NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #40

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #40

Since I started writing this weekly article 37 years ago, I have been asked the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface over nine thousand times. Today I can reveal that the first was Captain Luke Collingwood, of the British slave ship Zong.



The Zong took on too many slaves when it set sail in November 1781. Soon the crew and slaves began to succumb to malnutrition and disease. After 60 slaves and 7 crewmembers died, Collingwood had a great idea: Throw the rest of the slaves overboard. One hundred and thirty three people were thrown into the sea, where they drowned. Collingwood figured he could make a claim with the insurance company for the "lost cargo." Thankfully, he died before the ship reached Jamaica.



The insurance company put up a fight over the claim. Chief Justice Lord Mansfield (Asshole Fuckface #2) ruled "the case was the same as if horses had been thrown overboard" and the insurance company didn't have to pay a dime. (Phew) No one on the crew was charged for killing 133 people. As a matter of fact, Solicitor-General John Lee, (Asshole Fuckface #3) declared, "a master could drown slaves without a surmise of impropriety." All horrible, horrible people. Since that voyage, my people have been scouring the Earth for Asshole Fuckfaces. Each week, I search the news and reveal to you the worst of the worst. So, put on your catcher's mask, this is going to be ugly.



First up, sometimes Asshole Fuckfaces make 13-year-old girls take off their clothes.



Drugs is bad. You knows it, I knows it and schools knows it. And Savana Redding found out when she was in eighth grade. A Safford Middle School snitch told the vice-principal that Savana and her friends were bringing drugs to school. Then the snitch, aka the Asshole Fuckface, brought the vice principal a pill. It turned out to be prescription Ibuprofen.



Any decent Asshole Fuckface would spring into action - and that's just what school officials did. The Vice Principal searched Savana's backpack and sent her to the nurse's office, where they took a peak at her little titties and her vagina.

Wow, that's a serious Asshole Fuckface reaction to Ibuprofen. When Savana's mother found out about the strip search, she sued the school. For Savana, it was a bit of a bummer.

So weird. You'd think a 13-year-old being forced to show her tiny breasts and bush to school officials would be a wonderful experience.



The case is still winding its way through the courts. The Reddings lost and it is now being appealed. The Asshole Fuckfaces at the middle school clearly got the message.

Right. Don't forget that.



Next up, another Asshole Fuckface shows us how to take care of kids.



Meet Brian Havel. He's a teacher and an Asshole Fuckface. On Monday, one of Brian's students came to class late and Brian told the kid to do push-ups and sit-ups. Well, the kid pulled a Richard Gere on this Louis Gossett, Jr. and refused. That's when another student had a great idea.

This is the point where a non-Asshole Fuckface would say, "No." But Brian thought it was a great idea. So, the other students beat down the evil, tardy bastard.

Brian is looking at charges of child abuse.



Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who really, really loves patio furniture.



Look, I've seen some awesome patio furniture in my time. I've seen some nice wicker shit, a few classy iron pieces with big soft pillows and even a nice wooden love seat. As attractive as all of these pieces have been, I have never tried to fuck one. I think it's wrong to fuck furniture. That's how I was raised.



Apparently, Asshole Fuckface Matt Johnson was raised differently.

I think at one time in our life, we have all looked at a picnic table's hot pussy and thought; I'd like to hit that. I actually think they shouldn't make picnic tables with vaginas - but I know I'm in the minority.



A neighbor first spotted Art as he attempted to impregnate his picnic table.

The neighbor videotaped Price and did not put it on the Internet, which also makes him an Asshole Fuckface. Not since that horse fucked that guy to death has there been such an important video.



Price is now looking at four felonies, for giving his picnic table the ride of its life. I believe Price should be given a break if he made the table cum. It's only fair.



His three kids are obviously bummed - and thankful they don't have any umbrella holes on their bodies.



Next up, everybody's favorite Mexican hating Asshole Fuckface almost said a very bad thing.







