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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

DEC 20, 2007 06:35 PM



Saturday, the day God set aside for Asshole Fuckface revelations. There is much confusion about the origins of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, so I would like to clear it up. The first Asshole Fuckface was a Spaniard named Tomas de Torquemada. Pope Sixtus IV made him Grand Inquisitor and he dug his job. He burned around 2,000 people to death and killed many others with various tortures. Tommy was also one of the men behind the expulsion of all Jews from Spain in 1492, which was weird because his grammy was a Jew. Go figure. As Tommy lay on his deathbed, his body riddled with God’s gift of syphilis, he giggled and said, “I am such an Asshole Fuckface, yeah?” Then he released his bowels and died. True story. My ancestors on a tiny green island in the north carved the first roundup that week on the sides of potatoes and handed them out to the masses to read and eat. Today, I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst and deliver them unto you on the interwebs. So, put on your flight suits and helmets, this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckfaces don’t know that tigers are kept in cages for a reason.

Meet Jayaprakash Bexbaruah, a father of two who decided to take his kids to the zoo this week. They went to their local zoo in northeastern India and Jaya brought his camera to record the day’s events.

At the tiger cage, Jaya started taking pictures but he just wasn’t getting that magical shot. So, he climbed over the fence that separates the people from the cage holding the large predators to get a closer shot. But that was still not good enough. I guess those damn bars were fucking up his pictures, so Jaya his held his camera through the bars to take a shot.

Turns out tigers are not idiots. As soon as the piece of meat attached to a camera came through the cage, they pounced and latched onto his arm. People tried to knock the tigers back with “sticks and branches” but those kinds of things don’t work on TIGERS. The tigers then took off Jaya’s arm and had a delightful lunch. Jaya died in an ambulance from a loss of blood.

Here is a delightful picture for those of you with strong stomachs.

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have clicked on that link.

Now, some may ask, “Why is Jaya an Asshole Fuckface? He made a terrible mistake and paid the ultimate price.” No, he did not. His kids actually did, by seeing their father killed by tigers. That is the kind of traumatic event that can turn people into psychopaths. Or freaks. I know it doesn’t make for well-adjusted people.

Next up, how about a lighter story about some home bred political
Asshole Fuckfacery?

The Bush administration never gets tired of telling the state of California to go fuck itself. And this week was no different. In 2004, California proposed new auto emission standards that would force a 30% cut in greenhouse gas emissions. The cutbacks were supposed to begin with 2009 models. The changes would have forced automakers to produce cars and light trucks that get 43 miles to the gallon. Bush said no.


The Environmental Protection Agency on Wednesday denied California and 16 other states the right to set their own standards for carbon dioxide emissions from automobiles.


Remember the idea that Republicans and conservatives are for states' rights? That is a load of shit, they only back states' rights when it serves their purposes. In this case, the EPA claimed that:


California had failed to make a compelling case that it needed authority to write its own standards for greenhouse gas emissions from cars and trucks to help curb global warming.


Well, it is actually impossible to make a compelling case against an administration that is at war with science and reason.


“The Bush administration is moving forward with a clear national solution, not a confusing patchwork of state rules,” he said. “I believe this is a better approach than if individual states were to act alone.”


Right, that's what you want to do with abortion, not the environment. Has this set up not been working well for all these years? And does the fact that 17 states have stricter air quality standards than the government tell you anything?


The decision, technically known as a Clean Air Act waiver, was the first time California was refused permission to impose its own pollution rules; the federal government had previously granted the state more than 50 waivers.


Schwarzenegger said the 17 states would take the EPA to federal court. But as of now, federal law will only require a 35-mpg standard. Considering that Toyota made a car that got 57 mpg in 1987, I'd say these Asshole Fuckfaces have been slacking off.

Next, you can always look to Hollywood to find Asshole Fuckfaces and this week is no different.

I’d like to introduce you to the Motion Picture Association of America, a non-profit, studio created group of Asshole Fuckfaces who create our voluntary ratings system. They are known for making arbitrary, bullshit decisions that greatly affect the amount of money a movie can make. Sometimes they make decisions for political reasons.


