NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #93

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #93

Asshole Fuckface Roundup log.

Friday, April 17th, 2009. Have been searching for days. Losing sleep, energy and sexual stamina. Located several candidates. List narrowed. Asshole Fuckfaces selected. Feel dirty. Begged for death to take me. Bore down. Got through it. Will now present AFR. Feels like giving birth.

First up, some amazing Texas style Asshole Fuckfacery.

Texas, I have a quick question: What in the fuck is wrong with you? Do you ever elect governors who are not complete and total idiots? This week, Texas governor Rick Perry decided his state should back out of this whole US of A experiment.

Weird you didn’t do that when Bush was using The Constitution as toilet paper. These people are so transparent and moronic it is amazing. He literally said Texas is “under the threat of tyrants.” Actually, I think it's under the threat of asshats. I believe we should show Rick what it is like to live under a tyrant. Let’s throw Rick in prison, kill his family and burn down his house. Hell, let’s use mustard gas and kill his entire hometown. Also, we should build a 100 foot gold statue of Lord Barack Obama in his anus. Or, we could lower taxes for people making under $250,000 a year, because that's what "tyrant Obama" is doing.

Yesterday, he took it even further and hinted at secession.

While he made that statement, the crowd chanted, "Secede, secede, secede." Yeah, so, that’s illegal. But, I would have no problem with Texas going its own way.

Grow up, morons. You look really, really fucking stupid using this kind of language and making these kind of bills. On the other hand, congrats on being so wrapped up in your own party and ideology that you don’t see the vast majority of Americans will think you are bat shit crazy. Consider your national career hopes over.

Next up, can Asshole Fuckfaces become worse? Yes, they can.

You may recall two weeks ago, in Asshole Fuckface Roundup #91, when I wrote of the Afghanistan government’s new law that legalized the rape of women and girls. This week, those horrible humans took it up a notch. One hundred brave women gathered in Kabul to protest the new rape law this week. Naturally, that didn’t go over well with the pro-rape group. (Pro-rape groups tend to be sort of rigid.)

So, that’s working out well. Obviously, Afghanistan has a super bright future. That’s all I can take away from this incident in which women against being raped were stoned and threatened with death by the pro-rape folks.

Next up, some Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s really great when a Democrat and a Republican come together to propose something horrible. This week it was revealed perennial Asshole Fuckface Democratic Senator Jay Rockefeller and Republican Olympia Snowe have authored the Cybersecurity Act of 2009. It’s a really great bill that will allow the federal government to shut down the Internet during times of “declared emergency.” Taking away people’s best source of information and a main communication tool is always the best way to not cause a panic during an emergency.

Sounds great. I feel safer already. Also, could you turn off my phones, shut down my television and stop my radio from babbling?

Hmmm. I guess I was overreacting. Up until you said, “traffic lights” I thought you were out of your mind. I was actually hoping you guys had some sort of security system set up for the water and electricity stuff, but I guess the idea is to just flip a switch and freak America out, causing riots and madness in the streets. Good call.

Finally, some trees are Asshole Fuckfaces. You read that right.

Not many men have the balls to take on trees for their Asshole Fuckface behavior. I’m probably going to get into trouble with the Tree Guild, but I don’t give a shit. This is a story people need to know about.

Artyom Sidorkin, a 28-year-old Russian, went to the hospital this week because he was having horrible chest pain and spitting up blood. (Why do I think that’s how long most Russians wait to go to the hospital?) Doctors gave Artyom an x-ray and found a tumor in his lungs. Bummer. They quickly scheduled a biopsy. That’s when it turned into an episode of the X-Files.

This is the last fucking thing we need. With all the shit going on in the world, we don’t need trees to start growing inside of us -- especially in our lungs.

We are all going to die. Or end up as Ents.

Fuck.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

How are they proposing they even accomplish the task of "shutting down the Internet?"

How are people in Congress still this blindingly ignorant when it comes to science issues? It's mind-boggling.

Remember when north americans said we didn't support the war in Iraq and this unleashed charges of anti patriotic heresy?

