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_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

DEC 13, 2007 07:34 PM





I've never been much of a cat person. It isn't to say I'm not fond of the brutes, it's just that it takes a very special kitty to really melt my heart. It's a preference that has put me squarely at odds with some of my friends on the other end of the pet spectrum, and only a couple of weeks ago I found myself in a brief debate over whether or not dogs and cats are equally disgusting creatures. I lost that particular battle due to cats' so-called self-cleaning instincts (a moot point if you bathe your dog regularly, I should think), but I think I've found enough ammo to win the war. See, some dogs may occassionally succumb to feats of stupidity (yeah, okay, some of them eat things they just finished expelling), but at least their parasites won't drive you slowly into madness and a life of unfathomable cat-lady filth.



Here’s a little-known and slightly terrifying fact: According to estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 60 million people in the United States are infected with a parasite that may migrate into their brains and alter their behavior in a way that — among other things — may leave them more likely to be eaten by cats. New research into this common parasite — Toxoplasma gondii — may offer clues to the phenomenon known to the unscientifically-minded as “crazy cat lady” syndrome.





Dear god. To be perfectly frank, this article had me at "infected with a parasite," because I'm a little on the squeamish side when it comes to horrific infestations, but it's the whole "more likely to be eaten by cats" bit that is truly intriguing. While it has long been scientific knowledge that kitties lower one's functioning IQ, I had always assumed the integral factor to be not a parasite so much as brain-frying cuteness. Boy, did those cats have me fooled!



The basic facts: Toxo can infect many species, but it undergoes sexual reproduction only in cat digestive tracts. Once the parasite reproduces, the cat passes it in its feces, where the next unwitting host picks it up by digesting it (intentionally or unintentionally). Then the cycle starts again. In the long run, Toxo must find its way back to a cat’s stomach to survive. So the parasite has evolved a complicated system for taking over its hosts’ brains to increase the likelihood that they’ll be eaten by cats.





Suffice it to say, Toxoplasma Gondii are some gnarly motherfuckers -- as protozoa, like their brother Malaria, they share many of the same symptoms. Key differences, on the other hand, include a slower organ failure death and a nonchalant attitude toward rampant cat piss. Yes, you heard me.



Research conducted this year by Toxo expert Robert Sapolsky of Stanford, and also by Joanne Webster, professor of parasite epidemiology at Imperial College London, has found that Toxo actually causes rats to become attracted to the smell of cat urine.





So the theory in a nutshell, then, is that Toxo makes you lust for the pungent aroma of cat pee, causing you to fill your house with it -- driving away all sane relatives until A.) the Humane Society has to wade knee deep in Fresh Step to haul you off to a home, or B.) you die alone, the neighbors finding you a carcass weeks later, picked clean by your parasitic brood.



Ugh. Sounds about right.



Despite, however, these theories that seem to make a lot of sense, the researchers' official stance is that nothing is definitively conclusive as of yet (aside from that Toxo sufferers so far have shown slower reflexes and are 2.5 times more likely to get in a car accident -- old cat lady, anyone?) and that they need more time to run studies. I'm not sure what more they need -- I'm convinced.



Like I said: it's not that I have any sort of bias against cats. They can be cold and unfriendly, and give you that look like they're bored to death that you're still alive, but the right cat can be a perfect pal. All I'm saying is this: parasites. Better yet: parasites that may drive you syphilitically insane and degrade your own quality of life. So, you know -- put that in your "cats are so much cleaner than dogs" pipe and smoke it.



Quod erat demonstrandum.







_DictionaryGirl_ and her cat-crazy boy are totally getting a kitten, and she will certainly love it to pieces, but let it be known -- she will be sleeping with one eye open. She will not be a statistic.



DUPREE

DUPREE

Walnut, CA
July 2007

DEC 14, 2007 04:17 AM

My friend has a cat, and sometimes, he's a little "slow." Scary stuff. I'm going to send him this article, haha.

Oktavia

Oktavia

HOPEFUL

Euless, TX

DEC 14, 2007 04:30 AM

I love my kitties, but this explains a lot. The cats are probably symbiotic with the parasite. That way, the infestation will lower your IQ, possibly causing you to forget that you've already fed Mr. Kitty five times today.

It's all a part of their plan for world-domination. <333 surreal

NickGuy

NickGuy

Hopkins, MN
July 2007

DEC 14, 2007 05:32 AM

QED
You rock.

strangekitty

strangekitty

Binghamton, NY
February 2006

DEC 14, 2007 05:57 AM

Oktavia said:
It's all a part of their plan for world-domination. <333 surreal




i agree!. that was their plan all along...

Rapid_Fire

Rapid_Fire

Saskatoon, SK
July 2007

DEC 14, 2007 06:28 AM

You had me convinced when you referenced xkcd, one of the worlds most prestigious and highly respected scientific publications.

scorp17yh

scorp17yh

Brookings, OR
November 2004

DEC 14, 2007 06:48 AM

And on another note this same parasite has been linked to the deaths of sea otters off the CA coast. Seems so many people are dumping cat litter not only in the trash but also their yards and the resulting runoff ends up in the ocean where the sea otters become infected.
Attack of the Killer Cat's

freshprncebelair

freshprncebelair

Ellicott City, MD
June 2004

DEC 14, 2007 06:48 AM

130 cats is fine too


_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

DEC 14, 2007 07:45 AM

Rapid_Fire said:
You had me convinced when you referenced xkcd, one of the worlds most prestigious and highly respected scientific publications.



