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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

DEC 15, 2007 04:27 AM



Asshole Fuckfaces are everywhere on our sweet, sweet Earth. They take many forms and shapes. Some come in human form, others just a cloud of heinous odor. Each week I search the news for Asshole Fuckfaces to bring to your attention, so that you may scream in horror and fall to your knees in fear. It is not an easy task, just last week I shed a tear. I know, but it was horrible. I am not impervious. This week I have a strange and disturbing list of the most horrible people in the world, so put on your leather ponchos, this is going to be sickening.

It seems like every week I get to point out an Asshole Fuckface who is
screwing over our veterans and sadly, this week is no different.

There should be a special place in hell reserved for those who take advantage of wounded soldiers and it should include daily waterboarding and gourd shaped butt plugs.


Americans gave millions of dollars in the past year to veterans charities designed to help troops wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan, but several of the groups spent relatively little money on the wounded.


How much of an Asshole Fuckface do you have to be to ask for donation for wounded soldiers and then use it for your own desires? Eight charities gave less than a third of the money they raised, which is way below the standard. And some were even further below a third, by which I mean 1%. Yes, one fucking percent of donations.


One group passed along 1 cent for every dollar raised, the report says.


Whoa, don’t go overboard with that penny, asshole. And thank God there are no laws regulating the money charities spend on overhead, because regulation just leads to a lack of efficiency. Lack of oversight allows charities like Help Hospitalized Veterans to pull this kind of shit.


Chapin, 75, the charity's president, received $426,434 in salary and benefits in the past fiscal year, according to a filing with the Internal Revenue Service. His wife, Elizabeth, 73, received $113,623 in salary and benefits as "newsletter editor," the Post's review of the tax filing showed.


Die. Now. Thanks.

Some of the bigger veterans charities made the shit list, like Military Order of the Purple Heart Service Foundation, the AMVETS National Service Foundation and the Freedom Alliance.


Rick Cohen, an expert on nonprofit groups and former executive director of the National Committee for Responsive Philanthropy, called the spending decisions of some charities "grotesque."


The saddest part about his kind of Asshole Fuckface activity is that it may lead to lower contributions for veterans. If you want to give money, try the
Fisher House Foundation.

Next up, we head to South Korea, a place where Asshole Fuckfaces are doing weird things to cats.

Cats are the greatest creatures on Earth. (Sorry, Otters.) Any Asshole Fuckface who alters them should be punished. Everyone knows South Korea is batshit crazy for cloning and that it will certainly be ground zero for the clone wars in 2017. You know they are out of line when they start creating glow in the dark cats.


South Korean scientists have cloned cats by manipulating a fluorescent protein gene, a procedure that could help develop treatments for human genetic diseases.

In a side-effect, the cloned cats glow in the dark when exposed to ultraviolet beams.


Uh, what? Glow in the dark animals is nature’s way of saying, “STOP.” So far the Asshole Fuckfaces have created three glow in the dark Turkish Angoras. The fluorescence protein genes were altered and now the human race is in great danger. And for the first time in history, fraternities are going to want a house cat and that ain’t good.


"It marked the first time in the world that cats with RFP genes have been cloned," the ministry said in a statement.


What do you mean, “said” in a statement. It should read, “screamed” in a statement. Like this:


“Holy fucking shit, we made glow in the dark cats! Run!” screamed the ministry before succumbing to what sounded like a horrible cat situation.


Didn’t you people make the movie The Host? Why don’t you pop that in the DVD player before you Asshole Fuckfaces whip up another round of animal manipulation?

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who doesn’t know when to shut up.

Meet Sandra Tucker. She’s a 61-year-old former councilwoman from Dacono, Colorado. The reason she is a former councilwoman instead of a councilwoman is because she has a hilarious Hitler sort of sense of humor.

Last week she posted a joke on a local website that was a bit racist and a bit anti-Semitic and a bit homophobic.

