The good folks at LiveScience have compiled for us a Top 10 list that beats the hell out of Letterman. I am a big fan of rationalizing my vices (my beloved Bloody Mary is really just a salad with a little vodka in, for example), so this story about how 10 glorious, delicious things that Puritans and/or health freaks tell us to shy away from aren't all bad. Here goes:

10. Beer

new research has suggested that moderate beer intake can actually improve cardiovascular function

So you're telling me that the Nectar of the Gods I am enjoying right now is good for my heart? It's been suspected that beer was the fuel for the laborers on the ancient Egyptian pyramids. The stuff's a superfood if you ask me; calories, carbohydrates, some crap that keeps your cardiovascular system perky, hops, and sweet, sweet ethanol. So, you know, awesome.

9. Anger

bursts of anger here and there are good for the health, and can be an even more effective coping mechanism than becoming afraid, irritated or disgusted

It looks like the Current Events board has it right. All those armchair politicians calling each other fascists and pigfuckers are only just acting out in a form of stress release. "It's just the Internet," my ass! DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, FearTheReaper?! I'LL KILL YOU!

8. Coffee

unrelated studies claim coffee is a major source of antioxidants in our diet and can help lower your risk of diabetes. Something in the beans is also thought to ease the onset of cirrhosis of the liver and pancreatitis

Coffee: a cure for alcoholism and Wilford Brimley.

7. LSD

small doses of LSD have been thought to help bypass the rock-bottom stage of alcoholism and prevent relapses...a recent study of 36 volunteers who took an LSD-like drug in a lab setting had them reporting mystical experiences and behavior changes that lasted for weeks

I think it's pretty neat that acid can help with the recovery process (if you think that's something, you should read about ibogaine) and I hope that our War on Drugs government will eventually relax and allow substances like LSD to be used for possible curative purposes, but, come on, "36 volunteers...reporting mystical experiences"? Scientists, you can do better than that. What's the next study? Volunteers using cocaine acted like douchebags, went to discos?

6. Sunlight

sunlight suppressed the immune reactions that cause asthma in some lab studies with mice and could be used to treat humans afflicted with the disease in the future. And sunlight--even if indirect, such as on a shaded porch--is known to boost the mood.

...And it helps us to produce vitamin D! So, you know, as long as you avoid that whole "malignant melanoma" thing and maybe the "premature photo-aging," I feel like anything that results in this can't be all bad, amirite?

5. Maggots

placed on serious wounds, maggots mimic their "wild" lifestyle and munch on bacteria and dead tissue, stimulating healing and helping to prevent infection.

Okay, so maggots aren't really what I would call a vice. (If maggots are your vice, please don't send me fan mail, as I am concerned that our friendship will center around your desire to wear me all Xipe Totec style.) But they eat dead flesh. That's pretty metal. Moving on...

4. Marijuana

now being hyped as a way to stave off the ultimate form of memory loss--Alzheimer's

The universe has such a grand sense of irony; reefer makes your roommate forget that rent is due but can keep the elderly together for a few more years. If only I could go back a few years and give my beloved grandmama a few Widespread Panic albums and a bag of ganja. Plus, how cute would it be to see Charlton Heston in one of those Rastafarian tams?

3. Red Wine

long been known to have potent anti-cancer and artery-protecting benefits...the latest studies even link resveratrol to greater endurance, a reduction in gum disease and Alzheimer's

Everybody knows that red wine is good for you, ever since Jesus gave it the thumbs-up over water back in the good old days. H20? Get thee behind me, Satan!

2. Chocolate

is packed with the antioxidant flavonols that prevent certain cancers and keep your arteries from clogging...these powerful chemicals may even increase blood flow to the brain, warding off dementia

Of course, this doesn't apply so much to the mass-produced "chocolate" we find in the checkout aisle but, rather, to the high-cocoa, low-sugar stuff that's a little higher end. In other news, I have cancer, clogged arteries, and am going senile. Please send Vosges.

1. Sex

having sex is an easy way to reduce stress, lower cholesterol and improve circulation throughout the body

Lazarus Long said it best, "It is better to copulate than never."

Flux hopes and prays that all your sins are good, fun, and happy ones.

Subrosa

San Francisco, CA

July 2004

NOV 08, 2007 04:28 PM

Sweetwater 420, eh?

Stoner.

emotedcreations

Germany

July 2006

NOV 08, 2007 04:30 PM

Funny spin on life's ironies.

+1 for the Xipe Totec reference.

Formus

Milwaukee, WI

May 2007

NOV 08, 2007 04:33 PM

No Nancy Reagan joke for the reefer? Disappointed.

RickyHell

Tucson, AZ

October 2006

NOV 08, 2007 04:37 PM

This almost reads like grocery list for some people.

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA

April 2005

NOV 08, 2007 04:39 PM

I love this list.