NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #35

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #35

Happy Asshole Fuckface day. As I tour the country, speaking of Asshole Fuckfacery of yesteryear, I am often asked, “Who was the first?” After 84 hours of meditation, I am ready to reveal his name: Ethelred Unraed, King of the English (978–1016). In the year 1002, Ethey was experiencing an uneasy truce with the Vikings. Like most Asshole Fuckfaces during a truce, he thirsted for blood.

On November 13th, 1002, he ordered "to be slain all the Danish people who were in England...” The English went nuts. On St. Brice’s day, women were buried up to their waists and dogs chewed off their nipples, children were crushed against doorposts or under rocks and men were cut down with swords. In Oxford, some Danes sought refuge in St Frideswide's Church. They burned that fucker down, along with every Dane inside. The number of dead is unknown, because in the year 1002 not many people were packing calculators. Ethelred was immediately declared the first Asshole Fuckface and a year later the Vikings invaded and Ethey scurried off to Normandy.

Ever since that day, my people have located the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world and forced them into the light. They are nasty creatures. So, put on your rubber apron, this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asian Asshole Fuckface activity.

Ah, China. If it were possible to make a profit, China would convince people to eat Drano. They could give a shit about humanity or the environment. The country is an environmental disaster and they only respond when excessive pollution results in a loss of business.

Take Lake Chao. Chao is one of China’s five largest fresh water lakes. As the Chinese economy explodes, so does industry. Around Chao, that means toxins and untreated sewage released into the lake from hundreds of factories. Lake Chao is now one of China’s biggest environmental disasters and fisheries on the lake have been destroyed.

Thankfully, the Chinese government has a plan. China will release 1.5 million silver carp into the lake. The carp do well in low-oxygen water and eat the algae that grows in toxic, high-nitrogen, polluted bodies of water. It’s a win-win! The algae soaks up the pollution, then the fish eat the algae! Yay!

Wow, that’s awesome. But, why not just have people eat the toxins directly? What's wrong with serving up a blue algae cancer pie? Maybe turn the lake into a big Asshole Fuckface soup and let the country come down and slurp away?

Anyway, don’t buy fish from China. Actually, don’t buy anything from China.

What’s an Asshole Fuckface who works at Fox News to do when confronted with a story about a child molester? Obviously, grab some tape that has something, anything to do with Barack Obama.



Nice work. Expect a lot more pathetic subliminal Asshole Fuckfacery this year.

Sometimes Asshole Fuckfaces kill themselves and for that we should all be thankful.

Meet Ronald Barbour. Actually, you can’t, because he jumped off a building. But you can read his goodbye manifesto, because he wrote it up on his blog.

Oh, dear. Things must not have been going well for Ronald. Some people don’t see anyway out of the hell they are in and are take their own lives. Often, their depression clouds their mind and unable to see that life can get better, they end it.

Oh. Fair enough. He killed himself for other reasons. I’m sure they are good reasons, because he was a right-wing blogger.

I don't know how to say this, so I'm going to use a picture.



The monks who set themselves on fire during the Vietnam War died to protest killing. This Asshole Fuckface killed himself because we aren’t killing enough people. Bye.

Those interested can read Asshole Fuckface's manifesto here:

Next up, you can always count on a gun nut to make it into the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, but this is something entirely new.

Obviously we have been affected by the horrible shootings at Northern Illinois University and Virginia Tech. Schools have altered their security plans and students across the nation are a bit on edge. They were certainly freaked out when an Asshole Fuckface entered a classroom at Elizabeth City State University armed with a gun.

Scary shit. And the dude sounded fucking crazy.

First off, welcome to the bottom of the lung transplant list. You also could have blown up a tuna boat because it is equally as relevant. And second, way to help out the grading curve.

Some of the students thought the gun was fake, but Wang didn’t because it was pressed against his back. Either way, they couldn’t be sure. After 10 minutes security burst into the room and subdued the man. It couldn’t have been too difficult to subdue him because he was not actually a real gunman. It was a drill. Apparently it went over very well.

