NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #18

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup #18

You lucky sons of bitches. It’s Saturday, the day our Lord Jesus Christ came down from the mountain in his silk robe and fuzzy slippers and said, “Let there be an Asshole Fuckface Roundup.” Then he pointed at Luke and burped. True story. Now, here we are, three or four hundred years later and I am the vessel of Jesus, providing you with your weekly dose of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. I pour over the news all week to find the biggest Asshole Fuckfaces out there and I deliver them on a platter, just as Jesus would have wanted. So, put on your favorite rubber apron, it’s going to get messy.

We’re going to start in California, where fire was invented and that made some Asshole Fuckfaces do bad things.

FEMA. Ordinarily I could just stop there, but today I’m going to go on. Apparently, FEMA has figured out where they went wrong during the Hurricane Katrina fiasco: Media control.

On Tuesday, deputy administrator Harvey Johnson held a news briefing about all the fine work FEMA was doing in California. FEMA told reporters about the briefing a full 15 minutes before it started and gave them an 800 number to call. Of course, that 800 number was a “listen only” line, so they were not allowed to ask questions.

Fuck, did it go smooth. Johnson gave an overview of what was going on and then he took a few questions. He responded to each question eloquently. It seemed like a good time was being had by all.

Nicely done. But it seemed a bit odd to the reporters listening on the line. Why all the easy and oddly familiar questions? Why was the media letting Johnson ramble on forever about how great FEMA was responding? Why was everyone being so nice? Oh, because there were no reporters there. Turns out the “briefing” was all FEMA employees, playing “press conference.” There was not one reporter in the entire place. Yay, America!

It looked good on TV, though. Fox News, MSNBC and other news channels carried it live. Now FEMA is apologizing to anyone who will listen, because they know they’ve done something bad if people tell them. That's what happens if you don't have a soul.

And what’s a disaster without President Bush acting like a dick? At his press conference he took a swipe at the Governor of Louisiana, while hailing the leadership of Arnold.

Oh, snap. And who wasn’t willing to lead, huh? The Democratic governor of Louisiana, maybe? Bush is a fucking child. Excuse me, Asshole Fuckface child. A couple thousand people lost their homes, several dead and he’s taking swipes at a Democrat in a state where he was greatly responsible for a horrible response…two fucking years ago.

And there were even more Asshole Fuckfaces showing their true colors during the fires.

A couple returned from their honeymoon just two hours before their home burned down. They rushed in and grabbed what they could, but they did not have much time. The next day, they called AT&T to tell them their house burned down and they needed to cancel their service.



That is some awesome customer service. Certainly wouldn’t want to give anyone who lost their home a break, like knocking the price down a bit. Nope. AT&T is the worst company in the world, Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Do you hear me, Steve Jobs?

And why stop there with the Asshole Fuckfaces who were total dicks during the crisis?

How about Vice President Dick Asshole Fuckface? The President and his cabinet were being briefed on the California fires but poor Dick was apparently not all that interested.



I’m sure if he had heard Fox News say that al Qaeda was behind the fires, he would have been able to stay awake. But on a more positive note, maybe he is getting closer to death.

Okay, enough with the fires, there are many more Asshole Fuckfaces running around.

Like Pennsylvania, where the Department of State has decided not to publicize their list of polling places for elections. Why? The Goddamn terrorists, that’s why! Everyone knows terrorists want to blow up polling places. They are target number one, especially if you are retarded.

Oh, right. The bombings in Spain, that went off and killed many people in…train stations. That is where people vote in Spain, I guess.

What a surprise. Nicely done, Pennsylvania, you are a giant Asshole Fuckface. But, I guess whatever it takes to make it difficult for people to find where they should vote. Democracy in action!

It is always great to end the Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a guy who pees on dying people.

I take you to England: Home of awful people. Take Anthony Anderson, he’s a former soldier and is also a member of the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame. Anthony received the honor for his actions back in July.

He was celebrating his birthday in Hartlepool with some friends, when they stumbled across 50-year-old Christine Lakinski. She was lying in the street, after falling and hitting her head while walking home. Christine also had physical and learning disabilities. So, what to do? If you’re a normal human being, you call an ambulance. But, if you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you do something entirely different.

Make that at least two Asshole Fuckfaces, because one friend was filming and enjoying the show.

Ah, to be young again, roaming the streets, shitting and peeing on dying people. Those were the days.

Anderson and his friends went on their way, but did manage to call an ambulance twenty minutes later. It’s called “Asshole Fuckface remorse” and it commonly only strikes 20 minutes after you have done something horrible.