Lou just stepped into the biggest pile of irony, ever. He spends a minute or so discussing how wrong Rice was to speak her mind. According to Lou,

Then whitey slips and shows us his true colors.

Cotton what? I'm sorry, did you mean "cotton picking politicians?" No, that's not the commonly used phrase. What about "Cotton picking black people?" No, that's not it either. There is only one word that goes on the end of "Cotton picking": Nigger. That is what Lou "the Asshole Fuckface" Dobbs had to stop himself from saying on air, during his speech about how Americans don't have a problem taking about race.



What a vile human being.



Next up, a lot of teenagers in Florida are Asshole Fuckfaces.



The state of Florida has been teaching kids abstinence-only sex education and it is paying off.

Well, obviously they are right about the Mountain Dew, but what the fuck are they thinking with the bleach? Everyone knows you drink Pine Sol to stop HIV.



Advocates are now trying to push a measure through the state Senate that will expand sex education beyond "Don't." They'd like to tell the kids about condoms, disease prevention and that drinking bleach doesn't stop HIV.

Right. That's why Florida has the sixth highest pregnancy rate in the US and the highest rate of 'bleach breath."



Finally, I'd just like you to watch four Asshole Fuckface morons attempt to have a serious discussion.







I have nothing to say.



Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will all receive a FearTheReaper money belt.

Oh my god! prescription strength Ibuprofen! You can...manage swelling pain and fever with that...wait a second.. I really cannot believe the stupidity of people sometimes. Prescription strength is usually 800mg. thats 4 over the counter pills. Not a huge deal, even for a 13 year old. To strip search a minor over that is ridiculous. Especially without any parental oversight or permission. And that the parents of the girl lost the lawsuit is unbelievable. its sad the idiots that are put in charge of schools.

And I thought the teachers and administrators at my school were assholes.

Also, am I the only person who thought of...

this may come out wrong for you but it sounds right to me.. Asshole fuckface #1 he may have been a horrible person but most of the slave drivers bought their slaves from other BLACK slave drivers. if you were white back then you would have slaves and don't deny it. All the rest was either wrong and/or humiliating... That's really all I have to say.

Thanks,
monsterjohn

Feel free to slither back into your hole since you have nothing of worth to say.

Figures it would come from you... Its really to bad ignorance doesn't hurt. Don't hate me because I'm smarter then you.. Any way I don't feel sorry for what happened to any one ever. It happens to every ones ancestors, I didn't do any of those things. I forgive you though

Umm, wrong. Other than the wealthy and upper class people (who are always a minority by definition), most people did not own slaves.

Plus, you seem to miss the point of that particular bit of the article. He was a mass murderer. Over 100 people were simply tossed overboard, while still alive. Or don't you count it as murder because they were slaves?

Tigerwong's comment hit the nail right on the head.

What is your point about the African role in slavery? Does African involvement make it any less wrong? Is it any less racist that Europeans and those of European descent treated people as commodities and enslaved the children of slaves? Does African involvement in the slave trade give free reign to deny personhood and Constitutional rights to people? Nothing you have said excuses American and European involvement and escalation of slavery, so quit being an apologist.

I am really curious how - even in theory - the involvement of some blacks denies all responsibility for harms suffered by other blacks. A parallel would be if a white person captured you and sold you into slavery in Angola. How would the fact that he was white excuse the wrong that was done to you? Would your new owners be morally blameless if they treated you as a commodity (or beat or murdered you)? I don't see what the logic of your argument is at all.

By the way, African forms of slavery were completely unlike the forms of slavery practiced in the United States and other colonial settings. Slaves were not slaves for life, their children were not automatically slaves, they maintained certain social rights (rights to marry, own property, receive payment for work, etc.). Often they also were included within the family that bought them, which marriage into the household being common. African slavery was more akin to indentured servitude than what we recognize as slavery. Of course, even this kind of slavery was inhuman and unacceptable, but it was a completely different form of servitude than American slavery. The Africans involved in the Atlantic slave trade likely did not know how much worse slaves sold to Westerners would be treated.

