NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #49

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #49

Merry Asshole Fuckface Day. This is the day you look forward to all week, because it makes you feel better about your life. The Buddha was the first guy to say, “You know what? We really need to look down on some fuckers.” And then Jesus said, “No shit, bro.” That’s how the Asshole Fuckface Roundup started. True story.

Each week I scour the news to find the worst people on the planet. Then I display them in all their glory for you to mock and imagine throwing rocks at. They are hideous beasts and we are better than them. Hoorah. Now, wrap yourself in several layers of newspaper and prepare yourself mentally, because this is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface probably shouldn’t be breeding.

Meet Stacie Marie Davis, 29, of Cookeville, Tennessee. She’s the mother of nine-month-old daughter, Autumn. Last week, Stacie and Autumn were sitting on the kitchen floor, when the baby bit Davis on the forehead. Wow. Shocking. Imagine that. You’re just sitting on the floor with your baby when it lashes out and tries to eat your head. What to do?

Fuck yeah, you did. Don’t take no shit from that baby! If she hits you, punch her soft skull. You want some of this shit, baby? Huh? Cause I got more where that come from. You've got to teach that little bitch a lesson, even though she doesn’t have the ability to understand reason yet.

Stacie was arrested after a family member snitched. When the police investigated nine hours later, Autumn still had teeth marks on her arm. You know, from where HER MOTHER BIT HER. Autumn has been placed with her father, but Stacie is going to fight to get her daughter back.

Super. And don’t chew on your baby anymore.

Thankfully, Davis seems to understand it was wrong.

Bad advice? What the fuck? Someone actually recommended this? Hello mystery Asshole Fuckface. Welcome. Now, please bite yourself in the face. (I don’t know, either.)

Hopefully, the father isn’t Asshole Fuckface Marquis Lee of Newport, Virginia. If that is Autumn's Dad, she’s totally fucked.

Bad week to be a baby.

Lee has been charged with assault and battery, resisting arrest, child abuse and neglect, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I guess there is no specific law against “baby throwing.”

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface judge.

Oh, Texas, why so batshit crazy?

This week a family in Cameron County sued a judge – not for cash, they just want the Asshole Fuckface removed from the bench. Why? Well, it seems their 14-year-old daughter was appearing in Gustavo Garza’s court on a charge of truancy and the judge got all Singapore on her ass.

Um. That’s great for a young girls self image. A nice public ass paddling always does a teen girl good. I’m sure she won’t be in court for truancy again, mostly because she’s still curled up in a ball in her shower.

I guess it really depends on the animal. For instance, a hamster would be pretty fucked, while a cow wouldn’t even bat an eye. But neither of those animals are familiar with shame, like a 14-year-old girl.

The judge has refused to say whether or not other people have been spanked in his court – and if he jerks off under his robe while the spankings take place. Yesterday, a hearing on his spanking restraining order was postponed so the Asshole Fuckface could find a lawyer. (Apparently, Judge Spanky McSpankerman didn't know he'd need a lawyer.)

Next up, some California tax happy Asshole Fuckfaces.

We here in California are seriously retarded when it comes to taxes. Thirty years ago we approved the horrible tax cut Proposition 13, which has caused our state to turn to shit. Our roads suck. Our schools are a fucking disaster. Every year we cut back on more health services and more and more people suffer. While our idiot lawmakers make sure there are no taxes on luxury yachts, some of them are campaigning to implement a massive tax on porn.

Meet Asshole Fuckface Democrats Cathleen Galgiani and Charles Calderon of the California State Assembly. They think porn is bad and they want it to be taxed – like cigarettes and alcohol. They have proposed a 25 percent tax be levied on strip club fees, pornographic movies, pay-per-view films, sex toys and more. If it gives you a boner, or makes your vagina moist, you should have to pay.

The bill would actually be applied to anything that falls under our 2257 Section 18 laws. What does that mean?

So, basically, fun. They want to tax fun.

Asshole Fuckface Calderon has been touring the state with ex-porn stars, who explain how horrible porn is and why it should be taxed. This might be a good time to mention that what an ex porn star thinks of the effects of porn doesn’t fucking matter. Then again, we are so fucking moronic, maybe we had ex-brewers tour the state when we were implementing our last alcohol tax.

Here’s a tip: How about a psychologist or a medical doctor who has some sort of proof of the negative effects of porn? Oh, you can’t find anyone? Well, good luck because for some reason, the “I used to fuck on camera” lady doesn’t really persuade me that I should have to pay more to jerk off.

And that’s really what we are talking about here. They are trying to compare it to alcohol and tobacco, but there is no comparison. Porn makes you want to rub you little man in the boat, or tug on your Johnson. It doesn’t cause cancer – unless you’re doing it really, really wrong.

