the vice guide to eating pussy

[note: I DID NOT write this. Christi Bradnox did. her name and the magazine she wrote it for (Vice Magazine) are properly credited in the article. many people have "high-fived" me thinking that I wrote it, but I did not. now, read on, especially the men. you need this advice. -- s5]


THE VICE GUIDE TO EATING PUSSY

Men SUCK at eating pussy.....not because they don't like it but because
it's really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the
key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later
on), so it's time we broke it down, like this..

The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best
sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can't read the emotional road
signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial
wasteland until, eventually you drop from exhaustion, hot tears running
down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "although i am about to
rock your insides with 3000 ibs. of explosives, heres a little intimate
treat session to show you how i really feel." Instead of screaming "OH MY
GAWD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking
should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous
"ooooohhmygaawdooohmygodohmygod", kind of being massaged with exotic
fruits by a muscular Arab oil shiek. A good mange (that's french for eats
you brutes) is like a thousand years of saturdays or a "calgon, take me
away" as....break it down.

1-BE DOWN
don't go down unless....yur down! Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never
be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the
dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get
forgiven.

2-DON'T SAY HI TO DRY
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back
to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip
your finger the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia
and a little fingerial coaxing is all that's needed to get the honey
dripping.
Once you're sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light teasing strokes
with your finger. There's nothing worse than rushinginto this, so make
sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers.
EXTRA TIP: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can
share like a 1950's milkshake with 2 straws.
IMPORTANT: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all
the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penatration and kill
the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a womyn's pleasure is about
yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

3-SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out of
there and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of
grinding and get some last minute necking in like you're going away on
holiday!
Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your
head (huh?) like the little mole-man (or woman) that you are, this is a
very bad idea. It get's super hot down there and whipping the duvet cover
off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty
much going to kill the mood. Start kissing her breasts and stomach and
slowly, working your way down. Don't get carried away with tits....that's
something you should of taken care of before the pants even came off.
Right now, it's all about the stomach and the inner thighs. A little bit
of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and
move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right
up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other
knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you
alot of pussy eating time in the long run. (unless of course you LOOOOOVE
to eat pussy.)
When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that
weird crevice next to the lips. Don't spend too long or she might start to
think you think that's the actual cunt.
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you're doing it
right, she'll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs.
Stretch this phase out until she looks like she's been holding her breath
for three days.
EXTRA TRICK: hover over the bush for about 5 seconds before the first
lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you're having second
thoughts because it smells bad. Of course we all know the mutha-fuckah
smells sweeter thana bowl of steamin crawdaddies!
IMPORTANT: NEVER bite the cunt in anyway whatsoever. If it needs more
explaining than that, then you should just stick to jerking off.

4-PARTING THE RED SEAS
Isolate your playing feild. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the
cavity creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to
identify all of the parts is she looks like that PIL album 'that what is
not.' One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is
all set up for you like a great big buffet.

5-THE GRAND ENTRANCE
Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It shows
you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right
up to her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to
the fur. Do about a dozen of these "st bernard licks" before moving on
(take it really slow like four second per lick). this is a good time to
figure out what kind of clit she has. If it's real sensitive she'll
probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you're probably in
for an easy ride. If theres no reaction when you graze over her clit, she
probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a
thirty minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

6-ROCK THE BOAT
eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If
you're getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the
clit! Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her
uncomfortable and show the lil' bastard who's boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisley what makes muff diving so difficult.
He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure
can pop him over the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the
seeing to of it's life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of
earlobes. When you push down on the area he's the only one who can't be
squished. Once one of your tongue trooper find him, call for
reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all
your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit
of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a
couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude
later.
EXTRA IMPORTANT TIP: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your
entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

7-IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are
essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and
ones that dont. The latter suck about as much as a one inch penis and you
should sump her right away.
EXTRA TIP: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that
doesn't really tell you much. all of them want to be treated slow and soft
in the beginning but the only way to tel if you can go fast at the end is
by reading her reactions. This is imppossible to teach but just do the
best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "OH
my GOD" means bring it on.

8a-CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is
the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him
from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now
he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber
in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue
bonk. He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit and he has no
idea what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few
teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat him senseless like a boxer whaking
a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it's too much, ease up on the
interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great
way to bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much sometimes, so mix things
up with soem circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the
subject a relentless head smacking. Up_and_downies are usually the most
effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few
side_to_sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it.
Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the
time to start changing tactics.
EXTRA TIP: Tp keep the rythym going, try repeating a chant in your head
that goes with the movement of your tongue like a mic mac indian
(hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistant action may throw
her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes,
which is bad for morale.
IMPORTANT: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't
over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's
multi-orgasmic you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole
routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just
keep keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

8b-CLITS THAT DON"T
Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the
boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. just do the
occasional St. Bernard lick until she comes, pure and simple. If your
getting bored, try going in a different direction for a while. A good way
to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with
the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at a half and hour here pal,
and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn't
come, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much work, move
on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people
have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when
period week comes around.

9-THE CONCLUSION
Once you're done (totally finished) she's going to want you out of there
pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out
your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy, carpet. Make sure
you don't move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just
let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come
up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the
condom on and take her from the quarters of prince muhammad muhammad
saddat to the cockpit of an f-15.

Christi Bradnox

-----------------------------------
E X T R A B O N U S T R A C K S
-----------------------------------
1-getting fired.....If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start
pulling you up, you've just been sacked. She'll tell you she never comes
from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a
jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience.
Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right next time.
If you're really lame, you can ask her for a regular play by play from the
broadcast booth. A bit of the old
"slow-down-you're-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that's-perfect"
can turn even the john wayne bobbit of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

2-the power lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck
munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused,
but it's a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a
bit and it reminds her neglected clitors that he's a somebody! If after a
few seconds, she still isn't into you can save face by pretending you just
couldn't give it up and get back to the boff.
EXTRA TIP: Unless you like the taste of your own latex covered dink, keep
your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the
hole.

3-the bottom
Fingers: if you are dealing with a particularly saucey vixen she may want
something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind
you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end.
Incidentally, if you're trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing,
try eeeking it in during orgasm. If it doesn't wreck everything you could
ahve a pavlovian response on you hands for the rest of the relationship.
HOLE:
We're not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this article
because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and
should have graduated with a PHD in pussy years ago.
CHEEKS:
Bum cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand
nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap
while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

4-THE DOUBLE WHAMMY
Though some idiots say it takes away from when you actually put in the
dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind.
Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunilingus.

5-BEING KNACKERED
Tongue exhaustion is the number one cause of abandoned manging but there
are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, useing your tongue as an
inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as
you can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it
around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply use
your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.


[Edited on Jul 07, 2005 by s5]

I was just about to post that, diggers!

i didn't write this, the author's name is buried somewhere in the middle of the article. but yes, i have thought about writing a book. not about sex, though. hah.

this, my friends, is why i married s5.

Because he didn't take credit for someone else's writing?

Oh, wait... it's for posting the pussy eating article to begin with. I get it!