I've never been much of a cat person. It isn't to say I'm not fond of the brutes, it's just that it takes a very special kitty to really melt my heart. It's a preference that has put me squarely at odds with some of my friends on the other end of the pet spectrum, and only a couple of weeks ago I found myself in a brief debate over whether or not dogs and cats are equally disgusting creatures. I lost that particular battle due to cats' so-called self-cleaning instincts (a moot point if you bathe your dog regularly, I should think), but I think I've found enough ammo to win the war. See, some dogs may occassionally succumb to feats of stupidity (yeah, okay, some of them eat things they just finished expelling), but at least their parasites won't drive you slowly into madness and a life of unfathomable cat-lady filth.

Here’s a little-known and slightly terrifying fact: According to estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 60 million people in the United States are infected with a parasite that may migrate into their brains and alter their behavior in a way that — among other things — may leave them more likely to be eaten by cats. New research into this common parasite — Toxoplasma gondii — may offer clues to the phenomenon known to the unscientifically-minded as “crazy cat lady” syndrome.

Dear god. To be perfectly frank, this article had me at "infected with a parasite," because I'm a little on the squeamish side when it comes to horrific infestations, but it's the whole "more likely to be eaten by cats" bit that is truly intriguing. While it has long been scientific knowledge that kitties lower one's functioning IQ, I had always assumed the integral factor to be not a parasite so much as brain-frying cuteness. Boy, did those cats have me fooled!

The basic facts: Toxo can infect many species, but it undergoes sexual reproduction only in cat digestive tracts. Once the parasite reproduces, the cat passes it in its feces, where the next unwitting host picks it up by digesting it (intentionally or unintentionally). Then the cycle starts again. In the long run, Toxo must find its way back to a cat’s stomach to survive. So the parasite has evolved a complicated system for taking over its hosts’ brains to increase the likelihood that they’ll be eaten by cats.

Suffice it to say, Toxoplasma Gondii are some gnarly motherfuckers -- as protozoa, like their brother Malaria, they share many of the same symptoms. Key differences, on the other hand, include a slower organ failure death and a nonchalant attitude toward rampant cat piss. Yes, you heard me.

Research conducted this year by Toxo expert Robert Sapolsky of Stanford, and also by Joanne Webster, professor of parasite epidemiology at Imperial College London, has found that Toxo actually causes rats to become attracted to the smell of cat urine.

So the theory in a nutshell, then, is that Toxo makes you lust for the pungent aroma of cat pee, causing you to fill your house with it -- driving away all sane relatives until A.) the Humane Society has to wade knee deep in Fresh Step to haul you off to a home, or B.) you die alone, the neighbors finding you a carcass weeks later, picked clean by your parasitic brood.

Ugh. Sounds about right.

Despite, however, these theories that seem to make a lot of sense, the researchers' official stance is that nothing is definitively conclusive as of yet (aside from that Toxo sufferers so far have shown slower reflexes and are 2.5 times more likely to get in a car accident -- old cat lady, anyone?) and that they need more time to run studies. I'm not sure what more they need -- I'm convinced.

Like I said: it's not that I have any sort of bias against cats. They can be cold and unfriendly, and give you that look like they're bored to death that you're still alive, but the right cat can be a perfect pal. All I'm saying is this: parasites. Better yet: parasites that may drive you syphilitically insane and degrade your own quality of life. So, you know -- put that in your "cats are so much cleaner than dogs" pipe and smoke it.

Quod erat demonstrandum.

_DictionaryGirl_ and her cat-crazy boy are totally getting a kitten, and she will certainly love it to pieces, but let it be known -- she will be sleeping with one eye open. She will not be a statistic.

DUPREE

Los Angeles, CA

July 2007

DEC 14, 2007 04:17 AM

My friend has a cat, and sometimes, he's a little "slow." Scary stuff. I'm going to send him this article, haha.

Oktavia

HOPEFUL

Euless, TX

DEC 14, 2007 04:30 AM

I love my kitties, but this explains a lot. The cats are probably symbiotic with the parasite. That way, the infestation will lower your IQ, possibly causing you to forget that you've already fed Mr. Kitty five times today.

It's all a part of their plan for world-domination. <333

NickGuy

USA

July 2007

DEC 14, 2007 05:32 AM

QED
You rock.

strangekitty

Binghamton, NY

February 2006

DEC 14, 2007 05:57 AM

Oktavia said:
It's all a part of their plan for world-domination. <333

i agree!. that was their plan all along...

Rapid_Fire

Saskatoon, SK

July 2007

DEC 14, 2007 06:28 AM

You had me convinced when you referenced xkcd, one of the worlds most prestigious and highly respected scientific publications.

scorp17yh

Brookings, OR

November 2004

DEC 14, 2007 06:48 AM

And on another note this same parasite has been linked to the deaths of sea otters off the CA coast. Seems so many people are dumping cat litter not only in the trash but also their yards and the resulting runoff ends up in the ocean where the sea otters become infected.
Attack of the Killer Cat's