NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup 41

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #41

It’s Saturday. That means you lucky bastards are going to read about the horrible actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. This year is the 185th anniversary of Asshole Fuckfacery. The first was a Greek revolutionary named Lykurgos Logothetis. In 1822 he was commander of the island of Samos. The Samian people were itching for a fight with their Ottoman rulers and they wanted the good people of neighboring island Chios to join them. The Chios were not interested in fighting, or really being a part of anything.

So, Logothetis thought if he invaded Chios, then they would be forced to take sides and join him. But the Chians were not fighters. He ended up killing a bunch of them and taking over the island. Then the Turks got pissed that the Chians were helping the Greeks and Sultan Asshole Fuckface Mahmoud ll sent an army to kill all males over 12, all women aged over 40 and all two-year-old children.

When the Turks arrived, Logothetis sailed off in his ship, leaving his own men stranded on the island. The Turks then massacre the peaceful island people. Corpses filled the streets and clogged the harbor. When they ran out of Christians to kill, they burned the churches and monasteries. Although, they got lucky and burned 2,000 women and children alive in one monastery. You can still see the bones and skulls on display today.

Over 20,000 Chians were massacred and 45,000 were sold into slavery. There were so many slaves taken from Chios it caused a massive drop in slave prices throughout the region. Ever since Logothetis, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces every week. Today, I scour the news to find the worst of the worst and pull them into the light for you to mock. So, put on your goggles, this is going to be ugly.

First up, only an Asshole Fuckface would punish someone for flag waving.

In 1950, the Republic of South Maluka attempted to break away from Indonesia. The rebels were crushed within six months and the leaders scurried off to the Netherlands, where we can assume they sat around smoking pot and talked about going back someday.

Forty-nine years later, they got their shit together – or probably their kids. Or grandkids. The separatist Christians started up again eight years ago due to rising religious conflicts. Indonesia apparently has a strict no separatist policy and bad flag waving is forbidden. Very forbidden.

Wow. Just think what would have happened if he had actually done something wrong. Johan Teterisa was found guilty of treason because he coordinated the flag wave with a group of 28 dancers. At least he can spend the rest of his life knowing he stood up for what he believes in.

Oh well, never mind. The dancers are also learning about the horrors of flag waving.

It’s like Footloose Nation. Good luck with that.

Next up, you’re an Asshole Fuckface if you have a fake dude pregnancy.

By now, most of you should have heard of the “pregnant man.” His name is Thomas Beatie and he is pregnant. Tommy revealed his belly prize to the world last week in the latest issue of The Advocate.

Well, bully for you. But, I’d just like to say one thing to Tommy: Hey crazy lady with the vagina and no penis, you’re a lady. Just because you had your breasts cut off does not make you a dude. You’ve still got this thing between your legs called a “vagina.” People with penises are men, and those with vaginas are women. I learned that a long time ago and it has been quite handy information when I want to put my penis in a vagina. I know not to hit on dudes at bars.

The crazy part of this story is that the press is reporting it as a medical miracle.

PREGNANT MAN: THE 'MIRACLE' OF HAVING A BABY

PREGNANT US MAN DEFENDS RIGHT TO HAVE CHILD

PREGNANT MAN TELLS OPRAH: IT'S A MIRACLE

Wow, great headlines. Too bad none of them are true. Here’s what a true headline should say:

LADY WITH GIANT CLIT HAVING BABY.

Because that is all this Asshole Fuckface is. Tommy lopped off her breasts and took testosterone treatments to increase the size of her clit. She uses her clit as a cock and slips it into her disappointed wife. And Tommy has a VAGINA. That’s where the baby comes out. Babies don't come out of men's vaginas.

I could give a shit if a transsexual has a baby, just don’t try to pass yourself off as something you are not. You were born a lady, you’ve got lady parts and you get to have a baby. You are not a “pregnant man.”

Also, thank God Tommy and her wife went to the press. Now their kid will have an awesome life of scorn and ridicule. Also, some religious nut may try to kill Tommy. Good work, attention whores.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a bad, bad, bad woman.

Abigail London-Fife has to learn a bit of self-restraint. Abby suspected her husband of having sweet, sweet intercourse with other women. She had “intercepted” several phone calls and was clearly not going to let Leonard get away with it.

So, one night while she was going at it with her man, she pulled a knife out from under the bed and went Highlander on his balls.

I do love a good trust position, just without the knife slicing into my Johnson.

This week, Abby went to court for her vicious frank and beans assault. The judge was not pleased.

