NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #26

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #26

Saturday, the day God set aside for Asshole Fuckface revelations. There is much confusion about the origins of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, so I would like to clear it up. The first Asshole Fuckface was a Spaniard named Tomas de Torquemada. Pope Sixtus IV made him Grand Inquisitor and he dug his job. He burned around 2,000 people to death and killed many others with various tortures. Tommy was also one of the men behind the expulsion of all Jews from Spain in 1492, which was weird because his grammy was a Jew. Go figure. As Tommy lay on his deathbed, his body riddled with God’s gift of syphilis, he giggled and said, “I am such an Asshole Fuckface, yeah?” Then he released his bowels and died. True story. My ancestors on a tiny green island in the north carved the first roundup that week on the sides of potatoes and handed them out to the masses to read and eat. Today, I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst and deliver them unto you on the interwebs. So, put on your flight suits and helmets, this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckfaces don’t know that tigers are kept in cages for a reason.

Meet Jayaprakash Bexbaruah, a father of two who decided to take his kids to the zoo this week. They went to their local zoo in northeastern India and Jaya brought his camera to record the day’s events.

At the tiger cage, Jaya started taking pictures but he just wasn’t getting that magical shot. So, he climbed over the fence that separates the people from the cage holding the large predators to get a closer shot. But that was still not good enough. I guess those damn bars were fucking up his pictures, so Jaya his held his camera through the bars to take a shot.

Turns out tigers are not idiots. As soon as the piece of meat attached to a camera came through the cage, they pounced and latched onto his arm. People tried to knock the tigers back with “sticks and branches” but those kinds of things don’t work on TIGERS. The tigers then took off Jaya’s arm and had a delightful lunch. Jaya died in an ambulance from a loss of blood.

Here is a delightful picture for those of you with strong stomachs.

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have clicked on that link.

Now, some may ask, “Why is Jaya an Asshole Fuckface? He made a terrible mistake and paid the ultimate price.” No, he did not. His kids actually did, by seeing their father killed by tigers. That is the kind of traumatic event that can turn people into psychopaths. Or freaks. I know it doesn’t make for well-adjusted people.

Next up, how about a lighter story about some home bred political
Asshole Fuckfacery?

The Bush administration never gets tired of telling the state of California to go fuck itself. And this week was no different. In 2004, California proposed new auto emission standards that would force a 30% cut in greenhouse gas emissions. The cutbacks were supposed to begin with 2009 models. The changes would have forced automakers to produce cars and light trucks that get 43 miles to the gallon. Bush said no.

Remember the idea that Republicans and conservatives are for states' rights? That is a load of shit, they only back states' rights when it serves their purposes. In this case, the EPA claimed that:

Well, it is actually impossible to make a compelling case against an administration that is at war with science and reason.

Right, that's what you want to do with abortion, not the environment. Has this set up not been working well for all these years? And does the fact that 17 states have stricter air quality standards than the government tell you anything?

Schwarzenegger said the 17 states would take the EPA to federal court. But as of now, federal law will only require a 35-mpg standard. Considering that Toyota made a car that got 57 mpg in 1987, I'd say these Asshole Fuckfaces have been slacking off.

Next, you can always look to Hollywood to find Asshole Fuckfaces and this week is no different.

I’d like to introduce you to the Motion Picture Association of America, a non-profit, studio created group of Asshole Fuckfaces who create our voluntary ratings system. They are known for making arbitrary, bullshit decisions that greatly affect the amount of money a movie can make. Sometimes they make decisions for political reasons.

A “one-sheet” is an advertisement. This advertisement was apparently not suitable for children. Did I mention is an image taken from a documentary?

Now, let us go back in time and remember the billboard for the movie Captivity. This one was okay with the MPAA way back in March.



See the tube going into the tortured woman in a mask? That's okay. A real picture of the back of a guy in a hood is bad.

The MPAA claimed the hood was the reason kids would be freaked out. Kids never see or understand hoods, I guess. Oh, and by the way, the MPAA also rejected a one-sheet for the 2006 film, The Road to Guantanamo, because it pictured a hooded prisoner hanging from his handcuffed wrists. That one, also, not appropriate for children. Feel free to now look at the billboard of Captivity. The studios are a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. This is just one of the many reasons.

Next, sometimes an Asshole Fuckface will try to get a little action at an inappropriate time.

Sadly, we do not yet know the name of this Asshole Fuckface, but we do know what he does for a living: He’s a bus driver. A school bus driver. A school bus driver who loves fucking.

