Here lies free trade, slain in anger by folks in fancy dress

November 25, 2004

A NEW era of protectionism dawned yesterday as a summit of European trade ministers in Amsterdam collapsed in disarray after participants refused to dress up as little Dutch dairymaids.

The diplomatic stand-off follows the escalation of the tradition, established at APEC meetings since 1993, of leaders at international trade summits wearing the national costume of the host country during the final session and accompanying photo shoot.

Relations between Germany and the Netherlands were in crisis last night as fallout from the Amsterdam summit continued. German Economics Minister Werner Mueller had stormed out of the meeting and taken the first flight back to Berlin after organisers tried to fit him out in a tiny leather skirt and pigtails the traditional costume of rural Dutch workers.

As he left for the airport, Dr Mueller told the waiting media: "It was bad enough at the trade meeting in Madrid last year where they got us up in monteras [bicome hats worn by matadors] and little bolero jackets. But this is just rubbish."

As a result of the stand-off, Germany immediately imposed a tariff on Dutch cheese, while the Dutch slapped a quota on German auto imports. "Unfortunately, this has the potential to completely undermine the European Union as the world's largest integrated market," said UK Trade Secretary Patricia Hewitt.

Asked if she had agreed to wear the dairymaid costume, she replied, "No problemo. And actually, I thought Dr Mueller looked rather hot in it."

As the country that originated the idea of APEC, Australia is likely to come under the spotlight when blame for the collapse of the world trade liberalisation process is finally apportioned.

The costumes forced on leaders at APEC summits over the years have become increasingly outlandish. They have included batik shirts in Malaysia, gold-embroidered silk shirts in Thailand, silk-satin brocade shirts with traditional knotted buttons in Beijing, sailing blousons in Wellington and even Canadian leather bomber jackets in Ottawa. The most outlandish, however, were the Chilean alpaca wool jackets, known as ponchos or chamantos, foisted on Asia-Pacific leaders at last weekend's APEC summit in Santiago.

A recording of US President George W. Bush arguing with Chilean President Ricardo Lagos as the latter tried to help him into his chamanto picked up by a CBS directional microphone - has put strains on diplomatic relations throughout the APEC group.

On the tape, Mr Bush is heard saying, "I'm not getting into that. No way. It's a muu-muu." When Mr Lagos responds, "It's not a muu-muu, it's a poncho," Mr Bush replies: "It's a f---ing muu-muu!"

It later emerged that Chinese President Hu Jintao had to be sedated before his chamanto could be fitted.

Meanwhile French Trade Minister Francois Loos appealed for calm in world trade circles, warning that the resumption of the Doha round of multilateral trade negotiations was being put at risk.

The next round of talks aimed at getting Doha back on track are scheduled for Copenhagen next May, and trade representatives have been stunned by the announcement they will be expected to dress as characters from the fairytales of Hans Christian Andersen for the closing session.

"OK, I'm not that happy at being asked to dress up as Thumbelina," said M. Loos. "But I will do so in recognition of the $4trillion that free trade can contribute to the world economy."

However, M. Loos confirmed US Trade Representative Robert Zoellick had lodged an official protest over being ordered to wear an Ugly Duckling costume at the Copenhagen talks.

"The time may have arrived," said M. Loos, "to separate the lowering of trade barriers and quotas, which has the potential to lift 140 million people in developing countries out of poverty, from the wearing of utterly ludicrous gear".