Jim Norton
by Daniel Robert Epstein for SuicideGirls (http://suicidegirls.com/)

AVN magazine needed a dirty bastard of a comedian to host the AVN Awards, which honor exceptional performance in making porno movies, who better than the dirtiest bastard of them, standup comedian Jim Norton. This is the second time that Norton is hosting, I suppose he learned everything he needed from his 2004 co-host Jenna Jameson. I’ve heard at least a half hour of porno related standup material from Jim Norton so I’m sure he will kill. I got a chance to talk with Norton about the awards show, the cancellation of Lucky Louie and the new thing that’s getting him off.

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Daniel Robert Epstein: What are you up to today?

Jim Norton: Nothing, I just got back from work and I’m downloading some porn then I’m going to take a nap.

DRE: [laughs] What porn?

Jim: Just regular porn, I’m on this site called Clips for Sale. I like the amateur stuff because I get bored with the pro stuff since I see it all the time. So I like the amateur stuff. I’ve been on a handjob kick lately. All I want to watch is fucking handjobs and I don’t know why.

DRE: That’s so bizarre.

Jim: It’s mild. I don’t know why I like it. I think I’m such a pervert that I’ve gone full circle. I’ve already watched chicks shit on people. So now I need handjobs. I need a movie that is really pleasant and normal.

DRE: Is it all amateur handjobs?

Jim: Yeah and they have really bad setups and bad storylines. I’m watching one now, the lady walks in with a short skirt going, “Hi I’m the doctor.” She just wants to check the guy’s prostate and jerk him off. It is really hot.

DRE: There’s nothing like a prostate exam to really turn someone on.

Jim: I’ve never gotten one but I’m sure it’s a lot of fun.

DRE: How old are you?

Jim: 38.

DRE: You got to get one.

Jim: I know. Eventually I will. I’ve had a doctor do a quick check but I’ve never had a chick do it to me sexually.

DRE: We’re talking about are the AVN Awards which you’ve hosted before.

Jim: I hosted with Jenna Jameson in 2004.

DRE: Is AVN a lot of fun?

Jim: A great gig, a lot of hot chicks. It’s depressing though because I didn’t get laid after the fucking awards. It’s a fun thing to do because there’s all that great pussy in the room but I didn’t get any of it. None of them would fuck me and it really put me in my place.

DRE: Why wouldn’t they fuck you?

Jim: Why would they? They really won’t even look at me. I was amusing and they enjoyed the show but that’s never ever translated to me getting laid.

DRE: Well some people tell me there are comedy groupies and then other people tell me that it is mostly dudes.

Jim: Any chick groupies either have been molested or they are 400 pounds. The fucking musicians get all the hot pussy, we get nothing. We get the scraps. It’s really awful.

DRE: But have you had sex with a 400 pound groupie?

Jim: I prefer the victims of repressed memories. They’re always more fun. They have a psychotic episode when you’re driving back to your apartment.

DRE: [laughs] What’s the AVN awards room smell like?

Jim: It smelled like perfume. The chicks were hot man, they were all dressed up. It’s a really good event. They show nude clips and stuff but they don’t show any hardcore clips. It’s run like any other award show. If they win something like best anal or best something they come up and make a real acceptance speech. It’s actually more organized than you think it would be.

DRE: They probably pay you pretty good.

Jim: They pay okay, believe me I love porn. They don’t pay great.

DRE: Do you do all your porn material there?

Jim: Some of it, I don’t do any cheesy porn jokes. If you do that corny porn music joke stuff, they’re going to fucking hate you. Like, “Hey you ever notice the music in a porno?” They’re going to fucking spit on you for that one. You got to bring something original. They’ve heard all the porn jokes and shit.

DRE: Is it cool meeting the porn stars that you’ve been jerking off to for years?

Jim: Absolutely. My opening line when I did the awards show was, “This is the first time I’m seeing a lot of you without a finger up my ass.” It was really fucking cool to meet the chicks that I’ve been jacking off to my whole life and meeting the guys was cool too.

DRE: Do the porno guys have frosted hair and all that shit?

Jim: No, the darker hair look is in now, not a whole lot of the fucking Bobby Wheeler from Taxi look. They really impress me because they fuck for a living. I’ve watched them make movies and it really is awe-inspiring when you watch these guys work.

DRE: Do any non-porn people show up?

Jim: They always have non-porn guys there like Gene Simmons is presenting this year. Vince Neil is always there.

DRE: Do you give out any awards?

Jim: No, for what? Most misshapen body? Longest time to achieve an erection on film? I’m completely unqualified to do what they do.

DRE: Do you remember the first porn you ever saw?

Jim: Yes, it was called The Fur Trap with Kelly Mink. It was in the early 80’s. It was a really low budget bad one.

DRE: [laughs] You should seek it out.

Jim: I would love to find it.

DRE: Do they have awards for amateur stuff?

Jim: Yeah, I think they do. I’m not sure.

DRE: Like least noticeable caesarean scar?

Jim: I think girls with C-scars aren’t going to be getting film work much less wining shit. If you’re a fucking mess, you’re getting nothing.

DRE: I really loved Lucky Louie.

Jim: Thank you.

DRE: The first two episodes weren’t so hot then it got really good.