I must give a hat-tip to Morgan on that one. biggrin

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

DEC 14, 2007 07:48 AM

freshprncebelair said:
130 cats is fine too




lulz... and yet.... horrors surreal

J24U

J24U

Danvers, MA
February 2006

DEC 14, 2007 07:49 AM

Isn't Toxoplasmosis what killed Tommy in Trainspotting?

thefreak

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

DEC 14, 2007 07:51 AM

This article is bias. Go pet a dog or something. tongue

wink

-TM

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Waldwick, NJ
June 2003

DEC 14, 2007 08:00 AM

J24U said:
Isn't Toxoplasmosis what killed Tommy in Trainspotting?



Yes. Toxoplasmosis is easy to avoid - keep the litterboxes cleaned on a daily basis and wear gloves or at least wash your hands immediately after cleaning the poo.

Ms_Magdalena

Ms_Magdalena

Minneapolis, MN
February 2007

DEC 14, 2007 08:03 AM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
So the theory in a nutshell, then, is that Toxo makes you lust for the pungent aroma of cat pee, causing you to fill your house with it -- driving away all sane relatives until A.) the Humane Society has to wade knee deep in Fresh Step to haul you off to a home, or B.) you die alone, the neighbors finding you a carcass weeks later, picked clean by your parasitic brood.



Animal hoarders must be royally fucked then. Not only is it a mental thing for them, but then they get all sucked in by that damn parasite . . . . . *shudder*

connielingus

connielingus

Magnolia, NJ
September 2005

DEC 14, 2007 08:17 AM

J24U said:
Isn't Toxoplasmosis what killed Tommy in Trainspotting?



That was the first thing that came to my mind. tongue

J24U

J24U

Danvers, MA
February 2006

DEC 14, 2007 08:23 AM

For some reason, when I think of that parasite, I can only visualize the Brian Slugs from Futurama now.

frankiemachine

frankiemachine

USA
December 2002

DEC 14, 2007 08:29 AM

freshprncebelair said:
130 cats is fine too




Here's the whole story on that cat lady:


She can't be a true crazy cat lady--these cats are clean, healthy, and she doesn't let them breed. True cat hoarder houses require a hazmat suit to enter.

boombands

boombands

Summerville, SC
May 2007

DEC 14, 2007 08:38 AM

frankiemachine said:
[
She can't be a true crazy cat lady--these cats are clean, healthy, and she doesn't let them breed. True cat hoarder houses require a hazmat suit to enter.



She has 130 cats in a two bedroom place and she feeds them by throwing shit at them. Yeah that's not crazy at all.

cohiba357

cohiba357

Eastlake, OH
November 2006

DEC 14, 2007 08:48 AM

I new a lady who had over 30 cats...no wonder why she seemed so fucked up skull

Ms_Magdalena

Ms_Magdalena

Minneapolis, MN
February 2007

DEC 14, 2007 08:54 AM

Tallie said:

frankiemachine said:
She can't be a true crazy cat lady--these cats are clean, healthy, and she doesn't let them breed. True cat hoarder houses require a hazmat suit to enter.



She has 130 cats in a two bedroom place and she feeds them by throwing shit at them. Yeah that's not crazy at all.



Crazy, maybe. Well intended, yes. Sanitary; she's doing a damn good job considering.

frankiemachine is right, homegirl isn't nearly as bad as most of them.

trishee314

trishee314

Murfreesboro, TN
June 2006

DEC 14, 2007 08:57 AM



My cat tries to kill me daily. I'll be walking along, not bothering her, and she'll wrap around my leg, bite and run off meowing. It's so adorable.

BurningKrome

BurningKrome

San Jose, CA
April 2005

DEC 14, 2007 09:54 AM

Amusingly enough, we were just discussing this parasite in my neurobiology class. Part of the reason it seems to increase car accidents, is it removes the normal fear responses by affecting the amygdala…thus it tends to create people with the need for speed and high adrenaline hobbies. Apparently, there is a correlation between Toxoplasma Gondii and people who get into motorcycle accidents, or accidents involving other high-risk behavior.

I wonder if I could use this as a defense for my next speeding ticket. "But officer, my parasite made me do it!?" Is getting a ticket due to your toxo gondii a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act?

OctEgon

OctEgon

Tustin, CA
July 2005

DEC 14, 2007 09:55 AM

Well, this certainly explains the LoLCat phenomenon.

CherryCoke

CherryCoke

North Conway, NH
May 2007

DEC 14, 2007 10:22 AM

I know how my mom is going to die.
That woman can't stop taking in cats.

unfiltrator

unfiltrator

San Francisco, CA
April 2004

DEC 14, 2007 10:35 AM

Awesome article.

mmmm.. cat pee.

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