The MPAA has rejected the one-sheet for Alex Gibney's documentary Taxi to the Dark Side, which traces the pattern of torture practice from Afghanistan's Bagram prison to Abu Ghraib to Guantanamo Bay.


A “one-sheet” is an advertisement. This advertisement was apparently not suitable for children. Did I mention is an image taken from a documentary?


The image in question is a news photo of two U.S. soldiers walking away from the camera with a hooded detainee between them.


Now, let us go back in time and remember the billboard for the movie Captivity. This one was okay with the MPAA way back in March.



See the tube going into the tortured woman in a mask? That's okay. A real picture of the back of a guy in a hood is bad.

The MPAA claimed the hood was the reason kids would be freaked out. Kids never see or understand hoods, I guess. Oh, and by the way, the MPAA also rejected a one-sheet for the 2006 film, The Road to Guantanamo, because it pictured a hooded prisoner hanging from his handcuffed wrists. That one, also, not appropriate for children. Feel free to now look at the billboard of Captivity. The studios are a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. This is just one of the many reasons.

Next, sometimes an Asshole Fuckface will try to get a little action at an inappropriate time.

Sadly, we do not yet know the name of this Asshole Fuckface, but we do know what he does for a living: He’s a bus driver. A school bus driver. A school bus driver who loves fucking.

Apparently our 30-year-old Asshole Fuckface was driving the school bus on Wednesday morning, when he saw a prostitute on the side of the road. So, he pulled the bus up alongside her and made an inquiry about sex. The prostitute was, unfortunately, a cop.


The man drove up to a decoy officer working in the area of Telegraph and Grand River at about 7 a.m. and inquired about having sex with the officer, whom he thought was a prostitute.

The man then left the scene and said he’d be back in a few minutes. At the time, the man had one child on the school bus. A few minutes later, he returned with three additional children on the bus and offered to pay the officer to have sexual intercourse with her and gave the officer a piece of paper with his name and phone number.


It’s not like dude was just going to screw in front of the kids. He’s got class. He told officer Fake McWhore that he would go drop the kids off (ages five -nine), then come back for some action. Way to go Asshole Fuckface bus driver. Oh, did I mention that the kids were “special needs” kids?

Hey, wouldn’t an awesome study on the obvious by some Asshole Fuckfaces really make your day?

Thank God the American Cancer Society came through with this fantastic study on care received by insured cancer patients vs. care received by uninsured patients. You’re never going to believe how this one turns out!


Uninsured cancer patients are nearly twice as likely to die within five years as those with private coverage, according to the first national study of its kind and one that sheds light on troubling health care obstacles.


HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Wait, I have to sit down. This completely upends my world. You mean to actually tell me that people without health insurance who are diagnosed with a deadly condition are more likely to die than people with health insurance? I am stunned.

I just did some studies of my own. It turns out people who eat cat shit are more likely to get sick than people who don’t eat cat shit. Weird, right? Also, people who slam bricks against their head are more likely to get head injuries than people who don’t slam bricks against their head. Crazy, huh? And this last one I worked on for a year: It turns out that Americans who go to Iraq are more likely to die in Iraq than Americans who don’t go to Iraq. I am blowing my own fucking mind.


Those dealing with cancer and inadequate insurance weren't surprised by the findings.


No shit.

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.

And finally, I’d like to give a big Asshole Fuckface Roundup congratulation to Les Moonves. If you don’t know Les, he’s the media mogul who runs CBS Corp. He’s been failing at his job for quite a while now and in Hollywood that means you get a raise. Check out his new deal:


-- A base salary of $3.5 million. That's down from the $5.6 million he was paid in 2006, which was the highest of 542 U.S. CEOs running companies with market caps of at least $3 billion. His new base keeps him No. 1 until 2007 pay figures come out.

-- A target bonus of $10.5 million, three times his salary. That's what Moonves gets essentially for showing up.

-- An option covering 5 million shares, with a present value at grant that I calculate to be $35 million.

-- An annual grant of free shares worth $7.6 million on each of four grant dates during his contract.

--A make-whole provision so Moonves doesn't face the higher income tax that New York State and New York City levy compared with California.


So, what’s it all worth? It appears he will be making $57 million a year. That is $9,800 an hour. If he is fired, Les will receive three years salary and bonuses. How is CBS stock doing? Not so good.


