NEWS: Time To Be Thankful

POLITICS: Time To Be Thankful

This is the day we Americans come together to celebrate thanks and stuff. In 1619, English settlers arrived at Berkeley Hundred, a settlement 20 miles north of Jamestown in the Colony of Virginia. When they arrived they celebrated a “day of Thanksgiving” to God. Three years later, 9 of the 38 settlers were brutally murdered by Indians. Throughout Virginia, nearly 1/3 of all settlers were killed during the Indian Massacre of 1622. The location of America’s first Thanksgiving was abandoned. With that in mind, it’s time to give thanks!

First up, the economy. How awesome is our economy? Pretty awesome, is the answer. Who would have thought getting rid of all the regulations that were put in place to prevent another Great Depression would lead to such awesomeness? We are close to reaching a wonderful milestone.

Use those food stamps to buy turkey and thank the devastatingly horrible economy.

Next, I am thankful for rendition. We are truly blessed to be citizens of a nation that snatches people off the street anywhere in the world, denies them due process, imprisons them and deprives them of legal council. Hell, we have kidnapped over 100 people from Europe alone! They are all rotting away in dark holes, like so many unwanted Tofurkeys. Thank you, rendition.

That brings us to torture. Man, if you would have told me 10 years ago we would be torturing human beings in 2008, I’d have said you were nuts. But were doing it! Thanks be to Jesus! And we pretend it is legal!

And we thank them for it.

Next up, I’d like to give thanks for signing statements. For the past 8 years, George Bush has been shitting on the Constitution and the entire idea of the Separation of Powers by adding and taking out whatever he wanted to when bills reached his desk from Congress. He even created a shadow government using Executive Orders that allow the president to take over during a national emergency and gather all the powers of the federal government into the office of the president –– you know, like a dictator. We give thanks for the shadow government.

Next up, I fall to my knees and thank the existence of the war on terror. Really, really good stuff. All we have to do is mention the “Global War on Terror" and we can pretty much do whatever in the fuck we want. Terrorism? Nope. Terror. All of it. We are fighting a war against a tactic. And when the Global War on Terror is over, we will launch a Global War on Flanking. So, today we should be thankful we are not fighting the small, pitiful Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the War Against al Qaeda. We are thankful they have all been crammed under a vague umbrella that allows us to indiscriminately do horrible things in the name of freedom.

While we are on the subject of the Global War on Terror, I’d like to give thanks for the million people we have on the Terror Watch List. Can you believe it? Without a Terror Watch List, one million Americans would be walking around not being watched. Terrorists. One million of them. All Americans. We should all be thankful we are keeping an eye on those fuckers today.

Also, I would like to take the time to give thanks for domestic spying. I mean, there are one million people on the Terror Watch List, so we’ve got to keep an eye on them, right? There is no reason why any American should be allowed to speak freely in America without the Eye of Mordor keeping watch. I am thankful that in years to come we will be astounded at the amount of spying that occurred during these times.

And speaking of the Global War on Terror, I’d like to give thanks for pre-emptive war. At some point, hopefully we’ll be able to declare war on pre-emptive war and have a pre-pre-emptive war.

And while I am thanking pre-emptive war and the Global War on Terror, I’d like to toss a big thanks out to the privatization of the military. I’m talking to you Blackwater and Halliburton. You increased the inefficiency of our military and decreased accountability, while increasing costs. Truly awesome. I thank you.

Mostly, I’d like to thank Congress for all of this. Without their shocking weakness and lack of understanding of their role in our government, none of this would have been possible. The C in Congress stands for cave. And cave they do, over and over.

Please, add a reason you are thankful to the message board on this blessed day.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Not to be "Debbie Downer," but I'm thankful for the health of me, my friends, and my family, and I'm thankful that I get the opportunity to gather with my family today and enjoy food and fellowship.

Sorry. Didn't really dig the vibe of your article today.

I'm thankful that even though all this shit is happening in the world, I can look to the future and know things can get better. I'm thankful that I can learn from the past mistakes. I'm thankful that I can have hope. I'm thankful that I'm can look and see all the good things in my life and don't have to go and dwell on the horrible things.

