NEWS: Huckabee and Son, Creeping The Shit Out Of People For 26 Years

POLITICS: Huckabee and Son, Creeping The Shit Out Of People For 26 Years

Mike Huckabee has now taken over the lead in polls for the Republican nomination, which means the deep dig into his past begins. Rudy Giuliani was the first victim of the deep dig and Huckabee is now enjoying an intense sifting through his past. Mitt is just a Mormon, no digging needed.



Huckabee is a deep well of horrible quotes and shady decisions. The only people more scared of Huckabee than Democrats are moderate Republicans, but those fuckers deserve it after years of courting all the religious lunatics in our country. So, sit back and enjoy the past genius quotes from the Republican front-runner.



On AIDS:

Man, that was a great call in 1992. Just think if we hadn't listened to Mike, we'd all be dead or infected with AIDS. Thanks for creating AIDS Island; we'll never forget it.



On government and religion:

Hey, I'm not an expert or anything, but it sounds like you said the government sucks and it needs a Jesus enema. I'm paraphrasing of course, but I think that sums it up. Remember when the Taliban made the people of Afghanistan accept Muhammad into their lives? That worked out in an awesome way.



On marriage:

I can't really argue with that one. When you're right, you're right.



In 1998, Huckabee wrote a book called Kids Who Kill: Confronting Our Culture of Violence. It was Mike's answer to a school shooting in Arkansas. Like any good religious nutjob, Huckabee came to the conclusion that school shootings were the result of our society society falling apart due to abortion, pornography, media violence, out-of-wedlock sex, divorce, drug use and hot man on man loving. He didn't actually use the term "hot man on man loving," but that is probably what he hears in his head. Check out some wonderful passages from The Huck's book.

True. All of these things have screwed America over big time, especially the wicked environmentalism movement. God hates people who love trees, especially gay trees that have AIDS and shoot smack.

Which one of these things is not like the other? Molesting kids, beating another person and enjoying it, fucking a dead body and a couple of dudes getting it on. If you guessed #4, you win! Yes, in Mike Huckabee's Jesus-loving mind, fucking a dead guy is just like fucking a live guy.

Actually, not at all. Do you even know what civil liberty means, Mike? You should learn the definition before you write about it. Just a tip.

Word. This could not be more true. For instance I was educated in public schools and they actually had the nerve to teach me from more than just the one book. It was there that I learned to have sex with men, give abortions, get and give AIDS, molest kids, use drugs and get a divorce. Go Wildcats!

Fair enough. I know a lot of women over the years have earned positions that are equal to or even above men. And that has basically led to women having more money and power, allowing them to live more independent and rewarding lives, which has totally worked against them. Wait, what?

The only God given distinctions I can think of between men and women is the cock and balls and the hole thingy. I think everyone looses when they get muddied. Please don't do that, especially in the hole thingy.



Mike also threw in some Bible chat to explain what was happening to our society.

I can only imagine that after he put those three gems together in an awesome paragraph, he threw his pencil to the ground and shouted, "Boom. You got the motherfucking Huckabee thunder!" He really makes an awesome point here and he is finally sounding presidential. I personally won't vote for a guy until he says, "dissipating sensuality."



But now it seems Mike didn't use his own child raising techniques from his book because one of his kids murdered a doggy. Yes, the son of a Baptist Minister did something creepy. Isn't that shocking?



Turns out David Huckabee kind of hung a dog nine years ago when he was at a Boy Scout camp. He did not get the "hang a dog" badge, however. The story is a bit murky, but what we do know is that 17-year-old David Huckabee hung the dog and was kicked out of the Scouts for breaking their "kindness" rule.



When the story broke in the press, Mike explained way his son's heinous act.

Just like Jesus would have done. Hey, don't we have some people in our country called veterinarians? And some stuff called food? People who kill animals in unusual ways are practicing for their future work as serial killers. They take joy in watching life leave a living creature. Kind of undermines Huckabee's book a little bit. You know, the one called Kids Who Kill. Or maybe we are mistaken and it is a how to book. Or maybe the publisher dropped are awesome off the title.



Imagine the chill that would go down your spine if you learned your child had hung a dog. I guess it is that kind of chill that would make a good, religious man use his power to make sure no charges were filed.



First Huckabee had both his lawyer and chief of staff put pressure on the director of Arkansas's state police and then fired the director when he wouldn't write a letter denying a prosecutor's request to arrest David.

Just like Jesus would have done. Go Huckabee!

Is this guy seriously electable? Is this the one candidate that could possibly lose to Clinton?

I think you've overestimated the GOP's chances.

What the fuck are people thinking....?

Just watch this...

He hung a dog? Way to raise a winner, Huckabee.

People are an idiot.

I thought this guy was somewhat likeable. Now it seems like he is another Christian Republican nut job.

wow...

/sigh

Fucking religious robots.

come again?

Am I?

Yes, you have.

Alright. Those numbers still scare me though, I really would rather not see Clinton in the White House.

What does that have to do with the fact that Huckabee, Fuckabee is one scary ass motherfucker, who belongs in post apocalyptic horror movies?

Hillary may in fact be an evil corporate cyborg whore, but her stench is a breath of fresh air in spring when compared to Huckabee's foul odor.

I would prefer a candidate that does not have any sort of odor. Or one that smells like strawberries.

Right. I know that there is no perfect candidate, but I would like one that isn't dodgy on issues that are or will be important. At least with Huckabee I know he's religious nutcase who will attempt to pervert the country with his morals. Wheras Hillary won't take a stance until one of her handlers gives her her talking points.

If you think the former sounds better than the latter, please don't vote.

It's funny that Hillary gets dumped on for doing the same shit that her husband did. He was exactly the same in ambition, campaigning, switching sides and using political dishonesty to his advantage. But, he was more charming I guess. Not saying I'll vote for her, but that ain't why.

You are assuming Huckabee doesn't do the same with issues that do not involve religion. Your assumption is incorrect.

That would make a great t-shirt.

Entertaining article, by the by.

Boy, I can't like any front runner can I?

Did you know, if you shoot up an oak with smack, it becomes a birch?

And if you get that joke, you're an official tree nerd.

Nope. Not allowed at all.

man, i vomit every time.