That compensation doesn't seem appropriate if you consider that CBS's performance has been on a steady decline since he became CEO on Jan. 1, 2006.

CBS delivered a total return only twice that beat that of the Standard & Poor's 500 Index. Moreover, its returns in the 17 most recent periods all fell below those of the S&P 500 Index. As the time windows narrowed toward this Oct. 15, the negative gap between CBS and the index became progressively larger.


Basically, he is fucking up and getting rewarded for it. Writers are currently asking CBS for only $4.6 million per year. Television and films are shut down. Los Angeles is losing 20 million dollars a day. Thousands of people are out of work. The head of CBS gets a bump and the company refuses to negotiate with writers. Nicely done, you just made it into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame.

Congrats to all of the weeks winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper cat bed.

apesamongus

apesamongus

Atlanta, GA
July 2002

DEC 22, 2007 09:19 AM

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.

CherryCoke

CherryCoke

Derry, NH
May 2007

DEC 22, 2007 09:42 AM

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Yeah, but maybe if people spent more money on trying to find ways to help insure the uninsured than trying to figure out how badly the uninsured are fucked we wouldn't need to have studies like this.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 22, 2007 09:44 AM

Then he released his bowels and died.


love

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
And yeah, that Captivity shit is fucking disgusting. Jesus.

SnowgodCCR

SnowgodCCR

Derry, NH
November 2006

DEC 22, 2007 09:48 AM

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Just because something is "obviously" science to some hack on the internet doesn't make it science.

It's a great thing that the ACS was wasting their time studying the effects of health insurance on dieing instead of following what I thought was their mandate, and coming up with a way to keep everyone from dieing of cancer.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

DEC 22, 2007 09:49 AM

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Cool, so, could I get a grant to find out why water is wet? Or why circles are round? Or how the obvious is obvious?

code_red

code_red

Portland, OR
July 2005

DEC 22, 2007 09:51 AM

For some reason, the prizes always put a smile on my face. I like the article on the EPA wink

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

DEC 22, 2007 09:53 AM

wait! wait! wait! WAIT!

sticks and branches don't stop tigers?

damn. i gotta re-think some stuff.

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

DEC 22, 2007 09:58 AM

varukasalt said:

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Cool, so, could I get a grant to find out why water is wet? Or why circles are round? Or how the obvious is obvious?



Not if it's already been done.

and I'm pretty sure most science allows you to make assumptions based on common knowledge. and I would say that "Uninsure people get poorer medical treatment" is definitely in the realm of common knowledge beside "Cars Pollute" and "Animals Shit"

defaultx

defaultx

I'm lost
February 2006

DEC 22, 2007 10:28 AM

I guess he did't get the memo from roy horn.




dustbuster

dustbuster

San Francisco, CA
OLD SKOOL

DEC 22, 2007 10:33 AM


My ancestors on a tiny green island in the north carved the first roundup that week on the sides of a potatoes and handed them out to the masses to read and eat.



There weren't any potatoes up there in 1492, unless by "north" you meant "way the heck west" and the tiny island was continent sized. Your ancestors probably carved it into turnips.

I could speculate about migratory birds carrying potatoes, but that would get the wrong people started here.

Ferretbite

Ferretbite

Mexico
September 2006

DEC 22, 2007 10:39 AM

DevilsReject said:
wait! wait! wait! WAIT!

sticks and branches don't stop tigers?



Of course not. Lisa's stone (from back when The Simpsons didn't suck) does.

Wendy

Wendy

SUICIDEGIRL

Israel

DEC 22, 2007 10:46 AM

varukasalt said:

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Cool, so, could I get a grant to find out why water is wet? Or why circles are round? Or how the obvious is obvious?



Come the fuck on. Did you even read the article about the study? Or any other article about it, for that matter? It was the first done of its kind and gathered a bit more information other than "patients without insurance die sooner." This research also compiled information types of treatment, when treatment is sought, as well as (I'm certain) lots of other vital information. Studies like this are necessary before delving further into the issues, and its always good to have hard statistics in front of you when determining policy. Now stop being annoying just to be annoying and go read about it first.

trelane

trelane

Denver, CO
May 2004

DEC 22, 2007 10:49 AM

dustbuster said:


My ancestors on a tiny green island in the north carved the first roundup that week on the sides of a potatoes and handed them out to the masses to read and eat.