Exactly. But don’t knock the pot onto his penis. Abby’s attorney tried to explain how she is not such a bad gal.

“It was inappropriate to use a weapon?” So, it would have been better if she had punched him in the balls? Clearly, fisticuffs, or fisticocks, would have been more appropriate. Also, if you are hiding a knife under the bed, you’ve been thinking it out.

The Abby received a 12-month "conditional jail sentence." I don’t know what that means, but she spends the first six months under house arrest – hopefully dude has moved out. I think she should have to travel the country and apologize to guy’s balls for a year.

My next Asshole Fuckface is another crazy Muslim from Saudi Arabia.

Facebook is getting a bad rep in Saudi Arabia. Sheik Ali al-Maliki is leading the anti-Facebook charge, claiming it is destroying the youth.

Well, maybe that just means the price of food is low. You really haven’t made a good point. But the religious nutters of Saudi Arabia are making noise about the site. Facebook has 30,000 Saudi Arabia users, while 6,500 people have signed a petition to ban the site. They are mostly concerned that Facebook “Promotes homosexuality.” They do have a point, because almost every time I log onto Facebook I end up blowing a dude. And I’m not even gay.

But the real and obvious problem is that Facebook is fucking up the strict control of men over women. Women are signing up for accounts and not posting their pictures. It’s an anonymous world where they can say and do what they want. Now women are contacting dudes outside of their class system and families.

Now a father has been forced to kill his daughter for chatting on Facebook. He killed her to save her. Talk about a catch-22.

Well, that will teach her. She’ll definitely think twice before doing that again. And you can go to bed every night with the image of you beating and shooting your daughter dancing in your head, you Asshole Fuckface.

Finally, get used to Asshole Fuckfaces who don’t even know they’re racist.

Until November, expect to see some white Republican idiot making an ignorant racist comment every week. They are so used to making offensive comments to each other that they don’t even realize they are being an Asshole Fuckface when they make the same comments in public. Take David Bellavia, who introduced John McCain at an event on Wednesday.



Tiger Woods? Now, what does Tiger Woods have in common with Barack Obama? Oh, right, they are both part black. Kudos, fuckface. Not only did you compare Obama to Tiger Woods, but you picked the one partial black guy who NEVER LOSES. True Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and those of you living in New York District 26, David Bellavia is running for Congress. Remember to vote!

First the MySpace kids beating a girl on YouTube now this Facebook shit. Damn internet's serious business.

Oh and also:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

miss(ter) thomas beatie, explains to the neighbours about womens vagina-rey evolution.

To say that Thomas Beatie is a woman... i dunno. Is that fair?

Biologically, sure. I mean, has a vagina, got his breasts effectively removed and he's having a baby, so there's no getting around that. But i think it's unfair for anyone outside of the situation to say anything about his sexual identity.

As for the rest... maybe he's kind of a jerk for all the press, but maybe not. Maybe he and his wife thought it would be better to come out in the open about it instead of waiting for the media machine to chase them down about it?

I keep marveling about how I emphatically agree with most of FTR's Asshole Fuck Face Roundups, yet keep disagreeing with him every where else.

As far as the Indonesian Flag Waver, maybe he should have blown up a bunch of foreingers instead. I'm sure they would have given him some community service instead.

I have to admit, being in favor of McCain (as we all know), I'm somewhat embarassed by the Tiger Woods comment. At least McCain didn't say it himself.

"WHOOOOAAAAHHHH!!!"

OH SHI- Dude did not just compare the opposition to a young sports legend grudgingly admired even by people who hate the sport...BURNNNN.

I think the "pregnant man" is a little more complicated, but I agree that anyone trying to make news just by having a kid belongs on this list, like their genetic line is so fucking important they could never think of adopting. People are being way to fair with this douche. It would be cool if they tried to not declare a gender and just live like whatever, but no they gotta make a big point, "now I'm a man...now I'm a pregnant man"! It brings up the stupidity of gay marriage laws, but way to create a human life for the sake of a political argument. That kid is gonna be Cheney x 100.

For what it's worth, the Jakarta Post is calling the Maluku separatist verdict "nonsense."

The story hasn't appeared in The Straits Times, though. Nice to see our local paper doing its usual fine job of not reporting news that might embarrass a neighboring country.

Congrats, FTR! You have, within 5 sentences, made me lose all respect for you and made me need to verbally smack you upside your head.

Is a 'penis' the proper way to determine someone's sex? It has been a common practice in the past among doctors to cut off a little nub from a baby if the sex organs were not entirely recognizable.

