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Nov 27, 2012

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Saturday

AUGUST 25, 2012 @ 03:10 PM | 14 COMMENTS

First things first, video of me practicing some basic hoop tricks!

(Expand blog to see video)

It's been a fun, but not so eventful summer. I went to Atlantic City a couple times, and a couple festivals.. But overall, I haven't traveled nearly as much as I'm used to. Although, I did finally get to see a sunset on the Pacific Ocean for the first time when I went to California. Also got to hang out poolside with 3 guys from the US Olympic Volleyball team.

Life isn't bad, but I feel like every day is a constant struggle to be happy.. Which is weird for me, because I'm generally a happy person and even when I'm not, it's not hard for me to suck it up, put a smile on my face, and keep trucking. I am after all, an Aquarius.
I'm becoming more and more detached from reality, from people. My friends are all growing up, getting married and popping out babies. It almost happened to me last summer, but sadly, it wasn't the right time and I lost the baby in October. My friends are all growing up around me, and I'm stuck in my own personal limbo hell. I have plans for my next steps in life, but I can't make any moves until next year.
I've met so many awesome people throughout the years.. But I haven't really connected and made any deep bonds or friendships. I find myself keeping people at a casual distance.. Like if I don't let them close, they can't hurt me. But I'm only hurting myself. I've always been independent, and enjoyed doing things alone, but anymore I feel so lonely.
The good that's come of that is that I've been focused on self improvement.. And self discovery/creation. But even long lasting close friendships have suffered. It's been hard for me to keep in touch. Mainly because I hate small talk. Also, I'm finding it harder even to communicate with people. Maybe I'm developing some kind of social anxiety. I still love meeting new people, but I never let it go...

First things first, video of me practicing some basic hoop tricks!

It's been a fun, but not so eventful summer. I went to Atlantic City a couple times, and a couple festivals.. But overall, I haven't traveled nearly as much as I'm used to. Although, I did finally get to see a sunset on the Pacific Ocean for the first time when I went to California. Also got to hang out poolside with 3 guys from the US Olympic Volleyball team.

Life isn't bad, but I feel like every day is a constant struggle to be happy.. Which is weird for me, because I'm generally a happy person and even when I'm not, it's not hard for me to suck it up, put a smile on my face, and keep trucking. I am after all, an Aquarius.
I'm becoming more and more detached from reality, from people. My friends are all growing up, getting married and popping out babies. It almost happened to me last summer, but sadly, it wasn't the right time and I lost the baby in October. My friends are all growing up around me, and I'm stuck in my own personal limbo hell. I have plans for my next steps in life, but I can't make any moves until next year.
I've met so many awesome people throughout the years.. But I haven't really connected and made any deep bonds or friendships. I find myself keeping people at a casual distance.. Like if I don't let them close, they can't hurt me. But I'm only hurting myself. I've always been independent, and enjoyed doing things alone, but anymore I feel so lonely.
The good that's come of that is that I've been focused on self improvement.. And self discovery/creation. But even long lasting close friendships have suffered. It's been hard for me to keep in touch. Mainly because I hate small talk. Also, I'm finding it harder even to communicate with people. Maybe I'm developing some kind of social anxiety. I still love meeting new people, but I never let it go past that really. Afraid that if I really get to know them they'll either hurt me, or my faith in humanity at some point.
Also, a lot of people don't know how to take my "detached" nature. I do not communicate my emotions very well, and I don't like to wear them on my sleeve. I come off as cool and distant, but I'm fiercely loyal, and I love free of judgement. The weirder you are, the more I like you. Humans truly fascinate me. As long as you have an open mind, and half a brain.. I can get along with almost anyone.

I'm at a weird place in life, at 24. Maybe this is a quarter life crisis. Who knows.
I don't know how things will turn out, or what exactly to do to fix things, hell, I'm still figuring out the whole problem.
So I'm just going to do what I do best. Stay true to myself, put a smile on my face, and just go with the flow.