There weren't any potatoes up there in 1492, unless by "north" you meant "way the heck west" and the tiny island was continent sized. Your ancestors probably carved it into turnips.

I could speculate about migratory birds carrying potatoes, but that would get the wrong people started here.



Exactly. People think potatoes originated everywhere but are actually from the Americas.

smithers_jones

smithers_jones

I'm lost
November 2003

DEC 22, 2007 11:04 AM

Looks like someone is going to be getting a copy of A People's History of the Potato for Christmas.

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

DEC 22, 2007 11:23 AM

Back in those days they called turnips potatoes. They called anything that was in the ground a potato. wink

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

DEC 22, 2007 11:25 AM

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Just because I am a writer on the internet, it does not mean that I am poor. I married a doctor and have done pretty well in my own profession.

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

DEC 22, 2007 11:33 AM

FearTheReaper said:
Back in those days they called turnips potatoes. They called anything that was in the ground a potato. wink



Your mom's a potato.

...okay, I got nothing.

drrn

drrn

Washington, NJ
December 2007

DEC 22, 2007 11:35 AM

Tigers: 1
Jayaprakash: 0

He seems like a fine candidate for a Darwin Award.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

DEC 22, 2007 11:42 AM

Wendy said:

varukasalt said:

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Cool, so, could I get a grant to find out why water is wet? Or why circles are round? Or how the obvious is obvious?



Come the fuck on. Did you even read the article about the study? Or any other article about it, for that matter? It was the first done of its kind and gathered a bit more information other than "patients without insurance die sooner." This research also compiled information types of treatment, when treatment is sought, as well as (I'm certain) lots of other vital information. Studies like this are necessary before delving further into the issues, and its always good to have hard statistics in front of you when determining policy. Now stop being annoying just to be annoying and go read about it first.



So you didn't read it either, and are also making assumptions about it's veracity and usefulness. Pot, meet kettle. Now stop being pretentious just to stroke you're own ego. whatever

Q_

Q_

Columbus, OH
June 2006

DEC 22, 2007 11:46 AM

varukasalt said:
So you didn't read it either, and are also making assumptions about it's veracity and usefulness. Pot, meet kettle. Now stop being pretentious just to stroke you're own ego. whatever



I have I told you lately that I love you?

Bonaparte

Bonaparte

Eugene, OR
September 2006

DEC 22, 2007 11:53 AM

perhaps two birds carried a potato between them?

but yeah, that captivity poster is totally fucked. who hired the people who thought that was ok? they need a swift kick in the balls

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

DEC 22, 2007 11:54 AM

Quirky said:

varukasalt said:
So you didn't read it either, and are also making assumptions about it's veracity and usefulness. Pot, meet kettle. Now stop being pretentious just to stroke you're own ego. whatever



I have I told you lately that I love you?



How are you doin'? wink

Q_

Q_

Columbus, OH
June 2006

DEC 22, 2007 11:55 AM

varukasalt said:

Quirky said:

varukasalt said:
So you didn't read it either, and are also making assumptions about it's veracity and usefulness. Pot, meet kettle. Now stop being pretentious just to stroke you're own ego. whatever



I have I told you lately that I love you?



How are you doin'? wink



I'll stroke your ego.

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

DEC 22, 2007 11:58 AM

Wendy said:

varukasalt said:

apesamongus said:

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.


That's how science fucking works. Just because something is "obvious" to some poor writer on the internet doesn't make it true.



Cool, so, could I get a grant to find out why water is wet? Or why circles are round? Or how the obvious is obvious?



Come the fuck on. Did you even read the article about the study? Or any other article about it, for that matter? It was the first done of its kind and gathered a bit more information other than "patients without insurance die sooner." This research also compiled information types of treatment, when treatment is sought, as well as (I'm certain) lots of other vital information. Studies like this are necessary before delving further into the issues, and its always good to have hard statistics in front of you when determining policy. Now stop being annoying just to be annoying and go read about it first.



Hey, look, it's something like the second time I've ever agreed with Wendy. Must be some kinda Christmas miracle.

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