Jim: It tended to grow on people after a while.

DRE: Was there a feeling that the show wasn’t doing as well as HBO wanted it to?

Jim: No, we actually did really good. We got a lot of people watching but the critics didn’t like us and I think that’s what hurt us.

DRE: The critics hated Arliss too and that was on for years and years.

Did you have a good time working on Lucky Louie?

Jim: I absolutely loved it. I was really bummed out when it got cancelled.

DRE: Are you and Louis CK friends?

Jim: I love Louie. He’s a good friend. I haven’t seen him in a little while but we get along good.

DRE: Do you know if he’s going to try to bring Lucky Louie to another cable network?

Jim: I have no idea. If he does I certainly hope he includes me in it. Louie’s a brilliant comic. He shot a special for HBO. It looks like I’m shooting an hour special for HBO. So things are happening.

DRE: Will you do another comedy album with the special?

Jim: I haven’t signed anything yet. I’m going to have to find out a lot of the details. I would love to. I’d do whatever they wanted to do.

DRE: Did you help write your own stuff on Lucky Louie?

Jim: The writers were really good, man. But a lot of the times you do the same joke in front of an audience you have to retake something so a lot of times we would just come up with lines. They would keep a lot of lines we would come up with in rehearsal or on the spot. The writers were really cool. They weren’t babies about it. If there was something you wanted to try they were very cool in letting you try it. It was the best environment I ever worked in.

DRE: So I look at your head and it looks like you could grow a full head of hair.

Jim: Oh I absolutely can. I have really bad cowlicks. I like to keep it short. Shaving it and keeping it short is just easier.

DRE: What else are you working on?

Jim: I got a book deal from Simon & Schuster hopefully to come out by the summer. I have to be done with it the middle of January. Looks like an hour for HBO and also the porn awards and I do Opie & Anthony five days a week here in New York.

DRE: Do you think you will stick with Opie & Anthony or do you want your own show?

Jim: Nah man, I love doing it with them. I don’t have any desire to do my own show. I’m just too fucking lazy to do my own show.

DRE: What’s the book going to be about?

Jim: A bunch of stuff that is from blogs and a lot of my hooker stories and my fucking perv stories. I’m really looking forward to writing this book.

DRE: Have you got a good hooker story you can tell me?

Jim: Well, I remember one time when I was 20 getting blown and I was rubbing a girl’s back and all of a sudden I realized this was quite a big back for a girl. It was a fucking tranny and I had no idea. I realized it was a big, sweaty back and that it was a guy.

DRE: What did you do?

Jim: I tried to finish but couldn’t and then I just fucking said “Oh shit” and just left. What are you going to do? I didn’t want to get stabbed with a boxcutter so I left it at that.

DRE: I’m assuming it was a really good looking tranny.

Jim: Yeah, it was pretty passable from what I remember.

DRE: [laughs] What about hookers now?

Jim: I have a girlfriend now, so I can’t. Unfortunately she’s not into it, but if she was, believe me I’d certainly partake.

DRE: Have you been with her very long?

Jim: No, we’re brand new. We’ve been friends for a long time. It is going good, surprisingly well. I don’t know where it’ll end up but so far, so good. I’m sure I’ll fuck it up somehow, though. I haven’t managed to yet.

DRE: How do you usually fuck up your relationships?

Jim: Just I have no ability to be intimate at all. So I wind up fucking either cheating or becoming fucking emotionally distant or I kill them. Let’s go with the best way out, when you get bored with someone just kill them.

DRE: I saw you did a voice for that video game Bully.

Jim: Yeah, that’s getting protested too.

DRE: Have you played it yet?

Jim: Nah, I don’t play video games I just loved doing that because a friend of mine works for Rockstar [Games].

DRE: Was the dialogue you had to read really crazy stuff?

Jim: It wasn’t that weird. It’s nothing odder than I say on stage. It was just funny. I loved thinking that it was going into a fucking video game, that made me happy.

DRE: Do you have any tattoos?

Jim: I did my knuckles when I was 15 but I have no tattoos.

DRE: Have you ever seen a Jim Norton tattoo?

Jim: No, but I would love to have someone get my name tattooed on them.

DRE: What’s the next level of porn that you want to see?

Jim: I don’t know, man. I’ve seen everything you can see except for barbaric stuff like kiddie porn. I don’t want to see any of that shit. But who doesn’t like a good horse fuck video, what am I a communist? We’ve all seen someone gag on a horse cock and we’ve had a few laughs. So I would have to say more stuff involving horses because you have to respect the horse.

DRE: Have you met a girl that’s ever blown a horse?

Jim: Not to my knowledge. That’s not the thing they’re going to fucking brag about it. They’re usually real close-lipped about that.

DRE: They seem to really enjoy it when they’re blowing the horse.

Jim: They certainly do and so does the horse. I love the fact that the horse doesn’t warn them. They just back up, shake and then they blast them in the face and he’s fucking finished. Horses are fucking brutal.

DRE: It’s like Double Dare when they’re covered in horse cum.

Jim: [laughs] Yeah, horses really release a lovely load, you have to respect the horse.

by Daniel Robert Epstein

SG Username: AndersWolleck

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/Jim+Norton/