Asshole Fuckfaces Calderon and Galgiani believe the taxes could raise $665 million a year. And who is going to stand up for porn? It's a huge boner kill.

Finally, we come to our video Asshole Fuckface of the week.

John McCain’s campaign continues to show the world how horribly inept they are when it comes to the internet. It is really astounding how old gramps and his people look every time they come near the crazy world of tubes. This week, they started an online contest to find the best person in the world, or some shit like that.



Holy fucking shit! Dude, you can actually tape that shit more than once. You don’t have to go with the first try. And congrats on the lamest contest, ever. Seriously, that should be awesome if you are able to build a time machine and go back about twenty years. I’m going to be very inspired by the idiots on You Tube nominating their moronic neighbors because of the perceived right wing “selfless” acts.

Of course it will lead to the horrible, inevitable posting. Check out this Asshole Fuckface submission:



Asshole Fuckface, indeed.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each win a FearTheReaper engraved hammer to hit yourselves in the face with.

My favorite day. I will read later.

you blew by leaving the books in the background.
seriously, who reads books?

First prize is a weekend at the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis/St Paul.




Second prize is a whole week.

Did you add "contributing to delinquency of a minor" in the baby-throwing incident?

If you did, comedy gold. If you didn't, wtf? I understand they want to throw the book (intended) at him, but delinquency of a minor? The baby was in on it? Zuh?

Oh, and though I personally LOL'ed, your "hilljack" could use some work.

That first prize is awesome. Makes me wish I was american!

Interesting.

Wonder if books like Lolita, American Gods, and anything by the Marquis De Sade are going to have that 25% tax on them too. They all have descriptions of sexual acts, including masturbation, homosexual sex, straight sex, and one even has a dude being eaten by a woman's vagina!

huh.....you REALLY need to work on your red neck impersonation. I mean, ya got the trucker snicker/laugh down to a 'T' but, um, yeah, the accent needs work. Oh and before the insults start spewing faster than morning-after-all-night-bender-projectile diarrhea, for the record, yes, I would know what a bona fide red neck accent sounds like- what can I say? Don'chu 'sault ma kin folk like that, cha' heer? McCaaaaaaain! Wooo!

Wow! And what's that book called?

It's one scene from American Gods.

My mom grew up "Appleatchun," but I attribute my slightly slanted eyes more towards Romanian ancestry and less from...marryin' on cousinry; because THAT NEVER HAPPENED. And so what if I've a tiny sibling that lives in my chest?! Many times he plays my Cyrano.

Ahh Bilquis.

You really kill any argument you have when you end with "Oh well, she's ugly anyway."

Makes you look like an ass.

I seriously hope you submitted your video. It's priceless.
I have to agree with Rude_Ruca though, your impersonation is far too articulate to be ligit.
Maybe try a second take. A golfball size nugget of chewing tobacco should do it.

Holy shit, I just assumed that was from de Sade. A friend once really recommended that book to me, yet somehow avoided that part. Incidentally, I now have to read this book.

I taught this book in a class last year. My students were most disturbed by the graphic descriptions of a homosexual sex scene between a cabbie and a djinn.

YES! Even better, blacken in one of them thar frunt teef, boy!

I would like to present this for an honorable mention or two:

Why is it so painful for me to watch anyone from the McCain campaign speak? Watching that video reminded me of watching abstinence videos in catholic school. I felt like i was being lied to and there really wasn't anything to lie to me about. I am amazed at how out of touch they are with modern technology, it's horrifying.

That and when i first read the article i read "Masturbation causes cancer" and got really, really worried for a second, thankfully i backtracked and read it a second time.

And i agree with Sitar, you blew the whole redneck persona with having books in the background. I could see if they were propping up your television or something, but they're stacked as if you actually read them.

Also missing is the fucking annoying redneck laugh. There is this fucking shit bag redneck at my work who laughs horribly and often.

Yeah, it's either a blasting cackle, straight from the back of one's throat, or it's that smokers, wheezy trucker laugh. Every time, you can put MONEY on that shit (again, I know because....well, we've got a few still hanging from a few limbs of the good ol' family tree...yeeeesh......in fact, we call my dad the reformed red neck, because while he may be a little, eh hm, shall we say "scarlet" around the collar, his redeeming quality is that he plays golf on Sundays and FINALLY got rid of his mud flaps- on his ford, nonetheless!!! lol...yeah, we're proud...took the man 50 years, but sure as shit, he's been learned well!!! )

You taught that for a class? I think I got screwed in my college itinerary....

There are way more fucked up books taught in english classes in college than I think people are cognizant of. For instance, Women in Love. Seems very victorian and repressed, and then bam, the main female character is anally penetrating the main male character.

The class was called "Contemporary Fantasy." I also taught Good Omens in the same class. . . but very few of my students got the jokes.

What?

Are they afraid that the baby is now going to develop a tendency toward launching herself at cops?