Oh, and fuck you for implying that slavery was neither wrong nor humiliating. Try reading some slave memoirs if you think that the other situations listed in the Fuckface Roundup are more wrong and humiliating than what the average slave experienced.

On what basis do you make that false claim? Most Europeans, Americans, or colonists did not own slaves. Moreover, the history of slavery is entwined with the history of resistance to slavery. Many religious groups and figures argued against slavery or participated in anti-slavery movements. By the time of the incident FTR lists, colonial America already had a formal abolitionist movement, the Quakers had officially condemned slavery, and an abolitionist movement was forming in Britain.

Abolitionist sentiments were hardly as widespread as today, but only a small percentage of individuals owned slaves and not every individual of European descent agreed with slavery. Some people even then were very active in abolishing slavery and halting the slave trade.

I hope that really is all you have to say because your racist bullshit has no place here. Find a different site.

Thank fucking Christ there is a whole website full of beautiful naked girls to help wash away all this asshole fuckfacery.

Do you have any evidence for your claim that you are smarter than him? So far, you have only shown that you are a racist apologist for slavery.

No one cares if you did any of those things. If you are as intelligent as you claim, you would at least be able to identify Tigerwong's criticism of you. He objects to your attempt to whitewash slavery; he does not accuse you of being involved in the slavery business.

I am curious why you said "It happens to every ones ancestors." No one has mentioned the descendants of slaves here. Did you just mindlessly copy and paste from a "Racist's FAQ for Discussions of Slavery" or something? Try to keep up with the rest of the class.

I can help you there: the logic of his argument is, "I don't have to give a crap about slavery or its legacy because black people did it too, so there! And anyway I'm smarter than you LOL!!1!"

Everyone hates you because you are a vile, wretched excuse for a human being. If you took that sheet off your head long enough to see the world around you, you may realize you're not the smartest egg in the basket there bucko.
Lucky for us you are so very forgiving.

Amazing.

By the way, I have heard the phrase 'Cotton Picking' thrown out before a lot of words. Yet well, I guess when you think about it? Yeah, I guess there's a reason it was a nice way of saying goddamn back in the day.

Imagine what they might have done to the girl if it had been medical morphine.

That automatically allows the school to do an anal probe at the next school assembly.

Yeah, he's just going down the "Racist's Guide to Slavery Discussions Checklist."

1. Deny blame by noting that Africans were involved in the Atlantic slave trade. If other people were doing it, we can too. Ignore any differences in the slave systems.

2. Claim that everyone else would have owned slaves too. Ignore abolitionist movement, religious critiques of slavery, facts about slave ownership rates, the Civil War, etc.

3. Deny personal involvement to marginalize slavery as a distant event. Everything that happened really long ago was ok.

4. Relativize slavery by arguing that everyone has had to endure hardships. Equate European colonial experiences to that of slaves because they have no meaningful differences.

5. Bring up descendants of slaves. Try the red herring of reparations payments.

etc.

I'm kind of excited to see what's next...

I am wagering on a: "But some of my very best friends are black." He might even try the "I have a black girlfriend" card if we are really lucky.

... with one of these.

Actually, given that he's only made three comments since he joined the site - two of them in this thread - I'm not holding my breath that he'll be back.

I'm wondering if he might be a reincarnation of a previous troll. Wasn't there a "monstertruck" or something a while back?

Yeah, but I think he (Montestruc or whatever) was a libertarian troll. Despite the dangers of those creatures, they are usually not racist. This guy seems to be someone else.

Then again, there was that thread where oyaji cornered montestruc into a tacit admission that he thought businesses should be allowed to be "whites-only."

Don't mess with the right of Free Association. That Monstertruck ?

Different guy. Same flavor.
I think Texas has a secret troll making factory.

PERILOUS.

Actualy I have like 3 black friends I'm from Texas I've never dated any one outside of my race and the reason I didn't reply was because I was on watch. Have a day