The “joke” is about a guy who wakes up only to discover he is in a wheel chair, is a “negro,” is a “Jew queer,” is an HIV positive drug addict, has a “Mexican boyfriend” and only has one arm. The dude is obviously bummed, but that is not the bad part. Enter the “punchline.”


But the worst happens when the subject discovers that his choice for president is either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

"PLEASE don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT," the e-mail said.


Ha, ha, ha. Oh man, I just laughed so hard that my ass came out of my face. Seriously, good stuff, Sandra.

Several people in the town were offended because they are human. The Mayor asked Sandra to take down the post but she would not. So, he was forced to call the website owner to have it removed. Way to go, Sandra. Pick your battles, sister.


"I'm sick and tired of all of this political correctness," Tucker said. "I'm not going to apologize if you don't have a sense of humor."


Maybe I should rethink this because Sandra says she understands discrimination.


"Listen, I'm 4-foot-11 and I'm blond, so I've heard all the jokes about that and I'm not offended," Tucker said. "People just don't laugh anymore. They are afraid."


Nope. I’m not going to rethink it. Actually, I would like someone to set you on fire. Sandra resigned from the city council on Thursday because she “probably” can’t do her job anymore and because she is a huge Asshole Fuckface

Our next two winners violated Asshole Fuckface rule #37: Anyone who cuts off a magic leg will always and forever be an Asshole Fuckface.

Look, everyone knows how magic legs work. If they are removed from the individual who grew the leg, then they are rendered useless. Also, if removed a magic leg can easily turn into an evil leg, at which point it is every man and leg for himself or herself. Magic legs turned evil can only be stopped by a shoe goblin or a sock midget. Those are the facts.

Sadly, greedy men still try to steal magic legs. An 80-year-old magic leg owner was separated from his leg this week in Chittoor district, a remote area of India.


Kondaiah told police that two men offered him a drink as thanks for previously helping them with his magical touch.

After he passed out drunk, the men chopped off the leg below the knee with a sickle and left him to die.


Okay, how drunk do you have to be to not notice someone is cutting off your leg with a SICKLE? I have been mighty wasted in my time, but I do not think I would have ever slept through a dude whacking away at my leg with a hook-shaped blade. Maybe I just don’t know how to party.

Thankfully, legless dude was found by villagers and taken to the hospital. The leg is a gonner, though. Up until the point when it was hacked off, it could cure people of illness and grant wishes. That is a fucking awesome magic leg. Or was.

Authorities are still seeking out the “miscreants” who stole the leg. Anyone with information on these Asshole Fuckfaces can call 1-800-Leggone.

Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckface winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper left shoe from my FearTheReaper comfortable shoe wear collection.

**TheCoolerKing is an Asshole Fuckface for stealing my story.

TaoAndCoffee

TaoAndCoffee

Stoney Creek, ON
June 2007

DEC 15, 2007 09:15 AM

You could probably schedule a different charity every week to slot into the AFR. Just about every cause has a corrupt non-prof "collecting donations" for it.

I wonder if thousands of ravers are booking flights to South Korea now to see if they can be turned into living glow sticks.

Maybe people were just offended at Sandra's joke because it wasn't funny. who knows.

And with all due respect to TCK, I laughed a lot harder at your report about the magic leg.

wereduck

wereduck

I'm lost
July 2007

DEC 15, 2007 09:17 AM

I'm thinking the "anti-PC" thing has gone a little far. There are certain jokes that work better without political correct-ness, but when I'm hearing jokes about how it's a tragedy that only five black people died in a car accident because the car seated six, that's when it stops being "anti-PC" and just being downright racist bullshit.

Then, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people. If there's a hell, she's going to occupy a special place there.

AshenLight

AshenLight

USA
October 2005

DEC 15, 2007 09:20 AM

Screwing the vets... horrible
Glow in the dark cats... not so horrible, kinda interesting in a way
Brainless politician... gee, what a shocker
Magic leg amputation... see TCK's article

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

DEC 15, 2007 09:28 AM

um...that joke isn't even fucking funny...even Bob Saget wouldn't tell that dumb fucking joke.

