NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #30

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #30

Asshole Fuckfacery has been around for hundreds of years. The very first Asshole Fuckface was a man named Thug Behram, who was a member of the Indian Thugee Cult during the early 1800s. Thug is considered the most prolific serial killer of all time, having murdered 931 victims with his cult. Most of the victims were travelers and all were strangled with a ceremonial cloth. Eventually, the British came into the picture and Thug was executed. Since Asshole Fuckface was not a catchy name for the punks on London streets, the name Thug was adopted. But make no mistake about it; Thug Behram was the first Asshole Fuckface in history. Since his death, my people have searched the Earth for Asshole Fuckfaces to point at and yell. Today, I scour the weekly news to find the worst of the worst and present them to you to judge and mock. So, put on your body latex, this is going to be ugly.



You really find out whom the Asshole Fuckfaces are when a young actor dies.



Certainly no one can be surprised when Asshole Fuckface Hall of Famers, the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, pop up on a roundup. After Health Ledger's death, the fanatical attention whores released a statement that has no comparison in its Asshole Fuckface message.







Are there not enough actual gays to picket? Now you kids actually have to picket actors who just pretended to be gay for a couple of months? I don't want to tell you guys where to focus, but you seem to be a bit off gay hate track.

Look, I respect a hateful attack as much as anyone, but this comes across as a bit Mad-Libby. If one is going to use the words "slime" and "vomit," I suggest losing "tacky" from the same sentence. I don't even know what a "tacky bucket" is, to be honest. I've seen slimy buckets, and I can picture a bucket of vomit, but not a "tacky bucket." To me, a "tacky bucket" is bedazzled with a sparkly, gold handle and fake tulips around the edge. Even if the "bucket' reference was appropriate, for instance, if there were two gays guys fucking in a bucket, and one was offended, it would not be tacky. It would be hideous.

But all of that is pointless, because every member of the Westboro Baptist Cult is an Asshole Fuckface. Unfortunately, they aren't the only ones.



Fox News anchor John Gibson decided to get in on the act of making fun of Ledger's death. Listen here.



Ha, ha. Hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard since I got hit in the head with a pipe and received 10 stitches. Gibson's comedic delivery is impeccable and his wit unparalleled.

Weee. How can you not love this guy? Gibson is so deep and thoughtful. People in their 20s should not be thinking about death, no matter what is or has occurred in their life, or if their body is chemically predisposed to depression, or if they are emotionally and physically exhausted, or if their marriage has recently ended. No one in their 20s should be thinking about death. Ever. That is how Asshole Fuckfaces look at the world. Hopefully, The Gibber has to think about death soon.



Next up, it turns out some Asshole Fuckfaces were actually so impressed with the disaster known as the Iraq War, that they want to take things up a notch.

Oh, good. A pre-emptive nuclear attack would really improve the current state of the world. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. Imagine how great it would have been if we had just nuked Iraq, instead of invading and occupying. That way, there would never have been a lack of proof of WMDs, because the entire country would be a smoldering ruin. We would have actually attacked Iraq for a reason! It's a win-win!



The Asshole Fuckfaces who have come up with this beautiful strategy are former "armed force chiefs" from the US, Britain, Germany, France and the Netherlands. And they are really, really smart.

Indeed. As a matter of fact, we should drop a nuke on any country that has a nuclear weapon, because if we don't someone might use a nuclear weapon. I'm joking, of course, but they are not.

Ugh. Sometimes I think we're all going to be Asshole Fuckfaced. NATO will discuss the proposal at a summit in April. Hopefully they are not as retarded as those five idiots.



Next up, our new Asshole Fuckface friends in Afghanistan.



Sayed Parwez Kaambakhsh, who I will henceforth call "The Kaamer," made the horrible mistake of downloading an article from the Internet about women's rights and Islam. The article questioned why men can have four wives, but women can't. He then passed the article out to his fellow journalism students at Balkh University. He may as well have stuck in ice pick into Allah's back.

The trial was held in secret and The Kaamer's family did not even know it was underway, until the verdict was released. The Kaamer also made a tragic error of acting as his own attorney, which is amazing, considering how many times a day Law & Order runs. All he had to do was watch a couple of episodes and he'd know you should never defend yourself. The case now will be heard by two appeals courts.



Finally, sometimes a news story comes along that details how fucking Asshole Fuckfacery Americans can be.



A few women in Springfield, Missouri stepped into the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame this week, when they got tattoos from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. Holy fucking shit. How stupid can Americans get?

Why wouldn't you? Clearly, it's a great deal and think of all the money you can save!

