projection. That was my experience of it. Maybe I was just projecting my desire of wanting everybody to be friends.
EB: So youve got this book out and the upcoming documentary. Any other TV or film projects in the works?
ES: Yeah, I sold the idea for a TV show based on the book to Showtime so Im waiting to find out from them if thats going to be a show. That would be really cool. Im really looking forward to that.
EB: Off the top of your head, what are your top deal breakers in a relationship?
ES: My top deal breakers are: if they dont want to have kids in their life, if they are active drug addicts or alcoholics or smoke, and lastly if theyre not on some sort of emotional/spiritual/psychological path of recovery. They have to know that theyre fucked, like we all are, know that its okay and that theres a way out. If theyre in denial and think that theyve survived this reality and are still psychologically intact then thats the scariestthats when I turn and run (laughs). The ones that seem perfect on the outside, like theyve got it all together -- forget about it. Because theres no way.
Go to www.icantbelieveimstillsingle.com for more information. "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" is out now and available via Thunder's Mouth Press. Look for Eric Schaeffer when he stops through your town on his national book tour, dates listed below.
Book Tour:
San Diego CA, July 26th, 7 pm. Barnes and Noble (Mira Mesa)
Portland OR, August 1st, 7:30pm. 23rd Avenue Books
Seattle WA, August 2nd, 7 pm. Third Place Books
Boise ID, August 3rd, 7 pm. Rediscovered Bookshop
Los Angeles CA, August 6th, 7:30 pm. Barnes And Noble (3rd Street Prominade, Santa Monica)
Denver, August 9th, 7:30 pm, Tattered Cover Book Store.
Boston MA, Sept. 12th, 7 pm. Boston University Bookstore
Boston MA, Sept. 13th, 7 pm. Harvard Coop
Dartmouth NH, Sept 14th, 7 pm. Dartmouth Bookstore
Atlanta GA, Sept 20th, 5:30 pm. Georgia Tech bookstore
Williamsburg VA, Sept. 22nd, 1 pm. William and Mary Bookstore
SuicideGirls gave Schaeffer a call to talk about looking for love and what happens when you just can't seem to find it...
Erin Broadley: So how are things going since your book came out?
Eric Schaeffer: Pretty good. Im doing a national book tour that Im actually going to film and make a documentary out of. Basically like, Eric Schaeffer: I Cant Believe Im Still Single from Portland to Portland. I have a friend thats going to get married in Portland, Maine at the end of the month so this documentary is going to be me having dates in almost every city while Im doing this tour about a book that is about me still being single.
EB: Like a self-referential experiment?
ES: Exactly. Its about the whole nature of singledom, how people get hooked up, chemistry, whether theyre happy and why theyre not. Ill end up in Portland, Maine at this wedding where there will be a girl that Ive always had a crush on. So thatll be the bookend.
EB: Have you been doing public readings?
ES: Yeah, Ive been doing readings in New York and theyve been great -- huge and fantastic. Everybody digs it.
EB: Are people rooting for you to get out of the single life?
ES: People have been really nice. Its weird. I didnt expect some of the responses. One being, Wow, so you cant get dates? And Im like, No, of course I can get dates. I can get as many dates as I want I just cant find people I want to have second dates with. So thats the problem. The other response I get is, Oh, you should be less on a mission. You want it too much. And Im like, Listen, Im not on a mission. I just wrote a book about my experiences being single. Im on the hunt in a bad way. In the book, people get the sense that Im just looking for a wife -- that anyone could be my wife. But Im not just looking for a wife; Im looking for someone I can fall in love with and can have a relationship with that can lead to marriage and babies. Just like everyone else! But somehow, by stating it its weird.
EB: Well, women get away with saying that stuff all the time.
ES: Or they dont. Theyre afraid to. They dont want to say it because theyll scare the man off.
EB: But within certain circles -- woman to woman -- thats the shit talked about openly. Like, sharing baby names youve picked out by the end of the first date.
ES: Right. But somehow when you say what everyone else is thinking, people recoil. I wish more people would come out of the woodwork with friends to hook me up with. Thats what I dont understand. I get a certain amount of letters from girls saying, Hey I think youre cool. I definitely want to go out with you. But I thought thered be more after this book. Maybe people are shy. My friends say, Dude, they dont expect you to respond to them. To them, youre like a celebrity. Theyre writing this guy who is in movies and TV shows and wrote a book.