I'm thankful I'm still angry about all that shit FTR wrote about.
That, and the ham. I'm a jerk, so I'm thankful for the ham.

I love that I happened to have "Against All Odds" playing on my radio as I read this. I had a terrific holiday, better than most actually.

I am thankful for my health, my friends, my family, and my opportunities that I have been given this year. However, I am MOST thankful for the ability to go to college for free and then move out of the USA when I am done with it all!

Nothing beats the luxury of mobility.

Ham? On Thanksgiving? What are you, a Communist?

Like a true American, I am thankful for turkey this Thanksgiving. I haven't eaten any yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Thank you, bird, for giving your life to provide me delicious food.

You know, someone I work with mentioned that he was going to have ham and I also accused him of Communism.

I'm thankful for steps forward. Despite it all, we keep making them.

Happy Thanksgiving FTR, enjoy your tofu turkey.

I'm thankful that, no matter the occasion, FTR can conjure up enough negativity to make even Pollyanna suicidally depressed.

I am thankful that I am still alive. I am thankful that we will have Obama in the White House instead of McCain...and thats about it- thanks to the economy I am broke-and having a hard time making ends meet!!!! I guess I should be thankful that I still have a job, at least....
I am having a hard time with the government throwing out all of the money they did to rescue the businesses that helped cause this mess- and being so hesitant to help the Big Three automakers- who helped to build this country....

I'm thankful for racism... Who would I be able to call a racist if there weren't close minded people in this world???

I think he's talking about FTR's acting.

Allow me to clarify.

I don't watch much TV, so I don't know or care about FTR's acting chops.
I'm too dumb to be funny, even for weak jokes like puns.
I just mean that I'm thankful that I'm aware of these horrid things and that I'm actually aware of them and angry about them. I'm also glad I'm not the sort of person that believes shit like rendition is a good idea.

But seriously, my Grandmother got a ham from a caterer. So yes, we are communists. I own an Ushanka!

I am thankful I do not live in your country, or rather that I didn't when all that shit was going on. With a little luck Obama might make it somewhere people want to live again.

I'm thankful for my friends and family (genuinely thankful).
Thankful Obama won the election.
Thankful for the poetry of William Carlos Williams and the culture-jamming skills of Craig Baldwin

I'm thankful that, despite all this, this country still changes governments peacefully every 4-8 years. I know we take that for granted, but when you look at the world, it's almost a rare thing for there to be a change of government without bloodshed. No matter what, I try not to lose sight of that.

Good lord FTR...I was hoping for a more positive article from you for once, given the election and that this was Thanksgiving and all.

Times like these remind us of the things that are truly important to be thankful for...family and friends, for those of us fortunate enough to have them. And yes...maybe even FTR.

I am thankful for my health, the health and love of my family, the roof over my head and that always elusive great golf shot that I rarely make but constantly pursue.

I am thankful for every one of you that I can disagree with that doesnt immediately transform into a frothing-at-the-mouth conserva-phobe. Civil discourse reigns supreme!

I am thankful for Limbaugh, Hannity and even Coulter, for daring to disagree with the supposed "conventional wisdom", and doing it with a sense of humor.

And I am thankful for the possibility of a Palin future, which may undo the damage to our government and our way of life that is probably coming. I am thankful for this possiblity along with the hope for a truly smaller less-intrusive government.

And I am thankful for the proven track record that less government is always best, and that socialism has always failed, even since the Mayflower first landed.

I am thankful for a country where creativity is unfettered, that may lead to a future energy source devoid of profits for countries that openly and secretly financially support terrorists.

I'm thankful that Sarah Palin was shown to be the shallow, inept, useless politician that so many of us saw her to be and that she will never, EVER be POTUS.

interesting intro! Thanks! Indians. Thank Heaven They're not around to massacre Americans again.

interesting intro! Thanks! Indians. Thank Heaven They're not around to massacre Americans anymore.