NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #79

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #79

Good Asshole Fuckface morning to you! It’s the day our Lord Jesus Christ declared Asshole Fuckface Roundup day! You know, Asshole Fuckfacing is not something that happens all at once. It actually occurs over a period of time and builds, until it consumes you. That’s why we recommend you never start, not even recreationally on weekends. Asshole Fuckfacing is some dangerous shit and hard to control. One day someone says something horrible and the next thing they know, they are in a Target with their dick out covered in baby’s blood. So, watch yourself. This week, I am delivering unto you another collection of the worst people alive. So, put on your most moist proof car cover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a repeat Asshole Fuckface offender.

It seems like just last week that Bobby Rush was in the Roundup because he compared the criticism of the appointment of Roland Burris to lynching. He actually did that before there was even any criticism, which as quite odd. But Bobby couldn’t stop there. Oh, hell no.

This week he was on the Hardball, and sweet Jesus did he fucking hardball.



What up, national embarrassment? Please keep talking, you totally do not appear to be insane.

You are a shocking and horrible Asshole Fuckface. Not only are you a Fuckface for pretending like the Burris criticism is about race, but you also just trivialized one of the ugliest periods in American history. You are throwing around the dog attacks in Alabama in order to guilt white politicians into accepting a rather lame politician into the Senate. It would be disgusting coming from a white man, but from a black man it’s almost beyond words.

Although, I do think racism is “as American as apple pie.”

Next up, some seriously bad father Asshole Fuckfacing.

Meet Danny Platt. He’s a 22-year-old man who lives in the still ruined city of New Orleans. Danny’s a father. Well, sort of. He was recently ordered to pay $4000 in child support, even though he actually doesn’t spend much time with the kid. That’s how the law works.

Well, that’s nice. They are finally connecting. Maybe that court order made him realize he should spend time with his son. Oh, wait, this is the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

Oh, yeah. You say that like it was an accident. I mean, you only killed him because you thought it would get you out of paying child support. Four thousand whole dollars. Who hasn’t done that?

Oh, I’d say he’s worse that that. Maybe the worst Asshole Fuckface of all time. I'm not a big fan of the Death Penalty, but go right ahead.

Next up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take long for the Democrats to start acting like a bunch of children. Naturally, it was Dianne Feinstein who took the first jump into lake Asshole Fuckface. She is basically just a Republican who has a D next to her name.

Dianne is the chair the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and she no likey Obama’s pick to head the CIA.

Actually, your position is best served by shutting the fuck up and keeping your problems with the new Democratic president in house, you corrupt demon.

Then came John “I’m from one of the worst families in the history of America” Rockefeller.

Now, you are probably saying, “Why all the hubbub?” They are just speaking their minds. No, they are not; they are pro-torture douchebags who are trying to cover their ass. Their oversight of Bush’s crimes was non-existent. They came down on the wrong side on Iraq, torture and warrantless wiretapping. They are the problem.

What is really disgusting about Rockefeller and Feinstein going public with their disagreement is that they spent eight years cheering every piece of shit appointee Bush made. OH, and they were both very pro-torture and domestic spying. And Panetta is very against torture and has been outspoken about it.

So, now that Obama is appointing someone who is strongly against torture, they throw a shit fit. Fuck them. They are criminals. Literally. Rockefeller, Feinstein and all the other Asshole Fuckfaces who supported the Bush torture regime are criminals.

Finally, some right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Why can’t Joe the Plumber just go back to the moron hole he crawled out of? The right wing won’t let this shockingly uniformed idiot just go away. This week it was announced Pajamas Media had hired Joe to be a journalist. What will he report on? Well, obviously one of the most complex situations in the world: The Israeli-Palestinian Battle.

Well, what this situation needs more than anything is an idiot’s take. I mean, Joe has such a strong grasp of the entire conflict. He's going to get a "real story out there." Because the media hasn't been doing what Joe the Plumber can. He's got an everyday common man thing going on that Israelis and Palestinians will relate to on a level journalists can't understand. Like when a dog sniffs another dog's ass in the park, it knows it's met one of its own.

You should jump in front of a missile, or something. I kid. You are actually everything that is wrong with Americans.

Holy fucking shit. How stupid can one man get? Yes, Joe, Christians don’t die. God protects them. Now run your ass into Gaza and see how that works out.