Hi, lawsuit, my name is everybody. Fake gunman is lucky one of those students didn’t bring a gun to school and put a bullet through his skull.

The school apologized, but did explain they had warned students and faculty there would be a drill, via email and text messages. Which is great, because nobody changes their email or phone number.

Yeah. We all learned that you are an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, dude goes TJ Hooker Asshole Fuckface on his lady.

What do you do if you are an Asshole Fuckface fighting with your girlfriend and she jumps into her car and tries to take off? Apparently, if you’re William Kremer, you don’t let it stop your sweet, sweet fighting.

It’s like good TJ Hooker went though the transporter and was sent to a parallel universe, while evil TJ Hooker was sent to Haverstraw, New York. 98% chance he has a goatee.

William’s lady, Stacey Sperrazza, drove with the air bag inflated for as long as possible. Finally she was forced to stop and William jumped off the car. Then she hit him with the car.

No way either of these two ever do meth.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each get a FearTheReaper tongue scraper.

Meth is the great equalizer.

As for that school drill, in all schools that would be a bad idea, but in others it would be worse. One of the other instructors where I work is something like a 9th level blackbelt in some obscure form of Karate (the details escape me for a moment), teaches classes in it, and is an all-around bad-ass Mutha-Buddist. (hip replacement surgery with a local anesthetic and meditative breathing) I can just imagine if someone trying to pull even a fake gun on him in a class-room setting. They would be dead before the door even finished closing.

Now . . . if we could just get the rest of the right-wing nut jobs to follow the jumper's lead. C'mon guys, get your flying protest on!

Wow... Just.... Really? Wow.

I just choked on my cereal.

It's seriously such a bad idea to have a "gunman drill" at a school...or anywhere for that matter.

Crazy guy jumping from a building, saying that Islam is to blame for the world's woes? Ehh...Whatever.

People who think that security drills in schools are necessary are almost as diluted as people who think concealed carry laws will prevent these (rare) tragedies.

Go masturbate to a western.

oh yeah! I remember reading about that in the Times.
come on, FTR...give the self edit a few more run throughs. otherwise, good stuff.

what idiot at that university came up with that idea. someone should walk up and punch them in the face, throw them down, grab their cash...and then hand it back to them and say "this has been a mugging drill." (sarcasm)

besides...isn't the point of a drill to enact some sort of prearranged plan? fire drills you knew where you were supposed to go etc. they didn't consist of some person bursting into a room of first graders and yelling "the building is on fire!" just to see what all the kids would do.

The worst are the ones who want college students to be allowed to carry concealed on campus. After the VT shooting, I heard some of those nuts on the local conserva-radio call in show, talking about how they were telling their sons (but never their daughters) to take a pistol back to school with them. Scares the hell out of me.

So what will happen when another AFF runs a "security drill" and an off-duty cop, CCW permit holder, or just a paranoid nut case with an illegal gun shoots the fake gunman?

This is also not the first time some genius decided that a terrorize the students drill was a great idea.

Perhaps we can put together a list of suitable buildings for conservative bloggers to leap from?

not to fan the flames, but enacting concealed carry laws generally lowers the violent crime rate in an area. I'm not saying that guns save lives, or any of the other heroic bullshit the right spouts... I am saying that the two are not directly related. Virginia Tech would not have been stopped by more guns, nor would it have been stopped by fewer guns.

IMHO the only reason that concealed carry should be legal is to keep citizens prepared for the coming
Zombie Apocalypse

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

= DEAD

Can someone do a study to find out just how many "accidents" Fox News has had where they show a clip of Obama or one of his supporters during a segment on terrorists or child molesters or people who talk in movie theaters?

ThatTalentedHack said:

KUNGFOO said:
People who think that security drills in schools are necessary are almost as diluted as people who think concealed carry laws will prevent these (rare) tragedies.