Anderson was sentenced to three years in the big house this week. Lakinski died of pancreatic failure in the street that night.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You are a fine group of horrible people and will each receive a FearTheReaper travel alarm clock!

Aren't we all...?

Man I fucking hate AT&T!!! And I don't use the word hate very loosely. I am one of thier wireless customers and they will do anything to rip you off and try to take all your money. I am glad they are official Asshole Fuckfaces!!! Of the highest caliber no less.

Heh. I doubt they covered that scenario in the manual at the call centre. This is hardly shocking, not that that makes it any less outrageous.

Good morning FTR, I just thought that my following comments from an earlier CE thread (of yours) were just as fitting in this thread, if not more. In fact, we should just give a huge round of AHFF awards to the entire Executive Branch (why leave the President out of this one?)

Oh thank God, or maybe I shouldn't say God on any of you articles, because you probably want him taken off of all money and out of school & out of the pledge. But any way thank God you didn't realize that FEMA helped all those rich people and illegal immigrants in CA and ignored all those poor minorities in New Orleans.

I am surprised that you missed such an obvious fact, but you'll probably bring that up in your next story. Or are you just waiting for CNN to bring that up so you can think of it. Since liberals can't think of anything that is not on CNN. Just like according to you Conservatives can't think of anything not on FoxNews.

Give us all a break with this puking propaganda and just report news. That is what reporters are supposed to do and have forgotten how to do. Now leave the editorialism out of it and just report it for once.

I'm sorry, conservative, but were you really expecting a flat-out news piece when you clicked on a link that said "Asshole Fuckface Roundup"?

He's a columnist. It's called "Asshole Fuckface Roundup". How do you expect it to be presented?

Just how stupid are you, really?

um...where the fuck did you get idea that you'd find NEWS here? We are talking about the same website that hosts, among other things, the three four and seven word story games, right?

Okay, that's what I thought.

Furthermore, FEMA responding to an fire in an area with low population density is very different to FEMA responding to a fucking Hurricaine across an entire region of the country...it's not about the pratical response of FEMA emergency Management, it's about their treatment of reporters and keeping NEWS from being reported.





Anyway, I am profoundly disturbed that someone can violate a dying human in such away and still only get three years. Although I can't imagine those will be three very happy years, once the other inmates learn about his love of watersports I'm sure he'll be filming a lot of youtube videos.

I appreciate your anger (which some might easily confuse for courage.) But strip away the pleas at losing the editorializing (in an EDITORIAL!), and you're just essentially saying, "I don't agree with you, so shut the fuck up!"

Besides, sometimes reality has a political slant. Deal with it.

I hope Anthony Anderson gets pissed on every day while in the big-house !!

My first clue that this was going to be dumb.

First of all, the source was the Washington Post, so foolish doesn't even begin to describe the "OMG!! Liberal=CNN zombie!" rhetoric you're spewing. Second of all, FEMA's issues with race is all ready well-documented, this is about how they are now faking news conferences, which is a completely different kind of low-point.

Ah, yes, leave the editorialism out of an editorial.

How often do you rail against the editorialism when he calls Hilary Clinton, and other assorted Democrats/liberals, Asshole Fuckfaces? He does it quite a bit, yet you never call him out on that.

Among other things...

Yes, many other awful things !!

conservative spewed:

Sounds like a good start. While you're at it, could you get him out of my bedroom, my tv, my radio and my wife's uterus?
Thanks.

This is so fucking depressing. I think I will suspend reading these for a while. Instead I will stick my head in sand.

Somehow, I expected better from him.

You're acting like I kicked your grandmother in the nuts. Relax.

Also, try to make sense when you post, it gives the person you are attacking the opportunity to respond.

I did get your last paragraph, though and I'm happy to tell you that I'm not a reporter, so suck it.

Anderson should get more like a hard 20 years.That poor lady might of actually survived if the shit-stain had acted like a human being and called for help.

Well,he's going to learn a funny new game in prison.It's called "Armed robbers and gangsters hate guys who hurt women".

Spent the last 5 years living in the UK.
There are a hell of a lot of chavs just like Anderson running around with no moral standards at all, and no respect for other people.
Im glad i left.

i h8 god! down w/god!

OH NOES! YOUVE UNMASKED FTR! now he wont be able to rail on asshole fuckfaces with the complete immunity of having say, a hockey mask over his face gives.

honestly? who cares? i agree with the asshole fuckface list for this except for cheney. im sure compared to briefings where your policy of invading countries to establish imperialism going horribly awry for 3 years standing and costing you buttloads of money daily, this wildfire thing was a light day. let the old man have his naps.

Damn, I wish those videos were still available.

AGREED!