NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup

It is Saturday, or as it is known on the Interweb, Asshole Fuckface day. Every week I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst. I dig into the depths of society and rise out of the muck covered in shit and bugs, but always with the most horrible people of the week. So put on your dealer visors, this is going to be ugly.

It’s always nice to kick off the Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a man who is doing everything he can to stop the suffering of white people.

For the past few years Republicans have been hard at work trying to get voter ID laws passed. These laws would require anyone voting to have a photo ID. The Justice Department has been leading the charge because it is now just a tool for Republicans, instead of an agent of law and order. In 2005, Justice Department lawyers determined that a Georgia voter ID law

John Tanner, chief of the Civil Rights Divisions’ voting rights section, then overruled the lawyers who came to this conclusion. Uh, yeah, you read that correctly. The guy who is overseeing the Civil Rights Division made a dictator type move that fucked over black people. He will henceforth be called an Asshole Fuckface. Thankfully, a federal appeals judge later put a stop to the law, comparing it to a Jim Crow-era poll tax.

This week Tanner was at a panel on voter disenfranchisement held by the National Latino Congreso in Los Angeles and he explained his decision and why he is an Asshole Fuckface.

Uh. What? Did he just say, “Minorities don’t become elderly?” Why, yes he did. And he wasn’t done. Tanner has been spreading his message across the country. At a Georgia NAACP meeting he made this awesome statement.

That’s a great point. For an Asshole Fuckface. Please stop.

Okay, I’m just going to move on, because that Asshole Fuckface is not going to stop.

You're about to meet the worst Asshole Fuckface cop of all time.

In January, a one-year-old Florida boy fell into the family pool. 911 was called and emergency services responded. Police Sergeant Andrea Eichhorn was one of those on site. During efforts to resuscitate the boy she fell and broke her knee.

The boy, Joey Cosmillo, suffered permanent brain damage. He cannot walk, talk or swallow. Joey now lives in a nursing home, kept alive by machines. The family is obviously suffering from such a terrible loss. Any Asshole Fuckface would do what Sergeant Eichhorn has now done: File a lawsuit.

How about we break her other knee? Seriously. I am recommending someone break her other knee. I am not kidding. I would very much like for her other knee to be broken. But not quickly. Very slowly, with a tiny rubber hammer, pounding away for hour after hour, until it gives.

Yeah, fuck those people with the brain damaged son trying to act like victims. What a bunch of douche bags, huh? I, mean listen to this crap:

I realize you're trying to save your grandson's life, but grab a fucking mop.

Break her other knee. Seriously.

Apparently, sometimes rubbing ladies breasts is wrong. Who knew? This next Asshole Fuckface shows us one example of how that could possibly be true.

California dentist Mark Anderson was recently charged with two misdemeanor counts of battery and sexual battery. Yolo County prosecutors are looking into other complaints that the dentist molested women while he examined them. Currently 27 women are accusing him of the lewd behavior.

Prosecutors may not have known that Mark Anderson is an extraordinary Asshole Fuckface. They do now. He has come up with a fantastic defense.

Wow. Asshole Fuckfacery at it’s best. This is a tremendous display. I am quite simply in awe. Do you finger ladies during a root canal? I know that would take away some of the pain. What about a rim job for gum surgery? This new style of dentistry just makes so many new procedures possible!

Good luck with that, Mark.

Thank God there are Asshole Fuckfaces out there who know what our embryos want.

You may not know Mary Scott Doe because she is an embryo. They tend not to go to a lot of mixers. This week a Maryland lawyer has filed a lawsuit on her behalf against the chairman of the California Institute of Regenerative Medicine. The agency is a state-run $3 billion stem cell research funding agency.

The lawyer’s name is Martin Palmer, but you may know him as the "embryo whisperer." They tell him stuff! He is also the founder of National Association for the Advancement of Preborn Children. Wow, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Isn’t it about time someone started an association for the advancement of embryos and fetuses? Fetuses, especially, are discriminated against daily.

Enslaved. Not only has Asshole Fuckface Palmer co-opted the name of the NAACP, but now he is claiming embryos are “enslaved.” He may have a point. The other day I drove by a cotton field and there were around a hundred embryos picking cotton while a white man watched over them with a whip.

