NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #73

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #73

Asshole Fuckfacing is upon us! Thrusting and pounding on our precious innocence every single day! We must cleanse ourselves with a thorough reading and understanding of their actions. Then, we must heap scorn and ridicule upon them! That is what the baby Jesus would have wanted. Trust me, he totally would have. Also, that John Smith guy would have been down with it, too. As would all of his wives. I have scoured the Earth to bring you the worst Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet. Hold on to your burlap sacks, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, an Asshole Fuckface shows off for his wanna be lady.

Meet Anthony Zitnick. He’s a 21-year-old who is doing what he can to impress 16-year-old girls. Back where I was from, that was considered to be some serious loser behavior. But I don’t want to judge people from Florida for trying to bang underage girls, because it is an awesome state.

Back in 2005, Zitnick did a little yard work for a gentleman named Alan Rigerman, after Hurricane Wilma. Rigerman gave Zitnick a key. Oh, and Rigerman legally keeps “two cougars and several snakes, tortoises and alligators at his home.”

Uh oh. Cougars, a 21-year-old has been and the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. This isn’t going to go well.

Yeah, Zitnick decided to show off. He took the 16-year-old girl to Rigerman’s house. Enter cougar stage right.

Seriously, thanks for helping out, Zit. I know, it’s totally shocking that the cougar is attacking the walking meat sack you brought by. Please, don’t move.

Oh, man. It's like the classic movie moment, where the nerd brings a girl to meet a cougar, the cougar bites and starts eating her head and then the jock saves the day.

The girl was released from the hospital after being treated for injuries sustained in a kitchen cougar attack.

Hopefully they treated him with a kick to the balls.

Next up, English Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t be on juries.

Last July, Jane McKenna, 33, and her husband invited another couple over for a barbeque. At some point the other couple had an argument and the woman went home, leaving Jason Jeal, 37, to sleep on the McKenna’s couch. Then everyone went to bed.

Yes. Dude was raping mom while she was in her 9-year-old’s bed. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault. His DNA was found on Mrs. McKenna. So, he went with the obvious defense any of us would use: I was asleep when I raped you.

And it worked.

Man, that first time sleepwalking is a bitch. You get in all kinds of mischief!

A jury of complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. "Sorry, I was asleep," is now officially an excuse for rape.

Next up, the ultimate Asshole Fuckface opens his yap.

Karl Rove is by far one of the worst human beings alive. This week he wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, in which he gave advice to Barack Obama.

Um. Wait. re you actually giving Obama advice on politicizing the Department of Justice? You? The guy who instigated the political imprisonment of the former governor of Alabama. The guy who oversaw the firing of US Attorney’s because they wouldn’t conduct fraudulent political prosecutions? Oh, and thanks for bringing up the name of the guy who investigated you but couldn’t prosecute because the administration engaged in lying and obstruction of justice.

The ironic hubris is astounding. But you will always look like that, so I consider it a win.

Finally, an Asshole Fuckface knows whom to blame for the California fires.

You can always count on some religious lunatic to make a connection that would cause Jesus to vomit. This week it was James Hartline of the James Hartline Report. Jimmy took a look at the fires in California and right away knew the cause: Gays. Seriously, what else could it be?

See, God hates the gay agenda. That's why San Francisco is always engulfed by hell fires. Seriously, it's like gay blow torch up in that bitch.

“Advocates of Sexual Anarchy” are a great band. I think. Honestly, I don’t know what he is talking about. It sounds like a band, though, right?

Massachusetts. Seriously. Huge hole in your gay fire theory.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I don't know. I think the horrendous parking situation in Boston is Jehovah trying to warn us about repenting over our tolerance of sexual deviance.

To add to the first story, the cat will probably be put down. That's usually how it goes. Because some idiot decided to show off. What a crock.

Today's list makes my brain hurt.
I'm curious as to what the girl did to the cougar in the first story to instigate the attack. Was it just a bad cougar? Was there a history of this? Or bad luck? The name 'Chaos' doesn't instill a lot of confidence though.