EB: They dont realize how available youre actually making yourself.
ES: Exactly. And its true! Some people write me and dont think its really me. They think I have some secretary.
EB: People think this is some character youve created to promote your work.
ES: Exactly. Ive read that Im supposedly doing an Andy Kaufman thing. Thats over thinking it. I wrote a book, Im very approachable. Ive written to people. I once wrote Sheryl Crow a letter and dropped off my movies at her managers office.
EB: What about the thing with Molly Ringwald?
ES: Well, Molly and I really went out. But Ive never been afraid to just ask for what I want. I figure you go around once in life and although its uncomfortable and scary and it sucks to get rejected, none of that is as bad as staring at your ceiling at night, wondering and knowing that you didnt have the guts to try. That really sucks.
EB: Yeah, thats really not something youll ever get to brag about or tell stories about later. Even if you get rejected, you still have an experience to talk about and a story to tell. If you dont try, youve got nothing.
ES: Exactly. I forget who said this quote--and Im not even getting it right--but Ive always loved the quote thats something along the lines of, Success in life is moving gracefully from heartache to heartache and not letting it get you down. Basically thats it. It preaches a philosophy that life is difficult and not supposed to be easy but if you can make it from one thing to the next and dont let it break your spirit or reflect on your self-esteem then youre okay.
EB: So what ended up happening with the letter to Sheryl Crow?
ES: Well, Im in love with her music and I think shes hot and I figured I might as well. I wrote her a letter (laughs) basically saying I though she was hot -- in probably more charming words than that -- and left it with a copy of If Lucy Fell at her managers office but unfortunately never heard back. I think a lot of people assume thats how it is if they write me. Obviously Im not anywhere near as famous as Sheryl Crow but in my own little corner of the celebrity totem pole, theres not much of a distinction.
EB: They might get the wrong impression because of that celebrity that youre not interested in the common girl.
ES: Thats exactly right. And when I do respond to these women sometimes I find that they wanted to keep me a fantasy. When I become real I become not as interesting to them or they freak out and think that theyre not worthy.
EB: People end up loathing you for the same reasons they love you.
ES: Yes! And its a tough pill to swallow because it feels good and I get lulled into thinking they really dig me and that Im so cool and then when something happens and I become human they can turn really quickly. So Ive had to be careful with that.
EB: What are some of the challenges youve come across as a writer when it comes to taking your personal experiences and putting it out there for the world? Are there different challenges writing for film than there were for this book?
ES: Well, there were two things that were very different about writing movies and writing this book. Even though some of my movies are thinly veiled autobiographical stories, they are still about a character. Its a different name. But this book is not; this book is about Eric Schaeffer. I didnt think it would make that big a difference, but it does. Its more naked to stand out there without pretense. This is my life, whereas in movies I can always say some of its true and some of its not. I wasnt expecting to feel this exposed. Thats been a unique experience to adjust to.
The other thing about movies, when I write the screenplay I have two more bites at the apple -- shooting the film and then editing. I try to write the screenplay as I see the film being but it comes to life in the filming and casting of it. Then I can mold and shape it in editing. It takes on a life of its own after the initial writing process. The writing process is almost like the birth of the baby and then as it grows up it gets all these adjustments from its environment and its growth period. Whereas in the book, I finished the first draft and was like, Wait a minute, this is all there is? If I hand this in now, they just read this? Theres no second or third bite to take to change it. I know it seems obvious but it was very surprising for me. So I spent a lot more time writing this book even though Im very fast and the whole thing only still took five months.
EB: What parts of the book are you focusing on when it comes to your public readings?
ES: (Laughs) Well it depends a little bit on my audience. Generally if Im in a Barnes & Noble Im not going to read the dominatrix stuff, as much as thats near and dear to my heart. But if I went on Howard Stern then obviously I would talk about that. At Barnes & Noble and even independent bookshops where its a more mainstream public venue, I usually read the introduction, which talks about my mental makeup and introduces the character of April who I date throughout the whole book. It sets up the dating dynamic and sets up my -- at times -- crazy mind and the way I think about things.
