NEWS: The Elusive Perfect Ten

MUSIC: The Elusive Perfect Ten

Uncle Grambo has done a case study in music snobbery, delving into Pitchfork's archives looking for the elusive perfect 10.0 score. Jay-Z's The Blueprint? Nope. Elliott Smith's Figure 8? Nuh-uh. SMiLE?? Nah.

Only thirty albums had what it takes to please the selectively demanding Pitchfork:

The dearth of hip-hop on this list is interesting, given the common accepted wisdom that Pitchfork tends to score hip-hop generously -- much like All Music Guide, which apparently hasn't given a perfect 5-star rating to a rock album in five years -- but this list calls the accepted wisdom into question. Rolling Stone, of course, just gives everything that isn't a classic rock reissue 3 & 1/2 stars, while NME's high scores are like "Best New Artist" Grammies -- a death curse.

And what does a 0.0 album sound like? Ask Liz Phair, Sonic Youth, or The Flaming Lips, three of the nine artists who've received flawless zeros from the site.

Cue "fuck Pitchfork, who cares?" in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Well perhaps some more deserve the distinction (if one can claim a "perfect record" exists), but this is a damn good list.

Oh god, I love Pitchfork's review of Elliott Smith's Figure 8. I think it's a national treasure of comedy, and here's why. I didn't read that particular review until right after he died, and this is the opening statement:

Um... clearly.

P.S. ~ Weezer's "Make Believe" got so close to a perfect zero that I can taste it. Too bad they couldn't hyperbolize its mediocricy just a little more.

[Edited on Jun 19, 2005 4:43PM]

I agree. I can't argue with what's on the list (except maybe Trail of Dead, and Kiss -- that had to be a joke), but rather what's not on it.


[Edited on Jun 19, 2005 by Keith]

Ouch. I'll take "Hindsight Is 20/20" for $200, Alex.

the dude who gave zaireeka a 0.0 because it requires 4 CD players to play obviously doesn't get it -- or maybe he doesn't have any friends.

No, I'm sorry. If you release a quadruple album that is supposed to be played simultaneously, you deserve a zero. That is the ultimate in pretentiousness. You can just take a long walk off a short pier (Not you, pascalpp, The Flaming Lips. And I love The Lips, but that chapped my ass).

[Edited because I don't like looking like that much of an angry asshole]


[Edited on Jun 19, 2005 by mamet]

I think the guy who buys Zaireeka because it requires 4 CD players to play doesn't have any friends.

I should know, because I did and I don't.

Right, I understand. Let's see, though. Pitchfork has only been around for nine years, and they've only reviewed records from those nine years and reissues (which make up a preponderance of those 10s). So that's an average of a little over three 10s a year. That sounds about right, I guess. So what records do people think deserve that distinction from the past nine years?

And yes, the Trail of Dead 10 took me aback. I own and like that record a lot, but a 10 it is not.

Jay-Z should have gotten a 10? I've always thought that The Blueprint was a bit overrated.


[Edited on Jun 19, 2005 by mamet]

You have to take into account, however, that a good deal of those that "came out" in the past nine years were re-issues of favorite icons that they then got to salivate over. Pavement's fucking awesome and all, but both slanted+enchanted AND crooked rain crooked rain getting 10.0s? Anywhere else but hindsight, I don't know about that.

Yeah, to be a 10 you can't have a misstep. And Takeover was a little too Puffy to be on a 10.0 record.

On the zeros: NYC Ghosts and Flowers is very easily Sonic Youth's worst album, but I'm not sure it's a 0.0. I think LIz Phair's 0.0 is more a slap at her for hiring The Matrix (and the songs they produced for her are awful), but there's a few songs that aren't so horrifying; I'd give it a 3 or a 4.

The Elder, on the other hand, does deserve a 0.0.

Yeah, Ace Frehley said on the Kiss Behind the Music that hearing that record when it was finished was what made him quit the band.

I realize what I posted was kind of contradictory. I was feeling a bit too lazy to change it, and just hoped no one would call me on it.

I think you're right on this point. I think that's why Weezer's Make Believe received a 0.4 too. It's more of a "We loved you and you spat on us" kind of thing. It hurts more hearing a bad record from someone you adore. I haven't yet heard Weezer's record, but as a monstrous Phair fan, I'd give her self-titled record a zero. There is one song, "Firewalker," that if I pretend it's someone else I can listen to. But it's just such a blatant attempt at achieving mainstream success by any means necessary that it rings false. I don't fault her for that, though. Not anymore, anyway.

Wow, that's the perfect article for the music snobs out there.

I only like reading pitchfork when I'm in a bad mood about something so I can be angry about their stupid ratings and lists, instead of whatever else was upsetting me.

to me source tags and code is a 10. i fucking love that record soooo much. it's perfect in every way.

and tehre is plenty of great records on that list, and even a few that i wouldn't touch with a shitty stick.

but you know, opinions / arseholes etc.

Got Wilco, Elvis Costello, and the Stoogest, that's enough for me.

And to think, Vanilla Ice To The Extreme has outsold them all.

Combined.

There do seem to be some selections there to just try to prove indie cred.

In particular, who the fuck are the 12 Rods?

Too cold. Too cold