The case will be heard on Tuesday in the US Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit in Pasadena.

Good luck, little embryo!

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces! You all get an engraved FearTheReaper doorknob!

Far as I know, Andrea Eichhorn later dropped the lawsuit. Though the fact that she could have initially done it and only decided against it solely because of what 'other' people thought about her is pretty sick.

So does this mean I'm not going to be able to have that warehouse of embryo slaves making my clothes for me like I always wanted?!? Shhhheat.

The first 2 stories pissed me off and all I could think to say was...

You have got to be kidding me!

However, the Mark the dentist made me laugh for some odd reason. Asshole fuckface perhaps but his attempt and making an excuse for his actions was just funny.

Embryo Whisperer.. muwahahaha! What a movie that woud make.

Yeah, the dentist's excuse was pretty fucking priceless. Like that dirty old man in Florida who went around offering door-to-door breast examinations.

Entrepreneurship is encouraged in the United States!

I'd say the 5 year-old children whose parents force them to hold signs showing dead fetuses for hours outside abortions clinics are the ones being enslaved. Who's looking out for their rights?

Uh, Jesus is. Duh.

working in the customer sevice industry, i encounter alot of asshole fuckfaces, and hear alot of stories. but reading this almost made me throw up from all the asshole fuckfaceness. do these people honestly not have anything better to do with their time than sit around and say "hey, how could i possibly misuse our constitutional rights anymore than mrs. stella 'oh, my coffee spilled in my lap and i didn't know it was hot because i'm too stupid to have common sense' herself."

Facts about the McDonald's coffee lawsuit.

1. The woman received 3rd degree burns over 6 percent of her body, which can take years to heal especially at 73 years old. She was not driving the car, but a passenger.

2. McDonald held its coffee at between 180 and 190 degrees fahrenheit- other establishments sell coffee at substantially lower temperatures, and coffee served at home is generally 135 to 140 degrees. Temperatures above 150 are known to cause severe burns through clothing, while temperatures below can cool fast enough to avoid severe burning.

3. McDonald's representatives lied to the court and jury about the existence of other claims, when in reality they had dealt with more than 700 claims in ten years, some involving third-degree burns. McDonald's ignored a request from the Shriner's Burn Institute in Cincinnati to turn down the temperature of its coffee.

4. McDonald's quality assurance manager testified they actively enforced a requirement to hold coffee at 185 plus degress. He testified McDonald's new burn hazards exists with any food substance above 140 degrees or above, and admitted the coffee when served could burn the mouth and throat, but McDonald's had no intention of reducing the "holding temperature" of its coffee.

5. The jury found the plaintiff 20% responsible and the damages were reduced on appeal by a judge who still said McDonald's behavior was reckless, callous and willful.

6. The myths about this case are spread by corporate lobbyists with the goal of making it harder to hold companies to account for wrongdoing - and they've partially succeeded by making it harder to bring class action lawsuits.

Most states charge a fee to receive identification. Minorities are disproportionately unlikely to be able to afford or wish to pay that fee. Or anyway I think that's how the logic goes.

I suppose it's a monetary issue. I don't know how much an ID costs these days, but about 6 years in California it was just under 20 bucks. I know because I had friends at the time who were so broke that they didn't have enough money to get an ID. Some of them were minorities, others were not. I mean, if you're hungry and almost broke, 20 bucks is a lot of money. I imagine that economic disparity between ethnic groups in the States (of which I am surely no expert) are drawn upon to make this a "racial" issue.

Of course, I think the fact that the government doesn't issue you an ID in the first place is highly ridiculous. Personally, I think every citizen should be issued an ID free of charge (paid for by taxes). Then, if one wants a Driver's Liscence, or if one loses one's ID, then one should have to pay. People shouldn't have to be in a situation in which they have to decide between a meal and a vote.

I agree that this Tanner guy is an idiot and doesn't deserve his job, but I don't think requiring IDs for voting is as evil as some people make it.

