NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #52

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #52

Guten Morgen! Aujourd'hui est le Roundup de los Asshole Fuckfaces! How great is that? Yes, we have survived another week and now our eyes can feast on the most horrible people on Earth. For centuries my pale ancestors have scoured the planet looking for the worst of the worst. When found, they are pointed out and mocked for their general heinousness. If it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be able to feel incredibly superior – and life would be very, very sad. Knowing you are better than others is what makes life worth living. Gandhi said that. (He was pretty drunk at the time.) So, put on your favorite plastic moo moo, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, we won’t have many more months of President Asshole Fuckface, so we may as well get a few in before he goes.

Let’s face it, George Bush should not talk. Ever. When he opens his mouth, a delightful bouquet of retardation and white-frat-guy talk spills out. It’s especially wonderful when it occurs in front of another head of state. Like, Philippines President Gloria Arroyo, for instance.



Ah, yes. I can’t wait until he meets with the Mexican President and tells him how great the gardner is. Bush should have “Rich White Guy” branded on his forehead.

And I wish we were done with Bush after that gaff, but this being the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, you can always count on more.

Way back in April, 2007, the Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency has the authority and must act to regulate greenhouse gas emissions. The court ruled that the EPA has to determine whether or not greenhouse gases contribute to climate change. Up until that ruling, the EPA had been doing nothing. Environmentalists were very excited.

Over a year later, nothing has happened. It seems the Bush White House decided to ignore the Supreme Court. They just blew it off – or did they? It turns out the White House is actually smarter than everybody.

Wait, what? So, the White House, the president of the United States of America, the most powerful country on Earth, just stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed? Really? Holy shit. Just when you think they can’t get more retarded, they pull something like this out of their asshole.

The White House knew what was in the email, but it didn’t jive with their Asshole Fuckface view of the world, so they ignored it.

One EPA employee quit over this situation. He couldn’t deal with the fact that our president just won’t answer emails – probably because that’s the kind of shit you do in the 7th grade.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, a little more Bush government fuckfacery.

The scary thing about Democrats, like Obama, being complicit in the Republican movement to undermine our civil rights, is not how it may effect you and I, but how it will effect journalism. Some of you may not know that in April, the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Department of Homeland Security can now take all the information off your electronic devices when you enter the country. That means you computer, your iPhone, your Blackberry, or any other device you own that stores information.

Freelance journalist Bill Hogan just experienced the joy of our new USSR type security. Hogan is a senior fellow at the Center for Public Integrity, has worked as a CBS News consultant, editor of Regardie’s magazine in Washington and Washington editor of Mother Jones magazine. He recently wrote stories about the origins of the Iraq war and the impact of money in presidential politics. He’s what’s known as “liberal media,” or more appropriately, he’s a journalist who finds the truth. And now he’s on some sort of “take his shit” list.

Nice. Feel free to let me know how something like this is able to go on in a democracy. Specifically, our democracy under our Constitution. Oh, right, both parties are okey-dokey with this kind of shit.

Of course, customs officials won’t say how many computers, storage drives, cell phone and Blackberrys have been impounded and what happens to them after they are taken. They also passed on testifying at a recent Senate hearing, although they were able to scribble the Senate a little message.

Right. Thanks for that. And thanks for checking out the computer of that journalist who recently wrote about the run up to the Iraq War. I can’t wait for the days when they can read my thoughts with a machine. I won’t be able to leave my house. (I want to shit on people.)

But hey, maybe the only decent Senator left can do something about it. Good luck with that. Next up, some Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t know how to swim.

Meet Kasey Edwards, 18, of Okeechobee, Florida. He likes to drink beer and then take a dip in the local canals.

Hey, what do you bet that’s about to change? Last weekend, Edwards was drinking beers with some buddies when he decided he was going to swim in the canal. His friends thought it was a very bad idea, because of these things called “alligators.” They tried to talk him out of it, but Kasey is an Asshole Fuckface, so he started swimming across the canal.

No shit. What a fucking shock. Edwards grabbed onto a buoy line to avoid being pulled under and fought with the gator. He was eventually able to poke the beast in the eye. The gator let go and Edwards started to swim away.

Oops. Edwards swam to shore, where his friends did what they could to stop the bleeding and called paramedics. Hopefully, someone also said, “Nice one, Fuckface.”

Now, you may be wondering why Kasey is in the Roundup, after all he made a mistake and paid for it. Well, Kasey then opened his fucking pie hole and words came out.

Right. God. Hey, Kasey, did you ever think God was trying to turn you into a gator meal? You know, because you’re an Asshole Fuckface with no brain in your head? And he let you take a night swim in gator canal? No?

Edwards said his attack shows something needs to be done about the overpopulation of gators.

Holy fucking shit. Way to take responsibility for your actions. I think there is an overpopulation of Asshole Fuckfaces. Seriously, Kasey, there are plenty of people in burn wards who could use your skin and many people who need your organs. Just give them away, that way you can be slightly useful.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces have Octopus-like defense mechanisms.



Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each will receive a FearTheReaper bobble head!

