NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #92

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #92

Hello, minions. After a week absence, I have returned. I apologize for not being there for you on Tuesday. An Asshole Fuckface entered my right eustachian tube and felled me for a couple of days. It was touch and go, almost perished and all that stuff. But now I am alive again and my eustachian tube is popping and pain free, which means the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are quivering in their boots because they are about to be exposed. So, grab your favorite antibiotic because this is going to be messy.

First up, some religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces made a public service announcement against gay marriage. It’s a delightful piece of art.



Holy shit. Their “freedom will be taken away.” They are going to be locked in dungeons and fed dung beetles. That’s just one result of gays marrying. Also, that poor doctor has to choose between doing her job the way she wants or letting gay people live. How fucked up is that?

How terrible is it that a mother has to send her kids to a school in which teachers actually teach students that gay people are not an abomination? What kind of world are we living in? And why aren't there any religious schools for her to send her child to? And why wouldn't a woman so devoted to her crazy religious beliefs that she would appear in an ad send her kid to a private school? Indeed, why wouldn't she home school her spawn so she can properly pass on her crazy unfiltered beliefs?

That other girl says she “will have no choice.” That’s right. You didn’t know this but she is going to be forced to marry a woman and engage in oral sex for the rest of her life. The gays are coming people, and they are coming like a storm. It’s going to be raining cocks (on men) and vaginas (on women).

What’s next? People marrying dogs? Yes, actually, that is next. We’ve already started fucking them in preparation for the groundbreaking dog marriage bill of 2012. After that, we are going to want to marry badgers, panthers, and sofas. You think we are destroying marriage now, wait until I marry my carpet. A storm is coming indeed.

Next, some of our anti-gay friends spiritual Asshole Fuckfaces are busy in Iraq.

Remember when we liberated Iraq? How awesome was that? Not awesome for gay people, apparently.

Who would have thought “liberating” religious extremists living in the birthplace of the Shiite religion would lead to something horrible?

And it’s not just street killings. It seems the wonderful Iraqi government has decided to execute gays for being, well, gay.

Good times. Hope you are enjoying your freedom.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface advice from Texas.

Ah, Texas, you do not let me down. Look, I understand it’s hard being super white and stupid, especially in today’s world, with all of these foreign types coming in and walking around like they own the place. Obviously, there are solutions to help the super white. Texas State Representative Betty Brown unveiled one this week.

Yes. Please. Look, it’s hard being an old, white lady who was raised around names like Jones, Stephens and Blake to suddenly be looking at a name like Dat Si Cho. How about you change that name to Dan Milford? America just became a little bit easier, did it not?

Makes a lot of sense.

Next up, some Democratic Party Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how Harry Reid is the biggest, most spineless, waste of space ever to walk the halls of Congress? Remember how Harry allowed Joe Lieberman to remain Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, even after he spoke at the Republican National Convention and called Obama all sorts of names? Remember when Joe allowed George Bush to do whatever the fuck he wanted while he was Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee and Democrats said he should be removed this year because he’s an Asshole Fuckface who will screw with Obama’s agenda? And then Harry let him stay?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Harry Reid should be waterboarded.

Finally, I save the worst Asshole Fuckface conduct for last. There is something horrible happening in America and many are not even aware of it. It is growing in strength every week and may soon become a serious threat to our daily life.

It is called Adam Lambert. It is a contestant on American Idol. It is being hailed as the greatest find in American Idol history. Here you can watch it rape a Rolling Stones song.



How happy would Andrew Lloyd Webber be with that? I believe doing a gay musical version of any Rolling Stones song is a crime against humanity. Sadly, it cannot be stopped. The judges on American Idol apparently jerk off every time it takes the stage. It’s like watching an asteroid heading towards Earth. We will all suffer – particularly those of us with young daughters.

Daughtry was bad enough, this is unforgivable.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Back when in highschool, I had an art teacher tell a koren foreign exchange student with a two syllable name "Sorry I can't remember your name, it's too complicated!" Then giggle.

that video...the anti gay one or whatever...is...beyond retarded. americans are very weird. i cant even slightly understand that. you dont get anything like that in england, if someones homophobic or racist..they tend to keep it pretty quiet...

I'm just surprised you watch American Idol. It must be because Fringe comes on afterwards, right?

Did anybody else catch Rachel Maddow last night (I think it was last night. Might have been the night before. Anyway)? She had the audition tapes from the anti-gay ad, full of these dim-witted rejects who had trouble with the word "rainbow".

the bit about the 3 gays in Iraq being gunned down for being gay is actually progress. Usually homosexuals in that region aren't shot to death. they're just stoned to death. Being bludgeoned by rocks I would imagine can be a lot more painful and scary than being shot. Prolly takes a helluva lot longer too.

On that note, fuck Fox and their ten minute DVR-fucking delays.

Unless they're at a football match.

NOM obviously knows nothing of gays4jesus

It's good to know the general Interweb populace possess things like common sense and decency, after seeing the NOM video has had almost 200k views and a 1-star rating.

-TM

So watching that video, did anyone else think the words 'Rainbow Coalition' were a tad out of place in an anti-gay message? But it is a pretty asinine video, though sadly nothing we shouldn't be used to by now. I forget but I think it's mostly getting play in California?

And didn't anyone tell that woman to shut up when she made that horribly racist comment?

All these stupid people are making my head hurt.

The wife, Jamie, the wife...

Bdeaxn, We aren't all that way, its just that texas, and a few of the other douchebagistan states are flooded with dipshits (save for present company residents of course).

My mom made me watch it, she loves him.

What... uhh... okay... wait. Let me reset.

What... um... what the fuck did he do to that song?

Just admit it, FTR: You have the mad hots for Paula Abdul.

i...i don't know...i...what? huh?

Oh, fuck THAT shit.

Being anti-gay is the last protected form of discrimination, and they will hold onto it for dear life.

What will NOT happen if Gays & Lesbians are allowed to marry -

Frogs, fish, and/or Clay Aiken CDs will NOT fall from the sky.

The Baby Jesus will NOT get a diaper rash.

An asteroid will NOT crash into the ocean causing a giant tidal wave that eliminates all musical acts except the Jonas brothers.

Twitter will NOT get faster.

I will NOT develop a comedic styling.

What WILL happen if Gays & Lesbians are allowed to marry:

Gays and Lesbians WILL get married.

I sill can't figure out the problem with this.

What. The. FUck!

They are somehow convinced, through a process known as "dumb", that if gay people are allowed to use the legal term "marriage", it will devalue their own marriages. It has to do with the fact that they are unable to see the difference between a legal marriage (contract) and a religious marriage (ceremony).

Holy fucken fuckity fuck fuck NOM is fucken fucked right the fuck up. Fuck!



ZoMg! If gays marry! We'll have to explain stuff to our kids!!11!!1!!. They will have to learn "new thinking" as compared to the old thinking of biblical times!11!!!1!!1

Holy fuck...I got about 30 seconds into that then felt my head was about to explode and had to stop it.