NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #71

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #71

Well, well, well, look who’s back. You just can’t stay away, can you? Like the taste of a good Asshole Fuckface Roundup, don’t you? You need it. You yearn for it. At this point, you’re like a heroin addict. Good thing I stocked up a nice little pile of horrible, horrible people this week. And make no mistake about it; they are truly some of the worst people ever to walk the Earth. So, put on your filth-proof robe, this is going to be ugly.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface opens his mouth. Good old Glenn Beck.



Really? You’re hanging with the kind of people who were actually hoping McCain would get nominated and then die? Those are some awesome peeps you're kicking it with. But, what would I know? I'm just a crazy liberal who didn't have one friend who hoped Obama would die so Biden could take over.

Just soak this in.

"Exactly." The other guy AGREES because he's been hearing the same fucking thing!

Thanks for not saying that on the air before the election, Glenn. Mighty Christian of you. Seriously, though, you are horrible people. You make demons look good. But I’m sure Jesus would be really happy with the direction you took his teachings. Enjoy Fox News, you Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckface Nazi comparisons.

Well, they tried tying Obama to terrorism, socialism, communism and, I think, rape. But none of that stuck and they lost the election. Now, what to do? How about whipping out the Nazi card? James Dobson sent out a fundraising email comparing the Democratic victories to the Nazi bombing of England during World War II.

Please, I’ve been waiting patiently. All this Nazi beating around the bush talk is driving me crazy.

And blah blah blah. Democrats are going to rape your women and even make boys get abortions. That’s just how they roll.

Were the Republicans done there? Oh, hell no. Don’t you people understand Obama’s going to put people in concentration camps?

Word. "Arbeit Macht Frei," is German slogan that was on the gates of several of the Nazis' concentration camps, including Auschwitz. Then he threw in a link about the Soviet’s forced labor. Asking for community participation is so very much like the Soviets and Nazis, I can barely stand it. To be specific, this is what he is talking about.

CLASSROOM CORPS!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about you Asshole Fuckfaces let him get into office and start a war before you start calling him a Nazi.

Next up, some Alaskan Asshole Fuckfacery.

I had no idea Alaska was the most fucked up and pathetic state in the nation. But after getting a glimpse of the hellhole because of Sarah Palin, Senator Ted Stevens and Congressman Don Young, I am amazed at the horrible corruptionfest Alaska has become. What a shitty excuse for a state and an even shittier excuse for lawmakers. This week, they decided just to steal their little election.

Yeah, that’s weird. Wonder how that happened? Let’s see, while the rest of the nation was voting in huge numbers on Tuesday and Alaska had seen a 12.4 percent increase in voters during the primaries, suddenly voters just dropped off the map. Never mind that the primary increase was seen BEFORE Palin was on the ticket, they just decided not to show up with their own governor as the VP candidate. Oh, and that wasn’t all.

New felon Stevens was down by huge margins in the latest polls, across the board. Same goes for Don Young. But they won!

Republicans, of course, said the turnout was low because Obama was declared president at 7:15 pm, before polls closed. And the Republican victories just happened to be across the board.

Huh. Yeah, that’s just a crazy coincidence. Thankfully, whatever kind of shit they pulled on election day may not work because of still yet to be counted early and absentee votes.

This is the same state that had more people voting in some districts than registered voters in 2004. After the Democratic Party sued to get the election data, Alaska refused to give it up because of “national security” concerns. Fuck off, you corrupt Asshole Fuckfaces. I now agree with the Alaskan Independence Party. Please secede from the United States.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckface cobweb cleaning.

Galen Winchell of Georgia was tired of looking at those cobwebs on his house. And he’s an Asshole Fuckface. A normal guy would have used a broom. Not Galen.

How'd this start?

Uh, I don't know.

Is that a blow torch in your hand?

Uh huh.

Did that start the fire?

Nah, I was just using it to clear cobwebs.

I can’t believe that didn’t work out. That’s what Home Depot says to do with torches.

I assume they were happy because the cobweb problem had been taken care of.

Also, don’t use it to cut your hair. Or to clean the upholstery in your car. Or to clean you skin. Or to groom your dog. Or to heat your fish tank.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Why are Christians so unlike their Jesus? And just for me, you could add, "People who gave Fallout 3 a 10/10 review."

