NEWS: Barnes Shits Out Of His Head

POLITICS: Barnes Shits Out Of His Head

Conservatives have begun their push to pretend as if George Bush was not a horrible president. For them, it is personal. They voted for the guy, so the finger will always be pointed at their stupid heads. This causes them to look intensely at the Bush presidency and try to spin the utter failure into win. It’s actually quite amusing to witness. And it’s working a bit. Bush’s approval ratings have shot up to a spectacular 34% on the back of an increase in Republican approval. A retarded 74% of Republicans now approve of the job Bush has done. Amazing. This week Fred Barnes broke down the awesomeness of Bush in the Weekly Standard.

Yep. The guy who went AWOL during Vietnam has bucket loads full of courage. Bush has never done anything courageous in his life. He is a pampered rich boy who failed his way to the presidency. He is the ultimate example of everything that is wrong with America. Stupidity and arrogance crammed into the body of an old, drunk frat boy.

Barnes then launches into Bush’s “Ten greatest achievements.”

I love how the right wing has turned knowledge and facts into “elite opinion.” It’s a great way to dismiss all facts.

Human: Hey, the Earth's surface is mostly water.

Idiot: Pfffft. According to your “elite opinion.”

Human: No, it's a fact.

Idiot: Nope!

Human: I don’t know what’s happening

Idiot: I win!

The failure to sign Kyoto was the beginning of our downfall with much of the world. It was the ultimate example of the gluttony and selfishness of America. If you don’t believe in global warming, you’re an idiot. There is no reason to even talk to you about it. You are just a fucking moron and should be treated with derision. You are unworthy of debate, or even eye contact.

Not one word in that paragraph is true. Not one word. And we shouldn’t engage them, because then we are playing their ridiculous game.

And, lying is a great way to start out an article about Bush’s achievements.

Why is Bush awesome? Because he’s a war criminal. Seriously, that’s what this asshole just wrote. He’s praising torture and yet, he didn’t put down his pen and punch himself in the face afterwards. I know this because there is a number 3.

Here we go, more breaking of the law as an achievement. This is absolutely amazing. Conservatives may want to explain why they are anti-democracy at this point. The “rebuilding of presidential authority” has led to the destruction of our country. This philosophy is the heart of all our problems. The unitary executive theory is a profound distortion of our system of government and is everything the Founding Fathers were against. But here’s a conservative tool, holding it up as an achievement.

Hell, yes. And two wars in the past two years show how awesome that plan went. At this point, America is seriously damaged due to our relationship with Israel. It is one of the main reasons we are hated in many parts of the world –– and it’s completely unworth it. Religious fanatics like Bush support Israel because of the Bible end game and for no other reason. It’s a book. Get over it.

No Child Left Behind is a massive failure. Teacher after teacher has railed against the law, which forces schools to rely on high-stakes exams to boost scores to get money, instead of on pursuing a broader vision of education. The reason Barnes touts NCLB is because it is a conservative plan to destroy public education. The ultimate goal is to destabilize and defund public schools. So, kudos. And don’t worry about all those kids getting fucked during your “kill the public schools” transition period.

Look, we’re all adults. Can’t we act like it? America is the greatest supporter of brutal regimes in the world. We always have been, we always will be. Like your comments on global warming, when this remark comes out of your mouth, people should laugh at you. You are essentially a word clown. Read a bit about a guy named Musharraf of Pakistan and get back to me.

Um. Bush fucked up so bad on Medicare that Kucinich included it in his articles of impeachment.

But, yeah, other than all that, nice work on Medicare. Like NCLB, Barnes touts this as an “achievement” because it is designed to destroy Medicare from within.

Well, that’s an achievement if you love big business and hate the workingman and the separation of church and state. I can’t really say much about this because I fault Democrats for letting the shocking ideologues into the Supreme Court. Barnes is actually right on this one. They should be proud of their boy here.

First up, thanks for strengthening our relationship with Japan. We were seriously worried about that. But more importantly, if #9 on your list is strengthening relations with our friends, you are a shocking failure.

Hup, ho, hold the fuck up. He had to surge because he FUCKING BLEW IT. The war was run horribly. Look, if I miss the toilet and shit all over the floor, I don’t get credit for cleaning up the shit. So, stop it. It makes you look stupid.

I just missed the toilet and shit all over the floor.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. He currently has rather wet and soiled shoes. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Now that made me laugh

So, Barnes trots out a litany of failure which he touts as successes.

Can't say I'm surprised, the GOP's effort to re-write history has been working at a fever pitch for some time now.

Wow. Blinders much?

Wow...

Best part is there are enough Americans too stupid to bother to see how false it all is. They just go "oh wow Dubya is great" and take this kind of crap as fact.

God Bless America!

This pretty much started the day Bush dismissed his critics with "I'll let the history books judge me"

I believe this is one of those occasions where I have to remember that freedom of speech applies to people saying things that infuriate me. Fuck.

Oh god, they are going to try to Ronald Reagan , aren't they? The right will deify Bush, put him on the ten dollar bill, and name every fucking building from Texas to North Dakota after him.