My friend tells racist and sexist jokes...it pisses me off. at first he did it out of "Irony" and it was kinda funny because i know he's not racists or sexist...but I think telling them has MADE him racist and sexist...or maybe he just was all the time and I didn't know it.

I would sya that a cat that glows in the dark is NOT a very effective predator and therefore the gene mutation would never survive in the wild...although I suppose genetic laboratories are exactly "Wild".

Gillionaire

Gillionaire

Manchester, NH
February 2007

DEC 15, 2007 09:38 AM

I want a glow in the dark cat. Sounds like fun at parties. Parties with all my crippled, Jewish, and gay friends.

freshprncebelair

freshprncebelair

Ellicott City, MD
June 2004

DEC 15, 2007 09:46 AM



The fluorescence protein genes were altered and now the human race is in great danger. And for the first time in history, fraternities are going to want a house cat and that ain't good.



I wouldn't be surprised if this was eventually used to "tag" sex offenders for life

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

DEC 15, 2007 09:55 AM

"Negro"? Seriously?

Rapid_Fire

Rapid_Fire

Saskatoon, SK
July 2007

DEC 15, 2007 10:27 AM

ardour said:
"Negro"? Seriously?



There was a time when "negro" was politically correct. Calling them black would have gotten you punched. My grandma and even my mother still occasionally use it, because that's what they grew up using.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

DEC 15, 2007 10:27 AM

I, for one, welcome our glowing raver-kitty overlords.

sick

sick

Minneapolis, MN
June 2003

DEC 15, 2007 10:32 AM

The worst part about the cats is that all of the attention will undoubtedly be given to the glowing side-effect than the actual point of the research. People will think they were just trying to make glowing cats.

Essentially, they attach a gene that causes flourescence to the gene they're actually trying to implant in order to determine if it worked.

So I wonder what the actual intent of the research was? I haven't been able to find the info yet.

Faytal_Kraydel

Faytal_Kraydel

Upper Darby, PA
November 2007

DEC 15, 2007 12:04 PM



Okay, how drunk do you have to be to not notice someone is cutting off your leg with a SICKLE? I have been mighty wasted in my time, but I do not think I would have ever slept through a dude whacking away at my leg with a hook shaped blade. Maybe I just don't know how to party.



Priceless. But if dude was concious when this was happening he would have warned them about the leg turning evil. It's their own fault for drugging him.

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

DEC 15, 2007 12:09 PM

Rapid_Fire said:

ardour said:
"Negro"? Seriously?



There was a time when "negro" was politically correct. Calling them black would have gotten you punched. My grandma and even my mother still occasionally use it, because that's what they grew up using.



Well, yeah, therein lies the disbelieve. The fact this woman is still using it and she was on city council. Of course, a quick search for Dacono, CO reveals a picture of an american flag with the Dacono water tower in the background. Anywhere that shows off its old water tower proudly shouldn't really be expected to have any sensible city council members.

I spent most of my teen years near this one for the record frown

apesamongus

apesamongus

Atlanta, GA
July 2002

DEC 15, 2007 12:09 PM

we3_pirateThen, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people.


As a card carrying cripple I couldn't give two shits.

wereduck

wereduck

I'm lost
July 2007

DEC 15, 2007 12:14 PM

apesamongus said:

we3_pirateThen, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people.


As a card carrying cripple I couldn't give two shits.



Doesn't change the fact that Sandra Tucker is despicable.

wereduck

wereduck

I'm lost
July 2007

DEC 15, 2007 12:26 PM

Gillionaire said:
I want a glow in the dark cat. Sounds like fun at parties. Parties with all my crippled, Jewish, and gay friends.



What? No "negroes"? Why can't they have glow-in-the-dark kitties?

gcash056

gcash056

Orlando, FL
October 2004

DEC 15, 2007 12:33 PM

Did you actually see the pic of the glow-in-the-dark kitty? It is about the most positively evil looking thing I've ever seen in my life. And there's a cat next to it, looking like it's thinking "DUDE... This is FUCKED up. Am I next?"