I too wish that christians were more like Jesus, and that he would add people who gave fallout 3 a 10/10 or 5/5

The Alaska situation is really kind of frightening. I mean, really...what the fuck? (Also, it's "secede," not "succeed.")

If I never have to hear James Dobson open the craphole he has for a mouth again, I still won't recover from all the bullshit I've already heard him spout.

If you compare anything to the Nazis, you automatically abdicate any sort of role in which you can be taken seriously. That's because nothing is like the Nazis anymore. Not Dems, not Reps, not even Neo-Nazis are like Nazis. People have been stretching the comparisons almost as ludicrously as they've been stretching them to compare Obama to the antichrist.

Yes, I've seen and heard from more than a few people that Obama is, in fact, the unholy incarnation of evil so dreaded in Christian mythology. What the hell can you possibly even say to that crap? I hang around networks of dirty Liberal hippies too, and I've never once heard any sort of claim that McCain might be an anarchist or a Scientologist or some sort of inhuman monster or whatever, nothing even remotely comparable to the now popular delusion that Obama is a terrorist/Muslim/Antichrist/Socialist.

I also have to think that most of that particular slander wouldn't have arisen if Obama had been white.

I think it's because the Right is the haven for the religious extremists, and most of them don't spew irrational bullshit solely on the subject of their faith - they're equal opportunity ignoramuses. In any case, it's very hard to not say that reality has a liberal bias when you compare the Right to the Left in this context.

you know who the real Nazis are? the guys who use "succeed" when they mean "secede". word confusion kills Jews, ass!

I don't know. I think that spelling error flamers are much more like Nazis, don't you?
I always love this article.

One of my wife's fellow teachers at a public school (an art teacher, no less) is in some hot water right now because she's been talking in class to students about how scared she is for America because we've just elected the anti-Christ. She said on election night she was up all night crying because she knew America was doomed. She looked up a Bible verse in a class and asked a student to read it, claiming it "proved" Obama was the anti-Christ.

It'll be fun to see how this works out.

I thought I heard that Barack won Wassila, but cannot find a link today.

Anway, backatcha you silly wayward christians

She should have her employment terminated immediately.

But that's not a spelling error at all. I mean, he spelled succeed correctly....it's just the wrong word.

"Arbeit Macht Frei" I believe means "work makes free." Probably the most cynical thing I've ever seen considering what that place was.

My grandfather was a camp survivor.

I'm a conservative and even I am beginning to hate the republican party

I understand, I am a conservative who has hated the republican party for a long time now. Add to that I am a Christian who thinks the majority of those who claim to be Christian are full of crap and have never actually read the book. So personally I feel I have bigger issues then Barak destroying America

If we're heading towards the pits of hell, fire and brimstone have never seemed more appealing.

Thanks FearThe Reaper that was a lot of fun to read.

Fucked. Up.
I'm assuming (hoping) that this was a high school instead of an elementary school, but still....

That is so pathetic.

Amazing when Fascists compare their adversaries to Hitler. Maybe they are more in the vein of Mussolini.

Indeed. Most Christians I've met (born agains) don't even consider me Christian because I'm Catholic. Of course they get taught from a young age not to believe "secular" history by pastors who got ordained in prison.

Oh, and I only register as a republican so I can vote in a primary

Gotta love SW MO. Almost as bad on this front as the neighbors in KS and OK.

Edited for Duh.

Unfortunately, there is a vast difference between people who believe in God, or whatever higher being your religious beliefs call him, and people who call themselves Christians. While I personally believe in God, I shudder when anyone refers to themselves as a Christian because, more than likely, the words which come after are anything but representative of tolerance , forgiveness and anything else Christ like.

Actually, this school is in Oklahoma. We live right on the border, my wife teaches in an Oklahoma public school.

When my wife told me about it, i said I felt another school shooting in the works. Only this time, it'll be a TEACHER shooting kids...to save them. From the anti-Christ.

(Edited twice...cause I suck at this shit)

As an atheist who has friends, coworkers, and family members who are self-avowed practicing Christians, I agree with this.

As soon as douche bags stop calling themselves Christians the meme will be dropped.

Also, to Fear the Reaper, Glenn Beck isn't a Christian in the typical sense. He's a Mormon. Funny you didn't say so since you've been so angry with the Mormons after Prop 8.

But he is white... He is also black...