NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #37

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #37

God set aside today for the minions to read the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Many people have asked me over the years the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface. I believe anyone asking such a question is an Asshole Fuckface. Why can’t you just be happy with the current crop of Asshole Fuckfaces? Must we always live in the past? Did Eckhart Tolle go through intense suffering and come to a profound realization so idiots could constantly ramble about the past? No, he did not. Get the fuck over it.

I bring you the worst people on the Earth every week, so that you may feel better about yourself. The key to happiness is knowing others are beneath you, rolling around in their own filth. So, put on your vinyl hoodie and let’s get this bitch started.

First up, an Asshole Fuckface school security officer is roaming around the Bronx.

This incident came to light this week due to a lawsuit, but the actual Asshole Fuckfacery was committed in 2006. Two years ago, Jaden Diaz and Christopher Brito were a couple of four-year-olds in pre-school at CS 2211. They made the horrible mistake of refusing to take a nap during naptime. You don’t refuse to nap when Asshole Fuckfaces are in charge.

The substitute teacher took them into an empty classroom and left them alone. Did I mention they were both four? That’s when the school safety officer entered and HAND CUFFED THEM.

Nap, motherfucker! Nap or I will kill you!

Oh, he forgot to mention rape. Any four-year-old in prison is going to be raped. Now, go to sleep.

Next up, a group of Asshole Fuckfaces who define the term “blind faith.”

The rumors started a couple of months ago. The Virgin Mary was appearing in the Kottayam district of India. People began flocking to the site, to get a glimpse of Mother Mary, who was apparently in the sky. Exciting mysterious events were also happening in a house.

Last week, there was a “mad rush” to get to Kottayam. Hundreds of Asshole Fuckfaces came and looked into the sky, staring at the sun until they lost their sight.

It’s really a shame they weren’t actually able to jump into the sun.

Asshole Fuckfaces who have to be told not to stare at the sun until they can’t see don’t deserve sight. But apparently the warning and the hospitalizations aren’t stopping the faithful.

Keep up the good work, the Lord would be proud of you.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who refused to shit or get off the pot.

A couple of years ago, in Wichita, Kansas, Pam Babcock went to the bathroom. She never returned. I don’t want to make it sound like she disappeared in a ghost bathroom. Pam just went and sat down on the toilet and then decided that’s where she wanted to spend the rest of her life.

To make the story even more fucked up, it wasn’t even her house. She was at her boyfriend Kory McFarren's house. Kory did his best to get her to come out. As most of us would have done, he brought her food and water (not needed) and “asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.”

Yeah, tomorrow’s good. Finally, Kory called the cops -- after two fuckng years.

When the cops arrived, to say the situation did not look good would be an understatement.

Well, at least she had a place to shit. It’s called a silver lining people – don’t let anyone tell you I’m a cynic. Some people see a toilet bowl covered in lady, I see a toilet bowl... nevermind.

And yet, incredibly comfortable.

At some point in your life, you have to get off the toilet and face the world – or at least the couch. Or, just roll into the hallway.

Police have still not determined whether or not they will file charges against the boyfriend. Hopefully those two crazy kids can work it out. Although, I’m going to make a bold statement and say that their sex life was not great. Oh, God, I hope it was not great.

That boyfriend didn’t know when to draw the line. My next Asshole Fuckface was a bit too quick on the trigger.

A Chinese couple was married on February 2nd, but it didn’t last long. It was reported they fought a lot in their brief marriage and on March 4th, shared a bottle of booze after an argument. Oh, and dude had smelly feet.

I’m guessing his feet actually smell worse now. Burned flesh kind of reeks. The bride has been arrested.

Finally, we’re going to wrap up the Roundup with a bit more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sally Kern is an Oklahoma State Legislator. And her life is in jeopardy because she is brave enough to be Asshole Fuckface. Listen.



Sweet. Someone who is not an Asshole Fuckface recorded Sally and her speech was placed on the internet. Now, Sally is facing quite a bit of criticism -- but she is not backing down.

No, nothing hateful at all. You’re just a lady claiming that people’s sexual orientation will destroy our country. I don’t know how anybody could see that as hateful.

That's called Democracy and a difference of political opinions, sweetie. Kern has been fighting the Asshole Fuckface battle against gays for a long time. She entered the Oklahoma House in 2004 and attempted to block funding for libraries that "did not segregate books with homosexual or sexually explicit material from children's sections."

Like "Farmer Walter’s Magic Anus and The Sausage", for instance. Also, "Man Man, Rub Rub, Happy Happy," and "Those Balls Fit in My Mouth!"

Rumors are now surfacing that Sally may have a gay man-child. An online “gay news service” called Queerty is floating the rumor that her son, James Kern, may be gay James Kern.

Oh, my. Cruising toilets for gay sex at a Baptist University? How totally not shocking. James, of course, is denying his desire for sweet man anus.

Uh, what? I was with you when you said that first sentence, but then you drove the bus off a cliff and it burst into flames, smashed into a deep valley, exploded, turned into a ball of metal, crashed through the Earth’s crust, entered the inner core and destroyed the planet.

That’s how I know something has been taken out of context – putting my hands over my ears and screaming. Oh, I should also mention that Jimbo is 31. Sally’s done a fine job with that boy.

Dude, try anal. Seriously. Or a blowjob. Get your dick in something moist. In a matter of minutes you will know how so very wrong you are. Wait, turns out gay Jimmy does know.

Oh, dear. I do love the internets. Accept the cock, Jimmy. It’s your only way out of this mess.

Before I wrap up this Kern Asshole Fuckface nonsense, I feel I have to mention what Sally is up to in the Oklahoma State House. She is one of a few lawmakers pushing HB 2211. It’s a fantastic law.

