NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #25

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #25

Asshole Fuckfaces are everywhere on our sweet, sweet Earth. They take many forms and shapes. Some come in human form, others just a cloud of heinous odor. Each week I search the news for Asshole Fuckfaces to bring to your attention, so that you may scream in horror and fall to your knees in fear. It is not an easy task, just last week I shed a tear. I know, but it was horrible. I am not impervious. This week I have a strange and disturbing list of the most horrible people in the world, so put on your leather ponchos, this is going to be sickening.

It seems like every week I get to point out an Asshole Fuckface who is
screwing over our veterans and sadly, this week is no different.

There should be a special place in hell reserved for those who take advantage of wounded soldiers and it should include daily waterboarding and gourd shaped butt plugs.

How much of an Asshole Fuckface do you have to be to ask for donation for wounded soldiers and then use it for your own desires? Eight charities gave less than a third of the money they raised, which is way below the standard. And some were even further below a third, by which I mean 1%. Yes, one fucking percent of donations.

Whoa, don’t go overboard with that penny, asshole. And thank God there are no laws regulating the money charities spend on overhead, because regulation just leads to a lack of efficiency. Lack of oversight allows charities like Help Hospitalized Veterans to pull this kind of shit.

Die. Now. Thanks.

Some of the bigger veterans charities made the shit list, like Military Order of the Purple Heart Service Foundation, the AMVETS National Service Foundation and the Freedom Alliance.

The saddest part about his kind of Asshole Fuckface activity is that it may lead to lower contributions for veterans. If you want to give money, try the
Fisher House Foundation.

Next up, we head to South Korea, a place where Asshole Fuckfaces are doing weird things to cats.

Cats are the greatest creatures on Earth. (Sorry, Otters.) Any Asshole Fuckface who alters them should be punished. Everyone knows South Korea is batshit crazy for cloning and that it will certainly be ground zero for the clone wars in 2017. You know they are out of line when they start creating glow in the dark cats.

Uh, what? Glow in the dark animals is nature’s way of saying, “STOP.” So far the Asshole Fuckfaces have created three glow in the dark Turkish Angoras. The fluorescence protein genes were altered and now the human race is in great danger. And for the first time in history, fraternities are going to want a house cat and that ain’t good.

What do you mean, “said” in a statement. It should read, “screamed” in a statement. Like this:

Didn’t you people make the movie The Host? Why don’t you pop that in the DVD player before you Asshole Fuckfaces whip up another round of animal manipulation?

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who doesn’t know when to shut up.

Meet Sandra Tucker. She’s a 61-year-old former councilwoman from Dacono, Colorado. The reason she is a former councilwoman instead of a councilwoman is because she has a hilarious Hitler sort of sense of humor.

Last week she posted a joke on a local website that was a bit racist and a bit anti-Semitic and a bit homophobic.

The “joke” is about a guy who wakes up only to discover he is in a wheel chair, is a “negro,” is a “Jew queer,” is an HIV positive drug addict, has a “Mexican boyfriend” and only has one arm. The dude is obviously bummed, but that is not the bad part. Enter the “punchline.”

Ha, ha, ha. Oh man, I just laughed so hard that my ass came out of my face. Seriously, good stuff, Sandra.

Several people in the town were offended because they are human. The Mayor asked Sandra to take down the post but she would not. So, he was forced to call the website owner to have it removed. Way to go, Sandra. Pick your battles, sister.

Maybe I should rethink this because Sandra says she understands discrimination.

Nope. I’m not going to rethink it. Actually, I would like someone to set you on fire. Sandra resigned from the city council on Thursday because she “probably” can’t do her job anymore and because she is a huge Asshole Fuckface

Our next two winners violated Asshole Fuckface rule #37: Anyone who cuts off a magic leg will always and forever be an Asshole Fuckface.

Look, everyone knows how magic legs work. If they are removed from the individual who grew the leg, then they are rendered useless. Also, if removed a magic leg can easily turn into an evil leg, at which point it is every man and leg for himself or herself. Magic legs turned evil can only be stopped by a shoe goblin or a sock midget. Those are the facts.

Sadly, greedy men still try to steal magic legs. An 80-year-old magic leg owner was separated from his leg this week in Chittoor district, a remote area of India.

Okay, how drunk do you have to be to not notice someone is cutting off your leg with a SICKLE? I have been mighty wasted in my time, but I do not think I would have ever slept through a dude whacking away at my leg with a hook-shaped blade. Maybe I just don’t know how to party.

Thankfully, legless dude was found by villagers and taken to the hospital. The leg is a gonner, though. Up until the point when it was hacked off, it could cure people of illness and grant wishes. That is a fucking awesome magic leg. Or was.

