NEWS: DonÂ’t Fuck Another ManÂ’s Wife if You Live in Mississippi

POLITICS: Don’t Fuck Another Man’s Wife if You Live in Mississippi

No, seriously. DonÂ’t do it. And not just if you live in Mississippi, but if you live in North Carolina, South Dakota, Hawaii or Utah as well. Bad, bad idea.

I mean, I suppose one could make the argument that you shouldnÂ’t fuck a married person regardless of your particular jurisdiction. ThatÂ’s true, but if youÂ’re from Alabama and you bone JethroÂ’s ball-and-chain while heÂ’s away working at the coal mine [FN 1], the worst thing that could happen to you is a broken jaw and a free trip to Jerry Springer. Not exactly an ice cream social, but not the end of the world.

However, if youÂ’re in one of those states above, itÂ’s not just bad karma, itÂ’s fucking illegal. [FN 2] Just ask Jerry Finch, Sr., of Holly Springs Mississippi.

You read that right, my friends. Slide your hot dog into a married womanÂ’s bun in the Magnolia State and you could be on the hook for a quarter of a fucking million dollars. You see what IÂ’m getting at, here? As your attorney [FN 3], I recommend you not do that.

What makes this verdict quite a bit more disturbing are the circumstances surrounding it.

Poor, foolish Mr. Finch. Anyone who’s ever seen "Maury" knows that you can’t seriously deny parentage once the paternity test comes out. All you can do is claim “the bitch said she was on the pill!” and try not to look too dejected as she booty shakes to the crowd in celebration. It’s the only dignified way to go.

Instead, Finch got dragged into court and despite evidence that the marriage was fucked [FN 4] long before he became Ms. ValentineÂ’s special Valentine, he got nailed for $750k in damages. For getting his dick wet. Yowza.

Unfortunately for Finch, heÂ’s pretty much out of legal options here. First, he appealed to the Mississippi Supreme Court.

With that wad blown, he turned to the Supreme Court’s most swingin’ dude, Justice Antonin “I like Orgies” Scalia, in an attempt to at least lessen the $112k punitive damages award. He argued that the award of punitive damages here was both Constitutionally excessive and violated the spirit of the Court’s holding in Lawrence v. Texas. In Lawrence, the Court invalidated anti-sodomy laws, but also asserted a right to personal privacy in the bedroom. Finch hoped this right to personal privacy extended to guys who like to boink their married secretaries.

ScaliaÂ’s answer? YouÂ’re a screwed one, Mr. Finch.

I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself[FN 5], “If the legal consequences are so bad, how do I avoid falling into the same trap? Just stay away from OPP if I live in the Missy Sippi?”

I’m glad you asked! First, it’s important to note that these causes of action are generally based in common law, which means they’re not statutory but rather they’ve been created by the courts over the centuries. In the '60s and '70s, most states that aren’t fucking insane all passed “Anti-Heart Balm legislation” (these torts are sometimes called “Heart Balm” cases, for obvious reasons). Others, mainly those with superhuman infatuations with protecting the nebulous and out-dated version of “family”, kept them going. They’re big moneymakers for plaintiffs in other states as well.

There are basically two types of these causes of action. The aforementioned “alienation of affection.”

And the even dumber cause of action of “Criminal Conversation” [FN 6], which requires no specific state of mind, only

So, my friends, keep this in mind. If the object of your intarweb affection lives in one of the above states and he, she or it is wearing a wedding band that you didnÂ’t pay for, take heed. You could end up like Mr. Finch: Fucked in every sense of the word.
_______________________________________________

[FN 1]: Do they even have coal mines in Alabama? I have no idea. DonÂ’t bother telling me, I donÂ’t care.
[FN 2]: In more ways than one! Hey-o!
[FN 3]: This is a joke. I am not your attorney.
[FN 4]: Legal term.
[FN 5]: This may be an over-estimation of my readership.
[FN 6]: Please note that this is neither “criminal” nor necessarily requires “conversation.” Don’t ask me, I have no idea.

i want the million dollars made up from 4 quarters consisting of $750,000....

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but if she was so unhappy and wanted to fuck another man, get a divorce. It's easy enough these days. As for the poor bastard who fucked her, I have little sympathy.

thall shalt not covert thee neighbors wife....at the end of it all he may as also do a little burning for eternity.

Um...

Frankly, I really don't see what this has to do with the courts. Did they commit adultery in the courtroom? In public? Beside an elementary school? On the Sabbath? Honestly - what goes on in the bedroom, so long as it's consentual, should not wind up in the courtroom.

"Unfortunately for Finch, he's pretty much out of legal options here. First, he appealed to the Missouri Supreme Court."

"You read that right, my friends. Slide your hot dog into a married woman's bun in the Show Me State..."

Um. I am super-confused. Are you talking about Missouri or Mississippi? I'm from Missouri; we're the Show-Me State. We are talking about Mississippi, right?

You are a complete ass and I am sick of people and there damn southern stereotypes. Idoits live everywhere not just in the south.

uh..what's the issue here? she's married..don't fuck with another person's guy/girl.

he's as much to blame as she is...only thing I can say is why hasn't he taken his (ex?) wife to course yet...for similar damages..

if you're not happy get a fuckin divorce..don't go cheatin like a fucking low-life.

no sympathy on this one. Fuck that asshole

I'd suggest learning the proper usage of "their" and how to spell before you start calling other people "idoits."

I love when the government comes in my bedroom.
As if it's anyone else's goddamn business who or what I fuck.
Yeah I said WHAT.

ZING!

It's like he painted a big red bull's eye on his ass. I couldn't help myself.

It's not about sympathy, you fucking nonce. It's about the supremely perverse nature of laws dictating who people are allowed to fuck.

You think the lady's ex deserves three quarters of a million dollars because his wife schtupped someone?

That would make him one King Hell of a Pimp, yo.

So that's why Utah, Hawaii and South Dakota keep these laws on the books, to make fun of Southerners! Brilliant!

Here's the deal. I'm single. That means I get to fuck any willing person that I want.

It's the responsibily of the married person to not fuck anyone.

Right on.

Goddammit! My bad. I always get those two mixed up. Fack.

Learn to take a joke, Jethro.

Your an idoit.

Moran.

Douché.

Exactly. Why isn't the cause of action directed at the wife? I mean, either way it's ridiculous, but at least it would make more sense from a legal perspective. You could theoretically make an argument that the wife had a duty not to cheat or something. The other man is just another guy with no relationship to the plaintiff.

Stop being such a gauche.

I seriously lol'ed. For serious.