NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #24

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #24

Not many people know where the Roundup began. It occurred in Ireland, way back in 1649. The British were conquering Ireland when Commander Oliver Cromwell came across the stubborn town of Wexford. After 10 days, Cromwell’s troops entered the city walls and went on a murder frenzy. They killed 300 women gathered around a cross, they murdered priests and shot others civilians as they attempted to flee by swimming across the River Slaney. In all 1,500 civilians were massacred. They then burned Wexford. As the smoke drifted over to Cromwell, he said, “Smell that? Smells like Asshole Fuckfacery.” He had a little shit eating grin on his face, too. True story. Ever since that day, my family has been cursed with the job of bringing Asshole Fuckfaces forth to the populace each week. I scour the news in search of the worst of the worst and put them on the page for you to read and shake your righteous heads. So, put on your thickest overalls because this is going to be messy.

Why not start with a religious Asshole Fuckface?

Nathaniel Abraham hired at – hold up. I was about to get into the story, but if your name is Nathaniel Abraham you are bringing a shitload of religious crazy into any room. You think he is okay with people calling him Nate? The magic eight ball says, “Fuck No.”

Anyway, Nate was hired at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution in March of 2004 after receiving a master's degree in biology and a philosophy doctorate from St. John's University. He was brought in to aid in the research of how chemicals affect the mechanisms of fish from a comparative/evolutionary perspective. Then in October, Nate let it slip that he did not believe in evolution.

Golly, you think your boss was angry because you were being paid to work on something you don’t believe him? Nate told his boss that he "was willing to discuss evolution as a theory." Oh, how kind of you, guy working in a place where evolution is being studied. How about if we are also willing to discuss the effect of a neck punch on religious nutjobs?

Nate was fired in November. Turns out his boss thought believing in evolution was sort of central to study evolution. Nate then took his case to the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination.

No shit. So, now Nate is suing. In a court. Right here in the US. But he is not suing because he is an Asshole Fuckface, but rather for religious discrimination. He would like $500,000. In the meantime, he is working at Liberty University, which was founded by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.

This is exactly why God invented the neck punch.

Next up, the Asshole Fuckfaces in the Bush administration for not making
oversight a part of their little war.

Tons of stuff is missing in Iraq.

Oh, that’s good. I mean, what could possibly go wrong there? It’s not like we have thousands upon thousands of soldiers in Iraq, who actually don’t want to die. What could go wrong with losing $1 billion worth of weapons and stuff?

The Inspector General only found an audit trail for $83 million out of $643 million in equipment contracts. The military does not know where 12,712 out of 13,508 weapons went. Those weapons include pistols, assault rifles, rocket propelled grenade launchers and machine guns. All of those things kill people. We have soldiers there and, again, I cannot emphasize this enough: They don't want to die. Letting the enemy get their hands on weapons does not help them with the living thing.

One Asshole Fuckfaces named Claude Bolton, has resigned from his post as assistant secretary for acquisition, logistics and technology. Now, if we could just put him in prison.

How about some video Asshole Fuckfacery?



Holy. Fucking. Shit. At least Bush was subtle and tried to show his God shit with a wink and a smile. This Asshole Fuckfacery is way over the top. Does my vote count as much as God's vote? I don't think that is covered in The Constitution thingy.

Last but not least, we end up will some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who knew CNN would pass Fox on the AFR? Not me. But this week they have done exactly that. Poor CNN was forced to “postpone” a “speculative documentary” called “We Were Warned – Iran Goes Nuclear.” By the way, there is no such thing as a “speculative documentary.” It is called fiction, also known as a mockumentary. CNN was going to do their own version of "The Office," but it was going to be a drama.

Oooo, scary. And don't forget, if you kids help create another war, your ratings go up and you make money!

So, why was CNN forced to “postpone” the documentary? Turns out Iran discontinued its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Fucking jerks. Doesn’t Iran know a NEWS NETWORK was creating fake news? Sorry, it’s not fake news, it’s a “speculative documentary.”

By “a different set of rules and a different set of conditions,” he means reality. Maybe CNN could have spent the money they were tossing at creating fiction and used to track down NEWS.

But, don’t worry. You will get to see the documentary at some point, because it has only been “postponed.” Hey, CNN, you should do a documentary about a president ignoring intelligence and lying to the American people in hopes of starting a war. Man, that’s a good plot.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a young boy with the words “Asshole Fuckface” shaved into his hair.

FearTheReaper was unable to post this story at 9 am due to access problems yesterday. Just be thankful you got it at all.

I would like to give a nomination of a group A-F award to anyone who, when reminded of that whole "seperation of church and state" respond with "it says 'Freedom OF religion' not 'freedom FROM religion.'"

Or, we could all punch them in the neck. That idea has appeal.