I work at a gas station and every day I have poor or homeless people coming in and spending what little money they have on lottery tickets, cigarettes, overpriced junk food, and blunt wraps which they use in conjunction with drugs that cost even more. Can they turn around and then say they can't afford to get ID cards?

I'm sure not every single person who can't afford an ID card is blowing their money on cigarettes, but do not romanticize the lower class. They're not all honorable, down on their luck citizens just trying to scrape by, and the only thing stopping them from paying for an ID card they need to vote isn't always a meal for their kids. They're just as stupid, greedy, and wasteful as anyone else, and often choose simple indulgences over personal responsibilities, just like the rest of us.

If this is all true, then the prosecutors succeeded in convincing judges that McDonald's "recklessly and callously" attempted to actually brew coffee to standards accepted by brewing associations all over the world.

If coffee at "other establishments" or "brewed at home" are at temperatures that low, they're probably being brewed and held in crap equipment. Guess that's what McD's gets for actually trying to inject a little quality into a product.

Maybe they should lower the cooking temperature too. And raise the temps in their fridges, cause an employee could get frostbite in there.

wow

I love the term Asshole Fuckface
It is just so accurate for all those Asshole Fuckfaces out there I never cease to be amazed by how moronically self-righteous people can be. "Let's sue someone who has lost their baby son because I hurt my knee." Hello! It's your job; it's dangerous! People get hurt every day. \
Let's all just go file suit against someone less fortunate than oursleves-it's probably their fault for being black, or latino, or brain damaged.

It does seem like a somewhat racist assumption saying that minorities do not have ID's more often than Caucasians. It's also racist to say that minorities don't have an ID because they have no money. Yes, a higher percentage of minorities probably are poverty level. But in overall numbers there must be many more Caucasians who can't afford one as well. The assumption here is that minorities are irresponsible and out of work. People in every racial group have these qualities.

I meant to add, anyone who gives boob fondling a bad name is automatically an Asshole Fuckface in my book.

And the cop thing is really grinding my gears. I mean, she injured herself pretty much in the line of duty, right? So if she was shot taking down a gangsta, would she sue the gun manufacturers, the gang, or the bullet?

Okay, just so everybody knows, people whose job it is to determine when Civil Rights are being abused concluded that minorities would be most hurt by voter ID laws. I'm going to go ahead and assume the lawyers at the Department of Justice had some facts to back them up, being lawyers and all. Lawyers have a tendancy to use this shit called evidence. Unless they have been appointed by Bush, then they have a tendancy to base their decisions on politics.

The Republicans would not be trying to get this law passed in every state if it did not have a negative effect on the minority vote.

The why is irrelevant in this case because the facts are that minorities are the ones who will suffer.

I'm waiting to hear the ADA's response to the boob fondling.

Here it is:

Impossible. 1st degree: reddened skin with some swelling. 2nd degree: blistering with tissue damage. 3rd degree: charred flesh. I would believe severe 2nd degree burns, but there is no way in hell you will get 3rd degree burns without a fire.

Every cup of coffee I've ever had was made with boiling water. That is as hot as it gets. It cools a little while waiting to be served, but not necessarily a lot. That this person lived to 73 years old without learning to beware of fresh coffee leaves me wondering.

Are you sure about that? I have an uncle who's a dentist and he says...

That would be true if it was an assumption, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's probably a statistic. As much as it might seem otherwise, government agencies tend to base their conclusions on hard data. It's just, especially with this administration, the top dogs have a tendency to ignore it.

It's an issue that gets trotted out every time voter fraud is in the news, and then they decide it's not important enough to require voter ID.

"Facts" and "evidence" he said with great conviction. I'm not doubting that minorities would be more impacted by a mandatory ID rule; I'm just trying to reason things out a bit.

I don't think that there's any doubt that racial inequality, economic and otherwise, still exists in the United States (I was worried that I might have seemed to intimate otherwise). I'm sure that there are plenty of white folks who can't afford an ID, too, and, indeed, they would also be screwed by an "ID only" measure. I think that such a rule is a bad idea for a number of reasons, inclusive of and not limited to the points that have been discussed here. That does not mean that racial discrimination would not happen were such a rule enacted.