EB: I loved the beginning where you write about how at one-year-old you were blown across the room trying to perform cunnilingus on an electrical socket. I thought that was a great way to set the tone.
ES: Yeah, I usually read that part and then the Internet dating chapter -- the Nerve.com-whoring chapter, because I think that sort of sets the tone for all of my dating exploits in a nutshell. Blind dates and fix ups and how awful that can be and the Internet dating where I was trying to become number one on a dating website, which is kind of tragically great.
EB: On the cover of your book is a personal ad. What out of all the different dating methods you tried ended up being the seediest or least worth it?
ES: The cover of the book is a mock personal ad. I never really did one of those. I figured the Internet has made them obsolete. The Internet is a personal ad venue for modern times. I found that everything other than just meeting someone in the grocery store or on the street started to get a little sketchy. The Internet is a perfectly great way to meet people but I just started to get a little obsessed with it. It can start to take the place of going for walks down Broadway where you could actually meet a real live girl walking down the street. I definitely have a proclivity towards sexual addiction. It doesnt rule my life but if Im a little lonely and its 1 AM and Im earnestly on the Internet looking for a girl I can date but someone kind of pops up thats open to just hooking up, I can go that way. Everyone has their own morale about whats sketchy and seedy but it just started to guide me away and down a path that wasnt where I wanted to be going.
EB: Youre from New York and I think a lot of your work really reflects the idea of living and loving in a big city. What do you think is so hard about finding love in the big city as compared to small towns? It seems that with so many people crammed into such a small area that your chances of meeting someone would be higher.
ES: I know, its so true and thats a really good question. Ive thought about that a lot because Ive spent a lot of time in rural Vermont where I have a house and everyone knows everybody else. And the thing about a big city I find, first of all I dont drink, smoke, do drugs and Im not terribly social so I dont really go out to a lot of parties and hang out with big groups of people. That certainly cuts down my chances right there and it takes a lot of women out of the pool. Also, in the city theres a ton of people but its almost an extroverted isolationism. It almost starts to make you feel even more pathetic that
EB: That theres so many people right there within your reach but you still cant make it happen?
ES: Yeah like, How the fuck can I live in NYC and be relatively good looking and relatively successful and relatively funny and nice and not have a girlfriend?
EB: Is that what you would describe as the plight of the regular guy?
ES: Yeah, because thats what I am. People think when they read the book that Im outlandish and doing all these crazy things but thats not how I live my life every day. Its a fucking book. Im entertaining and Im going to put in some of the highlights.
EB: Yeah, no one wants to read about the day you got up and changed your socks.
ES: (Laughs) Exactly. So there are a lot more people in the big city, there are people who are really great and friendly but theyre very motivated and they have their blinders on. Theyre going from point A to point B really quickly and theres no time for bullshit. We have so much data flying at us that in order to make it through your day you have to have blinders on to make it through. But at some point you have to be able to turn that off to reach out and say hello. In small towns people are probably more approachable but the downside is that you already know the six available girls in the town.
EB: Yeah, and your best friend has already dated three of them.
ES: And if you like them but theyre not for you then what are you going to do? Go to the next town?
EB: Do you think driving a cab for so many years helped inform your storytelling abilities and how you observe people? Cabbies in NY hear more crazy stuff than priests do.
ES: The thing about being in the cab is that Im such a voyeur and I love people watching. Being on the streets of NY for 10 hours a day as a cab driver, you get this bizarre treatment of anonymity. It was a lovely time where I could just sort of watch and gather life experience.
EB: Its been 10 years since If Lucy Fell came out. In that time, have there been any major changes in the way you view your romantic exploits?
ES: Thats a unique and different question. I work hard at evolving as a human being so in 10 years -- from 35 to 45 -- a lot has happened. The main thing thats changed is Ive opened up -- not by intention necessarily -- but my physical parameters of whats attractive to me have massively opened up. Now I find myself being physically attracted to all different kinds of women. Thats been a big change for me physically and sexually. Emotionally, I spent time doing the Hollywood glamorous life in the fast lane and that was really fun to explore. But now, Ive done that so I wouldnt be seduced in any way by a hankering that I need to live life in the Hollywood supermodel world. Now it doesnt matter if a woman is a supermodel or a waitress. Im lucky in that I satiated that itch and that need to experience that in my life. Now Im more wide open about what I find attractive physically and emotionally.
