That's the headline of the story I just read... The headline. Am I the only one who finds it a bit, oh... super fucking creepy? I mean, funny, sure... But, mainly creepy.

Surprisingly, "soft hands" is not on my list of robot attributes.

TOKYO (Reuters) - A pearly white robot that looks a little like E.T. boosted a man out of bed, chatted and helped prepare his breakfast with its deft hands in Tokyo Tuesday, in a further sign robots are becoming more like their human inventors.

Pearly white? And there they go mentioning the hands again.

Twendy-One, named as a 21st century edition of a previous robot, Wendy, has soft hands and fingers that gently grip...

And again! Ugh...

Now, granted, it is an article about a NEW ROBOT WITH SOFT HANDS, I get that, I really do. Just, "go easy," okay? I don't even know what I'm proposing. I don't. I'm not sure how you talk about, or tell the world about, or celebrate- a robot with velvety-soft hands without mentioning the creepy, supple, gentle caress of said 'bot's hands... I do know that when you mention it, I feel weird inside.

...enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch.

"Supple"! "Movements that respond to human touch"? Ugh, now you're just trying to weird me out.

It can pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.

Yeah, well, I defy you to try to eat toast in front of this milky bastard. Oh, and forget the "lifting out of bed," part, he will never find, or know where my bedroom is. In fact, who says it's even a "room"? Let's just say my "sleeping space."

"It's the first robot in the world with this much system integration," said Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, who led the Twendy-One project (http://twendyone.com) and demonstrated the result on Tuesday.

Maybe a little TOO much system integration? Hmmmmm?

The robot is a little shorter than an average Japanese woman at 1.5 m (5 ft), but heavy-set at 111 kg (245 lb). Its long arms and a face shaped like a giant squashed bean mean it resembles the alien movie character E.T.

Hahahaha, face like a "giant squashed bean." That's legit funny! I feel better...

Twendy-One has taken nearly seven years and a budget of several million dollars to pull together all the high-tech features, including the ability to speak and 241 pressure-sensors in each silicon-wrapped hand, into the soft and flexible robot.

Annnnd right back to creepy. Flexible?? No. Where's that coal-powered body built from titanium and boulders when you need it? I bet this thing has an actual "creepy" setting. Where's that adjusted, I wonder? On his back? A "soft, mushy, moist, sweat-excreting, life-like" switch permanently stuck in the "creepy" position. No, I know, it's probably between his "doughy, powdered donut-like, pillow-esque, wish-granting thighs."

Sugano said he hoped to develop a commercially viable robot that could help the elderly and maybe work in offices by 2015 with a price tag of around $200,000.

Haven't the elderly suffered enough? Their senses may be failing them but I'm betting they can still muster revulsion at the idea of Twendy-One running its silicon digits through their thinned out, silver-gray manes while whispering "Shhhh... sleep," into their giant 'lobes. Let's just hope their ancient tears are enough to gum up the robot's works long enough for them to get help.

But for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.

Oh you don't say? Overheat? What more do we even need to hear!? Kill these squirmy ivory-automatons before they spawn soft-handed offspring! Please, I don't want to fear the next gentle caress I receive. I don't want to clap a palm onto what I thought was my girlfriend's hand on my shoulder only to turn and gaze into this marshmallowed monstrosity...

TheCoolerKing doesn't trust "friendly robots." Ever.

scylis

Anchorage, AK

November 2004

NOV 27, 2007 08:26 PM

stop the hating.

Pandasloth

Amesbury, MA

September 2004

NOV 27, 2007 08:30 PM

oh god yes.... now im hot. i want robot love. creepy creepy robot love.

Moonrabbit

Kingston, ON

February 2005

NOV 27, 2007 08:33 PM

I'ma get me one of these and a biiiiiig bottle of KY. Then it's the newest Porn trend. Robot handjobs.

welchjsn

Bethalto, IL

July 2005

NOV 27, 2007 08:38 PM

now when do we get beer swillling, back stabbing, rob you blind robots named bender? i figured something like that would be easier than this future masturbation machine. also, i wonder if it is gentle enough for the ol' "turn your head and cough for me"? i can only hope so.