What a great time to stop and say, "Hey, I'm going to pass." I mean, black tape and a fishing line, what could possibly go wrong?

Oh, right. HIV. I ain't thought 'bout no AIDS when the fella's stickin' that dirty needle in me fat.

Really? That is something we actually have to be told? Because I would have thought when a random guy showed up with a homemade tattoo gun, any human would immediately think "bad idea." Apparently, I was wrong. It really opens up a future for entrepreneurs.

But the ladies just wanted something sexy for their bodies.

No, you're paying for being a retarded Asshole Fuckface.



Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You all get to watch a sketch from a Fox pilot FearTheReaper wrote on this summer.

An army of people in Joker masks need to swarm Fox News and lay waste to everything in sight. John Gibson is just further proof that that network is a pimple on the boil in the asshole of society.

Fucking fuck. Now I have to go to work pissed having read those bullshit comments. May Gibson get skullfucked by a biker, catch AIDS, and die with several metal tubes shoved up his ass.*

Oh, and can't those inbred cocks over at the Westboro Church all just have their jaws fall off?! Damn it.

EDIT: And their fingers. And their toes. And the stumps that would be called their hands.

I still think the thing that makes the WBC permenant Asshole Fuckfaces is using their kids to hold up their hate signs. But, I guess when the whole sect consists of about 25 people, mostly related, you have to use what you got.

Maybe we can convince the WBC to protest his home funeral instead of the Stateside one. If they did fly over there, our Aussie friends could introduce them to some of the indigenious carnivorous lifeforms.

Yes! Dingoes ate my Baptists!

^^^sorry, I had to edit after reading the MSN story

That right there is the best reason not to have a theist government. Just think of what would happen if our own fundies gained some form of political control: women being stoned for showing cleavage, gay couples shot on sight, Inquisition-esque conversion (probably on Pay-Per-View).

Well, at least then there would actually have been WMDs in Iraq.

Also, is there some way we could convince NATO to launch a pre-emptive nuclear attack against Fox News and the Westboro Baptist Church?

Huckabee or Romney ring a bell?

You know every now and then I wonder if my hatred for Fox News is really just me being a crazy leftist. Then one of their anchors pulls some shit like Johnny boy did, I pass out with rage, then have dreams of a world where ridiculous fucking morons aren't allowed to have microphones. Thanks for renewing my faith in my hatred.

Tell them they have wmds ?

"pssst , NATO."
*nods head toward Fox News*

Jeez, I don't know which is worse - twisted hatred from the religious wingnuts, or Gibson making fun of a tragedy.

I'm about ready to start handing out torches and pitchforks.

Fox News is fucking garbage. In my first-year Journalism class we actually had a whole lecture dedicated to Faux News, and how utterly crappy they are. Here's a fun tip/ drinking game: take a shot whenever a "news anchor" on Fox News says, "sources say/ according to sources." You'll probably be dead by the end of the news hour.

i just googled john gibson,, WHAT A CREEPY LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.

So whatever happened to "Love the sinner, hate the sin"? Is Jesus a little too much of a hippy to sway that crowd or something?

look, if the WBC picketed soldiers' funerals because they thought the government is a bunch of gay-loving bastards (?!?), them getting their panties in a twist over Ledger's funeral isn't surprising. horribly despicable, low down, and morally bankrupt, but not surprising.

i am be angerous now.

I read the Asshole Fuckface Roundup for the lessons in language, myself.

You do realize that tattoo thing was from two years ago, right?

I liked the etymology lesson though. Very cool.

Do you have to take a moment to spray paint something?

I do.

That Gibson dude speaks with words of wisdom. Everyone knows it's unnatural for people 40 and under to think about death because she don't ever come until you're 65 or older.

I am not certain if we should be criticizing that Islamic court. According to moral relativism, their way could be as good as ours.

Well fortunately our Government isnt run by a bunch of religious nutbag assholes...wait...ahh shit.

never insult thne thugee. they wereskilled assassinsand in a weird way. protectors of culture. so back off they made the assshole fuckface brit's suffer almost beyond repair. the brittish empire insme ways were worse than the romanempire!
whats your problem with sexual honesty r u a ho0lly roller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My roomate just read me something from Calvin himself (you know, the founder of what has turned into crazy baptists) and it goes thusly:

If Baptists aren't even following the creator of their sect, then who the fuck are they following, and can they even still be called Baptists/Christians? I think these people should die horribly painful deaths, and I plan to boycott their funerals on grounds that these people should have been burned at the stake rather than buried in a cemetery with people that might have actually been good people.