Uh, my god might not be omnipotent, but he is clearly more powerful then James Hartline's god. If some gays pissed him of, he'd smack their heads with his hammer.
He would not have to throw some "natural disaster" at them that killes some cute animals and makes lot of okay-dokey people homeless and yet does not manage to get the message to those he addressed.




About the sleep-sexer: Yeah, either the jury was totally dumb ... or you got carry away by the hysterical woman and the unobjective news report.

-Is it remotely possible that someone walks through a house and has sex while sleeping? Yes.

-Is it likely? Not at all, it's extreamly improbable, almost impossible.

-Against the number of total rapes worldwide per year, is it still almost impossiible? No, statistically, that has to happen sooner or later. Law of large numbers and such.

-What indicates that this was the case in this case? 1)The victim was sleeping, too. 2) The accused could not know, the victim would not wake up. 3) The accused did it in front of a witness. 4) At no time he tried to use force to prevent the woman from running down, neither did he threaten the two not to call the police or any other activity that. 5) He did not even stop the girl from waking up her mother (and this waking up must have been some long process concidering, that the mother sleeps deep enough not to wake up from getting sexed!

I agree with the jury that given all those points the likelyness of this scenario rises from "almost impossible" to "justifing doubt".
It would have been better, if they had tested the accused in a sleep lab ... but I guess the accuser thought: "Hey, the result might support the defence theory and the jury looks like they will sencence him guilt in doubt." and the defendant thought "Better not risk anything that falsifies my theory."
And in this case "in dubio pro reo".

I can see how he'd get confused. "Oh yeah, that guy's gay. He's flamingly gay."

He probably thinks it's so obvious he doesn't get why no one else mentioned it before him.

I wonder if you can be convicted for castration while sleepwalking?

Next time a church burns down, I won't cry.

Far more dangerous than anything here is our society's tolerance of Jimmy Hartline. He should go be roomies with the sleepwalking guy. And the cougar.

I've never even heard of this Hartline guy until reading this, and now I'd like to go back to not hearing about him.

Sexy.

"...and the firestorm is spreading like a nuclear holocaust..."

Or, it's spreading like a ...firestorm...

"Yet, the radical homosexual anarchists rampage upon the streets of this state demanding the destruction of marriage and family, and the establishment of their socialistic dark vision for society."

We really are the worst super villans ever. I mean, we are clearly very very evil and all, with God so angry at us and stuff, but... what are our goals? this evil "dark vision" of socialism? and allowing gays to marry? Even this guy can't make it sound scary and he's clearly trying very hard.

holy fuck that cougar story is totally something to add to a resume for the guy that saved her:

Skills:
1) Welding
2) Fabrication
3) Can readily kick the fuck out of a cougar until it submits and goes and lays down in a corner
4) Knowledge of Windows 95/98/XP/Vista

Unfortunately the poor cougar is going to suffer for being a cougar, and the idiot guy trying to impress the 16 year, i can guarantee is going to say "Well, i didn't think there was anything wrong with it"

I lol'd HARD.

There are new wild fires in Connecticut, I hear.

Why are wild fires such fucking assholes?

Sssssssshhhhh...

Seriously, what was this guy thinking? "You can pet mah friends cat if ah can pet yers..." Ugh. Definitely Florida or Germany material here.

Following James Hartline's religious colonoscopic logic, every natural disaster occurs because God is vengeful and angry with people. Nice fucking god he's got there.

That first kid was a fricken idiot. What in the hell was he doing trying to impress a 16 year old girl?!

I had always wondered why that was... well now I know

Just so you know here in florida it is legal for someone who is between 18 and 23 years old to have sex with someone who is 16 or older. For those who are over 24 can only have sex with people who are over 18.

I would love to see that happen too, the problem is, that there is no law against blatant ignorance. I just can't think of it ever being a good idea to take someone to be in the same area with a carnivorous wild animal, declawed or not, the cougar still just wants to be a cougar, and we are just big fleshy meatsticks to them

he punched a cougar. i'm nominating this man for the "Fuck Yes of the year" award.