I'd poo on somebody for a FearTheReaper bobble head.

I have to wonder why the EPA was sending important policy documents via E-mail. Wouldn't you think that's the sort of thing you hand-deliver to make sure it was received? And then follow up on, and have meetings about?

And as for computers being seized...and you all thought I was paranoid for advocating strong encryption! All right, you didn't really, but it looks like all the paranoid ravings of the crypto community are turning out to be frighteningly real.

Good lord, you have gorgeous eyes.

The EPA should of sent it as some gay porn spam, someone would of surely opened it up then.
Someone should keep on eye on our shoplifter probably will wind up doing it again, sans the crapping or maybe it worked for her before. The Crapping Bandit what an name and MO.

Luckily, there is a simple, if somewhat expensive, way around the searching, at least as far as journalists are concerned: Have laptops, cameras, and cell phones ready for them when they are going somewhere on assignment, do the story there, email it home, and never carry any electronics through customs.

Customs Thug: "Sir, we need to search your bag for any electronics."

Journalist: "Why certainly, sir, go right ahead."

Customs Thug: "Sir, why do you have a pair of $13 shit-smeared pants in here?"

Journalist: "So you have something to confiscate. Byeeee."

I dig the video format, although I'm a little afraid to watch footage of what FTR is like during periods of seething anger (which occur pretty frequently) and not smug amusement.

I'd be more worried about the government illegal spying (don't get me wrong, it's still very worrisome) if the government hadn't proven itself ineffective during the Bush years. Dangerous yes, but also very cumbersome.

Our government is a big, angry drunk guy at the bar.

Maybe shitting on people will become this year's "That's hot!" or the new Rickaroll. It's got an associated catchphrase to go with it, and you know that feeling you got when you were first Rickarolled? You know, the rueful "Oh, man, you really got me there!"? Well, imagine how sheepish you'll feel the first time someone pulls off a Neely on you.

Although given how I feel about the preceding stories, and in fact the content of most of FtR's articles, I'd say our culture is due for a new way to manifest impotent rage.

Lesson of the week: DON'T SWIM WITH GATORS!

or as most people would say "DUH!!!"

My philosophy has always been that if someone threatens to shit on you, don't call their bluff. I learned that in my martial arts class and so far, it has never failed me.

I assume he was using some sort of monkey style fighting tactic.

No, I think you're on to something here. The EPA should have just entitled it "Foolproof strategy for overturning Roe v Wade!"

Or "We've decided to support off-shore drilling."

Or "The lambs are ready for the slaughter now, my dark Prince."

The only reason I come to SG is to read this every week

It's about time someone shit (through their middle class pants) on both the conservative asshole fuckfaces that dominate the country, and the liberal asshole fuckfaces that are so obsessed with P.C., happy go lucky coomb bi-ya (how ever you write that). Someone that demands and understands that change requires more then silly discussions about semantics. Someone that points out the idiocy we have all found ourselves submerged in, no matter what the cost.

With that said, I really think that the guy with gator was a victim, and it was the gator's fault...
....oh, and that chick, or a dude, or a woman, or a....
man...
that was (or is) pregnant.
yea,

Damn you FRC for talking shit about a drunk southerner that decided to swim in a gator pond, your so not fair. Or a woman that is sexually a woman, or a president that is beyond fucked up... This is not called for anymore!

Don't you know about the whole "Southern Redneck Liberation Movement". It demands that one can do whatever stupid shit, they want whenever, without being labeled dumb. Last thing I checked Bill and Hillary were card carrying members.

I've often thought this column was a bit inane and your enthusiastic support has cemented that view for me. Thanks!

awesome. i'm glad your experience here at SG has been so satisfactory.

After giving it a lot of thought and consideration, I really don't think I could poop through my pants. I'm on the wrong diet for that or something.

Looks like the best bet is going to be hope that one of the AFF winners also wins a Darwin award. Then when they die, break into their house and steal their booble head.

They're saving trees. The EPA puts out thousands of pages of 'important policy documents' every year. But yeah, it does seem a little silly that the e-mail inbox should be a bar to getting their job done... until you consider the fact that the EPA is staffed and run by Bush appointees and it took a Supreme Court decision to get them to even try to do their job.

Doesn't Terry have the right to poo on somebody? She paid her debt to society! Terry could probably make a decent living with her famous excrement. The other stories are way to horrible to think about, never mind write about!!!

To be fair, I nearly shit my pants when I was caught shoplifting. I was 7 at the time.

Inane? That's a stretch.
Cynical as all hell, to the point of being annoying at times. That would be a better description considering how I am assuming your trying to use the word.

I can't believe you didn't work some sort of R Kelly analogy into the Shitting Bandit story.

Fair enough; I can understand the tree-saving, paperless office thing. That's how I do most of my work, actually. But to not follow up on something important? I'd get fired.

I've been thinking more and more that government should be run as a corporation.

Fabulous video. The thing is though, why are they all so retarded that no one made her pay for his Hepatitus tests from her poo?

I wish she'd visit the White House.