EB: Your book is more than just a list of love interests. You include a lot of stuff that just sets the mood and informs your personality and it makes sense when you put it all togetherlike the part where you discuss getting banned for life from Conan OBrien and then eventually it all comes back around to what happened with Liza, your ex-fianc. Its a pretty surreal story.
ES: Yeah, I know. I love how bizarre and serendipitous life can be. That situation was just weird. [Conan and I] had this great interview, Id been on his show before and, when I went to get back on again, the word was that apparently Id been so abrasive and confrontational that he never wanted to have me on again. I was confused because I thought we had just had some witty, sparring repertoire. I thought it was all in good fun. I was shocked when after I had been on twice I wasnt allowed back. So then I filed that away and then the bizarre, freakish coincidence that my ex ended up with him shortly after we broke up. It was just another in a series of, Huh?!
EB: You cant make stories like that up, man.
ES: I know, I know. And you know what? Listen, Im glad theyre together. We werent meant to be. So God bless her, I hope theyre happy. Its just a bizarre situation. Ive seen him one time since. It was so weird. I was waiting to get on a plane a couple years ago and he came walking up to the terminal. Ill never forget it. He saw me from 100 feet away and his eyes lit up. I was the last person in line so he got right behind me. I looked at him, he looked at me. I didnt say a word. He didnt say a word. But I got this really interesting sense, like a really nice vibe, that was odd to me and took me completely by surprise. I felt this nice bonding vibe. This was just my vibe, I could be totally wrong but I felt a very conciliatory bonding human vibe from him that was very moving for me. But that was the end of it.
EB: A nice little bookend.
ES: Yeah, it was interesting to me. And I hope Im right but maybe it was just my projection. That was my experience of it. Maybe I was just projecting my desire of wanting everybody to be friends.
EB: So youve got this book out and the upcoming documentary. Any other TV or film projects in the works?
ES: Yeah, I sold the idea for a TV show based on the book to Showtime so Im waiting to find out from them if thats going to be a show. That would be really cool. Im really looking forward to that.
EB: Off the top of your head, what are your top deal breakers in a relationship?
ES: My top deal breakers are: if they dont want to have kids in their life, if they are active drug addicts or alcoholics or smoke, and lastly if theyre not on some sort of emotional/spiritual/psychological path of recovery. They have to know that theyre fucked, like we all are, know that its okay and that theres a way out. If theyre in denial and think that theyve survived this reality and are still psychologically intact then thats the scariestthats when I turn and run (laughs). The ones that seem perfect on the outside, like theyve got it all together -- forget about it. Because theres no way.
Go to www.icantbelieveimstillsingle.com for more information. "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" is out now and available via Thunder's Mouth Press. Look for Eric Schaeffer when he stops through your town on his national book tour, dates listed below.
Book Tour:
San Diego CA, July 26th, 7 pm. Barnes and Noble (Mira Mesa)
Portland OR, August 1st, 7:30pm. 23rd Avenue Books
Seattle WA, August 2nd, 7 pm. Third Place Books
Boise ID, August 3rd, 7 pm. Rediscovered Bookshop
Los Angeles CA, August 6th, 7:30 pm. Barnes And Noble (3rd Street Prominade, Santa Monica)
Denver, August 9th, 7:30 pm, Tattered Cover Book Store.
Boston MA, Sept. 12th, 7 pm. Boston University Bookstore
Boston MA, Sept. 13th, 7 pm. Harvard Coop
Dartmouth NH, Sept 14th, 7 pm. Dartmouth Bookstore
Atlanta GA, Sept 20th, 5:30 pm. Georgia Tech bookstore
Williamsburg VA, Sept. 22nd, 1 pm. William and Mary Bookstore
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
After reading that interview I don't feel quite alone in this shitty world of dating!!
Why, oh why, is it so difficult? You think it's difficult in New York, you should try Vancouver!!
Thanks Eric for making me feel that much better about myself, and a little more hopeful!!