NEWS: Sorry Folks, The ElectionÂ’s Over

POLITICS: Sorry Folks, The Election’s Over

I hate to break the news to all of you politics junkies who’ve been amusing yourselves by debating issues like “Just how evil is Hillary Clinton?”, “Does Obama have enough experience to be President?” and “Who’s crazier, Mike Gravel, Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich?” over the past year, but as of this week, the winner of the 2008 United States Presidential election has been decided.

ItÂ’s done. Over. Feel free to go through the sham of having a series of primaries and caucuses, and even the pretense of a general election, but the end result has been pre-ordained.

No, not because the Bush administration has started the ball rolling on some complex “false flag” operation to orchestrate a massive terrorist strike inside the United States and thus declare martial law and suspend elections indefinitely. It’s not because the true nature of the corporate two-party duopoly means that nothing will ever really change unless there’s, like, a revolution, man. It has nothing to do with Skull & Bones, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, some crappy YouTube video, or that secret UFO base inside the Earth’s core.

ItÂ’s because of one man.

Chuck Norris.

On Sunday, Mr. Norris delivered a roundhouse kick to the pudgy midsection of the American electoral process by declaring that his choice for our next president is former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

Some of you may be saying “Wait, Chuck Norris? That guy from Walker, Texas Ranger (or Delta Force, depending on how old you are)? Since when did he have the power to determine our next president?”

ThatÂ’s the reaction I had, shortly before I interrupted my daily Internet browsing routine of searching for new LOLcats and downloading terabytes of lesbian clown porn to do a bit of research on Chuck Norris. I quickly discovered that over the past few years heÂ’s become a modern-day Paul Bunyan, capable of miraculous feats of strength, most of which involve killing people. Buying penis enlargement pills from Russian websites taught me the valuable lesson that everything on the Internet is 100% true, so if Chuck Norris can both run around the Earth so fast he can punch himself in the back of his own head and disprove the so-called scientific theory of evolution, do you really think he canÂ’t kick the Electoral CollegeÂ’s ass? Have you seen how out of shape the average delegate is these days?

If you want further proof of how Chuck Norris can single-handedly determine the outcome of the upcoming election, you need only read his endorsement of Huckabee to find examples of how heÂ’s managed to use his karate skills to alter history itself.

Take that, Thomas Jefferson and the version of the New Testament you edited to exclude all mention of JesusÂ’ divinity, miracles and resurrection! Better luck next time, Treaty Of Tripoli and Article VI of the Constitution! Chuck Norris has just punched the space-time continuum so fucking hard that youÂ’re now examples of the Founding Fathers standing up against secularism! By the time you read this, the Constitution will have pissed itself with fear and then spontaneously re-written itself to be chock full of Jesus references.

Not only that, but did you know that Chuck Norris can single-handedly re-define the standards by which a political candidate is judged?

Ouch! Before Chuck Norris kicked me in the brain with his words, I was backwards enough to consider that people applying for a job should be judged based on how well they might perform the tasks that job requires. Once the swelling goes down, IÂ’ll be sure to judge them by how nice they are as people.

Some of you may be a bit reluctant to accept Huckabee as our next president. Perhaps you’re a godless homo-loving terrorist-fellating pinko who doesn’t think legalized abortion is like the Holocaust or that encouraging condom use to help prevent AIDS is like telling an abusive husband “don’t hit quite as hard”. Or, speaking of godless homo-loving pinkos, you may just think he can’t beat Rudy Giuliani in the GOP primaries:

Remember, polls donÂ’t matter when it comes to electing a president, since in the end heÂ’s appointed by God. Or in this case, Chuck Norris.

I know, IÂ’m being redundant.

So feel free to continue to pretend that the 2008 Presidential election isnÂ’t a foregone conclusion. IÂ’m going to be pro-active and spend the next year preparing for President HuckabeeÂ’s first term. Not by fleeing to Canada early to beat the traffic, but by hiring a karate expert to roundhouse kick me in the head once a day.

Because Chuck Norris has taught me that the more often you’re kicked in the head, the better the phrase “President Huckabee” sounds.

I'm with Chuck, I ♥ Huckabee(s)

Ooooh. Chuck Norris endorsed a candidate. I TOTALLY care.

Honestly, I'm actually pleased to see this kind of thinking outright admitted to by its practitioners.

two things:

1) a society's leaders are a reflection of the society

and
2) the election is an irrelevant event that happens in this county. And I base this simple minded theory on one thing...voter turnout. I suppose one could counter this with "those who don't vote are making a statement," but I highly doubt that. I think people are more concerned with which minivan to buy and desperate housewives, than having any say in who makes the laws they live by.

It really gets my angry when I hear someone say "politics are boring," politics isn't boring, its your lifestyle. I don't get why someone doesn't have the desire to vote, its not like you can do it everywhere.

...And so it was writ.

May every American receive a pair of roundhouse-friendly Action Jeans in the first 100 days.

I have an answer. But you're not going to like it.

Generally speaking, people take way too much for granted. Also, most of them have a little kid inside, just begging to be told what to do. Creepy.

RudieCantFail said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

But who does he want us to vote for???

Clidna said:

RudieCantFail said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

But who does he want us to vote for???

Why, for Leader Zarth, of course!

I could say the same about sodomy.

Zarth said:

Clidna said:

RudieCantFail said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

But who does he want us to vote for???

Why, for Leader Zarth, of course!

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Zarth for Leader! Vote for Zarth! Stride Boldly Into the Future With Leader Zarth!

Zarth for Zarth's sake...

Damn. Now I'm hungry.

Exactly. Give them food and TV, and they will be happy.

Damn. Now I'm hungry.

But we also have an administration that condescends to the public. Listen to soundbites from FDR, EInsenhower, Keenedy or Nixon. They sound smart.

I think that we do the public no favors by dumbing down

FUck Bush. ANd Mike Huckabee believes people Living with HIV should've kept their zippers zipped and maybe have to suffer without medical care.

Think about the complex diaglogue in those Chuck Norris pics. I tell you, he would be a better president than Bush, Romney, Huckabee, or GHOULIANI.

I'm with Bruce Lee. Fuck Chuck Norris. Fuck him in his stupid face.

God, I'm glad I never cared for Chuck Norris.
Brilliantly written article by the way. Damned funny.

Good luck with all that...thank fuck I live in the UK.

The original poster obviously knows her shit (or has played world of warcraft enough to know every chuck norris punchline there is to know) *snicker* if chuck norris has deemed a president to be, he will be!

http://www.duckshit.com/chuck-norris-jokes/

if I was that candidate, I'd be ungodly embarrassed to have my name associated with chuck.

Boooooorrriiiiiiing.

A lot of the founding fathers that people invoke were Deists, not Christian

I've been reading the conversations in these threads for a good while, and I think this is the first time I totally and fully agree with you, shame it had to come about in a thread regarding Chuck Norris.

So what's it like living in a house made entirely of glass?