Let's just pray that Joe sees what war is actually all about and returns with deep, psychological scars that never heal.


Image by CCL courtesy of ronnie44052.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

i'm really torn on the Panetta appointment. on the one hand, i am fucking ecstatic that, as best i can tell, he's an ethical man who will work his ass off to undo the eight years of harmful bullshit that Bush's administration has put in place. on the other, i worry about his ability to actually do the job while he's cleaning house. i don't see any evidence that he'll do a bad job in that regard... but i don't see any evidence that he'll do a good job, either.

as for Joe the Plumber, the way things are going, he'll probably end up getting shot at by IDF troops. i wonder how that will affect his perspective... assuming the baby Jesus protects him.

Feinstein should be indicted for war crimes for the shady shit she has pulled for the last 8 years.

Excellent roundup, as ever.

The Burris argument is particularly facile and wrongheaded. I don't like the looks of Burris, but not because he's black. Burris has an impressive resume (and tomb), but I don't want any more leaders who claim divine providence for their political fortunes. Burris lost me with his rap about being picked by God; how God, working through Blagojevich, ordained him the new junior senator. That's crazy talk. And egotistical beyond measure. If God selected him through Bribe-o-vich, that truly is working in mysterious ways. And anyway, enough fucking religiosity in politics.

The child murderer? Nuff said.

And Joe the Fuckhead. Why are we still hearing about this bullet-headed cretin? "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe." Believe it. Then go catch a bullet in that giant yet empty cranium, please.

Joe the Plumber will apparently be presenting a seminar entitled, "How to Stretch Your Fifteen Minutes of Fame Into Twenty." I also hear that Sarah Palin will be a guest speaker.

Hopefully Joe the plumber will get shot and be reincarnated as an anal bead.

Any smart person hates reality TV, but I think the exception would be Joe the Plumber's own reality TV show. The series premier would start the day he gets off the plane in Tel Aviv, and the finale would be whichever day he gets his ass blown up. Probably day three.

Oh man!!! now I have to buy some before that fuckhead dies, thanks a lot.

You ran out?

My only recollection of Feinstein is her speaking at my college graduation over a decade ago. The boo's were so loud that I have no idea what she said. The dean of the college had to step in and ask for people to be polite.

Can we please recall Sen. Feinstein from her Senate seat in 2010? Please? Ugh, to think she'll be in congress until at least 2012. I hope the Center-Right leaning government will finally start to tilt towards the real left in the next election cycle and then maybe we'll start to see some of the militant dinosaurs like her and Lieberman go away... (Too bad we'll have to wait until then though). I'm glad Obama's Intelligence pick challenges the status quo. Perhaps it will also help to shift the intelligence community away from the ol' boys and girls club to a more rational and reasonable one.

Oh, and it's nice to see Rachael Maddow is taking her to task:


So Feinstein is really committed to eliminating torture now (oh, and what about warrant-less wire-tapping*)!?! Well we'll have to see about that, now won't we.

*It doesn't help that Obama sided with the renewing of FISA.

NICE!

In the mean time:

So... We close Gitmo and end torture and the world is happy with America, that's it end of story?

I think my general view when it comes to my attorney general is that he's the people's lawyer. Eric Holder's been nominated. His job is to uphold the Constitution and look after the interests of the American people, not be swayed by my day-to-day politics. So ultimately, he's going to be making some calls. But my general belief is that when it comes to national security, what we have to focus on is getting things right in the future as opposed to looking at what we got wrong in the past.

I don't think the world will so easily forgive and accept America if we don't prove that we stand for the rule of law. If it is up to Eric Holder to prosecute violations of the U.S. Constitution the Bush administration, how do we lobby him and will he listen?

Still though, Obama hasn't indicated whether he is entirely against such an action, just that his political actions and opinion shouldn't color or influence the AG's decision making... At least not on this one.

Crap, I screwed up the above post, the paragraph following should have been placed in a quote box indicating Obama's words from the interview in the youtube clip.

Although, in a funny way, I guess Holder is my attorney, and your attorney, and our attorney, and their attorney, and on and on and so forth...

An interview with Ja'Shawn's mother that just brought tears to my eyes.

I hope he never sees another day outside a prison cell again. Hell, just stick a fork in him. I'm not a big fan of capitol punishment, but when you read things about what he did, its very, very hard for me to argue against it.