"It Defies Explanation"... let's see, what else defies explanation according to Huckabee? um...Dinosaurs? Climate Change? The Virgin Birth? Shit, if you attribute half of the stuff Huckabee didn't understand to GOD then this world would be a lot like Fairy Tale Land! The explanation is pretty clear to me...Rudy has a scandal the next runner up gets a golden ticket. Did God make Rudy an AFF? nope, Rudy did it.

I'm sure we'll see that Iran mockumentary on the History Chanel some weekend between showing of "The Free Masons: Secret Leaders of the US" and "Jesus, the untold true story of a boy genius turned demagogue"

So if Huck loses does that mean that God hates us or Huck?

Edit:
It could mean that God has a sense of humor and likes to fuck with Huck

Or we can tell them that the seperation of church and state and freedom of religion are mentioned nowhere in the Bill of Rights and that the precise wording is, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." which reads to me that congress will make no law forcing you to respect any ONE religion or any religion at all.

but anyone who says "the Declaration mentions a creator" DOES get a neck punch.

(Interestingly I just googled "Bill of rights" and the first link that came up was a 404!)

mr huckabee scares me.

while this is true, isn't the idea of "seperation of church and state" pretty much a foundation of democratic politics?

I would agree that the people mentioned in this article deserve the title of "asshole fuckface". What frustrates me is that the guy and the people who write these things are really no better than the "asshole fuckfaces" in question.

Yes we live in a world filled with right-wing religious crazed media, leaders and morons, but what and who are we who sling the shit in this small corner of the web? We are the asshole fuckfaces who help to make this possible in our own way. You know it's true.

Every time we put on a pair of socks manufactured in China by slave laborers who are ruled by asshole fuckface CEOs, who then pay lobbyists to ensure that we remain addicted to oil, and who then pay off the media to make sure that we only get one side of the story, because it is every CEOs god given right to have it all, we make it happen. The biggest asshole fuckface is you and me, because we know better, yet we do it anyways, and you're a fucking ignorant liar if you deny it.

So the question is this: What are we going to do to stop being the jokes of the party and not be hypocrite asshole fuckfaces?

If you don't like what you read, supplant it.

Please. That's like at least #7. #1, which you haven't been around long enough to see, was "your writing style makes you sound as smart as a box full of hair," coined by yours truly.

Irish boy, eh... so I guess that's FT O'Reaper?

1. Mabey Nate should do research on pollution's effects on "God's Intelligent Design."

2. Bush probably supplies the enemy with weapons so that he can prolong the war. Whoever thinks that's farfetched... hasn't been paying attention.

3. CNN may be postponing their drama... but Bush apparently isn't postponing his. He's actually stepping up his rhetoric. CNN may get it's "Iran Crisis" yet.

"Mockumentery"... that's pretty funny

Only this:

We have people who say that the old testament doesn't exist....we have people who claim evolution doesn't exist, and then we have people who swear WMD's did/ do or will someday exist....why don't we put these people in an imaginary room...lets call it Auschwitz, and flood it with imaginary gas...and see what happens...because of course that was imaginary...the Nazi's were actually a fun loving group you would like to have over for a picnic.....they never actually did anything, well, wrong...like trying to kill an entire people...
It seems like the good old USA has taken a lot of steps towards becoming the NAZI USA...this has to stop... a lot of it has to do with our current attempt at a government...but a lot of it has to do with the people...We The People elected this government...people...pay attention to what is happening, and for god sakes VOTE...and talk, bitch complain and see what we can all do to fix this....this used to be a great country...let's make it great again instead of a joke....
David

Papers please?

No ticket.

Uh...

Who was that masked man?

So "he who is without sin" eh? K... so we sit blind deaf and mute and let the asshole fuckfaces rule the world unchallenged?

I think not!

Intelligent discourse and the public exposure of these absurdities is the begining of change.

By the way... my socks come from Peru.

Right, because you and me control wealth and power in the world, not the people that actually have the wealth and power, or are you one of the %1 of the population that controls %50 of the wealth? Somehow, I feel slightly less responsible than them.

Cromwell was really an asshole fuckface. Seriously.

I have this sinking feeling that no matter who wins, i'm going to be severely disappointed by the results of the upcoming elections. None of them are going to be anywhere near as ethical as this country needs them to be. The same games will be played, and the world will go further and further into the shitter.

Damn.. i used to be an optimist.

Yeah, but at least King George will be gone. The only time I ever voted was to vote AGAINST that fucker.

You know...you are right...I make it sound like the sky is falling...its only the bill of rights...no big deal, I suppose...

"meet the new boss, same as the old boss"

Yes, the Bill of Rights doesn't exist and Bush is experiencing the huge popularity boom that Hitler did prior to the Nazi rise to power.