Go masturbate to a western.

not to fan the flames, but enacting concealed carry laws generally lowers the violent crime rate in an area. I'm not saying that guns save lives, or any of the other heroic bullshit the right spouts... I am saying that the two are not directly related. Virginia Tech would not have been stopped by more guns, nor would it have been stopped by fewer guns.

IMHO the only reason that concealed carry should be legal is to keep citizens prepared for the coming
Zombie Apocalypse

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

= DEAD

first off, i should like to point out how nearly everybody carrying a gun has done wonders for reducing the crime rate in Texas. oh, wait, no it hasn't. it's one of the most dangerous states to live in. while i'm not entirely suggesting that everybody packing heat has drastically increased the rate of crime there, as i believe that Texans would still be as gleeful about killing each other with or without such a heavy proliferation of firearms, it sure as fuck hasn't helped.

second, YOU FOOL! handguns are just a hair above useless in the Zombipocalypse! if preparation for that is what you have in mind, everybody needs to get good with shotguns.

That's bullshit scylis. I'm sorry, but a bunch of people mad with fear using shotguns? You're bound to be as dangerous to your friends as the zombies are. If a zombie grabs a loved one, you can certainly hit it with a rifle, but how will you avoid hitting your loved with with the spread of a shotgun?
Second of all, they are loud. Zombies will come from a mile around; farther if you are in a big open area.
3rd, they're heavy, and take forever to reload, even if you are trained. Shells are a pain to cart around

Anyway, I saw that Fox News clip last year, months ago. Didn't you already write about it?

That's the thing, I think it's a different one (I could be wrong -- wouldn't be the first time -- but I think they've used a clip of his rallies during other "negative" stories as well). This isn't the first time they've done this, hence my earlier comment.

That and everyone knows the very best weapon in a Zombie Apocalypse is quick thinking. You have to know how to use your weapons. Zombies aren't really the fastest things on the planets, and they definitely aren't intelligent, you can kill one with a Louisville Slugger if need be

So what was that Fox News Affiliates excuse for airing that?

If/when the zombies come, I nominate old vinyl records for weapons.

Ed: "Batman soundtrack?"
Shaun: "Toss it."

there is only one place you can hit a zombie with a handgun that will "kill" it: the head. do you really expect everybody in your hastily thrown together mishmash of hapless zombipocalypse survivors to always be able to get head shots while being scared shitless because they're being attacked by zombies? if you do, you're a fool.

shotguns and slug rounds are good because they're everywhere. ideally, a nice 7.62mm NATO or the newer 6.8mm chambered assault rifle would be grand, but getting a hold of them is not the easiest prospect (i'm not fond of 5.56 round, as it has proven to not be the best at putting down live enemies as fast as would be desirable, much less mindless, unfeeling undead). you'd have to find a location that has them (police station or army base, most likely) and then raid it, which is just plain stupid because there'll be tons of zombies there, should they have been overrun. shotguns can be found all over the place, are easy to use, and pack a good punch. also, most hunting rifles are bolt action, hindering firepower when the zombies are in close, though they should be grabbed if you have an open, defensible location as your base.

but this thread is about asshole fuckfaces, not zombies.

cricket bats.

Hilary is much scarier than anything you can find in history. Let's just watch the current horror show. BTW has the grapevine said anything about the "lone gunman" she is hiring? One must always have a lone gunman in the lurch you know.

Actually, she hired these guys:

Damn double post.

A School Shooting Drill? In which a random guy enters a random classroom with a gun and threatens to kill everyone?

Gosh, there's no way that could be a bad idea.

The jumper's manifesto said, "Quarantine or genocide. There are no other options." So I for one will see his death as a positive event. No great loss.

Deluded.

And I don't think anyone assumes security drills will prevent school shootings, they hope they will lessen the casualties, should one occur.

The example in this story is so far from a reasonable "security drill" that I don't even know how they think they can rightfully call it that. Maybe they hired Ashton Kutcher to script it.