Apparently our 30-year-old Asshole Fuckface was driving the school bus on Wednesday morning, when he saw a prostitute on the side of the road. So, he pulled the bus up alongside her and made an inquiry about sex. The prostitute was, unfortunately, a cop.

It’s not like dude was just going to screw in front of the kids. He’s got class. He told officer Fake McWhore that he would go drop the kids off (ages five -nine), then come back for some action. Way to go Asshole Fuckface bus driver. Oh, did I mention that the kids were “special needs” kids?

Hey, wouldn’t an awesome study on the obvious by some Asshole Fuckfaces really make your day?

Thank God the American Cancer Society came through with this fantastic study on care received by insured cancer patients vs. care received by uninsured patients. You’re never going to believe how this one turns out!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Wait, I have to sit down. This completely upends my world. You mean to actually tell me that people without health insurance who are diagnosed with a deadly condition are more likely to die than people with health insurance? I am stunned.

I just did some studies of my own. It turns out people who eat cat shit are more likely to get sick than people who don’t eat cat shit. Weird, right? Also, people who slam bricks against their head are more likely to get head injuries than people who don’t slam bricks against their head. Crazy, huh? And this last one I worked on for a year: It turns out that Americans who go to Iraq are more likely to die in Iraq than Americans who don’t go to Iraq. I am blowing my own fucking mind.

No shit.

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.

And finally, I’d like to give a big Asshole Fuckface Roundup congratulation to Les Moonves. If you don’t know Les, he’s the media mogul who runs CBS Corp. He’s been failing at his job for quite a while now and in Hollywood that means you get a raise. Check out his new deal:

So, what’s it all worth? It appears he will be making $57 million a year. That is $9,800 an hour. If he is fired, Les will receive three years salary and bonuses. How is CBS stock doing? Not so good.

Basically, he is fucking up and getting rewarded for it. Writers are currently asking CBS for only $4.6 million per year. Television and films are shut down. Los Angeles is losing 20 million dollars a day. Thousands of people are out of work. The head of CBS gets a bump and the company refuses to negotiate with writers. Nicely done, you just made it into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame.

Congrats to all of the weeks winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper cat bed.

That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.

Yeah, but maybe if people spent more money on trying to find ways to help insure the uninsured than trying to figure out how badly the uninsured are fucked we wouldn't need to have studies like this.

Just because something is "obviously" science to some hack on the internet doesn't make it science.

It's a great thing that the ACS was wasting their time studying the effects of health insurance on dieing instead of following what I thought was their mandate, and coming up with a way to keep everyone from dieing of cancer.

Cool, so, could I get a grant to find out why water is wet? Or why circles are round? Or how the obvious is obvious?

For some reason, the prizes always put a smile on my face. I like the article on the EPA

wait! wait! wait! WAIT!

sticks and branches don't stop tigers?

damn. i gotta re-think some stuff.

Not if it's already been done.

and I'm pretty sure most science allows you to make assumptions based on common knowledge. and I would say that "Uninsure people get poorer medical treatment" is definitely in the realm of common knowledge beside "Cars Pollute" and "Animals Shit"

I guess he did't get the memo from roy horn.

There weren't any potatoes up there in 1492, unless by "north" you meant "way the heck west" and the tiny island was continent sized. Your ancestors probably carved it into turnips.

I could speculate about migratory birds carrying potatoes, but that would get the wrong people started here.

Of course not. Lisa's stone (from back when The Simpsons didn't suck) does.

Exactly. People think potatoes originated everywhere but are actually from the Americas.

Looks like someone is going to be getting a copy of A People's History of the Potato for Christmas.

Back in those days they called turnips potatoes. They called anything that was in the ground a potato.

Just because I am a writer on the internet, it does not mean that I am poor. I married a doctor and have done pretty well in my own profession.

Your mom's a potato.

...okay, I got nothing.

Tigers: 1
Jayaprakash: 0

He seems like a fine candidate for a Darwin Award.

So you didn't read it either, and are also making assumptions about it's veracity and usefulness. Pot, meet kettle. Now stop being pretentious just to stroke you're own ego.

I have I told you lately that I you?

perhaps two birds carried a potato between them?

but yeah, that captivity poster is totally fucked. who hired the people who thought that was ok? they need a swift kick in the balls

How are you doin'?

I'll stroke your ego.

Hey, look, it's something like the second time I've ever agreed with Wendy. Must be some kinda Christmas miracle.