But will it take? I don't think so. Even the enigmatic Republican spin machine can't turn around his horrendous approval ratings and the bitterness of two wars.

By which he apparently meant partisan hacks appearing in blatantly biased media sources and rarely, if ever, challenged on their ridiculous assertions.

Seriously, when you start your list of great accomplishments with pulling out of the Kyoto Protocol, one would think you could only go up for there. Way to prove me wrong, Barnes.

It's already working in some places. Did you know a street in Kosovo was named after him?

Surge surge surge! Surge surge, surge surge surge surge surge. Surge surge. Surge. Surge surge surge, surge surge, surge surge surge surge surge.

What? Oh, sorry. I thought we were playing a game.

One minor quibble: You don't have to believe in something that's real. It's just there.

A more accurate statement would have been "If you are a total fucking mental failure and actively work to deny something supported by objective science."

wow, Barnes' hatred for "the europe" is so... unintelligible, i guess. he keeps taking shots, being proud of how Bush managed to piss of European countries in mamny occasions.

His whole article would work if it was a big satire with massive doses of sarcasm. Like in this line:

with a palin-link *wink* at the end, this would have great comic effect.
but when pronounced seriously... well, it makes you an ignorant asshole.

It's worth noting that bullshit reason #9 (supposedly strengthening ties with our Asian allies) is worse than it appears. By giving India access to our nuclear technology and the go-ahead to build more weapons, we infuriated Pakistan (duh) and in so doing 1. undermined our efforts to root al Qaeda out of Pakistan, and 2. ratcheted the conflict between those two nations a few notches.

Four and a half more days...

Christ, I forgot why I don't come here to read this shit. Now I remember. It's like a booster shot that I need from time to time.

Anyway, the writer of this fine piece of literary achievement has many excellent points. Be that as it may, these points - with his "I'm really funny, but in a real edgy/asshole-ish/sarcastic way that all my like-minded friends really enjoy" shtick - are utterly lost on me. Though I suppose that's his point since I don't smoke his proverbial pole in the comments. I'd really love to see him put out a piece that wasn't an over-wrought effort to make his buddies spew milk out their noses. Surely he can. Of course, most everyone that reads his material is a die hard fan boy (ironically in the same manner as a Republican is of Bush) and laughs and chuckles with the hive out of fear that they will be left out in the cold. Mob mentality at it's finest.

But that cuts to the heart of the matter. Liberals are fundamentally the same as conservatives, they just believe (SO MUCH SO IT HURTS) in different things and are historically less effective at achieving their ideological goals and putting forth a coherent message. Take the Global Warming issue that the writer mentions for example. Liberals don't seem to realize that this has become their religion, and it pleases me to no end, because religions and people's sheepish, yearning desire to believe in them so much makes them look stupid, especially when they wish to stop the conversation by proclaiming their righteousness, in flowery, condescending words. One could take the author's comment and replace the words "believe in global warming" with "believe that abortion is murder" and it would sound like it came out of the mouth of an Evangelical Christian (idiot).

Of course I suppose that the author is, and I'll use his own words, "essentially a word clown."

Um, you might want to actually look at what right-wing think intelligentsia has become before you start comparing it tit-for-tat with liberalism. While there are a few environmentalists who subscribe to global warming in what might be considered fundamentalist religious terms, most aren't. More importantly to the main of your point, even if all environmentalists were global-warming-whack-jobs, it still doesn't dismiss the fact that global warming is a rigorously modeled and tested scientific hypothesis, and as such there is plausible inductive basis for believing in it even if every single environmentalist believed it because global warming sends them into a state of religious ecstacy.

By contrast, neo-cons don't even attempt to define what neo-conservatism is or what its central tenets are, nor do they hold their beliefs to the slightest standard of empirical evaluation. Fred Barnes does not, and will not change his beliefs no matter what happens in international relations because he is wedded to his beliefs. A lot of liberals, by contrast, might very well rethink their support for global-warming legislation if it were scientifically demonstrated, again and again, that global warming either does not exist or cannot be altered by any man-made action. As such, the two are not the same.

Also, if you decided to go back and read some of FearTheReaper's earlier articles, you might find that he has had anything but a warm reception from most members (and on this site, that means mostly liberals). There just isn't really any point in complaining about his style. Newswire articles with more comments are considered more successful, even if those comments are bitching about the article.

And people like Sen. Bernie Sanders are already working to prevent it.

Mainly, Sanders pointed out to the National Portrait Gallery that this was utter bullshit because Iraq had nothing to do with Sept. 11, and they changed it. I think it's pretty funny, really.

May I direct you to this thread.

I'm still amazed you fuckfaces let him actually run the country for 8 years...

Fuck off, troll. He lost the popular vote by nearly 500,000 votes the first time, remember? More than half the country voted against him the first time and nearly half the country voted against him the second time.

WOW! and yet he still ran the country for 8 years...

So I'll say it again...I can't believe you fuckfaces let him run the country for 8 years, even after he "lost" the first one and half the country voted against him the second.

great, the liberal version of Phaedrius: violence solves everything!