So, a kid could just write, “God did it” on his geology test and get a passing grade. Fucking amazing.

Seacrest out.

On that last one, just as amazing that they teach as fact a therory that that has no basis in fact. No scientific proof. As a matter of mact some heve tried to phony up proof for this therory such as the peltdown man, that later proved to be falsifed. We have a fossil record that actually tends to disprove it. Yet is taught in our schools a a fact. In any other Scientific study it would not be stated as a fact untill proven to be so. What is the point here, just because something is stated as true does not make it so. A lot of science is taken of faith, ones religion. Carl Sagan a well known scientist believed in a creator, just by his study of the heavens. S o what is wrong in putting ones beliefs into there study of the world and science.Think about it! We may not be alone in this universe. The Truth is out there.

Ah, yes, my home state.

Remember, folks, this is where a judge was caught using a penis pump under his robes while hearing cases.

Sally Kern is certainly not alone in her fuckfacery:

Tom Coburn:

Jim Inhoffe:

Oklahoma Republican Party 2007 Platform
Theocracy and homophobia on the march!

How can they charge this guy because a woman didn't leave his toilet for two years!

I mean if enabling is a crime, I have a whole list of assholes!

Yeah, um... you're crazy.

Carl Sagan was an agnostic who dedicated a huge portion of his career to popularizing science. how you could bring him into your argument is laughable.

I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true. [Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism]

What's wrong with it, if I actually understand what you are saying, is that:

- the fossil record strongly supports evolution.

- nobody knows who made the Piltdown man "fossils", so knowing why it was done is a little tricky.

- the bill quoted says that if you believe something different for religious reasons, and say so, that's a passing grade. If I told you that my religion says that cars should be fuelled on meat, would you let me fix your ride?

i think the hotelier who made up the bullshit about statues leaking golden delicious fried chicken out of their anuses is a much bigger asshole fuckface than the locals (who were probably impoverished and poorly educated if at all) who came to stare at the sun.
also, i would like to thank mrs. kern for educating me on the fact that gays have a higher suicide rate because it is a biblically destructive lifestyle. pheeeewwww, i was really worried for a second. i thought it might have been because of internal and external turmoil they experience due to societal intolerance. god, that would have meant it was our responsibility to treat other humans with the respect they deserve. wow, we narrowly escaped that one...

These are the kinda people I was talking about a while back when I voiced my opposite to universal health care.

Also, I'd like to contradict Sally Kern's statement, and point out that both Ancient Greece, and Ancient Rome were ok with homosexuality, and they lasted for centuries.

I think I've got how it is all connected! The security officer was mad at the boys, not because they didn't want to nap, but because they didn't want to nap together in an obvious attempt at gay indoctrination; The woman on the toilet wasn't stuck there, she was just protecting her bung-hole from her obviously indoctrinated gay boyfriend who wasn't interested in her vadge; The couple in the hotel were arguing over sending their son to Anal Elementary; And the people who were staring at the sun were told to do so by God, as a preventative measure, so they wouldn't have to watch their civilization disappear if a gay man somehow came to power.

TaDa!!!

If they teach you the theory of evolution in school, then test you on it, you should know the theory and be able to answer questions. Just as if they test you on the Pythagorean theorem, you should be able to describe it.

They aren't requiring students to believe it. Just to understand the idea.

I didn't give a shit what the capital of Nebraska was when I was a kid. But it's still something I was required to learn. And not say "Because God is everywhere, the capital of Nebraska is God."

Believe what you want. But earn your passing grade.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

Mr. Cruise, is that you?

Anyone find her comment about childhood indoctrination ironic?

The expression "Shit or get off the pot" was invented precisely to prevent such misfortunes from happening.

Dammit, you beat me to it.

The sins of the parents shouldn't be passed onto the son. I think the Kern boy was right in just saying peoples sexuality is no ones else's business. The dumb ass women made a harmful speech and now people are trying to rub salt into the wound. If you are gonna confront her about her speech, then do so..there was no need to bring her son into it, he is not the one who made the speech.
I feel sorry for the man. He has been dropped into a loaded situation, he is not media savvy and being made to look like a fool and all he is trying to do is what any good son would do...defend his mother, and protect his own interests. If he says he is not gay,who actually cares if he is gay? people should just concern themselves with the fact that they have legislator who is discriminating.

Is that the picture of two Studebaker hubcaps welded together? I've heard they make the best alien craft.

Shit, I could have avoided that D+ in my high school senior pre-calculus class just by writing the word "God" for every answer.

Hearing about stuff like this just makes me want to curl up into a small ball and die...

Hearing stuff like this almost makes me understand sitting on a toilet for two years ( can you imagine just how asleep her legs were?)
And if someone did that to my kids, I would be just furious!!!!
Can we put the security guard in cuffs on a toilet for two years as punishment?

I salute you.

Can I buy some pot from you? The shit I got now doesn't work as good as yours seems to.

I do not happen to believe in christ. I am not a christian and no one in my family is. If my son were to express his religious views in a class would he still get the full credit? I think not. My faith believes that women are powerful and that there were several gods that condoned homosexuality. And that sex is sacred. I highly doubt that they would take the religious views on anyone not of the christian faith.

And as to the gay bashing republicans. I think that the people in this nation should stand up and take no more of their bullshit.

I am sick and tired of being represented by the bigots and assholes because my neighbors are to fucking g blind to see the truth. I hate that my vote did not count in the last presidential election as I was in the red state of Nevada.

I am not back in Washington and My vote will matter this time.

Why do we lt these kind of people run our government?
We live in a democracy that is supposed to be for the people by the people, yet only those with money and power are heard.

Liberals want to treat dogs like people. Conservative want to treat people like dogs. Given the choice, which would you rather in office?

Go out and vote people. We can make a difference!