I have tons of pictures, but as I'm currently stuck with only using my iPhone, I'm not quite sure how to upload.. But you can check them out on my instagram @nikdarling.
Also, meant to upload my hoop video directly to SG.. But that function also won't work using my phone.

StCyr

Louisville, KY

March 2007

AUG 25, 2012 05:19 PM

don't sweat it . . . you're young, & you've still got plenty of time to "grow up," should you even so choose.
Enjoy it.
Shit, I had my first "mid-life" crisis at 25 - - another at 35 (at this schedule, I've only got two more years before my next one.)

yceberg324

Korea, Republic Of

July 2007

AUG 25, 2012 07:14 PM

Awesome Hoop Video. Thanks for sharing...

ron4164

Ponchatoula, LA

January 2007

AUG 25, 2012 09:00 PM

Nice video Nik!

werlywolf

Massillon, OH

May 2008

AUG 26, 2012 06:55 AM

you seem very aware.
You've lived a lot of life for your age.
I share some similar traits. I also got into trouble with the law but i actually did prison time and just became eligible for expungment this year. after i got in trouble i ended up getting a job under the table and living as much in the shadows as possible. I've struggled with getting help for school so I pay my own tuition at the community college here just to keep the brain fresh.

I've also thrown my money around to friends ever since high school. I often get used and taken advantage of. Hence the name. I'm like you I want to see the good inside people so badly I sometimes am blind to their intentions until its too late. My friends currently owe me a total of 2750.00.

I also love meeting new people but I also have been keeping people at a distance. Because I keep running into similar situations. Where people will totally devastate me and I have to just keep moving along. I feel like meeting people helps my craft and helps better prepare me for truly understanding people. But most of the time it just confuses the hell out of me and leaves me extremely disappointed. It seems like everyone I've let in recently has really hurt me too. I hate being upset or sad but it's all part of life and helps me evolve as a person. So I'll never stop letting people in. It just sucks it's more negative then positive.

I know what it's like to be judged. When I have to tell people I have a record certain people totally change how they treat me. A lot of my friends parents hated me after i got in trouble it was ridiculous. And I just got in trouble because of my cousin he did some dumb shit and I was with him. I had to deal with people Ive respected my entire life looking at me like I was a scumbag it was awful. Because I am kind and caring and make every attempt to make everyone around me smile. So when people just wrote me off like that it hurt badly. I don't pass judgement on people I don't know. And I actually have a serious respect for girls who do what you do. Anyone that hustles has my respect. And people who are confidant as well.

Sorry you didn't get in the traveling you wanted too. I went to Europe at the very beginning of the summer. I spent 3 weeks there. And Ive been doing lil stuff here and there this whole summer. I'm actually worn out my summer has been so eventful. I feel old though. I always travel alone and its just becoming exhausting and lonely. It was beautiful in Europe and I'm happy i went but there were times when i was just so overwhelmed with not being able to speak to anyone. I get homesick way easier these days. I've found lately that theres tons of stuff around my house locally that I've never even paid attention too. So i've been exploring and filming stuff around home and it's been really refreshing.

Well I apologize for rambling. It doesn't seem like your having a mid-life crisis. It seems like you are very aware of what you'd like to work through and your prepared to take steps to grow if you need too.
Hope things flow well for you

Gofuserectus

Mingo Junction, OH

February 2004

SEP 01, 2012 02:48 PM

great hooping !!

tiffinchris

USA

October 2012

OCT 10, 2012 10:27 AM

I totally understand where you are coming from on trusting people and keeping your distance. I used to hang around a bunch of hooligans who are always getting into trouble and dragging me with them. The only time they would want to hang out is if I called them. If i didn't make the effort to stay friends, we wouldn't be( which is the way it is now). In the past few years I have made 2 or 3 very close friends, whom I feel like are as close, if not closer, than family. There are a bunch of people out there who are only going to use and hurt people like ourselves. My advice is to keep your head up and listen to your instinct when it comes to new people. You are a beautiful, intelligent, young woman and as long as you keep that in mind, everything will buff out in the end.