Picture it: You're being chased down an alley by a criminal. You're leading him but he's going to catch up to you eventually. You don't reach for your mace or rape-whistle; instead you lift a flap on your skirt and transform it into a fake vending machine. Although your feet are showing, you're completely camouflaged by a life-sized photo of a Coke machine. The thief rounds the corner. He stops in his tracks and looks around, catching his breath. Huh? Where'd you go? All he sees are these three soda machines.

What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about my new favorite way to avoid street crime and I hope it catches on. Aya Tsukioka is an experimental fashion designer in Tokyo, Japan who has designed a vending machine disguise for women.

She cites one of her inspirations as the black cloaks that ancient ninjas wore at night. According to the New York Times:

"These elaborate defenses are coming at a time when crime rates are actually declining in Japan. But the Japanese, sensitive to the slightest signs of social fraying, say they feel growing anxiety about safety, fanned by sensationalist news media."

Ms. Tsukioka also designed a "manhole bag". It's a purse that unfolds to look like a sewer cover.

I was mugged years ago. The bad-guy ran up behind me and whispered, "Hand over the bag and there will be less trouble." Less trouble? What else was he going to do? The bad-guy's friend was trailing us in a slow-moving getaway car. He shouted out the window, "Come on! Come on!" I went into attack mode. I made a noise that sounded like a dinosaur fucking and then punched my bigger-than-me assailant. We both fell to the ground in a battle for my purse. (A young couple walking their dog crossed to the other side of the street. Thanks guys!) Finally, I came to my senses and threw my purse at him. "Take it, just dont kill me."

Imagine if I was carrying my "manhole bag" that unfolds to look like a sewer cover? I would have just thrown that sucker down on the ground and watched my mugger walk on by. Maybe he would have even apologized. "Ma'am, I was going to rob you but now I see you're not even carrying a purse. I'll just step over this manhole and get on my way. Have a nice evening."

"While Americans want to protect themselves from criminals, or even strike back, the creators say many Japanese favor camouflage and deception, reflecting a culture that abhors self-assertion even in self-defense."

I always thought my reaction to my mugger was some kind of a primal instinct. I'll have to rethink that. It could have just been a very American instinct and a stupid one at that.

As much as I want these purses and skirts to thwart crime as much as the next wanna-be-ninja, how could this really work? Anyone can see the difference between a vending machine made of fabric and the real thing, right? And wouldn't a mugger actually see me throwing my manhole purse on the ground?

"The devices' creators admit that some of their ideas may seem far-fetched, especially to crime-hardened Americans. And even some Japanese find some of them a tad naïve, possibly reflecting the nation's relative lack of experience with actual street crime."

Although there is still that pesky problem of women being felt-up and down on overcrowded Tokyo trains. Now, women can buy fashionable sunglasses with extremely dark wraparound lenses to scare off sexual predators on their commute.

"Ms. Tsukioka also designed a disguise for children: a backpack that transforms into a Japanese-style fire hydrant, concealing the child."

Fashion historian, Kaori Nakana included a chapter in a recent book about dressing to ward-off bullies on the playground. She believes that black studded belts and short socks with loud patterns can help save a geeky kid from the wrath of a jerk. Really? In America that's as good as a "kick me" sign on your back. I got my ass handed to me in sixth grade for wearing a blue-polka dot dress. (Girls can be bullies too.) I can't imagine an American bully giving a geek wearing flashing socks a free pass. "Hey. Let's leave this kid alone. This nerd has got fashion sense!"

"Japan is so fashion conscious that just changing the way you dress can make you safer," Ms. Nakano said. "Culture plays a big role in risk prevention."

"Ms. Tsukioka said her disguises could be a bit impractical, 'especially when your hands are shaking.' Still, she said she hoped her designs or some variation of them could be marketed widely. So far, she said, she has sold about 20 vending-machine skirts for about $800 each, printing and sewing each by hand."

I think that's fucking awesome. Who knows? Maybe a would-be-attacker will have a big laugh when he sees that his would-be-culprit has taken the time to turn into a vending machine and the entire crime situation will be diffused. It could happen. I know of at least 20 people in Japan with a spare $800 to blow who agree with me.

Heathen_Dave

Birmingham, AL

July 2005

OCT 30, 2007 08:28 PM

"Ms. Tsukioka also designed a disguise for children: a backpack that transforms into a Japanese-style fire hydrant, concealing the child."

No it sure doesn't.

"Okay son, I don't want you to run or ask for help if someone attacks you. I want you to turn a corner and turn into a fire hydrant."

What?

Suitsme

Regina, SK

October 2005

OCT 30, 2007 08:33 PM

errr.. umm.. Wow..

bairdduvessa

Centerville, MA

April 2005

OCT 30, 2007 08:34 PM

lol awesome

Maudite

Mesquite, TX

March 2004

OCT 30, 2007 08:40 PM

maybe on the darkest of nights but then again, no

emotedcreations

Germany

July 2006

OCT 30, 2007 08:44 PM

Whatever happened to the samurai?

And Ninjas weren't defensive, they were offensive, they were fucking spies for Christ's sake. Granted they weren't a charging cavalry, but I'm not really sure how a spy could be construed as defensive.

Why does this remind me of an American model who most likely doesn't know the third US President? Or even the first? Or who the President was during WWII?

Let's forget everything I just said, let's just imagine, not only is it possible, but it's practical to run around a corner and hide (I can't even type that with a straight face). The shoes! The shoes! You have to make your camo more effective.

...

Why did I think this was going to be another article about the Transformer movies?

...

And more poignantly, whatever fucking happened to Japanese martial arts? I mean seriously. They have to have more martial art dojos per capita and this is their (one seriously misguided woman's response) to crime. I'm hoping this is as big of a joke in Japan as it is here (or to me more specifically).

The insinuation that the Japanese would fall for this because they are not as used to crime as Americans is a fucking insult to the Japanese. How fucking stupid do you have to be to think that what she created is an actual vending machine?

This post is going nowhere.... [over and out]