What the doctor suggests? "Raise it like a girl, and she'll never know the difference." There was a tragic case about ita few years ago concerning David Reimer.

David here never knew that he had a penis, and he might have found out sooner had his DNA been tested and he found out he had "XY" on his 23rd pair.

Now, is "XX" and "XY" a proper way to determine someone's sex? For 99% of the cases, yes. People whose sex chromosomes pair up as "Xo", "XYY", "XXY", or "XXX" aren't technically 'men' or 'women', am I right? At least one lesbian couple explioted this legal loophole.

People who are transsexual will tell you that you cannot cure them of their gender dysphoria just like you cannot cure the gay. That should be your first clue that your sex is not determined on your naughty bits or by a chromosome that may or may not work (androgen insensitivity/Y-inactivation disorder, there was a freakin' episode of House on it!) but mayhap it is hardwired in your brain.

Here are two links that use the scientific analysis of the hypothalamus as opposed to the "does she have balls or a hole down there" research method.

Oxford Journal
The Endocrine Society

But I will conceed the point that it is stupid to brag about being a preggers dude to the news, the world, and to the internet tubes. (Really, only a dude would go around and brag that he's preggers, just to show up the other guys who brag about their chemically-enhanced erections.) Give the kid as normal a childhood that you can.

+1

I had a friend transition from female to male, and at a certain point during his transition it was literally noticable that he was no longer female. He went through a male puberty like change, his voice changed, his smell changed, his emotions changed...he was certainly male. Even without a dick.

FTR's reaction to the transgender thing disappointed me, but I can understand it because I've never really thought about it myself until now. The only real exposure I've had to it is webcomics. 5ideways and Khaos Komics to be precise.

It doesn't surprise me that, with brains as advanced and cluttered as ours, what we've got between our legs doesn't match the way we think about ourselves.

Um. Yeah . I'd respectfully like to say gender IS as simple as what you have between your legs.
If it wasn't then why would you need surgery to become trans gender ? (Of course unless you happen to be a natural hermaphrodite.) I can just say I feel like a woman, tell you I'm a woman, and it makes it so ? No, I have a penis and that in and of itself determines my gender.
Sexuality may not be that simple, but gender ? I'm pretty sure.

And really, I'm sure their love for children and all that is important to them but if there's no political connotation why are they doing magazine articles and press claiming to be some sort of miracle ? It's not.

I wouldn't want to disparage him as a person but it sounds like someone needs a dose of reality. There's certainly a lot of flexibility and grey in the area of gender and sexuality but redefining Biology to coddle someones mental impression of their sexuality is a little over the top, no ?

Actually, it is.

Hey chain-

Just to make this a little more explicit... your organs determine your SEX. There's a little bit of slop, biologically, as Metalsmith made clear. Gender, as I understand it both biologically and sociologically, is more a reflection of how you act and identify. Sexual preference also seems to be determined distinctly from gender and sex.

Oh, thanks. You really me a lot to think about.

Is that what you wanted to hear? Feel better now?

Tommy is an asshole. As I said in the article, I could give a shit about a transexual having a kid. You conveniently skipped over that part. It's how Tommy is going it that is revolting. He is not a man having a child. He is a transsexual having a child. If you can't see the difference, good luck to you.

The opening bit regarding Lykurgos Logothetis was pretty bad ass.

To respectfully say that gender is a simple matter of what is between your legs does more than just disparage him and any transgendered person as a person; your defining them into your perception of what they are is the same sort of thinking that brought about the "one drop" policy that kept octoroons defined as black.

You didn't see the last bit of my reply, it seems. The Hypothalamus is a part of the brain, in the lower part that rationality and reason have nothing to do with. It controls hunger, exhaustion, who you want to do, and most importantly, HOW you think.

Being a transsexual, in essence, is "Girl brain inside Boy body" or, in the case listed here, "Boy brain inside Girl body".

And since we cannot fix a boy brain to think like a girl brain, that boy brain that is left inside the girl body has to look at themselves in the mirror everyday and see themselves as wrong. But since you have a boy brain in a boy body, maybe this concept is hard for you to comprehend.

Just look at Tumblebird. Would you consider her a guy?

Actually, it isn't. Sex is between your legs. Gender is a social construct.

Meh. My panties aren't in a wad over it. I've just always thought of the distinction as gender being physical attributes and sexuality applied to the
psychology. Perhaps even thats more of a gray area than I would have thought.
Look, I'm happy for them. I think it's pretty cool. And he is welcome to define himself any he wants.
I still find it disingenuous to promote the idea that "he" is having a baby.