Authorities are still seeking out the “miscreants” who stole the leg. Anyone with information on these Asshole Fuckfaces can call 1-800-Leggone.

Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckface winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper left shoe from my FearTheReaper comfortable shoe wear collection.

**TheCoolerKing is an Asshole Fuckface for stealing my story.

You could probably schedule a different charity every week to slot into the AFR. Just about every cause has a corrupt non-prof "collecting donations" for it.

I wonder if thousands of ravers are booking flights to South Korea now to see if they can be turned into living glow sticks.

Maybe people were just offended at Sandra's joke because it wasn't funny. who knows.

And with all due respect to TCK, I laughed a lot harder at your report about the magic leg.

I'm thinking the "anti-PC" thing has gone a little far. There are certain jokes that work better without political correct-ness, but when I'm hearing jokes about how it's a tragedy that only five black people died in a car accident because the car seated six, that's when it stops being "anti-PC" and just being downright racist bullshit.

Then, there's Sandra Tucker's "joke," which falls squarely into the despicable bullshit category, because it goes after crippled people. If there's a hell, she's going to occupy a special place there.

Screwing the vets... horrible
Glow in the dark cats... not so horrible, kinda interesting in a way
Brainless politician... gee, what a shocker
Magic leg amputation... see TCK's article

um...that joke isn't even fucking funny...even Bob Saget wouldn't tell that dumb fucking joke.

My friend tells racist and sexist jokes...it pisses me off. at first he did it out of "Irony" and it was kinda funny because i know he's not racists or sexist...but I think telling them has MADE him racist and sexist...or maybe he just was all the time and I didn't know it.

I would sya that a cat that glows in the dark is NOT a very effective predator and therefore the gene mutation would never survive in the wild...although I suppose genetic laboratories are exactly "Wild".

I want a glow in the dark cat. Sounds like fun at parties. Parties with all my crippled, Jewish, and gay friends.

I wouldn't be surprised if this was eventually used to "tag" sex offenders for life

"Negro"? Seriously?

There was a time when "negro" was politically correct. Calling them black would have gotten you punched. My grandma and even my mother still occasionally use it, because that's what they grew up using.

I, for one, welcome our glowing raver-kitty overlords.

The worst part about the cats is that all of the attention will undoubtedly be given to the glowing side-effect than the actual point of the research. People will think they were just trying to make glowing cats.

Essentially, they attach a gene that causes flourescence to the gene they're actually trying to implant in order to determine if it worked.

So I wonder what the actual intent of the research was? I haven't been able to find the info yet.

Priceless. But if dude was concious when this was happening he would have warned them about the leg turning evil. It's their own fault for drugging him.

Well, yeah, therein lies the disbelieve. The fact this woman is still using it and she was on city council. Of course, a quick search for Dacono, CO reveals a picture of an american flag with the Dacono water tower in the background. Anywhere that shows off its old water tower proudly shouldn't really be expected to have any sensible city council members.

I spent most of my teen years near this one for the record

As a card carrying cripple I couldn't give two shits.

Doesn't change the fact that Sandra Tucker is despicable.

What? No "negroes"? Why can't they have glow-in-the-dark kitties?

Did you actually see the pic of the glow-in-the-dark kitty? It is about the most positively evil looking thing I've ever seen in my life. And there's a cat next to it, looking like it's thinking "DUDE... This is FUCKED up. Am I next?"

When I rule the world, I must have one of those for a sidekick.

While I'm very anti-PC and really don't get offended often, I do get offended by people that think they're funny but really aren't.

But now we can tell the jokes that we all thought of just a bit too late for his story. Such as "Leggo my leg-o," or possibly a reference the the Heart song "Magic Man."

And now I wait for someone to quote me and tell me that I'm not very funny, because after all, this is the internet.

If you're going to be offended by something, be offended for yourself and don't drag other people into it.

I'd be curious to know where on your "cripple card" it says you get to take away other people's right to be offended at example of egregiously poor taste.

Actually, strike that. I couldn't give two shits.

Aren't we all cripples really, in some form or another? I mean really...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

This is great! You could use the two of them for navigation lights on a boat or something...

Not surprising. The armed forces are already grossly underpaid and lose their benifits all the time. The treatment of the bravest of the brave is truely sickening.

I google searched the joke, and found it (or at least a version of it) on Free Republic.

I can't imagine this "joke" appealing to pretty much anyone.

It appeals to douchebags, it seems.

Not only that, the writing has inconsistencies, too. How can you be lying in bed naked, and jumping in fear of your new found race, if you're supposedly also confined to a wheelchair AT THE EXACT SAME TIME?

Furthermore, you can be circumsized, and not be Jewish.

Lastly, the narrator seems very upset about being bald. That's funny. I seem to recall a lot of racists being into the whole skinhead thing.