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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 27, 2007 06:48 PM





Um, so here's something...



ROBOT WITH SOFT HANDS CHATS, SERVES MEAL



That's the headline of the story I just read... The headline. Am I the only one who finds it a bit, oh... super fucking creepy? I mean, funny, sure... But, mainly creepy.



Surprisingly, "soft hands" is not on my list of robot attributes.



TOKYO (Reuters) - A pearly white robot that looks a little like E.T. boosted a man out of bed, chatted and helped prepare his breakfast with its deft hands in Tokyo Tuesday, in a further sign robots are becoming more like their human inventors.



Pearly white? And there they go mentioning the hands again.



Twendy-One, named as a 21st century edition of a previous robot, Wendy, has soft hands and fingers that gently grip...



And again! Ugh...



Now, granted, it is an article about a NEW ROBOT WITH SOFT HANDS, I get that, I really do. Just, "go easy," okay? I don't even know what I'm proposing. I don't. I'm not sure how you talk about, or tell the world about, or celebrate- a robot with velvety-soft hands without mentioning the creepy, supple, gentle caress of said 'bot's hands... I do know that when you mention it, I feel weird inside.



...enough strength to support humans as they sit up and stand, and supple movements that respond to human touch.



"Supple"! "Movements that respond to human touch"? Ugh, now you're just trying to weird me out.



It can pick up a loaf of bread without crushing it, serve toast and help lift people out of bed.



Yeah, well, I defy you to try to eat toast in front of this milky bastard. Oh, and forget the "lifting out of bed," part, he will never find, or know where my bedroom is. In fact, who says it's even a "room"? Let's just say my "sleeping space."



"It's the first robot in the world with this much system integration," said Shigeki Sugano, professor of mechanical engineering at Waseda University, who led the Twendy-One project (http://twendyone.com) and demonstrated the result on Tuesday.



Maybe a little TOO much system integration? Hmmmmm?



The robot is a little shorter than an average Japanese woman at 1.5 m (5 ft), but heavy-set at 111 kg (245 lb). Its long arms and a face shaped like a giant squashed bean mean it resembles the alien movie character E.T.



Hahahaha, face like a "giant squashed bean." That's legit funny! I feel better...



Twendy-One has taken nearly seven years and a budget of several million dollars to pull together all the high-tech features, including the ability to speak and 241 pressure-sensors in each silicon-wrapped hand, into the soft and flexible robot.



Annnnd right back to creepy. Flexible?? No. Where's that coal-powered body built from titanium and boulders when you need it? I bet this thing has an actual "creepy" setting. Where's that adjusted, I wonder? On his back? A "soft, mushy, moist, sweat-excreting, life-like" switch permanently stuck in the "creepy" position. No, I know, it's probably between his "doughy, powdered donut-like, pillow-esque, wish-granting thighs."



Sugano said he hoped to develop a commercially viable robot that could help the elderly and maybe work in offices by 2015 with a price tag of around $200,000.



Haven't the elderly suffered enough? Their senses may be failing them but I'm betting they can still muster revulsion at the idea of Twendy-One running its silicon digits through their thinned out, silver-gray manes while whispering "Shhhh... sleep," into their giant 'lobes. Let's just hope their ancient tears are enough to gum up the robot's works long enough for them to get help.



But for now, it is still a work in progress. Twendy-One has just 15 minutes of battery life and its computer-laden back has a tendency to overheat after each use.



Oh you don't say? Overheat? What more do we even need to hear!? Kill these squirmy ivory-automatons before they spawn soft-handed offspring! Please, I don't want to fear the next gentle caress I receive. I don't want to clap a palm onto what I thought was my girlfriend's hand on my shoulder only to turn and gaze into this marshmallowed monstrosity...





TheCoolerKing doesn't trust "friendly robots." Ever.

scylis

scylis

Anchorage, AK
November 2004

NOV 27, 2007 08:26 PM



stop the hating.

Pandasloth

Pandasloth

Amesbury, MA
September 2004

NOV 27, 2007 08:30 PM

oh god yes.... now im hot. i want robot love. creepy creepy robot love.

Moonrabbit

Moonrabbit

Kingston, ON
February 2005

NOV 27, 2007 08:33 PM

I'ma get me one of these and a biiiiiig bottle of KY. Then it's the newest Porn trend. Robot handjobs.

welchjsn

welchjsn

Bethalto, IL
July 2005

NOV 27, 2007 08:38 PM

now when do we get beer swillling, back stabbing, rob you blind robots named bender? i figured something like that would be easier than this future masturbation machine. also, i wonder if it is gentle enough for the ol' "turn your head and cough for me"? i can only hope so.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 27, 2007 08:39 PM

Moonrabbit said:
I'ma get me one of these and a biiiiiig bottle of KY. Then it's the newest Porn trend. Robot handjobs.


To be followed by the even newer trend: unwanted robot penis removal...

Wake up, man!

