NEWS: The Gentleman's Guide to Online Etiquette

CULTURE: The Gentleman's Guide to Online Etiquette

Gentlemen, we are in the midst of an epidemic. No, it’s not Flying Pig Flu; it’s not penicillin-resistant syphilis; it’s not masturbation induced hairy-palmism.

It’s Creepiness.

Internet creepiness. This comes in many forms:

Douchebagery: Symptoms of douchebaggery include an undeserved sense of self-importance, bragging about sexual prowess, forgetting that internet women are real people, and a proclivity to show a disembodied erect penis.

Stalkerism: Symptoms of stalkerism include premature proclamations of love, defensiveness, and bad poetry.

Sexcreeperism: Symptoms of sexcreeperism include requests of sexual acts by the female in question, a sense of entitlement (a.k.a. “I paid my $4, now spread yer pussy!!”), and model-casting calls for their “professional” photo-shoots. Untreated sexcreeperism can lead to kidnapperotamies.

Assholery: Symptoms of assholery include spamming, starting threads that are going to “change the site”, whining about cliques, and generally acting like they are better than everyone else.

Pityrosis: Symptoms of pityrosis include complaining about always being the friend to hot girls, whining about being a virgin, and putting complete strangers on a pedestal.

Gentlemen, we must fight this plague. The consequences could be dire. If we do not defeat Creepiness, we might as well all get fitted for polo shirts and make appointments for spray-tans. So, gents, it is time for a simple guide to combat the rampant creep-factor.

1. Don’t expect instant insider-status. The people who have been on a site for a time have developed relationships, just like they would in real life. Some love each other, some hate each other, and some spend all their time trading double entendres. These are not exclusive cliques. These are just groups of friends who like each other. Don’t expect instant acceptance, but also don’t think that there is a wall between yourself and veteran members. At one point or another, all of them were new, and had to make new friends. Take your time, relax, and don’t get bent out of shape if you get flamed a bit. It is just a bit of trial by fire.

2. Treat everyone with respect. These ARE real people, no matter that they are on the other end of a computer connection. They do not exist just for your own pleasure, and insulting them will result in a variety of responses, from flaming to banning. Behave as if we could tell your mother what you’ve done.

3. Don’t expect others to change for you. Maybe there is something about a website that you do not like. That is bound to happen. Deal with it. If it bothers you too much, go elsewhere. The website existed before you, and it will exist after you take your ball and go home.

4. Get the lay of the land. Look around at what sort of topics get good responses, and which end in tears. If you think of something clever, look around to see if you are the first one, or if 20 other people have done the same thing. Find out how the website works, how to search, and the true purposes of the various areas of the site.

As online communities grow, we must keep in mind that they ARE communities, very much like any other gathering of people. There are rules, both spoken and unspoken that are specific to that society, and transgression of those rules will have consequences. That is not to say that you cannot try something new and different. Just be smart about it.

Or, to put it simply . . . Be a Gentleman.

i take issue with #2. i know many, MANY robots on the internet. not to mention dogs.

otherwise, well done as always.

Dear Coyotemike
I wrote you a nice haiku
Do you love me now?

Disembodied erect cock shots? How do you keep it erect when you've removed it from the body?

Rigor mortis, duh

Is this a Noob guide? Should they be required to memorize this

Spot on as usual, good sir.

When new members create an account and log in for the first time, this thread should automatically open in a pop-up window.

I think I should have done this one first.

This should be copied and stickied in every board and group.

Spot on endeed.

Agreed!! I wish this was available to the world and read by every internet sleaze around!

Sometimes the obvious needs to be put in plain words.

The hard part is getting the oblivious to read it.

You know how if you pinch the top of a straw all the water stays in? Well, that isn't the only thing it works on, turns out.

Towelly: As Christopher Titus said: Disgusting, yet whimsical.

To the OP: Brilliant!!!

That's a very well typed guide! I like it, and shall bookmark it for further reference. :}

very good, sir.

i may try to think up some other forms of creepiness for you, but just for fun, you pretty much nailed it.

There are many, many other forms of creeps

Good show old bean. True today as when it was written. Thus sayeth the good book.

Query what does the category spamming contain? How many people must participate for it not to be "Spamming"?

See the person above you threads in silliness. Please enlighten.

Rules do not apply in Silliness.

Spamming is most often, at least around here, a case of someone starting the same thread in multiple boards. The most often transgressors are newbie-hopefulls and annoying twits who think that Suicide Girl = Hooker.

Haikus are easy!!

But they often don't make sense

Dammit, I've been laughing for about a minute now

The Best part is I've Composed a dance to go along with it. It was a HW assignment for my Movement for the Actor class.