When I rule the world, I must have one of those for a sidekick.

Holdenwrites

Holdenwrites

Miami, FL
December 2004

DEC 15, 2007 01:03 PM

While I'm very anti-PC and really don't get offended often, I do get offended by people that think they're funny but really aren't.


**Cooler King is an Asshole Fuckface for stealing my story.



But now we can tell the jokes that we all thought of just a bit too late for his story. Such as "Leggo my leg-o," or possibly a reference the the Heart song "Magic Man."

And now I wait for someone to quote me and tell me that I'm not very funny, because after all, this is the internet.

apesamongus

apesamongus

Atlanta, GA
July 2002

DEC 15, 2007 01:27 PM

we3_pirate said:

apesamongus said:

we3_pirateThen, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people.


As a card carrying cripple I couldn't give two shits.



Doesn't change the fact that Sandra Tucker is despicable.


If you're going to be offended by something, be offended for yourself and don't drag other people into it.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 15, 2007 01:45 PM

apesamongus said:

we3_pirate said:

apesamongus said:

we3_pirateThen, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people.


As a card carrying cripple I couldn't give two shits.


Doesn't change the fact that Sandra Tucker is despicable.


If you're going to be offended by something, be offended for yourself and don't drag other people into it.


I'd be curious to know where on your "cripple card" it says you get to take away other people's right to be offended at example of egregiously poor taste.

Actually, strike that. I couldn't give two shits.

LostLucy

LostLucy

USA
December 2006

DEC 15, 2007 02:17 PM

Zarth said:

apesamongus said:

we3_pirate said:

apesamongus said:

we3_pirateThen, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people.


As a card carrying cripple I couldn't give two shits.


Doesn't change the fact that Sandra Tucker is despicable.


If you're going to be offended by something, be offended for yourself and don't drag other people into it.


I'd be curious to know where on your "cripple card" it says you get to take away other people's right to be offended at example of egregiously poor taste.

Actually, strike that. I couldn't give two shits.



Aren't we all cripples really, in some form or another? I mean really...





can we all just try get to along???



AshenLight

AshenLight

USA
October 2005

DEC 15, 2007 02:20 PM

gcash056 said:
Did you actually see the pic of the glow-in-the-dark kitty? It is about the most positively evil looking thing I've ever seen in my life. And there's a cat next to it, looking like it's thinking "DUDE... This is FUCKED up. Am I next?"

When I rule the world, I must have one of those for a sidekick.



This is great! You could use the two of them for navigation lights on a boat or something...

zoom image

Benzino

Benzino

Winnipeg, MB
November 2006

DEC 15, 2007 02:33 PM

Not surprising. The armed forces are already grossly underpaid and lose their benifits all the time. The treatment of the bravest of the brave is truely sickening.

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

DEC 15, 2007 03:55 PM

I google searched the joke, and found it (or at least a version of it) on Free Republic.

It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible one you could imagine. In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color. Black. No, no, God no, it can't be!! I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled. "It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual whore and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. Sonofabitch!!!! Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap.. Any job." Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for next November? Hillary or Obama?"

Sonofabitch! Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black disabled one armed drug addicted Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!!



I can't imagine this "joke" appealing to pretty much anyone.

Gillionaire

Gillionaire

Manchester, NH
February 2007

DEC 15, 2007 04:24 PM


I can't imagine this "joke" appealing to pretty much anyone.



It appeals to douchebags, it seems.

Not only that, the writing has inconsistencies, too. How can you be lying in bed naked, and jumping in fear of your new found race, if you're supposedly also confined to a wheelchair AT THE EXACT SAME TIME?

Furthermore, you can be circumsized, and not be Jewish.

Lastly, the narrator seems very upset about being bald. That's funny. I seem to recall a lot of racists being into the whole skinhead thing.

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