JasXD

JasXD

Tallmadge, OH
November 2007

NOV 27, 2007 08:47 PM

i wonder what youd say going to the hospital

"SIR, HOW WAS YOUR PENIS REMOVED!?"
"My robot! My robot was jerkin me off - "
"Let me stop you right there...."

TAFKASP

TAFKASP

Oakland, CA
June 2003

NOV 27, 2007 08:48 PM

Moonrabbit said:
I'ma get me one of these and a biiiiiig bottle of KY. Then it's the newest Porn trend. Robot handjobs.



You're in luck. My new company will be writing the software for the Robot Handjob Alarm Clock.

"Awaken gently to the pleasing soft touch of a robot servicing your morning wood."


I want a robot with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I want somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand

Moonrabbit

Moonrabbit

Kingston, ON
February 2005

NOV 27, 2007 08:49 PM

I've heard of more embarrassing forms of masturbation(?) causing dismemberment.

freshprncebelair

freshprncebelair

Ellicott City, MD
June 2004

NOV 27, 2007 08:49 PM

JasXD said:
i wonder what youd say going to the hospital

"SIR, HOW WAS YOUR PENIS REMOVED!?"
"My robot! My robot was jerkin me off - "
"Let me stop you right there...."



It's not gay either, because you OWN the robot

suteneko

suteneko

I'm lost
March 2007

NOV 27, 2007 08:50 PM

Wow, I think in glancing over the sophomoric "huh huh -- soft hands" vibe of your article, I actually gleaned some promising news:


Sugano said he hoped to develop a commercially viable robot that could help the elderly and maybe work in offices by 2015 with a price tag of around $200,000.



I don't know how many of you have tried to care for your elderly relatives, but when you have to do it yourself it sucks, and when you end up sending them to hospice care it can cost upwards of $90,000 a year. A mechanical monitor that would be helpful in this way, and speak kindly to daffy grandmas when you're out of the room or out of patience, or at least one with better timing and leverage than the average homebody -- any helpful technology in this area is wonderful. You're laughing now, but when you need some assistance getting grandpa from the scooter to the toilet, you'll wish you had your own wanda, soft hands and all.

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

NOV 27, 2007 09:07 PM

O hay Cooler King, this robot has an invitation for you:



Sounds good. You'd better take it. love

Crissis

Crissis

Ecuador
January 2007

NOV 27, 2007 09:17 PM

sci fi has always been preparing us for this! it was expected robot

boombands

boombands

Summerville, SC
May 2007

NOV 27, 2007 09:32 PM

Robots are creepy.

Priest_Sphinxter

Priest_Sphinxter

I'm lost
January 2007

NOV 27, 2007 09:39 PM

JasXD said:
i wonder what youd say going to the hospital

"SIR, HOW WAS YOUR PENIS REMOVED!?"
"My robot! My robot was jerkin me off - "
"Let me stop you right there...."



The same way everyone with a bottle up their ass says it when they go to the ER.

"I fell on it."

Blyddyn

Blyddyn

Germany
June 2005

NOV 27, 2007 09:46 PM

Read "Tik-Tok" by John Sladek skull

demaka

demaka

Lexington Park, MD
November 2002

NOV 27, 2007 09:51 PM

demaka

demaka

Lexington Park, MD
November 2002

NOV 27, 2007 09:52 PM

Vidalia

Vidalia

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

NOV 27, 2007 10:23 PM

I wanna be touched by robots love robot love robot

soft_shoulder

soft_shoulder

Madison, WI
May 2006

NOV 27, 2007 10:33 PM

Vidalia said:
I wanna be touched by robots love robot love robot



Me too.. but soft hands just won't do.

scylis

scylis

Anchorage, AK
November 2004

NOV 27, 2007 10:45 PM

sometimes i don't get you, CoolerKing. you loathe robots with a level of hatred normally reserved for clowns and mimes.

thanks to a little garbage can/mail box with legs and wheels that's 90% swiss army robot, such hatred of robots seems just... unnatural.

12AngryBadgers

12AngryBadgers

Albany, NY
May 2004

NOV 27, 2007 10:45 PM

Soft-hands-bot ain't got shit on Rapbot:



SPOILERS! (Click to view)
"I got a toaster, so I can make a sandwich,
And did I mention I can rhyme in any language?"

Weapon0

Weapon0

Indianapolis, IN
October 2005

NOV 27, 2007 10:48 PM

Vidalia said:
I wanna be touched by robots love robot love robot



A woman after my own heart. smile I'm down with anything that gets us closer to the Pleasurebot 5000, like a Realdoll that can move and talk. tongue robot love

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 27, 2007 11:21 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:
O hay Cooler King, this robot has an invitation for you:



Sounds good. You'd better take it. love


Hahaha...

Err, I hope that 'bot can keep a secret...

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Mokena, IL
January 2005

NOV 27, 2007 11:34 PM

Just one more step to making evil robots that can handle firearms and choke hapless victims/secret agents.

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