I for one would not miss Texas if they went. It would certainly solve the border/giant wall problem.

Plant a tree in your favorite texan today!

Patriotic secessionists....Texas, fuck yeah!

We're fresh out of strong dems in Texas, and soon we'll have to choose between nutty shit (Perry) or barbecued shit with hairspray (Hutchinson) as governor.

I'm hoping Obama will consider airlifting us in Austin/Harris county out of Texasininistan.

That tree story scares the shit out of me..In Iraq I have to worry about snipers, explosive formed projectiles other other improvised explosive SHIT that these dick faces come up with... now i have to worry about trees growing in my chest!

good call on the other asshole fuckfaces as well.

well i think this past Wednesday shows that ALL bush era republicans are FUCKING RETARDED!

shouting no taxation with out representation and Obama is a tyrant


fuck those ppls taxes wern't even the ones being effected

ive said it before and i'll say it again

MORON n a republican that makes less than $200,000 a year

A friend brought me back a "Do'nt mess with Texas" T-shirt from a visit to Austin as a joke.
Anyone know where I can get a "I'll Fuck Texas in its Cowboy Cornhole" T-shirt?

Sounds like that guy in russia is just starting his bush era, even as America is dealing with the aftermath of theirs...

You should stop saying it so much because it doesn't actually make any sense.

I think we should treat Texas the same way my dad did when I was six, got in trouble and threatened to run away from home: he packed my bag, and walked me out the front door. Proud as could be, I walked to the end of the block and stood on the corner. I stood there, all alone, until I realized I had nowhere to go and couldn't cross the street by myself if I did have some place to go.

I've always wanted to build a large border wall around the state of texas so they couldn't sneak back into the States and give it back to Mexico, effectively making all those fucking pricks Mexicans; they'd be so pissed!

I still don't get how lowering the taxes for, what was it, 97% of Americans is oppressive . . . but I guess I don't have my head up my ass.

We should offer to let Texas go, then impose the strictest travel and trade restrictions possible. Nobody crosses the border (maybe build a fence ); no goods cross the border; impose a naval blockade of their coast; leave them with only Mexico to trade with, but let Mexico know, if they trade with Texas, they don't trade with us.

And when Texas comes crying and begging to come back, tell them no.

Can we all stop planning crappy things to do to Texas? You guys are making me feel bad.

What utter nonsense.
Mr. Perry went to Texas A&M, getting a degree in Animal Science (I assume this pertains to Veterinary medicine), I suppose he wasn't required to take too many classes about American History. A high school civics class should be enough to teach him that secession wouldn't work.

Dear Texas,

Don't let the door hit your backwards, redneck ass on the way out.

Sincerely,

The rest of the Union

Fun fact: This and "Footbawl" are the only two degrees offered at A&M.

Don't they have a military degree?

I suppose they could just close one of the valves on the main tube, that should do the trick.

Knowledge is not power, the ability to suppress knowledge is power, and the powerful have become victims of their own success.

We're sending you down there to raise the average IQ score.

I find it amazing that the same people who preach tolerance and understanding on these same boards can sit here and just lump all Texans into the same category. Frankly, I think it is sad.

Texas usually serves as the exception, after all, they consider themselves quite exceptional!
I didn't actually decry Texans, merely their governor, and I think it's justified. Talking about secession is insanity. The first and last time states seceded was the Civil War. Mr. Perry evidently wants to do something that would involve a pile of American fighting men dying to liberate Austin, and that deserves intense scorn.

It must be nice to have a forum to offer up this dribble. While I generally agree with your attitude, do you ever proffer anything more than an ad hominem argument. You ramble, call people names; but rarely offer any substance. Just how did President Bush use the Constitution as toilet paper? Any specifics, or just more banal outrage. Do us all a favor and don't waste the space; support your ad hominem with some form of substance.

I agree with everything you just said.

Warrentless Wiretapping. If you couldn't figure that one out on your own, that is pretty pathetic.

I love how playing to the Republican base means talking secession. Lincoln would be so proud.